Radioactive

by Maya Shepherd

  We stand right behind him in line. “That’s him,” I whisper to Zoe. She stares intently at his head, but shakes her head. “Are you sure?”

  “Definitely,” I assure her, and in that moment Finn turns around questioningly. When he sees me, his eyebrows pull together angrily, but he does not say anything.

  At the same time, Zoe’s face lights up. “You’re right, it is him. No one else can look that angry.”

  Zoe’s words irritate Finn visibly. What’s that? Do you know me?” He looks at them suspiciously.

  “I am your sister,” she says quietly but insistently to him. “Your little sister Zoe, do you remember?” She adds lovingly.

  Finn shakes his head. “Did she tell you that?” He points at me. “Do not believe a word she says. She’s crazy.”

  “No she is not. She is our friend. You can trust her. It will help us get out of here,” Zoe assured him. Finn snapped his breath in shock.

  “Get out of here? Are you both mad? Anyone who leaves the safety zone dies. The soil is contaminated.”

  Zoe shakes with a patient smile. “We were both born outside the safety zone. It’s not contaminated anymore. When I was a baby you used to hold me in your arms. You were still so small that you could hardly hold me.”

  Her words do nothing but make Finn even angrier.

  “Stop it. I do not want to hear anymore,” he utters angrily and turns his back to us.

  His defensive attitude makes Zoe angry. She grabs Finn roughly by the shoulder and turns him around and looks him in the eye. “I do not care whether you want to hear it or not, but you are my brother. I will get you to remember even if I have to smack it into you.”

  Startled, he throws her hand off his shoulder. “You’re crazy, that’s why you’re in the sickbay. They should never have let you out because that’s where you belong.”

  I cannot believe Zoe’s lashing out. With all of my strength I drag her out of the line and away from Finn. “Chill out! If you behave conspicuously, they’ll never let you back in the safety zone!”

  Outraged, she casts an angry glance in Finn’s direction. “He can’t have simply forgotten us!”

  “He was operated on by the Legion. It’s not his fault!”

  Zoe clenches her fist. “They will pay for this. The Legion has done many bad things to us, but this is the cruelest of all. There will come a day when I will take revenge for all they have done.”

  Although I can understand her anger, I do not share her view. “The only way to keep him alive was to make him forget. They saw his memory as a danger they had to protect everyone against.”

  “Do you mean to say the Legion is afraid of the rebels?” She says with an ironic laugh.

  “Exactly,” I assure her, but Zoe does not believe a word.

  “Why should they? They are stronger than we are!”

  “Maybe they were once, but not any longer. The Northern Legion fell to rebels not too long ago.”

  Astonished, she looks at me. “Is that really true?”

  “The rebels from the north and east have joined forces. They have been attacking for several weeks.”

  A smile of triumph slowly grows across Zoe’s face. “Finally, the pigs are getting what they deserve.”

  I swallow hard and hope that she is not serious about what she is saying. That what she is saying is because of Finn. Does she not realize I am also a member of the Legion? When I was with the rebels, I wanted nothing else but to be a rebel. But now that I am back in the Legion, I have been thinking a lot about who I am. Now I know who I am and where I belong. My place is in the Legion, even though my name will always be Cleo. Perhaps I can eventually combine both of these aspects of myself. Maybe one day I’ll cease being A518 and be Legion member Cleo.

  Once Zoe received her food rations, I took her back to the sickbay with a guard. I then went back to the elevator to wait for A350. Instead, Ruby joins me at my side. I look forward to hearing her report. I’m glad to see she’s still okay.

  As expected of her, she kneels before me. “All hail Legion commander A518.”

  “I greet you also, fighter C403.”

  Ruby straightens up. Her face is a mask without emotion.

  “I was pleased this morning when I heard the escape was a success,” I whisper to her, as we stand side by side. We do not look at each other. Both of our gazes are locked on the atrium.

  “It was not as much a success as you might imagine,” Ruby admits.

  “What do you mean by that?”

  “A woman died.”

  My heart skips a beat for a moment. “But the Legion commanders said they did not kill anyone,” I say with a trembling voice, trying to maintain my composure.

  “She was not shot; she died from the consequences of escape.”

  “Who was it?”

  “Marie. She had a heart attack. I was there when she died.”

  I squeeze back the tears that crowd my eyes. Marie was a good soul with the rebels. Everyone loved her. She was one of the few that was not prejudiced in her interactions with me from the beginning. I can still remember her delicate fingers on my face when she tried to feel a better picture of me. Marie was blind.

  “How did the others react?” I know it’s a silly question. How should they have responded? They would have been crying, as I would prefer to do at this moment. But I do not know what else to say.

  “Gustav is half crazy. He wanted to attack the Legion immediately. The others could not deter him.”

  Marie and Gustav knew what love is. You could see it in them when they talked or just sat side by side. They were almost one, where Marie was always the calm and balanced part and Gustav was the impulsive and uncontrolled one. I can imagine life without Marie will be difficult for him.

  “What do we do now?”

  “There is nothing we can do. Now we wait.”

  “Shall we tell Zoe and Finn?”

  “Finn remembers nothing; it would mean nothing to him. If you tell Zoe, she will be sorry that she could not say goodbye to Marie. I think she has enough to worry about.”

  “So we should keep it to ourselves for now?”

  Ruby shrugs. “You’re the Legion commander, not me. It’s your decision!”

  She leaves and marches toward the fighter section. Thoughtfully I look up at the big clock above the elevator. It has been 45 minutes since my arrival. A350 is late. That’s not like her. Did something happen?

  The atrium has emptied. All residents have returned to their work and the food distribution windows have closed. There is no other way for me to go back to the Legion commander sphere. So I have no choice but to wait.

  After an hour and twenty minutes, the elevator suddenly opens and A233 emerges. She seems stressed and worried at the same time.

  “Sorry for the delay. There was an incident, A350 sent me to find you. She wants to see you immediately. Follow me!”

  A233 leads me toward the sickbay.

  “What happened?”

  Did something happen with Zoe? Did she cause a riot?

  “D560 tried to kill herself. A350 found her and has since been with her.”

  12. A NAME FULL OF HOPE

  When I stand at D560’s door in the sickbay, my hands are wet with sweat. All color is drained out of my face and I feel slightly dizzy. How could she do that? If only I saw her last night, maybe this wouldn’t have happened?

  A233 opens the door for me with her fingerprint. I’m glad to see this room is not like one of the cells in which prisoners are held; this room is different. Although there are no windows here, after all, we are under the Earth, the walls are painted a cheerful green and the floor is brown, instead of the usual drab gray. A560’s bed is in the middle of the room. She is connected to a heart rate monitor that constantly beeps. Her wrists are wrapped in a white bandage that looks no different from her pale skin. Her eyes are closed, but even in her sleep she looks so sad and fragile that even the slightest touch could cause her to fall apart.

 
; A350 stands next to the bed and looks at D560. Her face is covered with worry. I walk up next to her.

  “You may be alone with her, if you like.”

  I nod quickly and bite my lower lip, to keep my quivering lips under control.

  “I will wait at the door for you,” A350 gently whispers. I allow myself to dwell for a moment with her hand on my shoulder. Then she leaves the room with A233.

  When the door closes, I stand still as if frozen in the same spot. I hardly dare to walk closer. I feel guilty deep in my heart. Even when we first met, I saw how bad it was for her. I still remember clearly how she pressed the broken glass into her hands so that blood would gush out of them. I wanted to try hard to figure out what was wrong with her. Instead I was always busy with my own problems. I do not know why she lied to me when she said that A350 ordered her to spend her nights with me. Maybe she just did not want to be alone. Why could she not be honest with me? I would never have sent her away. On the contrary, I enjoyed her company. Did she not know that? Could she feel it?

  Very slowly I step closer to her bed. I sit quietly on the foot of the bed so in order not to wake her. As I look down on her pale face, the desire to stroke her forehead, or at least hold her hand enters my mind, but I ignore them both. Instead, I arise from the foot of the bed and sit in the chair in the corner. I place my hand gently beside her, but not touching her. I want to tell her something. Something that might give her hope when she hears it.

  “Outside of the Legion there is a small forest. The trees are so high that if you look up, you can see the sky through the thick canopy. The air smells of pine needles and soft moss, which extends across the floor. As you walk on it, it almost feels like carpet. The forest is never silent. During the day are birdsong and the rustle of small animals fills the air. And at night you can hear the call of an owl. Sometimes a wolf curses the moon for his suffering.” At this point, I give up because I have to remember that D560 is probably like the wolf.

  But suddenly, her fingertips gently touch my hand. “Do not stop,” she asks in a whisper with her eyes closed.

  I am relieved that she’s awake and now close my eyes to remember better.

  “In the middle of the forest there is a small lake. Very early in the morning when the sun is rising, there is fog on the surface. When the wind blows through the fog, it looks as if alien beings are dancing on the water, like in a fairy tale. Once the fog clears, you can see how clear the water is. Overnight, mud has settled to the bottom, so you can see all the way to the bottom. However, the water is ice cold. But you decide to walk into the water. But you will not regret it. After a bath in the morning, you feel like a new person. It washes away all of the sorrow and makes you see your problems more clearly.”

  Her fingers feel their way closer to my hand, so that they not only touch, but rest on my skin. “I wish I could take a bath in the lake,” D560 whispers and a tear streams down her face from under her closed eyes.

  “Should I stop?”

  “No, please, continue.”

  “The lake is its warmest at noon. The sun at that time is in its highest point. If you are not careful, you will be easily sunburned. This is a cruel thing. Your skin peels off. At first it hurts and itches later. But under the burned skin, new skin grows, like a snake that sheds its skin. But after the first sunburn, the skin slowly becomes accustomed to the sun and begins to change. It develops a color. The skin gains a golden glow and becomes very warm.”

  When I speak of the heat, a brief smile appears on her lips, only for a moment. “And what about the evening?”

  “In the evening, the lake is still warm, but is also the most troubled. While it was so clear in the morning that you could see the bottom, by the evening it is murky. Then the frogs and toads begin croaking loudly. They sit hidden in the reeds around the lake and sing a song that only they understand. Crickets hide in the grasses that grow on the banks of the lake and chirp. They chirp as though each of them was wearing a tiny violin on their tender legs. Their song is so loud that you could hear it from several meters away. It fills the air and survives the sunset.

  D560 opens her eyes and looks at me, exhausted. But the smile on her cracked lips remains. “When I close my eyes and listen to you, I can see everything. I wish I could see it with my own eyes.”

  “You will someday. You just have to have patience,” I assure her. But D560 shakes her head sadly.

  “No, I do not believe this. My life is as it is and will always remain so. There is nothing I can do about it unless I end it. But I cannot even do that.” Again tears stream from her red-veined eyes. She gasps for breath to calm herself, but instead her lips begin to tremble.

  I take her hand, resting her fingers on my skin. To my astonishment, D560 does not pull them away. “You must not think that way. I promise to do anything to help you. If you want, you can move in with me.”

  Surprised, she stares at me. “Really? I hear the hope that is in her voice.

  “Yes, I would be happy. I like you and do not want bad things to happen to you. Tell me what happened. I can help you!”

  Panic enters her eyes and she shakes her head angrily. “I cannot!”

  “Why not? What are you afraid of?”

  “I. Do. Not. Want. To. Talk. About. It. I do not even want to think about it!” She turns her head away from me and stares at the green walls. Her eyes are like a film projector playing through the horrible memories that only she herself can see. It must be a terrible movie.

  “Can I help you?”

  She shakes her head vigorously again. “No one can. No matter what happens, the memories will remain like scars. I am disfigured for life.”

  Such self-hatred. I am sorry she feels this way.

  “You could start from scratch. Leave your old life behind you and start another one.”

  She turns to face me, disbelief in her eyes. “And how does that work? I am still here.”

  “It does not matter where you are; the decisive factor is who you are.”

  “And what if I do not want to be myself?”

  “Then create a new self. Someone you’d be proud of.”

  I can see her thinking about my words and I can see she is hesitating.

  “Someone with their own personality should not wear a number as a name, but have a name.”

  Her eyes grow large. “Just like you?”

  “Yes, just as I and all those who are free. It should be a name that suits your new self.”

  She shrugs her shoulders pessimistically. “I do not know any names.”

  “But I do and I know one that would suit you.”

  “I smile and see her slowly fill with joy. Her tears dry on her cheeks and a slight hope fills her eyes.

  “Which one?” She asks curiously. Her whole body trembles with tension.

  “Asha. It means hope.”

  She lets the name sink in and breathes in and out deeply. The she speaks it herself, very carefully, as if it were something sacred. “Asha.”

  As I leave Asha’s room, I see A350 just around the corner. I had totally forgotten, but to my surprise she is neither annoyed nor impatient.

  “How is she?”

  “Better. She spoke to me, but would not say what happened. Do you know anything?”

  “No, unfortunately not. I found her with her wrists slashed in her room.”

  “Has something like this happened before?”

  “No, never. The people in the safety zone would never get the idea to do something like this. Their life is to fulfill their assigned task. They would never do anything against that directive.”

  Although I do not like her claim that a life is only for performing a task, I have to agree with her. Also, I would never get the idea to kill myself. Neither before nor after my kidnapping.

  But A350 is hiding something. I see it on her face. There is something else I do not know. “Are you hiding something from me?”

  She shakes her head resiliently. “No, I want to be honest wi
th you. But you cannot talk to anyone about it. It is important that this remains between us until we have clarified the cause. I have even commanded silence from the doctor who operated on her.”

  “I promise. What is it?” I reply immediately.

  A350 looks up and down the hallway to make sure no one is really there but us. Then she leans over and whispers into my ear, “D560 was pregnant.”

  My eyes grow wide with terror. “How is that possible? It’s not mating season!”

  A350 nods. “The fetus died last night in her suicide attempt. She was about eight weeks pregnant.”

  Normally every death would sadden me, but not in this case. I am sure that Asha had not wanted the child.

  “By whom was she pregnant?”

  “Our mission is to find out.”

  Since Asha will spend the next two nights in the sickbay, I would like to take the time to visit Finn again. Of course, I cannot look after Asha for twenty-four hours, but I will not leave her alone all night. So my chances to see Finn will be fairly small. I hope A566 is now in his room. But I do not have to look for him because I see him in the hallway next to the elevator in the Legion commander’s sphere.

  “A518, what a pleasure it is to see you,” he greets me in his usual charming way. I still find it difficult to deal with it, but I’m starting to get used to it.

  “I am pleased to see you as well, A566.”

  “Let me guess, you were looking for me?” He smiles toward me naughtily.

  Once again I am overcome by a feeling that he holds many of my secrets in his hand that he could use against me. But I cannot think of that now if I want to see Finn. So I admit defeat and nod guiltily. “Yeah, I want to visit D577 in the safety zone. Can you help me?”

  “There’s nothing to it. I have magic fingers,” he says with a beaming smile that bares his perfect white teeth as he presses his index finger onto the elevator’s scanner. The door opens immediately.

  I want to walk into the elevator, but A566 blocks my way. Triumphantly, his eyes sparkle at me. “Have you forgotten something?”

  I do not know what he means, but I immediately panic. Does he want something in return? I have nothing to offer him in exchange. A566 seems to read the despair on my face and winks at me mischievously. “A small word will bring me worlds of joy.”