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Family Secrets

Page 15

by Michaels, Leigh


  Once the ice was broken, the story flowed out – of the young man she had met in the college drama department, and how much Amanda’s parents had disapproved of him. “If it hadn’t been for that,” she said, “I might have seen for myself how selfish he was. But it wasn’t till I told him I was pregnant, and he said it wasn’t his problem –”

  “Oh, Mandy. Why didn’t you share this with anyone then?”

  “I didn’t have too many friends. Not the kind I could trust with this, that’s for sure.”

  Stephanie nodded. “Your parents were awfully particular about who you associated with, weren’t they? Those of us who were somewhat older and considerably wilder would never have passed muster.”

  “You actually remember me from those days?” Amanda was honestly surprised; she’d been a couple of years younger than Stephanie’s crowd, and not nearly as popular.

  “Of course. I remember thinking that if you stopped being such an awful prig and developed a sense of adventure, you might be fun. But you weren’t at all like I thought, were you?”

  Amanda smiled ruefully. “I wasn’t a prig, really, I was just awfully shy. And I didn’t want to find out what my parents would say if I did things like slide down the inn’s grand staircase using a pizza pan as a sled.”

  Stephanie winced. “I’ll never be allowed to live that down. You know, I seem to remember thinking one summer that you looked pale and wan and sick –”

  “That would have been afterward. After Nicky was – gone.”

  “I thought you’d had mononucleosis or something. Oh, lord, how I wish I’d talked to you then. Keeping this bottled up inside you for years... It’s a wonder you’re sane.” She hugged Amanda close, and the tears came once more. Only after Amanda was calm again did Stephanie ask gently, “Why did you give him up?”

  “I didn’t want to. But when I told my parents –”

  Stephanie sighed. “They were no help, of course.”

  “They were mortified. I had disgraced them, and when there was no chance of getting married in a hurry and hushing it up, they sent me to Mother’s sister. I stayed there till Nicky was born. I was supposed to be taking some classes that weren’t available at my college.”

  “And they insisted the baby was to be put up for adoption?”

  Amanda nodded. “If I kept him, they said they’d disown me. I could have lived with that – but how would I have managed? On my own, I couldn’t have supported myself and a baby, much less finished my education. Things would never have gotten any better, and I’d have been condemning my baby to a life of poverty. The lawyer they sent to talk to me –”

  “Who sent him? Your parents?”

  Amanda nodded. “He kept harping at me about that, and telling me how much better it would be for the baby if I’d give him up.” She sipped her tea. “Eventually I listened, and I signed the papers.”

  “And the lawyer contacted Chase and Desiree, and they adopted him.”

  Amanda nodded.

  “And now Chase brings him back here.” Stephanie sighed. “What a mess, Mandy. What are you going to do?”

  “Nothing. I have no place in Nicky’s life. I never expected to, of course.” She picked up the blurry photograph of her hour-old child and said wistfully, “He’s a great little boy, isn’t he?”

  “He’s the best, sweetheart.”

  “And I’m glad I got to know him just a little. Not every birth mother gets to see firsthand that her child is happy and well...” Her voice was trembling. “I’ll concentrate on that.”

  Stephanie nodded slowly. “Amanda... what about Chase?”

  “Chase?” For a moment she sounded as if she’d never heard the name before.

  “I know I said before that you were crazy to allow yourself to care about him, but I’d really started to believe that it could work out. You seemed so happy together, Mandy, and I thought you were getting serious about each other.”

  Amanda forced herself to laugh. At least Stephanie didn’t know about last night. If she was lucky, no one would ever know just now enormous a fool she was. “You’re a world-class romantic, Steph. Oh, it might have been a summer fling, if this hadn’t happened – but nothing more than that, believe me.” She drank the rest of her tea. “What time is it? I have to go to work.”

  “After nine. You’re sure you’re up to it?”

  “I have to be. Thanks for coming – for caring.”

  Stephanie’s forehead was furrowed as if she didn’t want to leave, but she stood up anyway. “Call me anytime. And come for dinner tonight. You shouldn’t be alone.”

  Amanda managed to smile, but her face hurt as if she was forcing muscles to move in ways natured hadn’t intended. “I don’t know. Can I call you later about that?”

  Just standing in the shower hurt her body; the spray felt like needles against her supersensitive skin. Odd, she thought, how a purely mental and emotional experience could translate itself into physical pain. Chase hadn’t put a hand on her this morning, but if he had beaten her senseless she couldn’t feel any more bruised.

  She stood in front of her open closet door for long minutes, unable even to decide what clothes to put on. Her mind felt as if it had split into two pieces; the one which controlled normal daily functioning was numb and paralyzed, while the part which felt emotion – the part she would have anesthetized if she could have only found a way – was very much awake.

  She shouldn’t be alone, Stephanie had said. It was a gentle way to say she was afraid of what Amanda might do to end her grief and shock.

  But the fact was, Amanda thought, she had always been alone. She ought to be used to it by now.

  The only child of parents who had been in their forties when she was born, she had grown up by herself, a solitary, dreamy, imaginative child. Her parents weren’t uncaring, but in their inexperience they had tried too hard to keep her safe. The other children were too undisciplined, Amanda’s mother thought, too wild, too likely to lead her astray. And so Amanda took part in few of the youthful activities of Springhill.

  After high school, her parents wanted her to take a secretarial course. They felt it was an appropriate profession for a woman, at least while she waited to be married, and they didn’t understand that Amanda’s generation was far removed from what had been accepted in their youth. But for once Amanda had stood up to them. She worked at the hotel instead for two years, saving every penny, and finally she went off to college.

  It wasn’t till her second year, when things had settled down a little and she was sure she could keep her grades up, that she discovered the joy of pretending on stage – and it was then she had met Eric.

  Amanda supposed, as she looked back with something like disbelief at her younger self, that she had been an accident waiting to happen – a naive girl, younger than her actual years, pretty and eager to please. Eric had said she was beautiful – a fresh and fragile radiance, that was what he had called it. And she had believed that he was as much in love with her as she was with him.

  But for once, her parents had been right – she had been a fool. And yet, out of that ill-fated relationship had come a precious little boy called Nicky...

  She sat down in the wicker rocker in her bedroom and picked up a tiny envelope from the table next to her bed. Carefully she opened it and extracted three soft, dark brown curls of hair. She had given the rest to Chase, but he would never miss these. She’d been astonished herself at how many curls Nicky had possessed.

  She stroked the soft hair, wrapping it around her fingertip. He had been born with a lot of hair, dark and soft and curly. He had been a beautiful baby.

  She had called him her snuggle-bunny. He had craved contact, and body warmth – it was almost as if he knew from the moment of his birth that he would not have his mother for long, and so he nestled close, and he whimpered whenever he was put down. She had not been surprised at Chase’s story of picking the child up for the first time. Of course Nicky had cuddled up against him...

 
She smiled a little as she reflected on how many new memories she had of Nicky now. Those memories would get her through the tough times, just as she had managed so far by keeping alive in her heart the first precious forty-eight hours of his life.

  Finally she got dressed and went to put her treasures safely away. The photograph, the bracelet, the bit of yarn. This time, almost ceremonially, she added the tiny envelope of hair. And she took a crayon drawing off the refrigerator door – the picture Nicky had drawn of himself, with his exaggerated case of chicken pox – and laid it to rest in the bottom of the trunk as well. These few things were all she had left for concrete remembrances, and she wanted to make certain they were safe.

  Keeping them close by was all she could do to hold tight to the tiny baby, and the little boy, that she had loved so much.

  She was on her way out the door when she remembered the parakeet. She pulled the cage cover off, and Floyd untucked his head and eyed her with interest as she refilled his food and water dishes. His daily bath would have to wait; she was already dreadfully late, and there would be enough questioning looks as it was.

  Floyd cocked his head to one side and said, tentatively, “Say Nicky?”

  Amanda’s lower lip started to tremble. “No, Floyd,” she said. “Not any more.”

  “Strike one,” Floyd observed. He sounded almost sympathetic.

  She took the elevator, since even going down the stairs seemed to require more energy than she possessed. But it seemed slower and noisier than usual; she had plenty of time to read the inspection notice posted on the wall, and notice that it was time for an annual checkup. She’d have to see if she could put it off for a few more weeks, till the movie crew departed. She couldn’t take the only passenger elevator out of service for half a day with the inn full.

  The door opened, and she almost bumped into Chase. He was alone; had he already sent Nicky back to California, then? No, Stephanie had said something about day care...

  She stepped aside, and the heel of her shoe caught in the gap between the lobby floor and the elevator car. Chase steadied her, his touch impersonal. He didn’t look at her, though, and as soon as she had regained her balance he released her, stepped into the elevator and punched at the control panel. The doors closed with a whoosh.

  Neither of them had said a word.

  Amanda was trembling. Last night they had been lovers; today they could not even say, “Thank you for catching me,” or “I hope you’re all right.”

  But she had one thing to hang onto, Amanda told herself firmly. One thing for which she could be forever grateful. At least she hadn’t told him she loved him.

  CHAPTER NINE

  Stephanie called at mid-afternoon to renew the dinner invitation, and Amanda agreed to go. It would have been easier to creep back to her quiet apartment that evening and sit with her memories, but she hadn’t gotten through the last four years by being a coward, and she wasn’t going to start now.

  It didn’t occur to her that she might not be the only guest until she saw an unfamiliar car parked next to Stephanie’s black Jaguar, behind the Kendalls’ mansion. She was almost annoyed for a moment; Stephanie hadn’t said a word about this being a party – even a small one.

  But, of course, if there were other people present, the conversation could not center on Nicky and on Amanda’s pain. Perhaps that was why Stephanie had arranged it this way – knowing instinctively that right now Amanda needed laughter and distraction, not a further dissection of her troubles.

  There was nothing she could do about Nicky but accept the facts; rehashing the situation wouldn’t change anything. And though she had no intention of making a wholesale announcement, the sooner she faced her friends and picked up the threads of her life, the easier it would be in the long run. She had learned four years ago that life was a carousel which didn’t stop just because one person’s plans went astray, and the sooner one ceased standing on the sidelines and climbed back aboard, the less painful the transition was...

  At least the car in the drive wasn’t the one Chase had rented. Stephanie wouldn’t do that to her, and facing anyone else would be a picnic in comparison.

  Amanda took a deep breath and knocked at the kitchen door. Katie answered it, a stack of plates clutched in one arm. “Oh, good, you’re just in time to help me set the table!”

  “Katie,” her mother intervened, “Mandy’s a guest.”

  “No, she’s not. She’s family.” Without checking to see whether Amanda was following, Katie headed for the breakfast room just off the big kitchen and started distributing plates with a nonchalance which bordered on the haphazard.

  Not an elegant guest, then, Amanda deduced, or they’d be using the formal dining room and good china instead of the breakfast room and pottery.

  Stephanie was running a fingertip down the page of a cookbook, an abstracted look on her face. “Teriyaki sauce, honey, pineapple juice – Oh, I forgot the chives. How are you doing, dear?”

  Amanda shrugged. “As well as I can expect. Who else is coming?”

  “No one. Why?”

  “There’s an extra car in your driveway.”

  “Oh, Jordan brought it home for me to try. I’m thinking of trading the Jaguar.” She stirred chives into the sauce simmering atop the stove and raised both eyebrows at Amanda. “What did you think I was doing – matchmaking?”

  “I hoped you hadn’t picked tonight to introduce me to Jordan’s new production manager.”

  Stephanie looked offended. “Not that I wouldn’t like to, you understand, but give me credit for a little more sensitivity than to do it just now.”

  Amanda managed to smile. “Thanks, Steph.”

  Jordan Kendall came in from the front of the house, with Zack riding on his shoulders, and gave Amanda a hug. “I haven’t seen you for a while,” he said. “You’ve been staying too busy with all the movie crew, I understand.”

  Amanda eyed him a bit warily.

  “They’re shooting up at Sentinel Oak tonight. Maybe after dinner we should go up and watch.”

  Stephanie didn’t look up from her sauce. “Why don’t you take the kids?” she suggested. “Maybe Amanda and I’ll go for a walk instead.”

  “Take the kids to Sentinel Oak? By myself? You’ve got to be joking, Steph.”

  “Why? You take them everywhere else.”

  “I was hoping to sneak a kiss, at least. After all, it’s the most notorious lover’s lane in six counties.”

  Stephanie blushed. Amanda was amused, till she remembered that under other circumstances she might have been going up to Sentinel Oak tonight herself, and taking Nicky...

  If Chase was working tonight, who was taking care of Nicky?

  But that was no longer any of her business. As a matter of fact, it had never been her concern, and she’d be a whole lot better off if she didn’t forget it.

  Amanda complimented Stephanie’s pineapple chicken even though she had managed to eat just a few bites, and after dinner she duly admired the new wallpaper in the formal drawing room, and wondered aloud whether the house would be recognizable when Diamonds in the Dew was broadcast in the fall.

  “I haven’t any idea,” Stephanie said. “Furthermore, even though I watched them film, I still don’t have the vaguest notion what the whole movie’s really about. What I saw was so far out of sequence that there was no making sense of it.”

  “We’ll have a party when it’s broadcast,” Jordan added. “Maybe if we all put our heads together we can figure it out.”

  Amanda almost turned the invitation down right then. She knew very well she couldn’t bear a party. In fact, she didn’t know if she could sit through the film at all. Could she enjoy the views of Springhill, and Stephanie’s house, and Sentinel Oak, without drowning in her memories of a bit of stolen summertime?

  Katie was pulling her toward the stairs. “I’ll give you the rest of the tour, too. They used my room, and the guest room, but not Zack’s.” She made a face. “Too many toys. It would have
taken a steam shovel to clear them all out, Daddy says.”

  Stephanie intervened. “I’m not sure Mandy cares for the details.”

  “Oh.” Katie chewed that over for a bit. “Well, all right. Can I come and stay overnight with you, Mandy? We haven’t had a slumber party yet this summer.”

  Had Katie’s mother put her up to that question, Amanda wondered. Was Stephanie honestly afraid to let her be alone?

  “I don’t think –” Stephanie began.

  “Yes,” Amanda said. She intercepted Stephanie’s quizzing look and added quietly, “I have to pick up my life, Steph. I can’t just sit and wait for something that isn’t ever going to happen.”

  Stephanie nodded. “I know.”

  “Maybe I should think about a change,” Amanda said, almost to herself.

 

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