Blinding Echo

by Tina Saxon

  The raw pain in his voice kills me. I stare at the man who owns part of my heart. No matter how hard I’ve tried to take it back, I can’t. But I also can’t forgive him. Not yet. I nod and sigh. “I’m doing it tonight.”

  “No matter what happens, I’ll still be here waiting for you.”

  “Wayne–”

  “No,” he holds up a finger. “I’ve let you have your space to figure out what’s going on in your head. I kinda understand. But I need to have my say before you leave.” As he takes a step toward me, I wrap my arms around my waist. The barrier I put between us, I'm not sure if I’m doing it to push him away or to keep me from breaking down and running back to him. “I didn’t lie to you to make you fall in love with me. I came to you as a friend. We both fell in love. I may have lied about Reed and our relationship after the fact, but I never coerced you into falling in love with me. That was real.” Tears escape my eyes watching him plead for our love. “Our love wasn’t a ten-year-old crush or high school sweetheart…” He chokes on his emotions. Clearing his throat, he continues, “You’ve loved me longer than you did him. How can you throw this away for someone you loved over ten years ago?”

  “It’s not ten years to me. To my heart.” I place my hand on my heart. How else do I explain it? The love I have for Kase, it’s alive inside me. It’s like my heart was jump-started with the love we shared. The problem was my heart was beating already, filled with Wayne’s love. I’m in love with two men and I can't differentiate who it beats for louder. I need to find out.

  Chapter Thirty-Seven

  Kase

  She won’t answer my calls. I’ve been home two days and it’s radio silence. Tori told me to give her some time. If I give her too much time, she’ll make a decision without including me. I can’t prove to her that my soul belongs to her if I can’t see her.

  Max instructed me to take a few more days off to figure my shit out. I’m not sure a few months is enough time to figure anything out. Being off only gives me more time to wallow in my convoluted life at the moment. I stare at the white ceiling, recalling the last few days. The cushions from the couch are sagging having no reprieve from my heavy body. The phone is within reach on the coffee table. I check it every half hour on the dot and then call her every hour. I’ve stopped leaving long winded messages. She’ll answer when she’s ready or tired of me blowing up her phone.

  I jump off the couch like I was shocked at a knock at the door. It’s a woman’s knock. She’s here. I’m at the door in three long strides, opening it with such urgency I’m surprised I don’t rip the door off the hinges. I freeze at the sight. My eyes see what my heart doesn’t. It needs a second to catch up, to understand it’s not her.

  “Everly, what are you doing here?”

  She glances away from my confused expression, extending her arm to the side of the door. Reed steps into my line of sight. He gives me a lopsided grin. Oh, buddy, you’re like a beacon in the night. If anything is truth right now, it’s you. You are my son. “Hey, big guy.”

  “Hey, Kase.”

  I stare at him still amazed I helped create him. Everly clears her throat pulling me out of my trance. “Oh, come in.” I widen the door. They walk in and Reed runs to the windows.

  “Epic,” he exclaims, staring out at the ocean. He whips around. “Can we go to the beach? I’ve never been!”

  I open my mouth to answer yes, but then snap it shut and glance at Everly. “We’ll go after a while,” she replies. “We should talk first.”

  Reed walks up and I watch him closely. “I know you’re my dad.” The earth just shook beneath my feet, knocking me backward against the arm of the couch. He states it matter of fact, no question… just affirmation.

  “Way to start a conversation, Reed,” Everly says, her voice full of sarcasm.

  He shrugs. “Just trying to move this along so we can go to the beach.” Everly gives him the look only a mom can give. “What? He already knows, it’s not like I told ‘em a secret.”

  He’s awesome. Leave out all the bullshit that doesn’t matter. He’s definitely mine.

  “How do you feel about that?” I manage, unclogging the surprise lodged in my throat. He leans his weight from foot to foot, gripping the hem of his shirt.

  “It’s a little weird. My mom told me you didn’t have a clue, so I’m not mad at you.” His eyes jump to his mom every few words searching for silent confirmation.

  “I didn’t. But had I known, I would’ve been a part of your life. And I’d like to be a part of it now.”

  His little head nods. “You seem like you’d be a cool dad.”

  “I’d be the coolest.”

  Better than Wayne for sure.

  Everly blows out a soft sigh, her eyes cast down. She walks over to the windows and gazes out. There are so many things we need to talk about. I grab my phone off the coffee table and call Cody. Having him take Reed to the pool will give Everly and I a chance to talk.

  “The pool?” Reed drops his arms in disappointment.

  “I’ll bring you to the beach this afternoon.” I missed all his firsts, I want this one.

  Cody shows up a few minutes later and Everly’s eyes widen at the huge burley guy with tatts all over. She peeks at me, fear in her eyes. I smirk at her reaction before introducing the two. Cody is a guy I trust with my life, he won’t let anything happen to Reed.

  “This is crazy shit. You look just like her.” Cody studies her, his eyes roam her body.

  She plasters a fake smile on her face. “So it seems.”

  “Sorry.” He winces, looking around for Reed, running his hand over his beard. “Hey Reedster, you ready to go?”

  After they leave, the awkward silence between us is becoming our norm. The sun casts down on her from the window she’s staring out of. We have a son together. It’s hard to believe a baby survived the crash.

  I finally break the silence. “The whole town would’ve known Reed was mine, didn’t they say anything?”

  Without turning, she replies, “I never went back to Barrow. When we left Arizona, my parents bought us a house in Sweetwater. They wanted me to be close, but thought I wouldn’t want to deal with everyone recognizing me and me still not remembering them. To be honest, I was happy they did that.”

  Her dad thought of everything to keep me from them. “Everly, why are you here?” She twists around, leaning against the wall. I chuckle when she clears her throat. “Some things never change.” Her brows furrow in confusion. “You’ve always cleared your throat when you’re nervous.”

  “You still know me so well.”

  I shake my head. “No, you’ve changed. I have too. We’re not teenagers in love where life is simple anymore.”

  “You said you loved me.” She steps toward me and I stand still, a sour taste in my mouth as guilt is consuming me for what I’m about to say. I've thought a lot about this in the last forty-eight hours. “I want us to be a family. Reed deserves to have a relationship with you and we deserve to be together after they ripped us apart.”

  I sigh, rubbing the back of my neck. “You’re right. Reed deserves to know me and we deserve to be happy after being lied to for so long.” Sweat rolls down my spine, the words heavy in my throat. “But not with each other.” I reach for her, but she takes a step backward, shaking her head. Her eyes gloss over and it kills me to see she’s hurting. Because of me.

  “Did you tell her you kissed me?”

  My eyes snap to hers. “Jesus Christ, Everly. No.” I pace the room wondering why she’s bringing that up. I had a moment of confusion. Who can blame me? But will Ellie understand? I groan in frustration. “She won’t speak to me now, so I haven’t had a chance.”

  Her hand stops me as I pass her. “Kase, I’m here. I’m willing to fight for you. Can you say the same for her?”

  I let out a sarcastic laugh. “So much for sisterly love.”

  She releases my arm, cocking her hip out, her expression hardening. “I’m not giving you up for her. We
have a son together.”

  “If everyone would stop throwing that in my face, I'd appreciate it. The guilt of not being there is heavy enough.” We're going around in circles and I need liquor to keep going. I offer her a beer and she shakes her head. Is she not drinking because of Reed? Should I not either? Memories of my dad and his constant drunken state flood my mind. “I don’t drink a lot,” I declare, my voice raising as I put the beer back in the fridge.

  “Kase, you’re not your dad.” Her face softens, and she joins me in the kitchen.

  She sighs. “Actually, I would like one.”

  Taking two beers out, I hand her one and she leans against the opposite counter. Dirty dishes fill the sink where it’s usually spotless. My gaze darts around the unkept apartment. Here’s to great impressions, I cheer to myself and swallow a gulp of beer.

  “Sorry my place is a mess. It’s not normally like this. Shit, I’m sorry for a lot of things.”

  “Me too. I shouldn’t have come.” She pulls the bottle to her lips and our gazes stay fixed on each other. I wonder if we found each other before I met Ellie if we would’ve worked. When we were in the hotel, her gasp when I picked her up is what reminded me I wasn’t with Ellie. I’m rough around the edges and she’s used to sweet. I’m sure Wayne treats her like a princess. “I’m… also sorry about your dad.” Her voice breaks. “Wayne explained everything before I left.”

  I shrug, already having come to terms that he’s dead. I huge weight was lifted when I learned it wasn't me. “Thanks. I’m sorry to hear about your dad.”

  She picks at the label on her beer and laughs without humor. “No, you’re not.”

  “I’m sorry for you. You loved him.”

  “Had I known what he did, I would’ve never forgiven him.” She takes two steps toward me and puts her hand on mine. I squeeze it, knowing she needs affirmation that I forgive her, though none of this is her fault. The clinking noise of the beer bottle on the counter echoes in the quiet room when I put it down. I pull her into my chest and wrap my arms around her thin frame. Her body shakes as she cries.

  The weight of her tears lay heavy on my heart. Regret just adds more weight, suffocating the one organ that keeps me alive. It’s hard to breathe. I don’t want to hurt her. I tighten my hold, memories replay in my head of the last time she cried in my arms. Her dog escaped and was hit by a car when we were seventeen. He died immediately. I had wished I could take all her pain away so she wouldn’t have to bear it. I wish that now I wasn’t the one causing it. Instead, I let her have her release. It's goodbye to a teenage love, ripped apart too soon.

  She steps out of my hold, sniffs and wipes the tears from her cheeks. “Thank you,” she whispers. “We should probably get going.”

  “Wait.” I reach for her. “Can you guys stay awhile? I want to…” How can I say this without sounding like an asshole?

  She bites back a smile. “You want Reed to stay. I get it.”

  “Both of you. I’d like both of you to stay. Unless it’s too hard for you.” I can’t imagine how she feels. Someone breaking your heart one minute, then asking you to stay the next. “I would understand if you want to go.”

  “I’d like that and I want you to know your son, Kase. He’s amazing, and he reminds me of you at that age. Over confident and stubborn,” she smirks.

  As if on cue, Reed barges through the door, talking to Cody, “Yep, I have a girlfriend. Except she doesn’t know it yet.”

  Everly gives me an I told you so look.

  “Reedster, I’m not sure that qualifies as a girlfriend,” Cody says, ruffling Reed’s wet hair.

  “Pshh. We eat together every day and she passes me notes in class. We’re unofficially boyfriend and girlfriend.”

  “Oh, notes, huh?” I joke. “It must be serious.”

  He shrugs, falling back into the couch. “I kinda like her friend too.”

  Cody and I bark out laughing. Already playing the field.

  I glance at Everly, who’s giving Reed the evil eye. “He’s not like me. I only had eyes for one girl,” I say quietly as I pass her and plop down beside Reed.

  Chapter Thirty-Eight

  Everly

  He doesn’t mean to twist the knife. But his words cause so much pain. What’s worse, he’s only loved two women who are identical, yet his heart belongs to one. And it’s not me.

  It was a mistake to come here. I hoped I could change his mind because of Reed. Use his guilt against him. God, I was naïve and stupid. I’m not this person. I’m a stay-at-home mom who volunteers on PTA, bakes all day just so I can hand goodies out to everyone the next day. Sweet, loving, everyone’s best friend, volunteer of the year… that’s me.

  Now, I’ve ruined everything.

  Kase and Reed joke around in the living room and I gravitate toward the kitchen. Doing what I do best, baking. Searching the cabinets, I’m surprised to find a lot of the ingredients. I sigh to myself, forgetting that Ellie is probably here a lot. I wonder if she enjoys baking as much as I do? My eyes flicker to Kase’s muscular body. At least I know she doesn’t bake for him very much if she does.

  “Is there a store nearby? I want to get a few things.”

  Kase glances up at me with a brow cocked. “There’s a small market next door. Do you want me to run and get something?”

  “No. Stay here and hang out with Reed. I’ll be right back.”

  His quizzical expression stays on his face. He’s wondering if I’m coming back. Under the circumstances, running away sounds ideal, but I’d never leave Reed. He’s the one stable thing in my life. He’s always been. Knowing one thing in a world of unknowns holds a lot of power. He’s a part of me. I worked hard to build a solid life for him even though mine was broken.

  It'll be hard sharing him with Kase. Another reason I wanted us to be a family. My heart aches when I imagine him around Ellie. It’s selfish of me to hope she’s decided the situation is too much and breaks up with Kase. I can see the determination in his eyes though. He won’t let that happen.

  For ten months, I wondered how he had left me so easily after my accident. Piecing together the puzzle when my memory returned, I recall him coming to see me once. And then I never saw him again. It wasn’t until Wayne told me what happened—that he thought he killed his dad—and wasn’t left with a choice other than to leave, did I understand. I don’t blame him. I blame my dad. Hearing what my dad was capable of, the man who would move mountains for me, broke a piece off my heart. My heart has taken a beating lately.

  The quaint small beach town is lovely. It’s not home, but it’s beautiful here. The red brick buildings rich in history, the thick greenery everywhere reminds me of home in spring after we get hit with heavy showers. I’ve never smelled salt, but the humid air is filled with it. The dark clouds out over the ocean, look turbulent yet fascinating, leaving you wanting to sit and watch the storm unfold.

  It's my life.

  “Good afternoon, Ellie,” the door greeter says as I walk through the automatic doors. I freeze and stare at him. His genuine grin fades. “Are you feeling okay?”

  “I… I’m fine.” I want to ask if I really look like her, if he can find anything different about me. Kase can tell us apart, why can’t everyone else? I’m an intruder. It’s like déjà vu when I first lost my memory. I hated it then just as much as I hate it now. Reliving the feeling makes me sick to my stomach. I peek at his badge and say with a polite smile, “Have a good day, George.” I avoid eye contact with anyone else in the store.

  Two more people greet me—Ellie—before I could get back to the apartment. I’ve abandoned any thoughts of walking down to the beach to give Kase and Reed some time alone. I can’t pretend I’m someone else. It’s not worth my sanity.

  “That was quick,” Kase says, coming into the kitchen, tugging each bag open to peek inside. “Whatcha’ making? And do you need any help licking the bowl?”

  “Hey! That’s my job,” Reed exclaims, coming in behind him. He jumps up and down when
he sees the ingredients. “Mom! You’re making peach cobbler! Kase, wait until you try it, it’s so freakin’ good.”

  “Um, watch your mouth, or you’re not getting any.” He looks down away from my pointed glare but hides a smile.

  “Actually... I’ve had it before. It’s still one of my favorites.”

  I place the vanilla on the table and look up. Why am I doing this to myself? I know it’s his favorite dessert, at least it was. If I tell him it’s also Reed’s, maybe he won’t assume I did it on purpose. He doesn’t understand the need I have to make him happy.

  “It’s Reed’s, too.” I smile.

  “No, it’s not,” Reed barks. I narrow my eyes at him to stop, but he keeps going. “I love your triple chocolate cheesecake.”

  “Sweetie, I thought you loved my cobbler?” My words grate out between my teeth.

  Way to be inconspicuous.

  “I do, Mom. I love it,” he replies, his voice robotic and slightly scared.

  “Great.” I turn around, ignoring the strange looks they’re both giving me and begin pouring ingredients into a bowl. If I don’t acknowledge how stupid I’m being, we can all forget this ever happened. Right? A cloud of flour erupts from the bowl due to tossing it in too fast, followed by laughter as I dust my shirt off. I twist my lips, staring at the cackling duo sitting at the bar. “Y’all think that's funny, huh?” Their heads bob in unison. The spoon clinks the steel bowl as I stir the flour, salt, and sugar together. “Hmm, I have a little too much dry ingredients,” I say right before I reach into the bowl and flick some right at their faces.

  We break out in laughter when we notice Kase’s white cheeks and lips. He puffs the mixture out of his mouth, a wicked smile tugs on his lips.

  “It’s time to add the wet ingredients.”

  Pulling the sprayer off the faucet in front of him, he presses down the button and water sprays all over my shirt and then he turns it on Reed. Squeals and laughter ring about the apartment. By the end we’re all coated in a flour paste, the place is a mess, our cheeks all hurt from laughing so much and we just made our first family memory.