Bitter Sweet Love

by R. C. Stephens

  I’m taken aback by how perceptive he is. “It’s really nothing like that. I just have my personal demons,” I reply, not wanting to discuss Dylan.

  He nods like he understands. “Yeah, I guess we all do. Is the relationship thing because of your mom?”

  It’s a difficult question for me to answer. It’s not really about my mom, and I don’t want to hurt Luc because it involves another guy. “Um, my parents are part of it. My dad cheated on my mom, and that’s why they divorced,” I say, trying to hide any emotion I feel.

  “That’s terrible. I could never imagine being unfaithful. Trust is such an important part of my life, both personal and business. If a girl ever cheated on me, I would dump her on the spot,” he replies with a clipped tone, and I wonder if he’s ever been cheated on.

  He looks so serious right now, but it’s not the time to press the issue, so I drop it. Luc’s sincere and clearly dedicated to one woman at a time. I realize how much I’ve missed the closeness of a man. With all the hookups, no one really gave a damn, and I was left feeling empty. It’s not easy to admit, but I feel positive about things for the first time in a long time.

  I surrender.

  Chapter 17

  Things Go Smoothly and Love Rears Its Ugly Head

  End of October 2012

  The autumn air whistles, swirling leaves across the sidewalk. The brisk wind reminds me that Thanksgiving’s just around the corner. Ashley’s arriving by train from Montreal this morning. I figure she’ll stay with me in my room. I went to the supermarket yesterday and bought all kinds of goodies and beer for her stay. I told Luc that he can’t sleep over when Ashley’s here and he was cool with it. He still offered to drive me to the train station, which was sweet of him.

  We get to the station, and I check the itinerary to see that Ashley’s train arrived twenty minutes ago. But she’s nowhere to be seen. I get a little worried that my little sister had cold feet about returning home. I’m checking my cell phone for any missed calls when I hear her clearing her throat in front of me. I know her voice anywhere.

  “Hey you, I was starting to get worried.” I grab her, giving her a big hug.

  She’s always been more like a daughter, the way I had to take care of her.

  “You look good, sis,” she says, hugging me back.

  “So do you.” Ashley is tall and slim like me, with the same big chest. But her hair is light brown and her skin is a couple shades darker than mine. We also have the same dark blue eyes. Looking at us you can tell we’re sisters.

  “Sorry, I’m being rude. Ashley, this is my, uh, friend, Luc.” I point to Luc, knowing he isn’t going to like ‘my friend’ comment.

  “Hello, it is a pleasure to meet you.” Luc takes her hand and kisses it in a very European way. He then squints at me. I should have introduced him as my boyfriend or something.

  “Ashley’s been studying at McGill University in Montreal,” I explain to Luc.

  “Oh, really, do you speak French?” he asks.

  “No, I wish. All my classes are in English, so I really haven’t had any time to learn the language.” My little sister is completely throwing me off. I don’t understand. She’s been able to speak French fluently ever since she spent two years in Paris. I’m now very curious where she’s going with this charade, but I go along with it.

  We walk back to Luc’s Escalade, and Ashley turns to me, with a wide-eyed look. She’s impressed that Luc has his own driver. We pile into the back seat, and Ashley tells me about her different psych classes. “No psychoanalyzing me this weekend, Ash,” I say, arching a brow. She smiles at me knowingly because she loves assessing me. I’m such a lost cause, and to her, my life is intriguing.

  She briefly mentions a guy she met in Montreal and a job working at a bar, but that’s it. She’s never liked talking too much about herself. She had a lot of boyfriends in high school and when she was living in France, but she never told me the details, no matter how many times I tried to give her the fifth degree. She’s a psych major so I just assume her head is screwed on better than mine, at least I hope it is.

  Luc’s phone rings, taking me out of my daze. He picks it up and starts speaking in French. Ashley winks at me. Now I know what she’s up to. She’s planning on spying on his conversations, finding out the goods on him. How devious and brilliant of her.

  Luc drops us off at my apartment but doesn’t come in, saying he has some things to take care of at work. It gives Ashley and me some alone time to catch up. I mention Thanksgiving dinner to Luc, figuring he’ll act as a buffer between Mom and me. I think he may have misconstrued my intention as making strides in our relationship, though. I just figured that if I brought a guy home then the focus would be on him and not Ash and me. Besides Mom acts differently when strangers are around. When it’s just us, she can get a little snippy, or she can say what a wonderful mother she was when we were growing up and it elicits a bad reaction. It would simply prevent any quarrels that may arise over dinner, and she always gets the best catering around so at least Luc will enjoy his meal.

  Once he leaves, Ash’s face falls. “So what did he say on the phone?” I ask.

  “Something about having to transfer money through Cyprus. He was being vague. He also said he needs to be careful about backrooms because they’re getting hot,” she says, pacing back and forth.

  “I don’t know what backrooms mean, but his family has a technology company in France. They sent him here to open up North American accounts.” My little sister has some major trust issues, and I want to reassure her.

  “It sounds good, but the whole ‘backroom getting hot’ sounds sketchy. He looks rich, and he has his own driver so he must be doing well.”

  “Can you sit down? You’re making me nervous with all the pacing.”

  She looks at me like she didn’t realize she was pacing and takes a seat on the couch.

  “You know I don’t care about money. It’s the last thing on my mind,” I say.

  “What kind of backrooms are getting hot, though?” she mutters to herself.

  “Ash, are you sure you understood?”

  “Come on, I’m fluent. It sounds sketchy, Lex. I think you should keep your guard up.” She shakes her head and places her hand on my shoulder.

  “You mean more than it already is?” I laugh so hard that tears fall out of my eyes.

  “I guess you have a point. But you never know, Lex. Life happens and you could end up falling in love with the guy,” she says, not joining me in my laughter.

  I stop laughing and with all sincerity say, “Ash, you know I don’t do love. But Luc has been really good to me. Aren’t you proud of me for trying the relationship thing?”

  “What about Dylan?” she asks.

  I don’t know why she can’t let it go. Every once in a while she’ll bring him up. Maybe it’s because I can’t quite let him go. I roll my eyes. “Don’t start with that again. It’s been over for a long time.” I get up from the couch because I don’t want to talk about this.

  “How’s law school going?”

  “It’s going well. Lots of work, the usual.” I shrug, happy the subject of Dylan is closed for now.

  “Are you nervous about going home to Mom? It’s been a while.”

  “Yeah, I’m nervous. That’s why I told Luc to come along. She’ll be well-behaved around him.”

  “I guess.”

  “What is it, Ash?”

  “I don’t know. I don’t see the point of going home. So what if it’s a holiday? It doesn’t mean that we have to go home. My stomach is in knots whenever I’m there. I don’t miss Mom. Everything about her holds bad memories.”

  “I know what you’re saying. I also feel sick when I’m there, but I feel like she’s still our mom whether I like it or not. I tell myself she was ill and didn’t mean to do all those terrible things.”

  “You’re a good person, Lex. I don’t know how you do it. She’s never apologized to us for anything she did. Isn’t one of the steps i
n AA to make amends for all the wrongs she committed?”

  “Yeah, I’m not sure how that worked exactly because she really just ignored that aspect of the program. You know she has a problem admitting her faults to anyone. She was like that even before she became an alcoholic,” I explain. Even before Dad left they would fight and she would scream so loudly. When Dad told her to chill out, she would yell even louder. I remember sitting on her bed one night and asking her why she fought with him so much and she said because he wasn’t a nice guy. Even back then she wasn’t willing to admit her faults.

  “Yeah, you’re right,” Ash says, her voice resigned.

  “Let’s just get this night over with and for the next holiday maybe we can plan something else.” I reach over and give Ash a hug.

  We talk for hours, and when I look at the time, it’s already five o’clock. Ashley kept probing me about the fact that I broke my rules for Luc, not understanding any of it. The truth is I don’t really understand myself. Luc swings by the apartment, dressed impeccably well in a pair of black dress pants and a black shirt. His clothes create this aura of power, darkness, and mystery around him. It must be the bad boy thing that attracted me to him in the first place.

  Luc brought the Escalade so we would all fit in comfortably, and luckily there’s no driver tonight because I wouldn’t want to hear my mom’s obnoxious reaction when she realizes that Luc has money. One of my father’s main complaints when they were married was that Mom was a gold digger. When she sees someone rich, she gets excited. We drive out to the suburbs where Mom lives in our old house. Luc gives me control of the radio, and I play some good music for the ride, turning up the volume so high that I can’t think too much. There’s very little traffic because of the holiday and we arrive at Mom’s house faster than I expected.

  My voice shakes a bit when I say, “Luc, my mom likes to ask a lot of questions and put up appearances so if she says anything weird, just brush it off.”

  I’ve never brought a guy home before. I’ve never brought anyone home before. Dylan came over to play when we were younger, but that was before my parents divorced.

  “Don’t worry. I can handle your mother.”

  I take him at his word.

  We pass the Priestley’s driveway and I can’t help think of Dylan, wondering if he’ll be home. His family celebrates both the Canadian and American Thanksgivings because his mom is American; his dad, Canadian. When we pull up to the house, old memories come flooding back and my stomach turns.

  Now I remember why I don’t like to come home. I actually hate coming home, even for holidays. I take Ashley’s hand and squeeze, and we walk toward the front door. Mom opens the front door all smiles, hugging and kissing us. Her beautiful blond hair is pinned up perfectly, make-up all done, and she looks like a million dollars. She’s an attractive woman. Tall and thin with the same Barbie-like features as Ash and me. Luc’s a real charmer, giving her all kinds of nice compliments about how young she looks. Needless to say, he knows how to win a lady over.

  Mom directs us into the dining room where she has a lavish Thanksgiving dinner catered. She doesn’t know how to cook nor did she ever want to learn. But the table’s beautifully set with red and white linens, long-stemmed crystal glasses, and white porcelain dishes. She’s a very good host. Daniel’s by her side, hanging on to her waist and laughing at all her jokes. We sit down for dinner. Mom hired some ladies to serve so she can sit and spend time with us. You would never know by her demeanor the hell that Ash and I lived through.

  My nerves are always so bad in the house, and it’s hard for me to swallow the food because I feel like my throat is constricting. The food looks good so it’s a shame I can’t eat it. She passes me the turkey, insisting that I try it so I place a sliver on my plate with a little of the stuffing. I then put a generous amount on Luc’s plate, and he gives me a look like I’ve given him too much. But he’s a big guy; he needs his sustenance. I take a small bite of the turkey when Mom begins telling us about the Priestley kids and what they’re up to. Suddenly the turkey feels like cardboard, and I can barely chew it.

  “You know, Alexis, Dylan is an MD now. He’s so smart. He’s working on his first year of residency and he’s going to specialize.” She says this proudly as if speaking of her own son.

  “That’s great, Mom.” I notice Luc searching my features as to why Mom is telling me about another guy. I behave as if it’s nothing.

  “Alexis, why aren’t you eating? Is it not to your standards?” she chides me. She’s being ridiculous. I lived on mac and cheese for ages. I also don’t like her being snappy in front of Luc.

  “It’s fine, Mom. You know what? I need to get some air.” Right away Luc stands up to come with me, but I place my arm on his shoulder, telling him I’m okay. He should finish his meal. At least one of us should enjoy the food. I notice Ashley only picking at her food.

  Sitting on the porch brings back the bad and good memories. It’s where I came to breathe after being assaulted by my mom. It’s where Dylan found out the truth about my life. I look up and Dylan’s standing in front of me, holding a basketball. It’s like déjà vu, only we’re a lot older now.

  “Hey, Lex.”

  I’m stunned into silence. But quickly the familiar anger fills up my insides.

  “I was just with Matt. He’s home for the holiday, too, and we were shooting some hoops like we used to in the old days.”

  Is he for real? How can he stand there and act as if nothing’s happened? Like no time has passed since we last saw each other.

  “So how long are you home for?” he asks.

  I finally speak, but my response is cold.

  “Just a couple hours. We came for dinner, but we’re not staying,” I mutter, barely looking at him.

  “You still don’t like to be in there, do you?” he asks. One side of his lip is quirked up, and I can’t look at him or I may melt. That cannot happen.

  “No, I don’t. I can’t even swallow the food.” I’m glaring at him now, hoping he’ll take the hint and leave me alone. He stands silently, staring at me. I can see he’s deep in thought, like he has a lot to say but doesn’t know where to begin. It’s understandable. Where do you start when you completely hurt and then block the person you’re supposed to love out of your life? He looks defeated. I want to get up and give him a piece of my mind, but I don’t want to cause a scene in front of Luc.

  “Okay, well, I’m going to head back in,” I say, tamping down the fire that rages through my body.

  “Yeah, sure. It was good seeing you, Lex.”

  I don’t reply. I just walk into the house. By the time I head back inside they’ve started dessert. Thank goodness because I want to get out of here already. As we’re about to leave I get a text message from my old friend Emily.

  Hey Lex, I heard you were back in town. A bunch of us are meeting at the lake later for a bonfire. It would be great to see you and Ash too if she’s home.

  Emily is one of the sweetest girls I know, and it’s hard to say no to her. She’s always gone out of her way for me.

  I wait for Luc to finish his dessert while Daniel tells one of his jokes. They really aren’t that funny, but Mom is throwing her head back laughing and touching her chest like she can’t take it anymore.

  As Luc puts the last bite of crème brûlée into his mouth I mention the text.

  I can tell by Luc’s expression that he isn’t interested; maybe he’s too old for that sort of thing. Ashley is excited to go and Luc agrees.

  “Alexis, you want to leave already?” Mom asks, in a high pitched but pleasant tone.

  “Yeah, Mom. Dinner was great, but a lot of people are in town, and it would be great to catch up.”

  She looks over to Daniel, eyeing him in a way that suggests that she knows we want to leave already. He nods and rubs her back, consoling her. It’s actually ridiculous because she is not the victim here.

  I text Emily back.

  Me: Sounds great! Looking forward
to seeing everyone. Ash is too!

  Emily: Yay!!

  That’s signature Emily. She had this squeal every time she was excited. It feels good to be in touch with old friends again. Then I’m struck with the thought that Dylan may be there, too, and I’m not sure if I’m ready for him. I may never be.

  Chapter 18

  Mind Over Heart

  Mom gave us permission to borrow her car, and I’m glad. I didn’t want everyone staring at us funny if we showed up in the black Escalade. It looks like a government car that has bulletproof glass. Even though I don’t think it’s actually bulletproof. It’s going to be cold so Mom lends us her sweaters, and even the familiar smell of her strong perfume wafting from the neck bothers me, but I try not to let it get me down. It’s been a long time since we’ve seen our friends, and I don’t want my mom ruining my mood.

  Everyone went off in different directions after high school. Emily went to UCLA to study fashion. She wants to try to live in LA and become a designer. Matt went off to college in Chicago, where he’s attending a school of dentistry. The other friends are also scattered in different universities and colleges in Canada and the States.

  The lake looks exactly the same. Nothing has changed in the past seven years, except for me. There’s a line of cars parked along the dirt road like back in the day. There must be more friends at home visiting than I originally thought. A specific black Mercedes catches my eye and my heart sinks. It belongs to Dylan’s dad. Once I park, we follow the light along the dirt road to where the bonfire is. The cool air brushes my skin as we walk, so I get close to the fire to warm up. There are cases of beer piled up around the bonfire. My pulse races and my hands are clammy knowing that Dylan is here. I hope that I have a chance to down a few beers before I see him again. Emily and I spot each other at the same time, and she squeals loudly, running toward us.

  “Alexis, look at you all grown up! I’m so glad you came, and you too, Ash. You look amazing,” Emily says in a sweet and welcoming voice. She looks great, too.