Price of love

by Rachel Lindsay

  'I Jove the house' she told Jason. ' You were right. I know we can be happy here.'

  That night she could not wait to get home to Jason, and for once it was she who was the more eager to seal their love—finding as they came together a new ecstasy far beyond the quiet satisfaction she had obtained from his pleasure.

  But as if fortune had decided their happiness was too good to last, the next morning Paula's peace of mind was disrupted by a letter from France. From Jason's mother, but addressed to her.

  Paula knew a sense of disquiet as she read the angular script which, in a subtle way, conveyed reproach at the secrecy of the marriage to her son, together with an understanding of Paula's motives for doing so: the fear of a girl from a poor background marrying into a family of social position. But it was the last paragraph which extended an invitation for them to come down to the villa the following weekend that gave her a heightened sense of foreboding, and she passed the letter to Jason, wondering whether he would comment on it.

  'I must say she's taken it surprisingly well' he said as he put the letter down. ' We really must go out and see her.'

  ' Of course.' Paula poured herself another cup of tea, and felt Jason's glance on her.

  ' What's wrong, Paula? Mother's letter hasn't upset you, has it?'

  'It's hardly tactful of her to ask us down next weekend when she knows Caroline will be there'

  ' How do you know that?'

  ' Debbie told me.'

  'If you think Mother's invited us deliberately to'

  'I do. Your mother knows very well it was Caroline's Ees that made me leave the villa last time.'

  ' How would she know a thing like that?'

  ' Because your mother was the one who implied that you were going to marry Caroline, and who also made sure she came down to the villa the weekend I was there.'

  'Must we go into all this again?' Jason flung the letter on to the table. ' We're married, Paula. Caroline can't harm us now'

  ' Can't shel' Paula flared. ' Your mother still hopes that next time we quarrel you'll run to Caroline for consolation.'

  Angrily Jason pushed back his chair and caught her by the shoulders. ' Do you think so little of me that you believe I'll rush into another woman's arms the minute we quarrel? Don't you know how I feel about you?'

  Not even waiting for an answer, he flung her aside and strode out of the room.

  ' Jason I' she called. ' Come backl' But it was too late. The front door slammed and she heard the sound of his car starting up.

  It was a miserable and seemingly interminable day for Paula, and she came home determined to make up to Jason for her outburst.

  ' Forget it,' be said, interrupting her apology with a kiss. 'I forgot the whole thing five minutes after I left you.'

  Paula's relief at finding him good-tempered was spoiled by a niggle of grievance that a scene which had poisoned her entire day should have only disturbed him for a few moments. Somehow she could not believe he was speaking the truth, but knew that to question him would put him on his guard against her. She sighed. How wrong it was that their defences should still be up. Surely marriage should have made this unnecessary?

  It was a question she was to ask herself repeatedly in the weeks that followed, for though her mother-in-law's letter was not referred to again, it seemed to remain between them.

  Its arrival also seemed to coincide with the end of their few brief halcyon weeks. Never could Paula recall so many emergency calls, and to her heightened imagination it seemed that Jason had only to suggest dinner at the country club, a visit to a cinema or a spin in the country, for the telephone to ring and summon her back to the hospital.

  When, for the fourth time in succession, she was dragged from her bed after midnight, Jason exploded with fury.

  'Next time that damn thing rings,' he threatened, 'I'll have it disconnected. It's got to the point where I daren't make love to you for fear of being interrupted. This isn't a marriage, it's a farce I'

  ' You knew what it was going to be like before you married me.'

  'I knew you were a doctor, but I never thought you were a slave. This can't go on, Paula. You've got to leave the hospital,'

  At last it had come. The ultimatum he had promised he would never make—the ultimatum she had been

  expecting.

  ' Being a doctor is more than a job,' she said quietly, 'it's my life.'

  He sat up in bed and looked at her across the counterpane.

  'I'm not asking you to give up medicine—only tlie hospital. If you went into private practice with a partner you could have regular working hours.'

  'I'm not interested in private practice.'

  'Why not?'

  4I haven't got a good bedside manner.'

  ' Rubbish I'

  ' We can't talk about it now. I must go.' She put on her coat and at the bedroom door hesitated, longing to run back and kiss him, yet knowing that if she did so he would see it as a sign that she would do as he asked. Silently she closed the door behind her and left the house. One more area of dissension had now been uncovered, bringing with it one more topic that must be avoided. And there were already so many.

  Paula longed to talk over her problems with Martin, but it was a disloyalty she could not allow herself, and even when she occasionally caught him looking at her quizzically she never took advantage of the fact. Eventually she started to avoid being atone with him in case he might inadvertently ask her a question that would break through her defences and cause her to say something which she might regret. It was Donald, however, who finally forced her to speak about it.

  ' What's going wrong between you and Jason?' he asked during an unexpected lull in Casualty one morning. Paula coloured and said lightly: ' Too many emergency calls. It's beginning to irritate him.'

  ' He knew what your job was when he married you.'

  Ironically she found herself defending Jason. 'I don't think he realized how much it would interfere with our life. Make sure you and Debbie aren't faced with the same problem.'

  ' We won't be. Debbie will give up nursing when we are married.'

  ' Well, I can't give up being a doctor.'

  'Is that what Jason wants?'

  ' No. Only that I should go into private practice.'

  ' That's not a bad idea.'

  ' Don't you start,' she said crossly. ' You know very well I'm not the type.'

  'It may be the only way to . . .'

  There was no need for him to finish the sentence, and the depression that had vaguely surrounded her for the last few weeks seemed to grow in strength. ' There must be another way,' she murmured. ' Once Jason gets involved in the factory and doesn't have so much free time'

  'You're joking' Donald interrupted. 'Jason will never get involved in the factory as long as his father's there'

  ' He's trying' Paula said defensively. ' Last night I was even home before him.' She stopped as she saw the strange look on Donald's face. ' What is it? Why are you looking like that?'

  'I don't know what you mean.'

  ' Don't lie to me, Donald. Something I just said gave you a shock. What was it?' Still Donald hesitated. ' You'd better tell me. If you don't I'll find out from someone else.'

  'It's only that—that Debbie and I had the day off yesterday and we saw Jason at the races. That's why he got back late last night.'

  Paula found it impossible to speak. Jason was his own master; if he wanted to go racing instead of working, there was nothing she could do to prevent it. But to do so secretly implied a fear of her that made her feel frightened.

  I wasn't going to mention it,' Donald said awkwardly. ' But—I'm sorry, Paula.' ' What for? I'd have found out sooner or later.' She was still in a mood of depression when she

  returned home that evening and found Jason, feet up, whisky glass in hand, in front of the television set.

  ' You're back early for a change' she said coldly.

  'That's usually my line' he said, and lowered his glass. ' As a matte
r of fact my game finished earlier than I thought'

  ' Game?'

  He nodded. ' Golf.' He mixed her a drink and handed her the glass. She took it from him with trembling hands and set it down abruptly before she dropped it.

  ' You seem to be enjoying yourself,' she said with an effort.

  'Golf today, racing yesterday . . . when are you going to take up work?'

  The sbight smile on his face vanished, as did the look of humour in his eyes. ' So that's what you think I I might have known you'd rush in and misjudge me.' He smiled again, but this time it was unpleasant. ' Let me put you in the picture, Paula. In this rather topsyturvy society of ours, more business deals are pulled off on race-tracks and golf-courses than are ever concluded over an office desk.'

  It took a second for his words to register, and when they did, pleasure lifted away her depression. 'Oh, Jason!

  Why didn't you tell me?'

  ' And spoil your chance of condemning me? t wouldn't do a tning like thatl'

  Slowly she picked up her drink, careful to avoid his eyes. She hadn't seen Jason in this mood before and knew that another bitter row was hovering between them, but this time she was the one to blame and she knew she must act very carefully. 'I'm sorry,' she whispered. ' You've every right to be angry with me.

  'I m not angry with you, Paula. Just disappointed' He touched her cheek lightly with his finger. ' Shall we go out for dinner? I'm sure you're too tired to bother with any cooking.'

  'It's no bother. I'll soon rustle up something.'

  ' No. I'd rather go out.'

  Paula had no choice but to accept his decision, even though she knew it was because he did not want to be alone with her. She remembered the warning Debbie had given her so many months ago. " Jason must know you have faith in him ..." If only she could show him that she had. Yet whenever she tried to bolster up his confidence and ask about the things he was doing, he seemed to misunderstand it: assuming she was either checking up on him or else making sure he was working. " Whatever I do is wrong," she thought wearily. "Maybe we shouldn't have got married . . ."

  Over dinner, he set out to amuse her, telling her in detail of the day he had spent at the races with an American buyer. But though she laughed in all the right places she could not forget that it was this very face meeting which had precipitated their latest argument, nor the fact that he had made no mention of having gone there until she herself had brought it up.

  That night, for the first time, she found no pleasure in his lovemaking, and long after he had fallen asleep she lay wakeful beside him, wondering what she could do to make him see her as a woman who wanted to help him and not control him. The main trouble, of course, was that he did not believe she needed and loved him as much as he needed her. Maybe she would have to give up her work in order to make him see this. Yet to stop being a doctor would be to admit defeat. Jason had married her knowing she was an independent woman whose work was

  important to her. To give it up was a coward's way out that might eventually make her hate him.

  She slid across the bed and rested against him, but the warmth of his body did not warm her; in the same way that her strength could not give him strength, nor her need of him make him feel needed. It was a belief he must realize for himself. There was no other way it could come.

  CHAPTER IX

  The weeks passed without any noticeable change in their relationship, and though Paula could not find anything tangible, she knew that some spark between herself and Jason had gone.

  Autumn gave way to winter, and brown leaves to bare twigs. And one evening when Paula came home, Jason announced that they would be able to move into their new house within two months.

  'You'd better start choosing the colour schemes,' he Said, holding out a bundle of wallpaper patterns.

  ' You choose them, Jason. Your taste is much better than mine.'

  A shuttered look came over his face and she knew that again she had said the wrong thing. But she was too weary at the end of a long, harassing day to pretend an enthusiasm she did not, at this moment, feel. If marriage to Jason was going to be one continual pretence, she wanted none of it.

  'All right. I'll choose,' he said, tight-lipped, 'but don't blame me if you don't like it.'

  'I'm sure I'll like it.'

  'I don't suppose it'll matter if you don't. Your home is the least important thing to you.'

  ' For heaven's sakel' she flared. 'I'm tired. Can't you understand that?'

  'I'm tired too.'

  ' What have you got to be tired from—two rounds of golf?'

  This time it was she who went out and slammed the door, not returning to the house until many hours later. It was after this, she later realized, that Jason stopped telling her of the day-to-day events in the factory. He flew to France to see his mother, without telling her, and also made several trips to London and Paris. It was as if he were showing her that he had no need of her and that he no longer cared. Yet when she taxed him with not loving her, he denied it vehemently, possessing her

  that night with such passion that it momentarily dispelled her fears. But with the daylight they returned, and watching him gulp his coffee and leave, she knew that physical union meant nothing without a mental one. In the Jast week of November Jason went on business to Paris. He promised to return the same night and she rushed back from the hospital to prepare a special dinner, taking great pains with the table setting, buying flowers and arranging them, and changing into one of the beautiful dresses ne bad bought for her and which she seemed to wear all too rarely. Eight o'clock came and went without any sign of him, and at nine, when anxiety was beginning to mount, he telephoned from Orly Airport to say that fog had delayed his plane and he would not be home until the morning.

  ' Couldn't you have rang me earlier?' Disappointment at her wasted effort made her voice sound angry and she only realized it when his reply, sharp and irritable, came back.

  'I didn't think an hour or two would matter. Don't tell me you managed to get off from the hospital I'

  ' As a matter of fact, I did. But I could always go back and nil in time.'

  Lying in bed alone that night she once again examined the last few months of her marriage, and knew that if she wished to save it she must do something at once. There was no more time for prevarication.

  Living with Jason had in no way diminished her need of him, nor his need of her, and she knew it was up to her to make the first move to see that the other side of their relationship—the companionship and understanding—

  was equally strong. It might mean that she would have to give up Marsden after all, but if it were a choice of giving up the hospital or Jason, she knew now which one it would have to be. Strange that a decision which she had found so difficult to make when he had first demanded it should suddenly become so easy to do. No doubt it had been subconsciously in her mind for weeks, needing only this moment of Jason's absence for her to recognize it. "I'll tell him as soon as he comes back," she decided, and anticipated his

  pleasure with an equal satisfaction. " Perhaps I'll even take three months off before I look for a private practice. That'll give me time to settle down in our new house and to help with the furnishing." Her pleasure grew as she anticipated the hundred and one things with which she could occupy her mind, each task making her more of a wife and less of a doctor. If only she had had the sense to do this at the beginning, to realize that it was necessary to be Jason's wife wholeheartedly before he would be able to accept her as a doctor.

  The excitement of the decision she had made only allowed Paula to sleep fitfully, and dawn found her brewing a cup of tea in the kitchen. In three hours Jason would be here. If only he were with her this minute I pie sharp ringing of the telephone brought her hurriedly into the living-room and, anticipating a call from the hospital, she was surprised to hear Jason's voice.

  ' Bad news, I'm afraid,' he said abruptly. ' Father's had a heart attack.'

  It did not come as a shock to Paula, but
she was careful not to say so. 'Where is he?'

  ' At the villa. He'd gone there for a few days' rest. When I knew I was stuck here last night I telephoned through to tell him. It was lucky I did. Otherwise they wouldn't have known where to get hold of me.'

  'Where are you speaking from ?'

  ' The airport. I'm flying to the villa at once. I just wanted you to break the news to Debbie and tell her she'd better come over.'

  'Of course,'

  'I'm sorry for waking you up so early." It was the apology of a stranger, and she tried to break through the barrier.

  'I'm so sorry about your father, Jason. If there's anything I can do'

  ' Nothing,' he interrupted. ' Don't worry about it, Paula. I know you're busy.'

  For a long while after she put down the telephone she remained staring at it, seeing his refusal of her offer to help as the final sign that their marriage had reached the crossroads. Her desire to fly to the villa and be with him was tempered by the knowledge that he had made it plain that he didn't want her, and even though she knew his words might have been prompted by hurt, she felt that now was not the moment to have any discussion with him. Far better to wait until they were in their own home together . . .