Bitter Sweet Love

by R. C. Stephens

  “Yeah, sure, works for me.” My stomach lets out a loud grumble.

  He smiles, seeming a little more relaxed, probably from my reaction to the food. I hope I can get some information out of him when he’s eating. We sit at the long, white dining room table. The food is delicious. I should be nervous, but my hunger takes over and the food is all I can think about. The pregnancy has made me loopy.

  I swallow a mouthful of vegetable chow mein and say, “I didn’t want to bring this up, but I kind of noticed that since we were in Kauai, you’ve been getting drunk a lot. I couldn’t help smelling your breath when you got into bed late last night.”

  “Oh, I didn’t realize you were awake.”

  “I wasn’t. I must have woken up for a second when you got into bed and then fell back asleep.”

  “You don’t need to worry, Alexis. I know you had a bad time with your mother, but I have everything under control,” he says and forks more food into his mouth.

  I don’t want to dampen the mood, but his comment is so typical I feel the need to say something. “You know my mother said the same thing to me at the beginning.” I must have touched a nerve because he stops eating and stares at me.

  “Look, I have some problems with work. That’s all.” His tone is clipped, and my heart stops a little, unsure of where this might lead. But then he begins eating again.

  “If it’s just a small problem, it wouldn’t be causing you to get drunk every day,” I say, not sure why I’m pushing so hard.

  He raises his voice. “You’re right. It’s a big fucking problem and I’m freaking out. You’re pregnant, and I don’t want to burden you so leave it be.”

  I wasn’t expecting him to get angry and snap like that. And maybe I’m an idiot, but I press him again.

  “You know, last night when you were sleeping, you were tossing and turning a lot, and at one point you yelled out something about being locked up.”

  He stops eating, places his fork down, and glares at me, flaring his nostrils. I’ve gone too far. Shit! My mouth goes dry and I can barely swallow the food in my mouth.

  “Sorry, Luc, I don’t want to upset you. I just want to help you,” I say softly, trying to lighten the situation. But it doesn’t help. I’ve pissed him off, and he gets up from the table, jerking his chair backward, and strides to the kitchen toward a cabinet filled with alcohol. He grabs a bottle of whiskey, pours a large amount into a crystal glass, and throws it in his mouth, taking a big gulp. Then he does the same thing again. He places his hands on the counter, his head bowed down. He’s quiet and clearly pained.

  I don’t know what to do. The drinking scares me, but he looks like he wants to be consoled. I choose to continue eating my dinner while he drinks. My hands are sweaty, and the nausea returns.

  “Luc, why don’t you come sit down and finish your meal?”

  He sways back to the table, sits down, and eats. Suddenly his head snaps up, startling me even more. “I don’t like being locked up, Alexis. My father used to lock us up when we were kids and I get very claustrophobic. I panic, and I can’t see or think straight,” he says with a heavy voice.

  I don’t want to, but I feel sorry for him. “Where did he lock you up?” I ask gently.

  “I can’t get into it.”

  “Okay, I won’t push you. I know those things are hard to talk about.”

  He looks up at me now with a thankful look on his face.

  I take this calm moment to dig a little more. “The only thing I don’t understand is why you would fear being locked up now. You’re a grown man, and I’m sure your dad doesn’t have that kind of power over you anymore.”

  “My father is a cruel man and you have no idea. You shouldn’t be asking questions that you can’t handle the answers to.”

  Shit, I knew I was onto something. He’s drunk now so he’s talking more openly, but he’s right that I’m scared to take advantage of his lack of inhibition and find out the truth.

  “What’s going on Luc? Just tell me,” I say, not sure why I allow the words to leave my mouth.

  “You don’t want to know, Alexis, so just fuck off right now!” He gets up from the table and hits his

  plate. The food splatters on the floor, but he doesn’t care.

  “Luc, I’m your wife so fucking tell me already.”

  He grabs me hard by the shoulders, a wild look in his eyes. My heart is racing so fast that I think it may fly out of my chest. He picks up his hand like he wants to slap me. I feel it coming and I brace myself for the impact. Luc looks startled and releases me, and I let out the breath I was holding.

  “My father is the fucking Mafia, Alexis. He’s a fucking demon who locked me up in a cage. I’m scared of being locked up again because I have CSIS and Interpol breathing down my neck. I run illegal gambling sites and hold high stakes poker games. You think I make this kind of money from being some computer geek?” His laugh is deep and horsey.

  Then he stops and grips my arms again. “You want to run now, don’t you? Beautiful, smart Alexis fell for a loser like me. Why the fuck did you have to go and get yourself pregnant?”

  I’m speechless. I know quiet as a mouse is the best way to deal with an alcoholic because it doesn’t give them fuel. But I can’t seem to shut my mouth. “How deep into trouble are you, Luc? I’m almost a lawyer. Maybe I can help.” I’m hoping he’ll think I’m useful. I’m thinking of survival. “Let go of my arms, Luc. You’re holding me too tight.”

  His eyes narrow and he says, “I’ll let go, but you are going nowhere. I married you, and you are my wife now. You’re carrying my baby. You need to stay that way for a while, at least until court.” His threat ripples right through me, and my knees tremble. I try to speak, but I can’t so I nod. He releases his hands and I take a deep breath. For all those times I quietly took beatings from my mom, I’m making up for it now. I don’t know where the bravery is coming from, but it’s here, and I can’t back down.

  “Why didn’t you tell me all this before?” I snap back at him. He’s surprised, I think. I guess he thought I would walk away from him. He runs his fingers through his hair, nodding his head back and forth, and begins to laugh.

  “What’s so funny?” I ask.

  “This is why I never told you what I do. I knew you would go running.”

  I’ve gotten myself into bigger trouble than I ever could have imagined, and I want to crumple into a ball and cry.

  Then he hisses, “Besides you’re gorgeous and you were broken. I enjoyed the challenge, like you said. I don’t back down from challenges. I realized you’re different. You needed me and you still do, so sit the fuck down and enjoy the meal,” he says, pointing to the dining room chair.

  I don’t listen. “Why did you even want me if you knew I wouldn’t want you?” I spit at him.

  “Because I wanted to prove that I could land myself a nice, classy girl like you, not the same old sluts who hang around the family back home.” He runs his hands up and down my body. I’m not stupid. I know what will happen if I don’t keep my mouth shut. I’ve pushed him enough as it is. He’s right. I am broken, but I’ve learned the art of preservation, and I finally see that he’s a vulture like Mom. Unless I stay quiet, I may be in for something worse than his verbal lashings. So I sit down and finish my dinner.

  Luc is visibly nervous, but he eats his food and pours shot after shot of amber liquid. He sits across from me at the long table. “Look, Alexis, I don’t plan on going to jail. I’m going fucking crazy as it is so can you be a good wife and be a little understanding right now?” he asks. He’s so drunk, but his temper seems to have faded.

  “What do you care what I think anyway? It doesn’t sound like you ever loved me. It was all part of a plan,” I say carefully, not wanting to re-ignite his temper.

  He sighs. “I really do love you. I didn’t want to bring you into my mess of a life. I never planned on things getting so serious or you being pregnant. I didn’t want to bring kids into this world, if you must know.
My family is dangerous, and it’s no way to raise a child. When you told me you were pregnant, I panicked and ran to the worst person for advice, my father. He said I should marry you. But honestly the kid in your stomach would be better off far away from me and my decrepit life.” He wobbles from side-to-side on his chair.

  “That’s how I always felt, too, Luc. I never wanted to have kids,” I whisper back.

  “I know. That’s why I felt bad leaving you hanging in Kauai. I was trying to make you feel better.”

  Despite my fear, the ice around my heart cracks a little. He’s got so many demons, but I don’t think he’s a bad person at heart. It seems like he can be easily swayed toward the dark side. “You tried to make me feel better by not being honest about who you were?” I ask.

  “Look, Alexis, my intentions were fucking good. What do you want from me?” He slams his fist on the table. I’ve upset him again. I really don’t know how to answer his question because maybe he really thought he was doing the honorable thing. I thought I was doing the honorable thing by marrying him so maybe we’re just two screwed up people who got themselves into a jam. He leans back in his chair, quiet for the rest of the meal. He looks distressed and doesn’t eat any of his food. He only drinks the alcohol in front of him.

  He stands up from the table, practically falling over, and says, “I need to go out for a bit.”

  I can’t imagine where he’ll go in the state he’s in, but I’m not in a place to stop him. I need space to think about what my next step should be. I step out onto the balcony again and call Anna. I watched enough Godfather movies with Dylan to know that the apartment might be bugged if CSIS is watching him. I should be freaking out and hyperventilating like I have in the past. But this is too serious to have that response. I’m trying to keep a clear mind because every decision I make will impact me and my baby.

  My teeth click together waiting for Anna, who picks up on the third ring.

  “Hey, Bandita, what’s up?”

  “I need you to sit down for this. I’m in big shit and we have to figure a way out. I really need your help.” I go over my whole dinner conversation with Luc.

  “Fuck, fuck, fuck. I’m so sorry, Lex,” she says, her voice shaky.

  “Yeah, it’s messed up, but Dylan heard it right. The feds are after him. What do I do?” I ask rhetorically because she can’t possibly have an answer for me.

  “Just act as if everything is normal. I don’t want him sensing something and hurting you,” she responds. It sounds reasonable.

  “I need you to call Ash. I don’t want her worrying. Tell her everything’s okay.” I usually check in with Ash about once a week, but I can’t bring myself to talk to her right now. The truth is too painful to bear, especially when it comes to my little sister.

  “Will do. Do you think I should contact Dylan?” she asks and I snap back, “No! Leave him be. I don’t need him involved with this.”

  “How about your mom? Are you going to tell her you’re married?” she asks.

  I forgot about Mom. I need to check in with her, too. “Yeah, I guess I should take care of it on my own.”

  I make a quick call to Mom because I’m freezing my ass off. I tell her that Luc and I got married and I sound all cheery and bright-eyed over the phone.

  Mom responds, “That was quick, Alexis. Are you sure there isn’t something you’re not telling me? It’s not like you to pick up and get married like that. Does your sister know?” Leave it to my mom to give me the third degree. She was always perceptive when it came to me getting in trouble or wanting to keep a secret, but when it was important stuff like buying food in the house, she was oblivious.

  “She will soon,” I respond, wanting to hang up already. I only called her out of obligation.

  “Are you pregnant or something, dear?” she asks, her question ending with a high pitch.

  I’m silent because I didn’t expect her to ask me that.

  She continues, “You are, aren’t you? I can tell by the silence. See, you’re just like dear old mom. The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. I married your dad when I found out I was pregnant with you.” She lets out an eerie laugh.

  Shit, I never knew that. Mom never said anything before. It makes me feel awful because I didn’t want to end up like her. I don’t want to be anything like her and the thought scares me to death.

  Chapter 38

  She’d Be the Mother of My Children

  Dylan

  Mom called this morning. She said she phoned to say hi, but I know she’s worried about me. I was supposed to spend a few more days at home with the family, and instead, I packed my shit and took the first flight out. I didn’t tell her why. I’m a grown man, but she’s my mom and it’s her right to worry.

  “Dylan, I have some news, honey,” she says, and I give her my full attention.

  “What is it, Mom?” I ask in a hoarse voice. I am completely hung over from last night.

  “What’s wrong with you? You sound under the weather. Are you feeling alright?” she asks, peppering me with questions, her concern obvious.

  “I’m good, Mom. Just woke up with a headache this morning.” I can’t exactly tell her that I’m hung over and was attacked by a woman.

  “You need to take better care of yourself out there, honey.”

  “I do, Mom. I’m fine. You said you had something to tell me?”

  “Yesterday I got a call from Rose again. At first she asked about you kids so I didn’t think anything of it,” Mom says, spiking my curiosity because I know she didn’t call to give me a regular update.

  “Okay,” I reply, hoping she’ll move on.

  “Well, it was a little odd, but she said that- Are you sitting, honey?”

  “Yes, Mom. I’m still in bed,” I tell her, beginning to worry. “What’s going on?”

  That’s when Mom blurts it out quickly. “Rose said that Lexi got married in Hawaii.” She pauses.

  “I know, Mom,” I reply with a dreary tone.

  “Oh, well, okay. She also said it was a shotgun wedding just like she had when she was younger. She was behaving really bizarrely about the whole thing. I remember when they moved next door that she said she got married a few months before, but she was already seven months pregnant.

  “And, well, you know me. I did the math and realized that was the case. I just don’t understand why she would be laughing about her daughter being in such a terrible situation. I don’t know if this is true, but she said Lexi was already three months pregnant so it was okay to tell her friends that she was going to be a grandma. I didn’t think she would want to call herself grandma either. She’s always so concerned about keeping herself young. I think maybe she’s on something.”

  I almost drop the phone. I know my heart definitely missed a few beats, but I don’t want to worry my mother so I reply, “It’s possible. I wouldn’t be surprised if she takes meds. She’s always been really messed up.”

  “I know,” Mom adds. “What are you going to do, Dylan?”

  She knows me all too well. But I really don’t have an answer for her right now.

  “I don’t know, Mom. We’ll be in touch,” I say, wanting to get off the phone and bury myself in another bottle of whiskey.

  “Okay, honey. Take care.”

  The conversation ends, and my mom’s words whisk through my mind. Lexi is pregnant. That shocks the shit out of me, but hearing that she’s three months pregnant gives me some relief, I think. It dates back to the time we were together in the car. We didn’t use any protection, but I assumed that she was on the Pill or something. She was always very responsible, and the thought of her carrying that lunatic’s child revolts me.

  Why did she feel like she had to marry him? Why couldn’t she come to me? She knows I’m the only one who knows how to take care of her. At least she used to know that.

  I wait for morning and head over to the medical school. I ask the secretary in charge if we can move my residency to a Toronto hospital for six mon
ths. After calling my dad, who works at the hospital, a few strings are pulled and the deed is done. I don’t like using connections for things, but this is important. Lexi might be carrying my baby, and even if she isn’t, I need to be there for her. Something’s wrong if she got married on a whim like that.

  I always thought she’d be the mother of my children.

  Chapter 39

  Dread Looming over Me

  Lexi

  Mom’s revelation has really freaked me out. All my life I’ve been scared to turn out like her and now she tells me that I have. It sounds like bad karma. I can’t let it bring me down right now because I have a lot of shit to worry about, like what the hell to do about Luc.

  “Alexis, where are you, mon cherie?” I hear Luc calling me.

  “I’m in the bedroom lying down.” I quickly head over to the bed and act like I’ve been resting. He comes over to kiss me.

  “Can you stop? I’m not in the mood,” I respond, a little too coldly. I’m supposed to be playing up appearances.

  “Come on, don’t be like that. You know we’re good together. Don’t let the information I told you bring you down.” His face gets grim. “You’re my wife now, and you need to behave like it and support me. I’m freaking out here, but I’m still the same guy.”

  He nibbles behind my ear, and I cringe. The alcohol on his breath makes me want to heave. I don’t think it’s only the pregnancy; he reminds me of Mother in her drunken days of glory.

  I gently push him away. “Luc, I’m really tired from the pregnancy and feeling a little nauseous.”

  His eyes turn into slits. “You wouldn’t be lying to me, would you?” he asks, groping my breast. I feel like I’m going to be sick. Having his hands on me is giving me chills. He suddenly leans into my face and takes my arms tightly, squeezing them hard. “You’d better not be fucking lying to me, Alexis.” I lie motionless because it means less chance of getting hurt. Quiet as a mouse, Lex. Just stay quiet as a mouse. His hand comes up and slaps me hard across the face. I still don’t move because I don’t want to give him a chance to do more. I lie on the bed, my head bowed down, not looking him in the eyes.