Bitter Sweet Love

by R. C. Stephens

  With five days left in Kauai, Luc arranges for a beach front ceremony to take place in two days. My mind continues in its haze as I try to wrap myself around the idea that I’m actually getting married. It all feels so wrong and right at the same time. I don’t love Luc. But I also know I’m not good enough for the only person I ever loved. I’m settling on second best, but given my circumstances, I think it’s the best I can do.

  I’m having a baby despite Luc’s temper issues and his abusive father, which is something I can’t hold against him. He comes from a close knit family. I think it will be good for the baby, and I’m sure he won’t want to repeat his father’s mistakes. He’s better than that. His temper has clearly dissipated and now that he knows I’m pregnant I’m sure he’ll keep his temper under check. If he can’t, we can always get him some help. Even my mom managed to get better.

  Despite my busy days I am plagued with nausea and dizziness, a reminder of why I agreed to this marriage in the first place. When feelings of insecurity and unease pop up, I reassure myself that I’m doing this for my baby and that I need to put on the happy face that Luc expects.

  The day of our nuptials, Luc arranges to send me to a local bridal salon where I choose a simple white dress. Trying on the dress saddens me. I think of calling Dylan and begging him to whisk me away. But I know things would fall apart in the long run. He was always my knight in armor, patching up broken Alexis every time Mother got a piece of me. I’m not that weak, scared girl anymore who stands around taking crap. I’ve been standing on my own two feet for the past seven years without him. I know I was down on myself for the endless hookups before I met Luc, but I’ve clearly changed and proven that I can commit.

  Dylan would never be as accepting as Luc. Luc knew about my commitment issues and the hookups, and he still wanted me. Dylan would be disgusted. He always stopped any guy who came near me from touching me when we were younger, wanting to always keep my virtue intact. The notion of a pure Alexis no longer exists. I’m tainted now, and Luc gets that. Both abused children searching for happiness amidst the chaos of life.

  With a dress in tow, I take a cab back to our hotel. I get out at the front lobby and take a deep breath, readying myself to transform into a bride. While getting my hair and makeup done in the hotel salon, I hear, “Hey there, Bandita.”

  I must be completely delusional.

  “I’m not a mirage, Lex. It’s me. Luc called me up two days ago and sent a plane ticket. He wanted it to be a surprise.”

  I jump up, earning a glare from the makeup artist, and run to Anna, throwing my arms around her neck. I don’t think I’ve ever been this excited to see her. “I’m so happy you’re here!”

  “I would never miss your big day even though I have to admit how surprised I was to hear from Luc that you two are getting married.” She looks at me carefully. “You should not be marrying him, Alexis White.” She points her finger at me. She looks furious.

  “Anna, please, I’ve made up my mind.”

  “Lexi, I’m here to stop you not support you.”

  “Shit, Anna, I need this. It’s the right thing to do.”

  “No, it’s not. You think you aren’t good enough for Dylan, but you are so wrong. You are perfect for him and fate is trying to show you that. With the present you’re carrying in your stomach.”

  It takes me a moment to process her words. Present in my stomach? She means the baby. Wow! Anna thinks the baby is a present? That’s a change. Although I kind of feel the same way. The baby has become a special part of me, and the fact that it’s Dylan’s makes me love it even more.

  “Anna, please,” I say with a resigned tone as I sit back down so the make-up artist can continue her work.

  “Lexi, honey, I’m here for you, and if you call, Ash she will help you through this, too. You need to come clean and tell Dylan before the wedding. It’s the right thing to do.” She sighs.

  Her words sit heavy on my heart. There’s the rational part of me that knows she’s right. But I could never call Dylan. I never have and I never will. He’s the one who took off for university and fell off the face of the planet for seven years. All that time I was filled with the secret hope that he would call, that he would find me on a visit home. But my hopes were dashed with a sour reality.

  “Please don’t make this hard for me, Anna. I feel like I’ve made the right decision, and as my best friend, actually sister, I ask that you respect my decision. It’s what I need.”

  Anna holds her hand up to her heart. “Sister?” Her eyes water, and I reach over to hug her. We’ve definitely come a long way from first year undergrad.

  “Please, Anna.”

  “Okay,” she whispers. “But you do know there are other options, right?”

  “If you’re talking about abortions, I could never go through with it. I’ve bonded with my peanut.”

  “Excuse me, your what?” Anna asks, blinking.

  I smile. “My peanut. It’s what I call the baby because it looked like it was the shape of a peanut when I

  went for the ultrasound. Besides, it sounds kind of cute, and I couldn’t call it cashew because that would just be weird.” Anna and I laugh, and I feel like I have her support.

  “Did you come with Callen?” I wonder, looking past her. It would only make sense since they’ve been sleeping together and he’s Luc’s cousin.

  “No, I haven’t seen him since we hooked up in the library. He was good in bed, but we have nothing in common. Besides he’s two years younger and too immature for me,” Anna explains, shrugging it off like she doesn’t care.

  “I hear you,” I say, not wanting to press the issue just in case it’s a sensitive spot for her.

  Anna and I spend the rest of the day together. My unease lifts slightly, knowing I have her support, but I can’t get Dylan off my mind. He’s always been my sensitive spot.

  Chapter 34

  I Need to Make the Best of It

  Luc got us another suite in the hotel so I could get ready. He didn’t want to see me before the wedding because it’s considered bad luck in France, too. Besides Anna needed a room to sleep in. I slip on the white fitted gown that flows down to the floor, and as the soft fabric brushes my skin, I know I should feel at peace with my decision. All I feel, though, is confused. Ash should be here.

  I gasp when I look in the mirror. I can’t believe I’m a bride.

  “Wow, Lex, you look breathtaking. It’s as if you suddenly grew up,” Anna says, holding both hands to her cheeks.

  The last few nights while I was lying in bed, I realized that we can’t take life for granted. The last number of years my life was based on carefree choices and doing anything to ease my pain over the loss of Dylan. Now I’m pregnant and getting married to a man who is doing the honorable thing. I never believed in fairytale endings, but deep down I know I don’t love him. He makes me feel secure, and I want to feel protected. I think Luc will be a stable father and give us a good life. My nerves are as calm as the lake back home with no sign of a wave in sight.

  “I know what you mean. Life is really unexpected, huh? Three months ago I was working at Mickey’s, messing around with all kinds of guys and not wanting any type of commitment, and now I’m literally barefoot and pregnant.” Luc and I decided that we wanted to walk down the aisle with the feel of the sand between our toes.

  “Very funny,” she says, tilting her head to the side. Her eyes are slightly wet. She glances at her phone.

  “Okay, it’s time, Lex. We’d better get you to the ceremony, even though you know you don’t have to do this. You can back out now.”

  I place my hand on her shoulder. “It’s okay, friend. It’s for the best, and it’s what I want.” I’m not sure she’s convinced, but she guides me through the lobby. I notice a little girl whisper in her mother’s ear and they both smile at me.

  The hotel set up a beautiful canopy adorned in tropical flowers right on the beach. A long white aisle leads down to the canopy, and Luc stands at
the end, wearing white pants and a white button down shirt that hangs loosely. The outfit looks hot against his tanned skin. Anna stands on the other side of the canopy, holding a bouquet of flowers. My bouquet is a mix of red roses, pink roses, white orchids, and yellow buttercup flowers.

  I walk toward Luc and see the happiness in his eyes. I place one foot in front of the other, slowly nearing my destination. I try to regulate my breathing because I would love to break down and hyperventilate, but it’s not an option right now. My earlier calm is gone, but I plaster a smile across my face like I have done so many times before. I look directly into those intense, green eyes and remember what drew me to them in the first place. He saved you, and he’s been saving you ever since. You wanted protection? You have it.

  My walk ends and I pause in front of Luc. My heart is beating so fast I can hear it in my ears. The minister gives a sermon on the beautiful bond of marriage. I don’t want to hear anything he has to say and my pounding heart is a reprieve from his words.

  “Do you, Alexis, take Luc to be your lawful wedded husband?” the minister asks, smiling at me. I’m initially silent. Luc takes my hand in his. Shit! My hand is clammy and sweaty. Will he realize what I’m really feeling? I look into his eyes and I’m overcome with loss. The tears flow out of me uncontrollably.

  “Don’t cry, beautiful Alexis. I will make you happy,” Luc says, brushing a tear away from my cheek. He

  thinks they’re happy tears.

  I nod, not able to say a word.

  ***

  After the ceremony Luc takes my hand, guiding me to a small area in the restaurant that has been blocked off for our reception.

  “Congratulations, Bandita! Although I think I’ll need to find you a new name now, since you probably won’t be my partner in crime anymore.” Anna laughs and gives me a tight hug.

  “Thanks, Anna.”

  “What’s with the tears? Let’s party!” she screams. Then she leans over to give Luc a kiss and congratulates him, too.

  “Come, ladies, I will make a toast,” Luc says, raising a glass of champagne. He passes a glass to Anna and a glass to me. “To my beautiful wife who’s giving me a baby.” He smiles and clinks glasses with Anna. Then he downs the glass in one shot. I’m a little surprised, but he’s allowed to celebrate today.

  Some hotel guests clap their hands, and Luc pulls me into him and lays a wet, champagne-tasting kiss on my lips. The taste nauseates me. None of this is going as planned.

  The waiters serve our meal and the three of us sit quietly and eat. I actually eat my first and second courses, which are salad and pasta. But when the main course of duck is served, I look at my plate and run to the restroom stall I frequented the last time we were in this restaurant. On my knees throwing up over the toilet, I finally break down.

  After the tears have subsided, and I can cry no more, I suck down all my emotion and put up the wall I am so familiar with. I can’t go back looking like such a disaster. Then I take a piece of paper towel and fix my smudged eyeliner because it wasn’t waterproof enough for the torrent I just released.

  After our small reception ends, and Anna says she’s going to find a local club, Luc carries me up to our suite. I feel bad leaving her on her own, but I know it’s my wedding night so I can’t exactly tell Luc I’ll catch up with him later. The truth is I wanted to invite Nathan to the wedding because he’s such a good guy and I thought he could be a good date for Anna. But considering what happened on the beach when Luc punched him out, I didn’t.

  ***

  We’re back in Toronto and I’m trying not to think about the wedding or how I felt after it was over. I allowed myself a brief respite in our hotel bathroom to sink to the floor and drown myself in my thoughts. I hoped that the wedding would make me feel happy, make me feel whole, but I was an empty shell. The only thing that gave me some joy was the thought of my little baby inside my belly.

  Life is full of ironies I don’t understand. Luc seemed happy when I exited the bathroom in a little white nightie I bought in town. Luc gasped at the sight of me, and we made love the whole evening. It felt okay, and I tried to be okay with him. But I had a sinking feeling in my stomach.

  His father called him after the ceremony, and even though he was speaking in French I sensed by the sound of his voice that something was wrong. His face got really red, and I saw a vein pulsating in his thick neck. It had to be serious for him to have that kind of reaction.

  The last two days in Kauai were a lot of fun. It was nice having Anna there with us. Although it seemed like something was bothering her and she wouldn’t say what. She pretended to act all cheery, but I could see right through her. She mentioned meeting a guy named Nathan on the boardwalk, and I thought it was such a crazy coincidence. She said they walked along the beach together and had drinks at the hotel bar, but when she hit on him, he backed away. I can’t imagine anyone ever backing away from her, but who knows what people are thinking.

  We flew out of Kauai together. Luc was being super sweet and taking really good care of me. He seemed excited about the baby and that was important to me. On the plane ride we decided that I should move in with him. His condo is amazing and close to the university, and I would also be close to Anna. Anna took it kind of hard. She’ll need to find a new roommate to help with the rent and she would miss my presence immensely, but Luc said he would pay my share until she did and I promised to stop by for regular visits. This is my life now and I need to make the best of it.

  And I need to find out more about my husband and the problems he’s facing.

  Chapter 35

  A Married Woman Now

  Dylan

  I hung around the house waiting for Christmas. I couldn’t ditch my family on Christmas although my mother had been eyeing me intently. I could tell my gloomy mood bothered her.

  A few days after Christmas, I walk past the kitchen and overhear my mom talking on the phone. “Merry Christmas to you, too, Rose… Dylan is in town, and we had our usual family dinner….no, we didn’t drive out to Mt. Tremblant. Riley went back to university the morning after Boxing Day. The kids are getting older, less time for us. You know how it is…oh….really…wow….okay, you have yourself a Happy New Year, Rose. Take care. Bye now.”

  I enter the kitchen and grab an apple out of the fruit bowl. My mother is looking at me cautiously. “So, Lexi went away for Christmas with that French boyfriend of hers. He took her to Hawaii.”

  I take a large bite out of my apple. Shit, how could she go away with him after I warned her?

  “Rose seems to think it’s serious between them,” Mom says, tilting her head to the side in an assessing kind of way. I think we both figured that Lex and I would end up together some day.

  “Hmm, good for her,” I respond, choking on my words. I don’t need to bring my mother down with me. “Mom, can you get Lexi’s cell number for me?” I ask, knowing full well that Mom gets my intention and she’s on board.

  “Definitely, honey. I’ll just call Rose back. We haven’t spoken in a while, but you know she always checks in around the holidays.” Mom reaches over the counter and picks up the phone. She quickly asks for Lexi’s number, and it seems like they’re agreeing on something, but I can’t make out what. After my mom hangs up, she passes me a piece of paper with Lexi’s cell number on it.

  I dart up the stairs, taking two steps at a time, and close my bedroom door behind me. I pull my cell out of my back pocket and send Lexi a text.

  Me: Are you okay?

  Lexi: Yes. I’m back in town.

  Me: Okay, I’m glad.

  Lexi: I’m married, Dylan. You need to back away now.

  What the fuck? I whip my phone to the floor and it smashes to pieces. I run my fingers through my hair, but I really feel like yanking it out. How the fuck could she run off and get married on a whim? I pace my room back and forth, but the walls are closing in on me. I quickly pack my bags. I need to get out of here.

  I give my mom a peck on the cheek and
say goodbye. She looks very confused, but I’m twenty-four years old, and I come and go as I please. I take the first flight out of Pearson airport to Boston. I can’t think straight so I order a couple whiskey on the rocks on the plane. It numbs my pain, but it doesn’t help me understand what happened. I thought I was getting through to her on some level. She takes off and goes with the asshole on a vacation and gets married? She’s so damn stubborn. Like nothing I’ve ever seen before. She loves me. I can see it in her eyes. She’s built up such a strong wall that she can’t even read her own emotions. It infuriates me.

  I land at Logan Airport and take a cab back to my apartment, where I find a bottle of whiskey I have tucked away. I throw back a shot, trying to burn through the pain in my chest. I lie back on my shitty couch and try to figure out what just happened. This is all my fucking fault. I should have made her listen to me, but she was drunk that night and I thought there would be more opportunities. I stand up and punch the wall, flinching when my knuckles make contact. I can’t believe I’ve actually lost her.

  I’m so jittery that I can’t sit still so I grab my keys and take a cab to the local bar. I make straight for the bartender, and immediately order a shot of whiskey. It’s gone quickly, and I motion to the guy behind the bar.

  “Hey, man, are you sure you want another one?” The bartender grins. He’s a young guy and he probably doesn’t want me passing out at the bar.

  “I’m good. Make it a double,” I mutter back. A very attractive older woman comes over, stopping next to me and pushes out her hip. She takes the seat beside me and dangles her pretty face close to mine.

  “Hi, I’m Dr. Emma Williams.” She extends her hand, and I notice her long, red fingernails. I nod, not extending my hand back. I’m really not in the mood. I’ve had enough meaningless fucks to know it doesn’t do anything to help. What I need right now is back in Canada and married.