Bitter Sweet Love

by R. C. Stephens

  I place my hand on his shoulder. I don’t know him very well, but I feel the need to console him. “Nathan, that’s awful. I’m so sorry for your loss.” I wipe a tear away from my eye.

  “What was even worse was my parents’ reaction. They made her a big funeral and acted all upset, yet they knew what was going on and didn’t do anything to save her.”

  “I understand your anger toward your parents. I feel that way about my own father. He knew what was going on, but he did nothing to save my sister and me from the hell we lived through. He was too busy with his new family. I haven’t heard from him in over nine years now.”

  His head moves up and down. “After that I couldn’t look them in the face. I left home, went to university, got into law enforcement, and never looked back,” he says, with his hands stuffed in his front pockets again.

  “Nathan, I’m so sorry for your sister. That is a horrible thing to go through.” I reach up and give him a hug. I barely know him, but he just poured his soul to me because he thinks I’m in trouble with Luc.

  “Alexis, I hate telling that story, but I hope you were listening. Your boyfriend doesn’t behave right. Sometimes we don’t see the warning signs until it’s too late.”

  I silently consider his words, but I can’t believe it will come down to that with Luc. He just has a lot going on. I am sure this will boil over.

  “I appreciate your concern. I really do, but I’m a survivor, Nathan. I always have been. I’ll be okay.” Nathan squeezes my shoulder. “Look, if you ever need anything, this is my card. I have lots of connections with law enforcement in both Canada and the US. Stay in touch and call me if you need anything.” He pulls the card out of his pocket and places it in my hand. He gazes into my eyes, and it feels like he knows something that I don’t.

  “Thanks so much, Nathan. I will.”

  He walks me back to the hotel lobby, like a true gentleman, and continues down the beach.

  I’m not ready to go back up to the room so I sit on a bench in the lobby and look up at the stars. When I was a kid, I don’t remember any warning signs when Mom first started drinking. It took time to learn her patterns and when she would lash out. I think Nathan’s wrong about Luc. Luc has been good to me until now and every relationship has its ups and downs. But I do wonder when a person draws the line between an acceptable disagreement and actual abuse?

  Luc saved me from Kyle and he punched out Nathan, not me. It’s not right that he did it and he has no right to be jealous but… I’m not sure what the ‘but’ should be. Am I so desensitized that I can’t see a healthy relationship as opposed to an unhealthy one? I don’t have the answers. I slide back into the hotel suite quietly. Luc is sleeping, and I’m careful not to wake him up. I slip on a nightie and crawl into bed beside him. I slowly allow myself to drift off to sleep. My mind carrying me to a safe and peaceful place.

  Chapter 30

  Crash and Burn

  “My fucking head is killing me.” Luc wakes up, clutching the sides of his head.

  Hangovers are never fun. I rifle through a little travel pack I brought along and find some Tylenol. “Here, take a glass of water and swallow this. It will help with your head.” I put out my hand to offer him the medicine.

  “Thanks, mon cherie.”

  “Why did you drink so much last night anyway? I’ve never seen you that drunk before.” I hope he doesn’t get upset by the question, but I need to know.

  “I know. I’m sorry. I’m having some trouble with work, and it’s getting to me. I have to take care of a few things then everything will ease up,” he says, his voice resigned and heavy.

  “Is it something you want to talk about?”

  “Not really. I’m hoping everything will just get fixed.”

  “Do you want to head downstairs with me? We could grab some breakfast and hang out on the beach. It was lonely yesterday without you, and I thought we could try some surfing.”

  “I hope this Tylenol works for my head, but, yes, that sounds good.” He gives me a little grin, and I feel like he’s back to himself again.

  We head down to the lobby holding hands. My stomach is grumbling, and we walk over to the restaurant, which has a veranda at the back with a lot of tables outside so we can watch the ocean as we eat. The hostess seats us, and I feel calmer the minute we sit down. I never knew that listening to the ocean could be so relaxing. The waiter brings over two cups and pours us some coffee. When I bring the coffee up to my nose, I get the same sick feeling I had yesterday. I don’t have time to say anything.

  I run into the restaurant, searching quickly for the nearest ladies’ room because the vomit is sitting in the back of my throat. I spot the washroom sign, and I can’t make it there soon enough. I smack the washroom door open and fly into the first stall, falling to my knees. I vomit and vomit until both my throat and chest are aching. Finally, it’s over, and after I splash some cold water on my face, I look in the mirror and notice how pale I look.

  When I get back to our table, Luc is holding his head again and looking down at the floor. He seems totally stressed out.

  “What the fuck was that, Alexis?” He lifts his head.

  “I don’t know. I’m not feeling well again. I just threw up and my throat has this acid feeling,” I say, feeling my insides burn.

  “I think I should take you to a doctor.”

  I shake my head. “I don’t think it’s necessary.”

  “I do. Let’s go.” He takes me by the hand, guiding me to the front desk, and asks where the nearest medical clinic is. In the cab he looks worried, and I’m not sure if it’s about me or work.

  We arrive at the clinic where a neon side reads “Urgent Care Clinic.” I don’t really think I need a doctor. I probably just picked up some stomach bug. The nurse calls me into a waiting room and asks me a bunch of questions about my symptoms. Then she gives me a cup, instructing me to pee in it, and says the doctor will be with me shortly.

  I walk off to the washroom around the corner. Luc stays seated on a chair beside the bed. He looks as confused as I feel. When I get back, the doctor’s in the examination room.

  “What brings you in today, Alexis?”

  I explain my sudden vomiting, and he takes my temperature, declaring it normal. Then he asks me to lie down and feels my stomach. Luc is sitting on a chair, watching me carefully. The doctor looks between me and him, and I think he guesses he’s not my husband.

  “Alexis, I would like a word alone with you,” the doctor says.

  Luc stands up, giving the doctor a dirty look. “Do you want me to leave, Alexis?” he asks.

  “I guess. It’s what the doctor wants,” I reply, and he walks out, visibly irritated.

  “So, Alexis, are you using any birth control?”

  My eyebrows bunch together and I hunch over a bit. “Yes, I’ve been on the Pill since I started university almost seven years ago.” I bite my lip, worried about the doctor’s line of questioning.

  “Do you use any other methods of birth control?”

  The questions surprises me even more. What does that have to do with my stomach bug?

  “Well, I always used condoms, but I’ve been with my boyfriend for a while now and we’re monogamous so we stopped using them.”

  A nurse pokes her head through the privacy sheet and passes the doctor a piece of paper.

  “I see.” The doctor nods.

  My heart speeds up a bit, unsure of what “I see” is code for.

  I’m turning twenty-five in a few weeks, but I notice that the doctor is being cautious with me, weighing his next words as if I’m younger.

  “You’re pregnant,” he says.

  I’m not sure I’ve heard him correctly. My vision is blurred and I’m lightheaded. My heart slaps in my chest and I think I may faint.

  “No, really, doctor, that’s not funny. What’s wrong with me?”

  The doctor’s silent for a few seconds, and it feels like years. The room is spinning, and I wish he would say s
omething.

  “I understand from your response that this wasn’t planned, but you are pregnant. And the fact that it shows up in your urine tells me that you may be a few weeks along already, if not more. When was your last menstrual cycle?”

  “I need to lie down. I think I’m going to faint,” I gasp between ragged breaths.

  “Just lie back, Alexis. You’re having a panic attack so try to breathe slowly. Would you like some water?”

  I nod. My mouth feels like sandpaper, and the room is still spinning when the doctor leaves and the nurse walks in to bring me water. She helps me sit up.

  “Slow sips, dear. You’re okay. Try to relax.”

  I listen, sipping the water. It slides down my throat, removing the rough, papery feel. How can I relax? I’m pretty sure the doctor just told me I’m pregnant. This is a disaster. The nurse takes the cup of water, and the doctor walks back into the room. I sit with my legs hanging off the examination bed, gripping the edge so tightly that my fingers lose color.

  “Are you better now?” the doctor asks.

  “Not really. I don’t know what to do. I wasn’t expecting this at all. I would make a horrible mother. I never wanted kids,” I blurt out in panic.

  The doctor gives me a sympathetic look. “What makes you say that?”

  “My mom, she was abusive growing up, and I made a promise to myself I would never have kids.” Tears well in my eyes.

  “Just because your mother was abusive doesn’t mean you will be. I’ve seen many cases of abused children growing up to be good parents.” He smiles and it touches his eyes. He looks like a kind man. I want to believe him.

  “When was the first day of your last period? I need to write it for our records.”

  I try to think when my last period was, but I don’t remember. I was so busy with school and life that I didn’t always pay attention. Now that I think about it, it’s been a really long time, like before Thanksgiving. Shit, shit, fuck, I’m so screwed right now.

  “I can send you for an ultrasound and some blood work for confirmation, but the urine doesn’t lie.” “Please, I would like an ultrasound,” I say in between tears. I need to know how far along I am.

  “Sure, no problem,” he says gently. “Follow the nurse this way, and she’ll prep you.”

  The nurse gives me a blue gown and asks me to leave it open at the back. Luc is out in the waiting room, and I don’t want to call him over. The doctor was right to ask him to leave. I want to call Anna and talk to her. She’s the only one I can speak to right now. I’m shaking so bad, but I convince myself to hold it together. I can’t fall apart in here.

  I’m not even sure whose baby I’m carrying.

  The doctor calls me into the room and asks me to lie down on the bed. “We have to conduct an internal exam first. I will be placing this inside you,” he explains, holding out what looks like a large wand, “because you’re probably early on, and this is the only way to check for a heartbeat.”

  When he says “heartbeat,” it all becomes very real.

  “Alexis, that’s your baby right there.” The doctor points to a little peanut on the screen. “This is the heartbeat.”

  My own heart sinks.

  “According to the size of the baby, you are two months and two weeks pregnant. I’m a little surprised that you didn’t feel any symptoms earlier, but I guess you’re one of the lucky ones.” The doctor chuckles. I wish I could join in his amusement.

  I’m dazed. My life is crashing down before me. I try to calculate what two months and two weeks means. I pull out my phone and look at the calendar. Thanksgiving weekend. The weekend Dylan and I made love in his car. The rest of the week I didn’t let Luc touch me. I evaded having sex with him for a few weeks come to think of it. Does it mean that this is Dylan’s baby? We had unprotected sex, but I was on the Pill.

  “Doctor, I have a question,” I start nervously. “How can I be pregnant if I’m on the Pill?”

  He smiles gently. “It’s rare, but there is a one-to-two percent chance of conception. You just happen to fall into that category.”

  It seems to be a pattern in my life. If there’s a small chance of something happening, leave it up to fate that it’ll happen to me. I don’t know what to do with this information and Luc is waiting outside the doors to find out what’s wrong with me. I can’t tell him the truth. Not about Dylan or the baby. I’m not sure exactly how the conception part works anyway. I slept with Luc a few days before Thanksgiving but not after. My mind is a chaotic mess. Nothing makes sense. I don’t know if Luc would make a good father or if he ever considered becoming one. We are definitely not at that point of our relationship. I tell myself to push the thoughts aside and just act normal until I can come up with a solution that makes sense.

  Straightening out my shoulders and taking a deep breath, I walk back into the waiting room.

  When Luc sees me, he jumps up from his chair. “What’s going on?”

  “Just a stomach bug. Everything’s fine.” I can’t look him in the eye. The thought of lying makes my heart race, but it’s not a complete untruth. I really don’t know anything about pregnancy. I’ve heard that pregnant women vomit, but I know nothing else. The cab ride back to the hotel is quiet, both of us deep in thought.

  Crash and burn.

  Chapter 31

  Need

  “Luc, I’m going to check out that market down the street. I’ll catch up with you soon.”

  “Are you sure you are feeling up to it?” he asks with a concerned tone.

  “Yeah, I just need the fresh air and maybe I can get a gift for Anna and Ash.”

  He considers my words and gives me a peck on the cheek.

  I watch as he enters the hotel lobby, and when he’s out of sight, I take a big gasp of air. I need to talk to Anna. The call will cost a fortune with all of the roaming charges, but my sanity is more important.

  “Alexis, holy shit! Why are you calling me? Did that asshole do something to you?”

  “It’s nothing like that.” Suddenly my words are swallowed by uncontrollable sobs. I can barely breathe. If I tell Anna, it will be real.

  “Lexi, you’re really scaring me. Please say something.”

  “I, I, I’m pregnant.” The phone goes silent and I’m not sure if I lost the call. Then I start laughing hysterically. I feel like a mad woman, crying and laughing at the same time.

  “Lexi, everything will be okay. I’m here for you. Talk to me, Bandita.”

  The words come out choppy. “I.. was… feeling sick… vomiting every morning… since we arrived so Luc took me to a medical clinic and they told me that I was… two months and two weeks pregnant. I saw the little peanut in my stomach. It has a heartbeat and everything.” I choke down a sob. People pass me by on the street, shopping and chatting. I’m in the center, my world shattering.

  “Holy shit, this is for real?” Anna goes silent again. “Holy fuck, I just checked the calendar, Lex.” I hear a thump in the background and a yelp.

  “Are you okay?” I ask.

  “Yeah, I just fell off a bar stool and hurt my butt. I’m at the pool,” she says with a muffled voice, and I can picture her pouting and rubbing her behind.

  “It’s Dylan’s baby. Holy fuck, holy fuck!” she yells, and I’m grateful she’s in Florida and not standing beside me.

  I shake my head back and forth. “It’s not for sure. I don’t know how the calculations work.”

  “It totally is, and you know it. After that weekend you were running away from Luc, giving him every excuse in the book.”

  “I know. It’s just Dylan and I can never be and this proves it. Look how irresponsible I am! I don’t think. How could I sleep with him?” I cry into the phone.

  “You love him, Lex. He clearly loves you. It’s perfect,” she responds.

  “It’s a disaster waiting to happen. He’s perfect from a perfect family. I’m the beaten trash from next door. I can’t be anything to anyone. If Dylan ever found out how many guys
I slept with in undergrad, he’d be disgusted. He would run in the opposite direction,” I say, allowing my internal struggles to pour out of me like venomous liquid.

  “You aren’t going to tell him, are you?”

  “Of course not. I have no choice. You need to keep this secret for me, Anna,” I plead.

  “My lips are sealed, sister. You know how good I am at keeping secrets. They get locked up deep inside me.”

  “Thanks.” I sniff. “I’m grateful to have you as my friend.”

  “I’m grateful for you, too. I’m going to help you through this, Lex. We can do it together.”

  “That’s sweet of you, Anna, but I created the problem. I know what I need to do.”

  “Wait, Lex, what do you mean?”

  I push the end button. She may not understand, but it’s the only thing that makes sense.

  ***

  I just want to enjoy the rest of my vacation. My stomach is completely flat so no one can tell there’s a baby growing in there. When I think the word “baby,” it doesn’t seem real. I’m touching my stomach as I’m walking back. “Hello, peanut. I’m your mother.” It sounds strange to say.

  The doctor printed out a picture when the ultrasound was over, and I felt a connection. Maybe it’s love, I don’t know. I know I can never have an abortion; it’s not for me. It’s my responsibility and I always follow through. I hope and pray that I’ll do better than my own parents.

  Back in the suite I gather myself and behave like everything is okay. Luc is on the computer again. I need to break up with him. It’s the only right thing to do. I told him from the start that I don’t do commitment, and he took me up on a challenge that I never intended to set out for him. Somehow I did commit to him, but he needs to understand that it can’t go on forever.

  “Luc, we really need to talk,” I say, wiping sweat from my hands onto my dress.

  He looks up from the computer, and I’m not sure if he’s concerned or irritated that I’ve interrupted him. “What is it? Are you feeling better?”