A Cross to Bear

by Julieanne Lynch

  “Man, don’t worry about it,” I said.

  “I owe you both an explanation.” He looked sad as he sat down on his bed.

  “Why didn’t you tell us?” I asked. “I would never have thought any different of you.”

  Shaking his head, he barely looked at me. “From where I come from, folks criticize people like me. My parents never accepted the idea that I was gay. I suppose I feared how people would judge me, especially in the athletic community. But this is me. I’m gay.”

  Spence and I rallied around Drake. Neither of us wanted to let him down. Not now.

  “Drake,” I said. “Anyone who judges you and labels you has no place in your life. They aren’t worthy of you and your friendship.”

  “And what about what you all witnessed last night?” He looked up at us, teary-eyed.

  “What about it?” I asked. “Spence got laid. Hell, God only knows what went on after we left.”

  “He’s right, Drake,” Spence said. “Screw last night. Let’s just focus on what happens today and take it from there.”

  “I’m so ashamed,” he cried. “Ashamed that I didn’t come out earlier. That I didn’t have the strength to tell the people who count. I didn’t have the courage to do it, and I’ve been living a lie ever since.”

  Hearing my best friend tell me how hard hiding who he was hurt me in more ways than I believed possible. Anger filled me. I wanted to get revenge on Ethan for everything he’d put Drake through. There was no justifying what he’d gone through. He deserved so much more. There had to be a way of showing him that no one passed judgment.

  Just as we were talking, our phones pinged, each of us receiving text messages.

  “It’s Tommy. They’re making the cut,” Spence said.

  “I don’t think I can do this,” Drake muttered.

  “Yes, you can. All three of us can. If we back out now, they win,” I said. “I’m no quitter, and I sure as hell know you haven’t gotten to where you have by being a defeatist. I say we meet them head-on. Show them that they can try to break us, but they will fail.”

  “Hell yeah!” Spence shouted.

  “You sure?” Drake asked.

  “Bro, the three of us started this thing together, and we will complete this together,” I said. “Fuck them and their hazing rituals.”

  That was the fire that drove the message home to Drake. It was loud, clear and to the point. It proved our loyalty to him.

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  “What do you mean you knew?” Logan asked. “You knew and you didn’t tell me?”

  “I didn’t think it was my place to tell you. He made me promise,” Bree said, defending her silence.

  Logan’s shoulders slumped with defeat. “Can you imagine how I felt learning about this by witnessing that goddamn show your ex put on? It was fucking disgusting. You knew all along the kind of bullshit that prick would do.”

  A pained expression spread across Bree’s face. “That’s so unfair, Logan, and you know it.”

  His eyes bored into hers. “Is it?”

  “Yes.”

  “No, because if you had been there and seen what they did to him, then you’d understand.”

  “Logan, I was there. Once upon a time, I was a pledge, too. I know the crap that they’ll make you do just to satisfy their own egos.” Bree didn’t want to cry, but it was hard holding back her emotions.

  Logan folded his arms across his chest. “What do you mean?”

  “Do you not think I know what goes down during Hell Week? I have my own tale that I promised I’d never tell. Yet you’re happy to stand there, passing judgment and acting like a complete ass.”

  “I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I never thought.”

  “Exactly, Logan, you never thought, and that’s what hurts me more. Instead of thinking about Drake and what he’s going through, you’re focused on me not telling you something that was never mine to tell you.” Bree turned her back on Logan and walked to the door. “I want you to leave.”

  “Bree!”

  “No, Logan, please go.” She held the door open.

  Logan sighed with dismay and the corners of his mouth tilted downward. He tilted his head at her in acknowledgment and left.

  Bree closed the door behind him, sliding down it to the floor to cry. It was the hardest she’d cried in weeks. She was disappointed in Logan and how he’d reacted. He’d behaved like a stupid, irrational little boy. Resting her head against the door, she tried to ignore the pain roiling with her.

  A gentle knock drew her attention.

  “Go away, Logan.”

  “I don’t want to,” he replied from the other side of the door.

  Bree sniffed and wiped her eyes, but held her ground.

  “Bree,” he said, “I know I’m an ass. That much we can both agree on.”

  “You’re more than an ass. You’re a jerk, and right now, I hate you.”

  “Really?”

  “No, but you deserve it,” she cried.

  “That I do.”

  “I promised him I wouldn’t say a thing, and I am true to my word, Logan.”

  “Baby, I’m sorry. I’m just tired, angry and hungover.”

  Bree got to her feet and opened the door. “Are you going to grovel?”

  Logan’s eyes were full of remorse. “I am not too proud to beg,” he said, wrapping his arms around her legs.

  “Then get up and show me,” Bree demanded, grabbing his hand and leading him to her bed.

  “I love you,” he whispered, undoing the buttons on Bree’s shirt.

  “I love you more.”

  Their make-up sex was hard, raw and full of all the emotion that consumed them. It was beautiful, sexy and rampant, and was the first time they’d experienced being mutually sorry for something neither had control over.

  * * * *

  “Drake,” Bree said. “If you don’t eat, I’ll ram this down your throat myself.”

  Drake smirked and shook his head, lifting the sandwich to his mouth. “This is an ambush, and it’s not fair,” he said before taking a bite.

  “Possibly, but we love you. If you want to keep on top of your training, you need to eat.” Bree was firm.

  “Hell, I don’t get the whole training thing, but I second what Bree said,” Jet remarked, taking a sip of her coffee. “And as things go, this isn’t the worst thing that will ever happen to you.”

  “Jet!” Bree looked at her.

  “Seriously, it’s true. I’ve been there. I’ve had to come out myself. Yes, sometimes people are ugly with their intentions and how they accept things, but fuck it. If I can survive the peanut butter in the diaper incident, you’ll survive being fucked by a tranny,” Jet said.

  Drake, Logan and Bree stared at her.

  Jet didn’t mince her words. Why would she? Her honesty was spot on. She would never sugarcoat the truth. Not when Ethan had done a good job in humiliating Drake.

  “Oh my God, the peanut butter in the pants thing, that was real?” Logan asked.

  “Yup, very much so,” Jet replied. “Didn’t Bree tell you how we had a rash so thick that I needed antibiotics because of the friction?”

  “Wow,” Drake replied. “I guess Ethan let me off lightly.”

  Everyone looked at him.

  Jet guffawed and spat out her coffee. “Oh, God, I could make up so many bad puns with what you just said, but I won’t. I shall abstain.”

  “At least we’re on the road to self-affirmation,” Bree said.

  “We’re on the road all right,” Logan said. “And it’s leading us right to the doors of Gamma Alpha Pi.”

  “When do you guys move in?” Jet asked between a mouthful of muffin, picking at her nose ring.

  “Today,” Drake answered. “We’ve a few more hours before it’s all official.”

  “Like lambs to the slaughter,” Logan remarked.

  Bree reached across the table and touched his arm. “Nope, you guys will be okay, I promise. Where’s Spence?”<
br />
  Drake and Logan exchanged a look and smiled.

  “He’s got himself a little someone who likes to occupy his mind,” Logan said, not doing a good job of hiding his amusement.

  “Oh, no, not the girl he fucked?” Jet asked, raising an eyebrow.

  Drake nodded. “Yup, that would be the one.”

  “Wow, I guess there’s someone for everyone out there,” Bree said. “That’ll be a story for the grandkids.”

  “You bet,” Logan agreed.

  Bree sat with her group of friends, eating, enjoying one another’s company, and often taking the piss out of each other. Bree was aware that the camaraderie was what they needed, even though she suspected there was a lot of heartache hidden beneath their smiles

  * * * *

  Bree was walking across campus to her art history class when she saw Jenny strolling toward her, accompanied by Martha and Rachel. She ignored them and gazed in the opposite direction, anything that meant not having to talk to or acknowledge them.

  “Watch it, girls. You better lock your fathers up when this one’s about,” Jenny remarked, flipping her hair over her shoulder.

  Something snapped in Bree at that moment. It was as if she finally saw Jenny’s true colors, a striking resemblance to Jack’s.

  Martha and Rachel didn’t say anything. They remained quiet, unsure of what to do and say. Jenny’s little monkeys rarely performed without her say-so.

  “You know what, Jenny? You need to get a grip,” Bree said. “Your tirade of abuse is beginning to bore me. So what? I fucked up. I’m only human.”

  “Yeah, that’s what you keep telling yourself, sweetheart. Because the fact still remains that you’re a whore who loves to sleep with other people’s fathers,” Jenny said.

  “No, honey, just your daddy,” Bree said, turning her back on them and continuing on her way to class.

  Bree smiled to herself, well aware of the fact that she’d hit Jenny where it hurt the most. Jenny wouldn’t let it go so easily, but she also had knowledge of Jenny’s weaknesses. Being made to look like an ass was one of them.

  As friendships went, Jenny and Bree’s had gone through its course. It was sad, but she’d accepted that sometimes things happened for a reason. Yes, what she’d done with Jack was not exactly becoming of a young woman, but life was about learning from the mistakes you made and not paying for them for an eternity.

  Bree accepted all the changes that had occurred in her life. She no longer needed to punish herself for all the wrongs she’d committed. There was a time when she would have happily sunk into her own world, battling the depressive nature of her guilt. Now, so much had changed that she accepted her faults. She’d never intended on hurting Jenny, or anyone for that matter. She was just another casualty of the harsh lessons that came with life.

  * * * *

  Lost in her own little world as she left her class, Bree didn’t see Ethan waiting for her in the corridor until it was too late. He was a leech and his refusal to carry on with his own life was enough to make Bree wish ill on him.

  Ethan stepped into Bree’s line of sight.

  “What do you want?” she asked.

  “I thought it was high time we had a little chat,” he replied, wrapping his arm over her shoulder.

  Trying to push him away, Bree squirmed under his touch. “If I scream right now, I’m sure I’ll have somebody come to my rescue and I’ll report you for harassment. Or is that what you want? You want to play dirty, huh?”

  “Oh, I love it when you talk dirty,” Ethan said, smiling. “In fact, it turns me on, but you know that already.”

  Bree wanted to spit in his face, but that wouldn’t have been very lady-like. Instead, she elbowed him hard in the ribs, knocking some of the wind out of his sails.

  “You disgust me, you piece of shit,” she said, picking up her pace. Ethan wasn’t one to back down so easily, and soon ran up behind her, still wearing his smug grin. “Did you hear the gossip?” he asked.

  “Fuck off, Ethan.”

  “It seems your boyfriend’s BFF has a thing for cock, and not just any old cock, but tranny cock, can you believe it?” The smug expression on Ethan’s face deepened.

  “You’re a real piece of work, you know that?” Bree said, shaking her head in disgust.

  “Whoa there, sugar. I’m only passing on what I saw.”

  “You set that boy up. You also did it to spite Logan, and that makes you a sore loser in my eyes.”

  Bree couldn’t even stomach looking at him.

  “Baby, I’m not the loser here. Remember, Logan is having my sloppy seconds. Have you forgotten just how well we fucked?”

  “Once upon a time, I used to love you. You know, the head-over-heels bullshit, but then you made me feel like I was just another piece of ass. Not once did you say sorry or give a crap about what you did to me. I swore I’d never let another douchebag like you into my life. I may have failed, at least when I was with Jack, because that’s where you’re going to with this, right?” she asked, pointing her finger in his face.

  “I felt like a queen when I was with him. The whole time he fucked me, I realized what I had missed out on. I enjoyed being with a real man. Because let’s face it, Ethan, you’re far from being a man. So, if you don’t mind, I’ve a life and a real boyfriend who knows how to please me. Why don’t you run along back under your stone and be the little piece of shit you’ve always been?”

  Ethan stared at her, raising his eyebrow.

  Bree chuckled and walked away once more. Between Jenny and Ethan, she’d never been more assertive. She chalked her newfound confidence down to the fact that she now sought sanctuary and solace in the one place she knew no one would find her.

  * * * *

  Bree entered Saint Christopher’s. Instant relief washed over her as she knelt at the back of the church, waiting for the evening mass to begin. For someone who had never placed her faith in religion, or even believed in God or the bigger picture, Bree found herself at home in the chapel. Monsignor Mathers had welcomed her into the parish with open arms.

  Lost in her prayers, her newfound faith and the courage that had taken over Bree’s once wayward ways made her feel as if she could accomplish anything she put her mind to. She was beginning to love herself again. With this new love, she was no longer a worthless soul with no future.

  Bree stood with the rest of the congregation and said her prayers, listening to the Gospel and laughing in jest with the priest as he told one of his many stories. The church had renewed her faith. It was curing all the hurt and anger she’d kept locked away for so long. The power of prayer washed away the frustration she had toward Jenny and Ethan. One day, they, too, would grow up.

  She went straight home once the evening mass ended, eager to rest her head against Logan’s chest and listen to his heartbeat, while basking in the warmth of his arms wrapped around her. Nothing made sense to her, then and there. It was crazy trying to put it into words, but Logan was the one, and she wasn’t going to let him get away.

  Some things were worth fighting for.

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  The weeks and months all merged into one after I moved into the GAP house. It was nice having my own room, though I found it strange. I had become quite used to Spence, his snoring, his clutter and his general craziness. We were all under the one roof now, and that had to count for something.

  Between training, studying and Bree, I found myself slipping away from making time for the guys. They seemed happy enough doing their own thing, however. On occasion, I wished Ethan would drop dead from his consumption of vodka, or drown at training. Either way, wishing him dead wasn’t doing Drake any favors.

  Drake had become so withdrawn that it was hard to get two words out of him at any given time. He trained, he ate and he locked himself away in his room, rarely venturing out, other than to do his chores.

  I saw how lost he was. When I tried talking to him, I either got the brick wall in my face or silence.

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nbsp; Ethan had done a number on him. Regardless of how much Spence, a few of the other guys, and I tried to tell him that his sexuality meant nothing, it fell on deaf ears. Drake had finally closed the door, refusing to come out and see that life could be beautiful. He was afraid. His coming out was hard on him.

  Ethan made sure to fire shots at Drake whenever the urge came over him. “Hey, Drake, if you fancy getting laid this weekend, I know a few trannies who love cock just as much as you,” Ethan remarked before training one day.

  “Shut the fuck up, Ethan,” I said, trying to help Drake.

  “Logan, I can fight my own battles,” Drake replied, pushing past me.

  There was something terribly broken with Drake, and I didn’t know how to help him.

  * * * *

  It was the first Saturday after spring break. I set down my case in my room. I had arrived back at the house after spending some time with my father and stepfamily. It had been an odd time, but one I was surprised to enjoy. My father had made sure my every whim had been catered for, and he hadn’t failed to disappoint.

  Leaving my room, I saw Drake’s door open and popped my head in. “Hey there, bro. What time did you roll in?”

  Drake looked at me and grabbed his bag from the floor, completely ignoring me.

  “Have I done something wrong here?” I asked, offended by his silence.

  “No,” he replied. “I didn’t go home. I stayed on campus and just did what I do best.”

  “Drake, you’ve got to stop doing this to yourself.” I noticed the dark rings under his eyes.

  “Do what, Logan?” he asked. “Isn’t this what you wanted? Us, all here like one big happy family?”

  I couldn’t believe how much he’d changed. It hurt to see him so cold and unemotional. I convinced myself that once he’d come out and showed the world the real Drake, he would have moved on. But he was lost and hell-bent on destroying himself.

  “That’s not fair,” I said. “You know I’ve done everything a friend can do, but you keep shutting me out.”