Cowgirl Education: a Camden Ranch Novel

by Jillian Neal

  “Are you confirming that you are involved with Dr. St. James?” Ms. Forester leaned closer. Holly scowled.

  “I’m confirming nothing, and quite frankly, I don’t really believe my personal life is any of your business. I’m a grown woman. I can take care of myself, and I can certainly make my own decisions.” Wait. She? They said she. It seems highly unlikely she was lying. Holly’s heart leapt to her throat then made a crash course towards her feet. Not Beth. No. She wouldn’t. Would she? She was the only other person that knew. “I do, however, feel that I deserve to know who made such outrageous accusations about either me or Dr. St. James.”

  “We are not at liberty to give you their name. In fact, it was an anonymous call.”

  “Dr. St. James, I honestly don’t know what to say. This is extremely damming evidence.” Newsome did look rather sorrowful, not that Dec was capable of understanding any sympathy. You’ve ruined her life, too. You’re nothing but an asshole who can’t say no. Might as well damn your soul now. There’s nothing left worth living for and there’s got to be something near by that can take this all away, chanted constantly in one form or another in his head.

  “Sleeping with a student in your class is highly unethical,” Dr. Singleton had the audacity to berate.

  “Way I hear it, Dr. Singleton, you would certainly know,” Dec sneered. He needed to get the hell off of that campus, away from Holly before he did something else that would ruin her life and find something to make this go away.

  Pure hatred flared in Singleton’s eyes. Dec couldn’t possibly have cared less.

  “I have to admit I suspected something like this was going on. At least tell me you were seeing her before you were hired on here,” Newsome pled.

  “I was.”

  “Why didn’t you say something when you were presented with the contract?”

  The incoming loss of his only reason for living unhinged Dec. “What was I supposed to say? I was never given a choice,” he roared. “I never wanted this job. I fell in love with her, but being in love wasn’t an option I was allowed.”

  “I suppose I understand that,” Newsome sighed. “I do wish you’d confided in me. We could’ve found some way to keep you from being her professor. Now, I have a recorded report from an anonymous source that has to be handled. You gallantly volunteering to let her stay in your home makes me look a fool. I don’t appreciate that.”

  “Oh yeah? Well, I don’t appreciate a lot of things. The first being that I was forced to work here and now I’ve managed to fuck up not only my life but hers as well. Look, I’m leaving. I’m sure I have no fucking choice, yet again. Just don’t punish her for this.”

  “Dr. Gibbons has asked me to communicate to you that you have been terminated from Lifespan.”

  “Asshole couldn’t even show up to fire me in person?”

  Newsome’s eyes closed in what Dec assumed was a plea for patience.

  “I do understand this affects your H-1B work visa, but please don’t do anything rash, Dr. St. James. As for Ms. Camden, at the very least she will have to repeat the class you were teaching. I highly doubt either of you would vow that you gave her no preferential treatment. She has the highest grade in your class.”

  “She has the highest grade because she’s brilliant. Not because of me.”

  “Either way, you are both liable for your actions. I cannot simply make this go away for either of you. In two weeks, both you and Mrs. Camden will return to campus for a hearing about where we will go from here. Then we will decide whether or not either of you will be allowed to return for spring semester. She is being placed on academic suspension until the time of the hearing. Her grades for the entire semester are null and void.” Newsome set several sheets of blank paper and a pen in front of Dec. “I need you to outline in detail the nature of your relationship with Holly Camden.”

  Dec stood and walked out of the room.

  Chapter Forty-Five

  “Have you ever been in love?” Holly demanded of the vultures surrounding her. “Really, truly in love with someone? Has anyone ever told you that you weren’t allowed to be in love with them?”

  “We do not believe you are in love, Miss Camden. You’re simply too young to understand such a thing,” Dr. Anderson tsked.

  “Thank you so very much for your insight into my life. I just met you. You know absolutely nothing about me, or my life, or what I understand. You want to suspend me, go right ahead. I don’t really think I have any interest in obtaining a degree from a university whose psychological response team is this apathetic and devoid of any understanding of human emotion. Just please do not fire one of the only teachers in this department that does understand what you’re so unwilling to. You’re doing nothing but a disservice to the University and what it should stand for. I’ll leave and never return, but don’t fire Dr. St. James.”

  “He hasn’t been fired. That decision remains with Dr. Newsome and the board. You’ll both return here in two weeks to plead your case.”

  “I’m not pleading anything to anyone. I shouldn’t have to. I’m leaving.”

  “Ms. Camden, you’re not free to go.”

  Holly narrowed her eyes, “No, Mrs. Forrester, you’re not free to hold me here. I’ve done nothing wrong.” With that, she stormed out of the makeshift cell she’d been forced into.

  Racing down the hall, she burst into Dr. Newsome’s office.

  “Holly?” Newsome somehow looked startled. Did he really think she’d leave Dec to deal with all of this?

  “Where is Dec?”

  “I think it would be best if you returned home, Ms. Camden. As your parents were responsible for what portion of your books and supplies that your stipend did not cover they have been alerted to the fact that you have been placed on academic suspension. I expect they’d like to hear the explanation from you.”

  “Dr. Newsome, I mean this with all of the respect I used to have for you, I do not give a half a hoot or a holler what my parents want right now. I do not care if I never get to return here to finish this degree. I do not care if either you or they are disappointed. In fact, I have no idea why I ever cared so much. I need to know where the man I intend to marry is, and that is all I care about.”

  “Dr. St. James left fifteen minutes ago. He was escorted off campus by security. I have no idea where he is now.”

  Sprinting towards the parking lot, she nearly toppled over Beth who was racing towards her. “Holly, what happened?”

  “I can’t believe you did this to him,” Holly raged.

  “Did what? I didn’t. . .I mean. . .you don’t think. . .I don’t even know what happened.”

  “I’m pretty sure you do. I have to go.”

  Somehow she knew he wouldn’t be there, but she had nowhere else to check. Her truck protested her speed. She floored the accelerator. Skidding past his driveway, she backed up and raced down the path to the house, praying for an impossibility.

  “Dec, just don’t do anything you’ll regret,” she pled to the ether as she leapt out of the truck and opened the garage. The Pilot wasn’t there. “Dec!” she screamed as she flew through the house. Nothing.

  Another idea sprang to her mind. Ten minutes later she crashed through the front door of Trace.

  “Holly?” Trace came around the counter staring at her like she was a ticking time bomb. “You haven’t been around for ages. You okay?”

  “No. Has Dec been here?”

  “No, sweetheart. I haven’t seen him since I last saw you. Want me to call you if he comes by? Want a cup of tea or something? I don’t know what happened, but if I can help, say the word.”

  “Thank you.” The hysteria returned, stampeding through her this time. She knew Dec. She knew addicts. She knew he would blame himself for this entirely, even though it was all her fault. She knew he thought he was going to be deported. She knew he now believed he’d ruined her life the same way he believed he’d ruined Evie’s. She knew what he thought he was returning to, and she knew wher
e that would most likely lead him. “If he comes by or you see him anywhere call me. Here’s my number.” She grabbed a pencil in a nearby cup and scribbled her cell number on a yellow pad.

  Back in her truck, she scrubbed her hands over her face. “Think Holly. Just fucking think.” Panicked breaths gasped from her lungs as she pulled out of the parking lot and drove to the other side of town.

  The streets narrowed and somehow the sunlight seemed unable to reach the ground here. She drove on, slowly scanning every house, every business, every human being she saw clearly for the first time in her entire life. People who were hurting, cold, hungry. People who thought they had no hope because the sunlight didn’t reach the ground here. It was owned by someone else.

  Calling herself a fool an hour later she recalled that drugs were not a plague of the poorer end of town. She drove back towards Dec’s house. The homes here shot upward towards the sun, desperate to claim it, but only managed to manufacture it differently, to bend its rays and band its infinite colors into one blurred bar of perceived warmth that provided nothing at all.

  As she drove down street after street of perfected facades, realization tore her apart. There was no way to find him because what he thought he couldn’t survive without existed everywhere, hidden in plain sight. Tears finally seeped from her eyes and burned her cheeks. She had no idea where to go or what she was looking for. She had to find him.

  One last thought managed its way through the impossible maze of her mind. She pulled over along the curb-and-gutter street and found her phone.

  “Holly? Everything okay?” Kade’s shocked tone bled quickly to concern.

  “Where do I find a cocaine dealer?”

  “Whoa. Back up. Where’s Dec?”

  “Kade, please, just tell me where he would go if he were going to buy a lot of it.”

  “Where are you, Holly?”

  “I don’t know where I am. Please help me help him. You have to help me.”

  “Okay, I am. I’m gonna help. Deep breath. Are you in your truck?”

  “Yes.”

  “K, drive until you see a cross street and let me figure out where you are. Then tell me what happened.”

  Another hour passed. The sun sank low on the horizon and Holly was a disaster. Kade continued to drive slowly from 17th to 20th and up and down Euclid. She’d been right there hours before. Trace’s was just a few streets over.

  “Only hope we have is to spot the Pilot. Keep your eyes peeled,” Kade instructed. His knuckles were white on the steering wheel, his entire body rigid as though an internal war waged on inside of him.

  “Kade, I’m so sorry to make you do this. I know it has to be hard for you.”

  “I’m fine. Just need to find Dec.”

  Holly continued to scan every building and alleyway.

  Dec crossed over the river having no idea where he was going or what he was looking for. He couldn’t see anything in front of him. Holly and Kade had been lighting up his phone all fucking afternoon. Both of them deserved better. He’d shut his phone down.

  What are you waiting for? You can’t have her. You’ll never have her. You never deserved her and you never will. London awaits. The headstones. The crowds. The farm. The faceless people. The muted silence. Your father. You’ll never get another job. Not now.

  Pressing the accelerator harder, he made a hard left on 9th. Human beings were incapable of unknowing what they knew, and he knew where to get the only thing that could take away this level of abhorrent pain. There was no reason to avoid the inevitability. It was all he would ever be. The persistent call drowned out any other options.

  Chapter Forty-Six

  “Kade.” Holly grabbed his bicep. “There.” She blinked, making certain she wasn’t dreaming, but the scene before her looked far more like a nightmare. Dec’s SUV was parked on the street near an old home. The single light on the porch faded against the darkening skies. A slush mix of snow and rain pricked Kade’s truck. The entire world was grey.

  “Fuck, this ain’t good Holly.” Kade parked his truck in front of Dec’s Pilot. So he couldn’t escape. She understood.

  “So. . .so this is a dealer’s house or something?”

  “Or something. Do you see him on the porch? Do you see anyone on the porch?”

  “No, I don’t see anything.”

  “Dammit, Declan. You’re better than this.” Kade slammed his hand on the steering wheel. “Look just stay here. Lock the doors when I get out. I’ll get him.”

  “No, I’ll get him.”

  “Holly, I cannot let you walk in on a deal. Things could get ugly real quick like.”

  “I don’t care. Bring it on. Life is ugly sometimes. But we’re going to live it.” Holly flung open the door and raced through the bracing cold to the front door. It was open just a crack, too swollen to close. Her heartbeat flew. Her head throbbed. She had no idea what a drug deal even looked like or what might happen to her once the dealers saw her. What if he was already high? What did you do with a person that was high?

  You clean him up and you take care of him. You show him that you accept every single part of him. You love him and you help him fight this.

  Determination surged through her veins. She was in this with all of her heart, with all of her soul. She had to show him how much of her belonged to him.

  Placing her hand on the knob, she pressed in as someone else jerked the door back. She stumbled forward almost toppling over, “Dec,” she gasped. “Don’t do this.”

  “Holly? What are you. . . ?”

  Suddenly two very large men flanked Dec. “You don’t get to walk away, man. You came in asking, you make the buy.”

  Dec grabbed her hand. “Run!” He motioned for Kade to go. “Hurry,” his shout shook the trees.

  Holly grabbed his keys from his hands. “Get in. I’m driving.” The Pilot edged dangerously to the side as she skidded in a 180 degree turn in the middle of the street and took off.

  He sat in silence. The life she was so accustomed to seeing in his eyes when she was in his presence was gone. They were grey just like everything else, a blurred line between the darkness and the light.

  “You sit there and you listen to me and do not argue,” she spat furiously. “This is entirely my fault. You said we should have broken up and waited until the semester was over. I wouldn’t listen. I did what I always do. I got stubborn. I wanted what I wanted when I wanted it. I decided I could get away with it. I decided for you that we could get away with it and Dec, I am so, so sorry, but we are not over. We will never be over.

  “I am taking you home. Not to your house, or to my apartment, to our home. And I know you’ve never even been there and that I never realized how lucky I am to have a place that will always catch me if I fall, but I do and now you do, too. I have no idea what’s going to happen at that stupid hearing in two weeks and I don’t care. We’re getting married. You are not going back to London. You are not going back to this life. Ever.”

  “Don’t you see, baby?” His voice was eerily soft almost absent. “Don’t you see how weak I am? You deserve better.”

  “No, no I don’t. I don’t want anything else. I don’t want anything but you. My stubbornness got us into trouble, but dammit I’m gonna use it for as long as I need to. You will not go down because of my stupid mistakes.”

  “I have no choice. I have to go back to London.”

  “Did you not hear me say that we’re getting married?”

  “It doesn’t work that way. It takes time and proof and a lot of other things.”

  “We will do whatever it takes, even if that means I go to London with you. We are not going to function as two separate entities. Never. Kade said your visa has a few more months on it anyway. That gives us time to figure everything out.”

  “Holly.” He shook his head.

  “Don’t. I take it by the fact that we were just chased out of that house that you didn’t buy anything, but if you did, you tell me now.”

  “I c
ouldn’t. I just kept seeing your face and I couldn’t. Can I please hold your hand? I need to touch you. I need to feel you. Please.”

  “Always.” She laced their fingers together. His eyes closed and his head fell back against the seat.

  This was going to work. She wouldn’t let it fail. “Get ready, Dr. St. James, we’re going home. Hope you like cattle and wide open spaces.”

  “This isn’t going to work. I’m not worth this. I don’t get to have a home.”

  “You’ve had a home from the moment you sat down at my table in Duffy’s bar all those months ago. You know it, and I know it. One-fifth of a second. Stronger than a hit. We were done for. This,” she lifted their joined hands, “is our home. Wherever you are is where I’ll be, forever. You’re worth my future, and we’re going to the one place on earth where life makes sense. Just stick with me.”

  “Holly?”

  She turned to him, the terror in his eyes cutting her to the quick.

  “Do you promise?”

  “I promise, Dec.”

  Chapter Forty-Seven

  Holly begrudgingly released Dec’s hand to answer Kade’s call. The glow of her phone disappeared in the fog enveloping them.

  “Well, that was invigorating,” Kade quipped. “You all okay?”

  “We’re getting there.”

  “He agree to go home with you?”

  “I didn’t so much give him a choice.”

  “’Atta girl. All right, take him to Trace, I’ll go by his place and pack him up. You said two weeks right?”

  “For now. Ultimately it will be forever, but two-weeks worth of stuff will do.”

  “He’s gonna insist he’s fine to go home. He isn’t. He needs to stay away from anything that reminds him of possibly losing you because of his work or the school. I’ll meet you two up at Trace with his stuff as quick as I can.”