Radioactive

by Maya Shepherd

  Relieved, I breathe out, “Thank you!”

  “That wasn’t so hard,” A566 praises me and allows me to enter the elevator. The elevator starts to move while we silent stand next to each other. Normally A566 leads our conversations by grilling me with one question after the other, but today he is unusually quiet, his eyes are more vigilant than normal. It seems to me that he will not let me out of his sight, even for a second. As the silence becomes more uncomfortable, I ask him the first question that comes to mind. “Where were you last night?”

  His expression changes abruptly. He eyes me suspiciously. “Why do you want to know that?”

  So I do not know him. Normally he would downright brag when he does something against the rules. He thinks he’s insanely clever, that he could outsmart everyone and everything. To him, the rules do not apply because he always finds ways and means to circumvent them.

  “I was looking for you,” I reply honestly. For a moment he looks searchingly into my face, and then dissolves his tense posture. “I’m sorry, but I had to do something important. Even I have tasks I must attend to.”

  Although he does not seem to distrust me, I notice the sharp tone in his voice. Just as he says the last sentence, it sounds like what I would expect from him.

  “I know, but I’m really grateful to you for your help. I do not know what I would do without you.” I confess to him to calm him down with my words, especially since they correspond to the truth.

  The elevator doors open and for a time I do not dare take the first step, waiting for A566 to leave the elevator, but he seems to have no interest. Instead, he stares at me.

  “It’s nice to hear you know that. Don’t’ forget it!”

  Finally he leaves the elevator, but the threat in his voice gives me goose bumps. Something is different about him today. Have I upset him?

  I’m glad when we reach D577’s room. Again I need A566’s help to open the door, but he hesitates.

  “I suppose you want to be alone with him,” he notes, but I do not like the prospect of him hanging around the hallway by himself. However, with him in the room, I would not be able to speak to Finn as freely as I would like. I need time alone with Finn alone and therefore do not care for A566’s wishes.

  “It will not take long,” I assure him.

  “I do not have long to wait,” A566 counters coldly, but still opens the door. Again he puts me under pressure. I know that if he left without me, I would be trapped down here. My trespassing in the safety zone would be noticed in any case. He knows it. He thinks he can blackmail me with this knowledge. But I hope he understands that the Legion commanders would realize that I could not have come this far without assistance. Although I’m not sure if I would really betray him, after all, he has already helped me more than once. But I cannot be sure of A566’s continued silence.

  Without thinking further, I enter Finn’s room. He lies on his bed asleep, like all residents of the safety zone. Residents have no control over their sleep because the Legion even governs that.

  I step closer and hear the door shut quietly behind me. I carefully sit down next to his bed and watch his face. I miss his blond wavy hair. There is something soft and vulnerable in his face. Although Finn has always been strong and grim, his hair was what made him appear vulnerable.

  Even when I was with the rebels, I would watch him sleep from time to time. He always looks peaceful, unless he just had a nightmare, which unfortunately was frequently. But here in the safety zone his face is frozen, as if made of ice. He looks neither happy nor sad, but more like a machine without any human feeling.

  Affectionately I stroke his cheek. I know he will not wake. He does not even seem to feel my touch. His face remains impassive. If I wake him, he will probably chase me away, but I have no choice if I want to make him remember.

  I start to shake his shoulders, only slightly, and then more firmly until he finally tears his eyes open in fright.

  He gasps and looks frantically around the room. When he sees that everything is fine except for my presence, he responded the way I feared. His eyes are filled with rage and he moves away from me.

  “You again,” he utters almost hatefully. “Can you not let me rest at night in peace?”

  “I’m sorry; I did not want to disturb your sleep...”

  He will not let me finish and abruptly interrupts me. “Then go away.”

  “I just want to tell you something, that’s all,” I try to explain as factual as possible. It hurts as he looks at me and it’s not like we used to be. I just got to know him and fall in love with him. I know that under his tough exterior lies a soft core.

  “I do not want to hear your stories. They are fictitious and nothing but lies!”

  “You do not have to believe what I tell you, but you could at least listen,” I ask him. At first it looks as though he will further push me away, but then he groans, annoyed.

  “You will not give up until I have listened to you, right?”

  I smile at him. “You know me well.”

  He did not even answer my smile, not even for a second. “Just start so I can get this quickly behind me.”

  I breathe deeply in and out, “I want to tell you about our farewell.”

  He shrugs his shoulders, disinterested. “It means nothing to me as long as you’re leaving after you tell me.”

  “I had only been with you and the others for a few weeks. We celebrated the evening with the other rebels. We were all there. The old man, Gustav played a gramophone and his wife Marie caressed him tenderly on the cheek. Marie’s white hair blew gently in the warm evening wind. Florence was leaning against Paul, so that her golden hair fell over his strong shoulders. Beside them sat Pep, who was looking up at the stars, because he was still sore over the loss of his twin brother, Pep, who had recently died. Grace, your mother’s best friend, sat with her daughter Emily and my little sister Iris around the campfire grilling meat. And you and I...”

  I’ve been watching Finn’s face. He listened to me, but nothing of what I said had any effect on him. To him, these are just empty words.

  “We danced. It was the first and last dance in my life. I did not know how to move around, but you showed me. While dancing, there is no right or wrong. The important thing is that you can feel the music and move to it. Do you remember the music?”

  “No,” he promptly replies. He is not even interested in that. Asha had been impressed by my words and wanted to know everything about music and dancing. She even found the idea of a campfire impressive. But Finn wants to get rid of me as soon as possible.

  Nevertheless, I start softly humming the melody of the gramophone. They were sad tones. Sad, but still nice. I still remember it. This melody kept walking through my head while I spent the first few days of my return in the sickbay. They gave me the hope that Finn and I would once again be together. Though I am sitting beside him right now, he seems further away than ever before.

  “Stop that!” He suddenly interrupts. “I do not want to hear.” For emphasis, he puts his hands over his ears. Only when I stop does he take them down again. “You wanted to tell me something, not emit strange noises.”

  “Alright,” I sigh. It seems as if he did not want to remember. If anything is to trigger him, he has to let it happen. It’s almost as if he is afraid of his own memory.

  “That night I went back to the Legion. You went with me. You know the desert better than anyone else. You found your way in the dim light of the stars and the moon, while I was blind beside you. But when you took my hand in yours, I felt safe. When we reached the brightly lit Legion commander sphere, I wanted nothing more than for you to ask me to stay with you. I did not want to leave you and did not want to go back to the Legion. You closed me in your arms and I still remember my last words, as if I had told them to you today.”

  I feel the tears begin to burn in my eyes, but I will not cry. It would scare him, but for the first time I have piqued his interest, even if he is trying to hide it.


  “What did you say to me?” He asks, bored.

  “Do not forget me,” I whisper softly, my voice trembling like a leaf. For a moment our eyes meet and I yearn to see, if only for a tiny moment, the old Finn in his eyes. He is no longer resistant and cold, just exhausted. Perhaps I made him feel sorry for me. The Legion must have drummed into him that tears are a sign of weakness.

  He clears his throat a little embarrassed. “Was it now?” Although his words sound common, his tone is not as sharp as it was in the beginning.

  “Almost,” I reply. “The most important thing will come. You said something to me that I will never forget.”

  “What did I say?” He asks, and this time I really think curiosity is making him listen.

  “Maybe you can restrain your feelings, but I cannot, and I do not want to.”

  His voice and body at that time were full of power and passion. I, however, am weak and uncertain. Nevertheless, I am doing exactly what he did back then. I lean forward to Finn’s face. Very slowly, so as not to scare him. The amazing thing is that he does not recede. He acts irritated, but does not defend himself against my approach. Seeking safety in his eyes, without finding any. So I close my eyes and put my lips to his. The kiss is totally different than it was in the desert. We were desperate and were afraid we would never see each other again. Now he is as delicate as the wings of a butterfly and as fragile as the finest glass. Nevertheless, I immediately feel the heat, a brushfire courses through my body. Every fiber of my skin seems as though it is electrified. I want to stop time and stay forever, but the moment is so short and the realization of that comes as a blow.

  Finn pushes me so suddenly and so powerfully that I land on the floor before him. He stares at me in horror, until the anger returns to his eyes. “What are you doing?” He grumbles. He grabs his head with both hands as if he were afraid he would explode at any moment.

  “I just wanted you to remember,” I moan in despair and slowly stand up.

  “I do not remember. Do you not see that?” He shouts at me. “Get out now!”

  I cannot help the tears running wild and turn around. The door is already open and A566 is waiting there. I do not know how long he has been there and I don’t know how much of our conversation he heard, but I do not care. For the first time in a long time I just want to get away from Finn. I cannot look at him any longer. He is now a constant reminder of what I have lost.

  I rush past A566 and run to the elevator. A566 is right behind me and opens it immediately. I take refuge in the interior as though it were a protective changer that will shield me from all of my fears and worries. Only when the doors close do I dare exhale. Why did I have to kiss Finn? He was just starting to listen to me and I ruined everything. What was I expecting? That he would suddenly remember after a kiss like in a fairy tale? I knew it was too early. I knew it when I put my lips to his. I could not have prevented it. I have longed to kiss him again. Our relationship had only just begun. It is now over again before it had even begun.

  Once again I am so overwhelmed by my own thoughts and feelings that I only now realize the elevator has stopped. We are in the glass tube that connects the safety zone with the Legion commander sphere. Below us the red desert lies in darkness while the starry sky is perched above us. I look questioningly at A566. “Why have we stopped?”

  He looks at me critically, as if I had just committed a crime. “It is time for you to repay your debt.”

  His voice is low, but dangerous. Just like the growl of a predator. I do not know what he means, but suddenly I feel the chamber of the elevator to be too small for both of us. I step back to the other end of the elevator; we are only a few steps away from each other. He does not let me out of his sight for a moment, like a snake ready to attack.

  “Can we not talk about it outside of the elevator? I feel uneasy in mid-air,” I ask him while trying to hide my fear.

  He takes a step toward me and I have to decide what to do next. I decide to stand tall and not shrink and hide. I pretend that I have no problem with him coming toward me. “The time for talking is over. It is now the time for action,” he explains to me. His eyes, however, are completely fixed on me. I feel a cold sweat break out on my body even though my neck is dry. I have to swallow in order to not cough.

  “What actions are you talking about?”

  He smiles toward me dismissively. “You always act so strong and superior, while in reality you are just a naïve little girl. I have been watching you from day one,” he confesses to me as he inches closer. There is now only one step between us.

  “I’m sorry you felt that way. I never wanted to...”

  His hand bangs the side of the elevator and I cry in alarm. “I’ve had enough of your talking. You think you can wrap everyone around your little finger with your words, but the trick does not work with me,” he hisses. His head is so close that our noses almost touch. I’m afraid of him and I feel my knees begin to tremble. I wish I could ask him what he wants from me, but no matter what I say it seems to only make him angrier. My mouth is now dry. I wish he would start the elevator again. The button is on the opposite side, a few meters away, but still infinitely far.

  “I saw how you kissed that outcast,” A566 whispers into my ear. “It looked as though it wasn’t the first time.”

  No, it was not, and I hope it was not the last time. But I cannot think of Finn while A566 is threatening me. I do not even know what he is actually threatening or what he expects from me. I force myself to look into his eyes in return, but the longer I look, the colder it gets.

  “He did not want to be kissed by you,” A566 continues speaking. I want to respond, but do not.

  “Do you know what it’s like to kiss someone who does not want to be kissed?”

  I do not answer him because I do not think he expects an answer. But he does, I am only aware of this when his fist thunders against the wall next to me. “Answer me!”

  Desperately I shake my head. “No, I do not know.”

  “Kiss me,” he says suddenly. Horrified I stare at him. Why would he want such a thing? He grew up in the safety zone, just like me, such a request should be alien to him. But A566 is serious. “Kiss me as you kissed him.”

  “I cannot,” I say. The idea of kissing anyone other than Finn is terrible. I do not want to.

  “You owe me something, do you remember? We all look the same, so it makes no difference.”

  It makes a huge difference, but he does not understand. I do not know what will happen if I refuse. At that moment he seems to be ready for anything.

  “I will not let you go before you do it,” he says. I think of all the secrets he knows about me. If he wants to, he could harm me. But not only do I betray the other Legion commanders with my nightly excursions, but so does he, but he could also hurt Finn and Zoe. They are helpless in the safety zone. He can manipulate the camera so that no one would be aware of anything he may do to them. The easiest thing for me to do would be to bend to his will, even if it is repugnant to me. In the future I will go out of my way to avoid him to not put myself in this kind of situation with him again.

  “Okay,” I finally agree with him. His shoulders loosen. He stands in front of me. I walk up to him. He is taller than me by a few centimeters, like all male members of the Legion. I move my head gently and close my eyes. Maybe it won’t be so bad if I think about Finn. But when my lips touch his, it’s like a trap snaps shut. His arms wrap around my body like shackles and his hands seem to burn the thin fabric of my white suit. His lips press against mine and his tongue forces its way into my mouth. I can hardly get air. I feel the fabric on my back tear under his fingers. First, it is only a small gap, but little by little, his hands jerk a large hole in my suit. He keeps going until my butt is pressed naked against the glass wall of the elevator. I’m trying to push him from me, but the more I resist, the more he presses me against the elevator. His teeth bite on my tongue and I taste the metallic taste of blood run down my throat. Immediate
ly I begin to choke and it is only then that he lets go of me. With his arms, he grabs me firmly on the upper arms and turns me around so that my head is thrown against the glass. For a brief moment all I can see is black, but when I feel his body pressed against my bare back, it makes my heart beat faster in a panic. Now I know what he’s up to. It is a kind of torture that comes from the old Earth. It is the worst kind that a man can use to humiliate a woman. I remember this from films about the Second World War. I always closed my eyes to these terrible images, but the cries of the women seemed louder in my ears. I do not want that. It would destroy me and I cannot let that happen. His hand is between my legs and I know that here too the thin fabric will tear when he pulls on it. I press myself against the glass with both hands and push as hard as I can. A566 does not expect this and staggers back, only to plunge immediately back on me. With one hand he beats my head again against the glass while his other further tries to tear off my suit. My foot manages to kick him in the knee and he cries out in pain. Immediately I rush to the elevator button panel and release the Stop button. The elevator is moving upward again, but A566 is faster than me. He gives me a blow to the face with his fist. Even as I fall, I can feel the elevator stop again. My hands spring from the fall so that I can roll aside quickly. A566’s breathing is ragged. “It pleases me that you are putting up a fight. I must say I did not expect that. I had expected more tears and begging.”

  In response, I begin to wildly kick him with my legs so that it is hardly possible for him to come near me. Eventually though, he manages to grab one of my legs with his hands while I kick him in the stomach with the other. He cries out in pain but still manages to hold the other leg. He pulls me away from the wall so I lay flat on the steel floor of the elevator. He kneels on my legs with his kneecaps painfully pressing into my skin and I can attack him no further. His hands encircle my wrists. He squeezes so hard I can barely feel it. I do the only thing I can do in this situation and ram my head against his with full force. For a second, I can see only black, but the pressure on my legs is gone and he lets go of my wrists. I get on all fours and again set the elevator in its upward lift. Instead of attacking me, this time it’s me who goes off on him. I use the moment that he is still on the ground the kick him in the stomach as hard as possible. He lets loose a terrible scream. Tears even swell from his eyes. I want to kick him again and again. Instead, I press my foot down against his neck. He tries to swat at me with his free hand. At that moment, the elevator doors open and I run into the hallway. I do not look back for a second. I start running and running without paying attention to where I am going. As I turn around the next corner, I plunge straight into someone and stagger to the side. Panicked, I look to see who I ran into and cry a sob of relief as I recognize A350 staring at me in shock.