Bitter Sweet Love

by R. C. Stephens

  Jake propped himself above me again. And this time when he entered, it was smoother. I inhaled a deep breath, bracing myself for the moment when I would be torn open, not by Dylan like I always imagined, but by a stranger I had just met. I wondered what Dylan would think of this scenario. It didn’t matter. Dylan didn’t matter. I was never good enough for him and tonight would prove it even more.

  Jake moved his hips up and down slowly at first, and it was uncomfortable, even a little painful, but after a few minutes I actually began to enjoy it. Jake picked up the pace, and I lay there, not moving much because I didn’t really know what to do. He stiffened, his movements becoming more jerked. When he was done, he removed the condom and fell on the bed beside me.

  “Fuck that was good.” He leaned over to give me a kiss on the cheek. A little shaky, I got up and began to get dressed. “What, don’t you want to stay the night?” he asked, looking a little bewildered.

  “No, I need to get going. Thank you for the nice time,” I replied nonchalantly, as if I didn’t just give up my virginity to him.

  Getting my stuff together, I walked back out to the party. It was all so surreal. I couldn’t believe I did that. It wasn’t what I expected. I felt strange, like I’d had an out-of-body experience. But I could do this. I could have sex and enjoy myself like the rest of the world. I could decide who, where, and when it stopped. No relying on a guy ever again. My needs came first. I called the shots. No guy would ever break my heart again because I would never let him.

  I searched for Anna amongst the sweaty, intoxicated bodies but couldn’t find her. I guessed she went off with that tall, blond guy.

  After that night Anna and I hit the frat parties and bars a lot. Sex became enjoyable and fun. There were a lot of hot guys to be had at the university. I controlled my destiny, and my emotions were kept locked away. It made things fun and liberating. Anna also started calling me Bandita because I was a bandit when it came to men. It was funny and cute and I got used to it. I never got Dylan out of my system, but sleeping with so many guys made me believe it was for the best because he would never want me again if he knew.

  I learned the hard way that things didn’t always go as planned.

  Chapter 24

  Forever Running from My Emotions

  End of November 2012

  Since making love in Dylan’s car, I’ve spent the whole month convincing myself that Dylan and I are simply not meant to be. His confession in the coffee shop that he thought I would hold off on getting serious with someone hit me hard. I tried to shove the hot car sex to the back of my mind, but I can’t. I dream about him constantly. I pray I haven’t moaned his name in my sleep because Luc and I now have regular sleepovers. He’d get seriously pissed.

  I couldn’t bring myself to touch Luc for a few weeks after the car sex because it didn’t seem right. I made up having my period and then told him that I was sick. I carried on the charade as long as I could. I even contemplated breaking up with him. It wouldn’t have helped me though because I’m determined to follow through with the relationship. Maybe to show myself that I can. When we did have sex after three weeks, it wasn’t the same as it was before. Dylan has ruined me again, and I need to figure out a way to get back to my old self, the one who doesn’t need Dylan Priestley in her life.

  The frigid temperatures and snow roll in. Christmas is only a few weeks away. I’ve been hitting the books hard, and exams are coming up in less than two weeks. I’ve been exhausted and completely out of sorts. Luc and I spend most of the time at my apartment because it’s close to school. I’m busy studying with no time to socialize, and Luc hasn’t complained. He’s been online a lot because of his business so we’re pretty much doing our own things.

  We’re sitting across from each other on the couches in my family room when Luc suggests, “How about we go away for Christmas?”

  “What do you mean? Like take a vacation?” I ask, taken a bit off guard.

  “Yeah, a vacation,” he says, like he mentioned going to the grocery store.

  “The last time I left the country I was a small child.” I don’t even have a passport.

  “Really? How is that possible?” His eyebrows draw together.

  “Mom never took us with her when she went. She only went with Daniel, and we always stayed behind.”

  “Well, then I have to take you on vacation. You said you don’t like going home anyway, so we might as well find somewhere warm.”

  “Sounds good, but where can we go?” I ask, trying to hide my excitement, so I don’t seem like an eager kid. But I’ve always dreamed of going on a beach vacation.

  “Why don’t you go to the travel agency at school, get some brochures, and we can decide,” Luc says as if it’s no big deal.

  “Wow! That sounds amazing.” Unable to contain my excitement anymore, I reach over and kiss him. It’s been eons since I’ve been on a plane. Then I realize something. “Actually Luc, I just realized I need to check with Ashley. I can’t leave her alone on Christmas.”

  “Sure, check and let me know.”

  I run to the kitchen to call Ash, and she picks up on the first ring.

  “Hey, Lex, what’s up?” she asks, sounding cheerful.

  “I was just wondering what your plans were for Christmas.”

  She’s quiet for so long that I wonder if the line got disconnected. “I, uh, was just going to call you, big sis. Remember that guy I told you about the last time I was in Toronto?” she asks.

  “Yes,” I reply.

  “Well, his name is Cole Samuels, and things are kind of getting serious between us. He asked if I could go home for Christmas with him to meet his family, but I’ll only go if you have somewhere to be,” she says, and I can hear her happiness through the phone.

  “I’m happy for you, Ash. Luc and I are planning a trip anyway, and I wanted to check that you had somewhere to go.”

  “Oh,” she pauses. “Are you sure you want to go away with him?” I thought she got over her doubts about Luc the last time we spoke and I assured her I was fine.

  “Ash, for real? He’s a good guy,” I reply, annoyed that she hasn’t let this drop yet.

  “Fine, but what about your conversation with Dylan on Thanksgiving? He still loves you, Lex. I could see it in his eyes.”

  I blow out some air and chuckle. “Don’t be ridiculous, Ash. He doesn’t love me. We just had a few loose ends that were never tied up. Now we’ve spoken and it’s over. For good.”

  Ash lets out a sigh. “Okay, Lex, maybe you’re right. Maybe you guys just needed closure.”

  “Yeah, that was it.” Ash doesn’t know that we hooked up after Thanksgiving, and I can’t tell her or else she‘ll never let it go. I tell her to stay in touch more often so I know how she’s doing and we hang up.

  I get off the phone, and my stomach churns. Ash is usually so intuitive, but I don’t know what she has against Luc.

  Luc’s busy working on his computer again, but I sit on his lap. “So it’s all set. I’ll bring home some brochures tomorrow, then we can decide where to go.” Luc snaps his laptop shut. Does he not want me to see what he’s doing? Ash’s suspicions clang in my mind, but I convince myself that she doesn’t have any substantial evidence, so I let the thought slide.

  Luc smiles and I go back to the couch where my textbooks wait for me. But I’m distracted now, thinking about all the different beaches around the world.

  That night when I’m getting ready to go to Mickey’s, Luc enters my room. I’m already dressed in my requisite slutty black tank top and standing in front of the mirror, fixing my hair. Luc comes up from behind, hugging me, and places his head on my shoulder. “You know you don’t need to work there anymore. I can take care of you.”

  My stomach sinks because it sounds like he wants to make things between us a lot more serious than they already are. I don’t know how to respond.

  “Come on, Alexis. I hate how all those guys stare at your breasts and flirt with you and how you flir
t with them,” he whines.

  “Luc, you know it’s only friendly flirting so I can make good tips. I like my job, and I like feeling independent. I don’t need you to support me. I appreciate the offer, but no. Besides I think it was my independent personality that attracted you to me in the first place.” I turn around and hurriedly kiss his cheek. I have to go so I won’t be late for my shift. And Anna and I have been so busy lately that the only time we have to bond is at work.

  Luc shrugs. “I guess.”

  Something’s going on with him. The strong, intense look is back in his eyes and he seems worried. I let it go, though, because I really am going to be late.

  ***

  I’m mixing drinks behind the bar when Anna knocks me in the hip.

  “Hey, long time no see,” I say.

  “I know. Sorry I haven’t been around lately, but I’ve been doing a lot of my studying at night in the library. By the time I get home, you’re in your room with Luc and I don’t want to bother you.”

  “You know you’re never a bother. I’m sorry if we‘re getting in your way.”

  “No, you’re totally not. Give me a break, Lex. It’s not like I don’t bring home random guys to the apartment. Besides I’m happy the relationship thing is working out for you.” She smiles.

  “Thanks.” I reach over and give her a hug.

  “Speaking of which, what are your plans for Christmas?” I ask.

  “You know, the usual. I’m going to head to Florida for a week, spend some time with Mom. She’s in a group home there now, probably very lonely. Besides I could use some sun,” she says, looking at her arms. Anna’s never spoken about it much, but I know her mom suffers from mental illness and was in and out of institutions when Anna was young.

  “Speaking of sun, Luc asked me to go away with him over Christmas, and since you and Ash both have plans, I think I’ll take him up on it.”

  “Where does he want to go?” she asks, wide-eyed.

  “He said it was up to me and that I should go to the travel agency and choose a place,” I say, giggling like a little girl.

  “Sounds dreamy. Like a princess love story, getting whisked away to your destination of choice.” She winks at me.

  “I was thinking of Hawaii. It looks like a tropical paradise, or at least in the movies it does.”

  The rest of the night at Mickey’s goes by as usual. I get hit on a lot, serve up the drinks, and make good tips. By the end of my shift I’m exhausted. When I get back to the apartment, I notice Luc left a note on the kitchen table.

  Mon cherie,

  I needed to run. Something came up with work, and it was important I take care of it tonight.

  I will see you tomorrow to discuss our travel plans.

  Luc

  The last few nights after we had sex, he’s snuggled into me, telling me how important I am to him. I’m not sure if he wants to say the “L” word. It’s definitely too soon. How can someone know after only a few months? I wouldn’t know what to do if he ever says it. I have fun with him, but I can’t offer more. I know he deserves better, but he’s persistent that he wants me the way I am.

  It’s nice getting into bed on my own. I need the space to think. Going on vacation with someone is serious. The constricting feeling in my chest returns, and I need a distraction so I pick up my e-reader. Of course I choose a love story. It makes me think about Dylan in the coffee shop, about second chances. My mom got a second chance at life with Daniel, but she’s not a good example because she was so neglectful. I also can’t fathom having a second chance with Dylan because I know he deserves better than me and it wouldn’t be fair to hold him back. I don’t like how we left things. We had sex, and I ran away like I usually do. Even if he wanted to call me, he doesn’t have my number, although he could probably call Mother and she would give it to him. I need to stop thinking about him.

  In spite of my thoughts I get sucked into the story. The characters both have troubled backgrounds, incapable of love, yet they connect, and despite their histories, they fall in love and help each other overcome their demons. I’m given hope, but maybe I misunderstood the story, because I hope that one day I’ll love Luc the way I love Dylan. I wonder if I’ll ever stop running from my feelings or maybe this is me, forever running from my emotions.

  Chapter 25

  Silent Wishes

  The next day at school, I walk by a travel agency and pick up some brochures on Hawaii, Aruba, and Jamaica. Hawaii’s really my number one choice. I get back to the apartment, sit myself on the couch, and flip through the pages. I mark a few spots on Hawaii and leave it on the coffee table in the family room.

  Luc drops by a few hours later. “Hey, Alexis, you’re still studying? I don’t know how you do it. I could never study so much.”

  “I’m used to it, and I don’t have a choice. Exams are a week away.” I turn in my chair and look at him as he lies on the bed. “Besides you spend hours on your computer working so it’s kind of the same thing.”

  “Not really, I get paid.” He smirks.

  “Well, I’m doing this for my future.”

  “Yeah, that makes sense,” he says and rubs his hand across his forehead like his head is hurting.

  “Do you have a headache?” I cock my head to the side.

  “Yeah, it’s just stress. I have a lot going on.”

  I’m about to ask him what’s stressing him out when my door creaks open, and Anna leans on the frame, her backpack still on. “Geez, it’s so boring in here. We should get out. Have some fun.”

  “We have exams in less than a week. Are you crazy?” I roll my eyes at her.

  “No, that’s exactly my point. We need to let loose and relax and not let the stress get to us.”

  I look over to Luc and he nods in acceptance.

  “Okay, sounds like a plan. Let’s get ready.”

  We take showers and get dressed. I go over to Anna’s room to figure out what to wear. She gives me a fitted, royal blue dress that has a dip in the front and back and sits a little above mid-thigh, since Anna is shorter than me.

  “Are you nuts? I can’t wear this. Are you forgetting how large my breasts are?” I hold the dress up in the air, gaping at her.

  “No, actually, I think you’ll look fucking hot. Now stop complaining and go get dressed.” She pushes me out, and when I pass the family room to get ready, Luc is working on his laptop, rubbing his neck and rolling it around. I make a side note to ask him what’s going on when Anna’s not around. I’m also curious why he needs to be on a laptop twenty-four hours a day. I slip on the dress, diffuse my curly hair, put on a pair of black stilettos and pink lip gloss, and I’m ready.

  Luc stands up straight when he sees me.

  “You can’t wear that dress. I’m not going out with you in that dress. Let’s just stay home,” he says.

  “It doesn’t look good?” I ask, feeling wounded.

  “It looks fucking amazing, Alexis, but every guy will be looking at you, and I don’t like it,” he snaps.

  “Luc, don’t be an idiot. You know I’m only with you, right?”

  “I know. Now take that fucking thing off!” he yells, and I flinch.

  My insides begin to quiver, and he brings me back to one of Mom’s drunken rants. I want to tell him that what he just said is not okay. He shouldn’t be able to yell at me, but I cower, fighting the threat of tears which I refuse to shed.

  Then he adds, “Besides, all those fucking scars on your back are showing.” He barks it out, like he’s lost all patience.

  I’m so self-conscious about my scars. Over time I’ve slowly allowed myself not to feel ashamed by them. They are a part of my past, a part of who I was, and I was learning that I didn’t have to hide them. I didn’t wear such revealing clothes in the past because I was embarrassed. But Anna convinced me long ago that they didn’t matter, that no one really paid attention to them. I believed her, until now.

  Anna storms out of her room. “What the hell is going on out h
ere?” She’s a petite girl, but she gives Luc a venomous stare.

  “Nothing, Anna, it’s fine,” I say, tears welling. She grabs me by the arm and looks at me. I want to crumble. I can’t look into her eyes.

  “I’m fine,” I say, looking down. Back in my room I slump on my bed and convince myself to keep it together. I don’t want to go out with him. I want to dump him. But maybe he’s just stressed out; he said so himself earlier. He’s human and everyone has their moments, even though he was downright cruel mentioning my scars. I decide to give him another chance, and I put on one of the only two dresses I own. It’s black and fitted, closed at the back and sits longer than mid-thigh.

  I leave my room, and Luc is standing with a sweet smile on his face. “That’s beautiful, mon cherie. Much better.” I can’t help wondering what’s up with him and why he flipped on me like that.

  “Kay, Bandita, let’s head out.” Anna’s in a sexy red dress, and she takes me by the arm, escorting me out of the apartment.

  The car ride is quiet and uncomfortable with Anna staring daggers at Luc. We arrive at an alley, and I hesitate a little because it looks sketchy, not like a high end club. The front is deceiving, though, because when we walk inside the club, it’s modern, industrial, and chic. It costs a hundred and fifty bucks for the three of us, which is steep, but apparently there is a famous DJ tonight. The dance floor’s huge with LED light installations, an extravagant bar surrounding it, and large black couches off to the side. A lot of famous people frequent this place when they’re in town. At least that’s what Luc said when he saw my reluctance in the alley. A bouncer allows us entry into the VIP seating section and moments later a sexy waitress walks over to take our order.

  “A bottle of Grey Goose vodka, please?” He smiles at the sexy waitress. She takes the order and walks off, swaying her hips.