Price of love

by Rachel Lindsay

  I don't think this is much of a visit,' he grumbled.

  'I'll pop in again another time.'

  ' Tomorrow ?'

  'If I can.'

  'I'll wear my new blue pyjamas for you—they match my eyes!'

  'If they matched your tongue,' she said drily,' they'd be very long in the arm '

  She left him chuckling over her reply, hearing the sound of it as she hurried along to the maternity ward. In a small hospital there was not the same demarcation line between one doctor's duties and another, and assisting the Registrar—a stocky Welshman in his mid-thirties— In an unusually lengthy breech birth, she wondered what Jason Scott's reactions would be if he could see her now. It was a certainty none of the other women he knew did anything more arduous than shopping for clothes!

  ' What's the joke?' the Registrar asked later, as they drank hot, sweet tea in the small utility room off the I ward. ' You've been smiling to yourself for the past halfhour.'

  'I was comparing the life I lead with the life of a debutante.'

  ' They don't exist any more. You're behind the times!'

  ' Well, let's say a rich young girl.'

  Alan Davies laughed. ' Don't tell me you've got regrets, doctor!'

  ' Would it surprise you if I had?'

  'It would more than surprise me. You're one of the few dedicated women I know. Most of the others just work to pass the time until they can get married '

  It was a back-handed compliment that only hit home as she lay in bed later that night, and she thought about it for a long time. Did most men believe that a woman who loved her profession could not also love a man? Martin—in a more subtle way—had suggested it too, and in a Jess subtle way had proffered Jason. " I'll show them," she vowed as she pulled the blanket round her head. " From now on it'll be stethoscope and false eyelashes "

  The following evening Paula dined in the staff canteen with Donald. Alan Davies was at the next table and, loudly enough for him to hear, she excused herself from coffee and pushed back her chair. 'I've a date with Jason Scott'

  ' With whom?' Donald splattered, 'I thought yon didn't like him'

  'I've changed my mind' Her smile, innocent and wide, included the two men. ' A woman's prerogative, you know. Even if she is a doctor '

  Delighted with the effect she had caused, Paula sauntered out, and in this buoyant mood went to see Jason again. Her visit was the first of many, and over the weeks she came to know him well. He was surprisingly well-read, with an unusual ability to get to the heart of the matter, and their conversation ranged from philosophy to religion, from politics to economics.

  It was natural that it should eventually turn to her reasons for becoming a doctor, and she found herself telling him the difficulties her mother had overcome in order to help her through medical school, and the doubts she herself had experienced during the arduous years of training.

  'You've no doubts any more, have you?' he asked quietly when she finished speaking.

  ' No. Being a doctor is the only thing I want to do'

  'It must be wonderful to be so sure'

  In view of her opinions about the way he lived—which she had determinedly kept silent on—she had no comment to make, and she leaned back in her chair and watched him as, head bent, he looked at the shadows thrown on to the coverlet by the lamp above his head.

  He shifted his position, putting his eyes on a level with her own.

  ' You're one of the few intelligent women I've met.'. .

  ' Thank you.' Her voice was dry. ' Tom the queue and tell me I'm also dedicated and heading for spinsterdom'

  He raised an eyebrow. 'I detect a certain touchiness in that remarkl'

  'You detect right' She leaned forward, her hair glinting like amber in the light from the lamp. ' Being a doctor isn't enough. One day I'll marry and have children. But it won't be because I want security or someone to lean on. It'll be for love'

  'I'm glad to hear it.' There was no sarcasm in his voice. '

  The thing I like most about you is that you're go sure of everything. You've no doubts or fears'

  'I have plenty of doubts, but I hide them or fight them!'

  'I can imagine you fighting them, he grinned. ' That's one thing ' never do.'

  ' You run away instead' She was sorry the moment she had spoken, for the relaxed look left his face and he scowled, reminding her of the spoiled young man she had thought him to be the first time she had seen him.

  'I'll never work for my father again—if that's what you mean'

  ' Because you can't change him?'

  ' Because I can't change myself. And talking about changes,'

  he said with a lightning switch of the subject, ' don't you ever wear anything except a dark dress and white jacket?'

  ' Not when I'm on duty'

  ' What do you wear when you're not? I've no idea of your taste'

  'Pink mink!'

  'I bet you haven't even got a brown one!' As she laughed, he continued: 'Don't you like furs, Paula?'

  ' Of course I do. I like furs and diamonds and beautiful clothes, but I can't afford them.' She stood up. ' So I don't waste time thinking about them.'

  ' That's unusual' he said. ' But then you're a very unusual woman, aren't you?'

  He was looking at her so intensely that fear of him, absent for so long, returned again, and she edged to the door.

  'Don't go yet, Paula. Stay and talk to me' 'Not now. It's late.'

  'I never notice the time when you're here'

  'That's one thing doctors can't forget' she said fightly. ' My idea of heaven is a place with no clocks or watches '

  'Can't you forget you're a doctor?' he said abruptly. 'Just once in your life, can't you answer me as a woman?'

  She hesitated and then leaned against the door. A few weeks ago she would have opened it and run out, but now ft was far too late. He had asked a question and he deserved an answer. Indeed, it was a question she had been expecting from him, and she had considered carefully what she would say when he asked it. But words which had seemed so logical and sensible when she had said them to herself no longer seemed that way when she went to speak them aloud. Or perhaps the sight of him only a few feet away made nonsense of her resolve to keep their relationship on a platonic basis? Yet there could be nothing else between them, and if he were too immature to realize it, then she must see it for him.

  'You talk as if my being a doctor and being a woman are two different parts of me.'

  'Aren't they?'

  ' Certainly not. I'm a woman and a doctor. The two go together'

  ' You're only the doctor with me' he said abruptly. ' You never let yourself be the woman.'

  'That's not true. I'm not visiting you professionally, Jason. You're Mr. Edgar's patient, not mine. I come and see you because I enjoy talking to you, listening, arguing'

  'What about loving?' he interrupted. ' That's something we haven't done yet.'

  The words shocked her into silence. ' That shook you, didn't it?' he continued. And suddenly he was the Jason Scott of their first meeting: arrogant, wilful and as brutally truthful as a child. with a child's inability to see the dangers that being

  ilul might bring with it.

  'I wish you hadn't said that' she said slowly.

  ' Why? So that you can go on living in cloud-cuckoo land ! I love you, Paula. Surely you realize that?'

  'No! You can't !'

  'I do. Seeing you each day is the only thing that makes being in hospital bearable.'

  ' You won't always be in hospital.' She saw the opening and took it. When you're in your own home— among your friends—everything that happened here will be like a dream.'

  ' Rubbish! I haven't fallen in love with you because you're a doctor who once took care of me, but because a beautiful woman and I --'

  'Don't! It isn't true.'

  'Of course it's true. Look at yourself in the mirror. You're beautiful and I love you.'

  'Beauty!' She made the word as scornful as s
he 'could.

  'Is that the reason you fall in love—because a woman is beautiful?'

  'It's a good beginning.' He was relaxed again, enjoying a situation in which he felt the master. 'Being able to talk to you also helps At least we won't get bored with each other!'

  ' Speak for yourself.'

  There was a long silence and the colour seeped from his face, intensifying the blueness of his eyes. ' Do I bore you?' he said at last. 'I want an honest answer, not a sarcastic jibe because you're frightened of your own emotions.'

  She averted her head and stared at the curtains framing the window and the night sky. The plain, honest truth. If only she knew what that was! How typical of Jason to think that the truth could be so easily discovered.

  'I shouldn't have said what I did just now,' she admitted. '

  You don't bore me, you never have. But I didn't say it because I'm frightened I'll get hurt. I said it because I'm frightened you will.' She turned and looked at him. ' We've nothing in common, Jason. It's difficult for you to believe that now, but when you're home again you'll understand what I mean. At the moment, this room is your whole world and I'm a part of it. But when you're well again you'll look back on everything here as an interlude.'

  'I love you,' he repeated. ' Believe me, darling.'

  'I do—but it won't last, 'We come from different worlds,'

  she said again, ' and when you're out of here you'll realize it yourself.'

  He was so long replying that she wondered whether he agreed with her. But when he finally spoke she knew he had refused to accept it,

  'I'm not going to argue with you, Paula. All I can do is wait till I'm out of here and then prove you wrong.'

  The entry of a nurse with his nightcap forestalled Paula's reply, and leaving the girl fussing around him she made her escape. But it was impossible to escape from the emotions he had aroused in her. Never before had she met anyone like him, and thought his nonchalant attitude to life was alien from her own—as she had bluntly told him—

  this difference was part of his attraction for her. As her difference undoubtedly was for him!

  "He'll forget me when he's home again," she told herself as she lay in bed that night. " If only it will be as easy for me to forget him." Restlessly she turned on her pillow. None of this would have happened if it hadn't been for Martin. In her determination to show him she was not running away from life, she had allowed Jason to come closer than any man had ever been. That's what came of living a cloistered life; it left one an easy prey to sexual attraction. Even as the idea came to mind she dismissed it for the nonsense it was. She had known many men who would eagerly have satisfied a physical need if she had given them any encouragement. But until she had met Jason she had never felt the need, never known the desire. What was so different about him that just the knowledge that he was near to her could turn her limbs to water? Where did his attractiveness lie? Why did he have the power to make her so vulnerable? She knew there was no logical answer to any of these questions, and knew that in this lay her danger.

  For the rest of the week she did not go and see him, but in every spare moment she bad only to close her eyes to see his face looking at her with the quizzical expression she had come to know so well; in every Silence she could hear his drawling voice, and when she slcpt at night it was to dream of him saying he loved her and coming towards her with his arms outstretched.

  "I'm crazy to go on thinking about him," she told herself on the fourth sleepless night since their last meeting. " I'm turning him into something that doesn't exist. He's an ordinary man. Better looking than most and certainly richer, but ordinary none the less."

  In an effort to prove it to herself she decided to see Jason once more, and before going off duty the next evening she went to his room.

  He was standing on crutches by the window and he turned instantly. She knew from the physiotherapy department the tenacity with which he had tackled the exercises set for him, but this was the first time she herself had seen him standing, and she was unprepared for the difference it made to him, giving him a strength and masculinity that made him even more attractive.

  'I didn't expect you to come and see me again.' He moved forward and, in doing so, almost fell. She gave a gasp and took a step towards him, but he caught at the edge of the bed, dropping his crutches to the floor.

  ' Stay there,' he ordered, and set out to master the few yards that separated them. He concentrated on each movement and she saw the shimmer of sweat on his forehead. Inch by inch he came nearer, and then suddenly he was close, his arms around her. Though his legs were weak his hold was strong, and at the feel of his muscles and the warmth of his breath on her cheek, her senses reeled.

  'I've waited so long for this,' he said huskily, and fought for her lips.

  Instinctively she went to draw back, then fear that he might fall kept her motionless and instead she twisted her head away from him. Her eyes caught the outline of the hospital bed, and the paraphernalia of sickness brought home to her even more forcibly the invidiousness of her position.

  ' Jason, stop it! Let me go!'

  'No! I want you.' He tried to pull her round to face him, but the effort made him stagger. He_clutched her hard, a moan coming from his lips as he inadvertently rested the weight of his body on his legs.

  ' Sit down,' she said urgently. ' You'll hurt yourself.'

  Without looking at her he limped to the bed and sank down on it. His skin was ashen and his breathing so fast that it took away all sense of embarrassment, and she reached out and felt for his pulse.

  ' Always the little doctor, aren't you?' His voice was thick with pain, but there was no mistaking the bitterness in it.

  'I'm surprised you're not scared to come near me. Or is my weakness the only guarantee you've got that I won't try and rape you?'

  'If you think you'll embarrass me by talking like that . . .'

  ' Nothing would embarrass you.'

  ' How right you are.' She let go his wrist and turned away, but unexpectedly he caught her jacket.

  ' Paula, stay with me! I'm sorry for what I said; I didn't mean it.'

  'I know you didn't.' She turned to look at him again. '

  You're like a little boy, Jason, hitting out when you're hurt.'

  'It isn't only little boys who do that. Most adults do it too. You've been away from the normal world so long you've forgotten how people behave.'

  ' Whom do you think I deal with every day of my life?'

  ' Not people,' he said quietly, ' patients. They're always patients to you. Just as I am.'

  Here at last was his own acknowledgement of what she had reiterated to him many times before. Yet hearing him say it gave her no sense of triumph, only a sudden and unbearable sense of aloneness.

  'Well?' he said again. ' Aren't you pleased? You've finally got me to admit I've failed with you. Yes, you're my first failure, Paula. The one woman who didn't succumb to my charms!'

  'What's one failure in such a long list of triumphs '

  'True,' he conceded. ' But it hurts my vanity none the less'

  His choice of words goaded her into anger. ' Another woman is the best prescription to cure that kind of hurt.'

  ' Thank you, doctor, I'll take your advice. Is there anyone you can recommend?'

  'It might be better if I don't see you again, Jason.'

  'It might, indeed.' There was irony in his answer. 'Aren't you going to say goodbye properly? It isn't polite to do it with your back turned.'

  Keeping her face devoid of expression, she did as he had asked. ' Goodbye, Jason. I wish you well.' Quickly she opened the door and went out, turning blindly in the direction of the main hospital. Jason had told her to go. It was what she had wanted and there was no reason to feel this unexpected sense of loneliness. The corridor blurred and only then did she realize she was crying. " Don't be a fool," she told herself. " You've done the right thing. Love isn't enough to bridge the distance between us." She stopped, aghast at where her e
rrant thoughts had led her. From what subconscious well had they sprung? And for how long had they lain dormant? "I'm mad," she whispered. " I can t love him." But words, no matter how convincingly said, could not help her now. What's done cannot be undone. . . Like Lady Macbeth, she realized it was too late. All that was left was to hope that logic would convince her she had been right to run away from him; right to believe that his love for her would disappear once be left the hospital. If only she were as sure that she would forget him as easily.

  For the remainder of the week she exhausted herself with work, but once off duty memory of Jason returned to haunt her. The weekend loomed ahead and she debated whether to contact Martin. But even as she picked up the telephone to call him, she decided against It. It was better to be alone than to raise further problems with another man.

  On an impulse she wired her mother that she was coming home, and Friday night found her making the crosscountry journey back to the safety of her past. Once she was in the house where she had grown from a child to a woman, she was sure common sense would reassert itself and she would be able to acknowledge that, in saying goodbye to Jason, she had made the right decision. But in this she was wrong, for, surrounded by familiar belongings and familiar faces, she was only the more aware of how much she had changed. Fool that she had been to believe she was the same Paula who had first gone to medical school. Not only had time made its inevitable difference to her, but the responsibilities of her profession had also left its mark. Even her mother could no longer share her thoughts, and she wondered with disgust whether superior knowledge had made her feel superior. Yet surely this was untrue? Was it not fairer to say that she was so accustomed to making her own decisions that she could no longer accept advice from anyone else—unless it was in the field of medicine?

  Acceptance of this fact somehow accentuated the loneliness of her future, and she knew that if she wanted the oneness of spirit and mind which she considered so essential to a happy marriage she would have to marry someone in her own profession. Inevitably this made her think of Martin; inevitably it made her realize that logic had nothing to do with love. But this did not mean that Jason was right for her. She loved him, but she must put him out of her life.