Behind the Tears (Behind the Lives)

by Hansen, Marita A.

  Rage shot through Ash at the memory of Chaz being at Tiana’s place. It hadn’t clicked before, his situation and the drugs dominating his mind, but now the thought that Chaz had touched his son spurred him forward. He tripped as he tried to ram himself into Chaz, knocking both of them to the floor, his stepfather grunting in pain underneath him. Ash head-butted him, hurting his injury even more, but he was beyond caring.

  Hollering from the blow, Chaz pushed out, knocking Ash into the stove. Ash rolled over and tried to get up, but got shoved onto his stomach as Chaz climbed on top of him. Ash went to butt Chaz with the back of his head, but got his hair grabbed and a large hand clamped over his mouth and nose. He struggled to get free, but Chaz held on tight, the seconds without oxygen making Ash’s mind go hazy.

  Chaz leaned close to his ear, snarling, “Hello, Dante.”

  Ash blanked out, his last thought of what Chaz had said about Dante running through his mind: ‘I’d fuck him in a second and would make it hurt like buggery.’

  33

  Dante

  Dante sat in a chair opposite a policeman with Tiana and Juliet on his right. He’d seen this guy a few times, the chin scar hard to miss, but from memory he’d always been drunk when the cop had pulled him in.

  The cop turned his gaze on Dante. “Don’t worry, sir, we’ll find your brother.”

  But in what state?

  “New Zealand’s a small country; someone’s bound to see your stepfather.” The cop smiled, which Dante assumed was supposed to be reassuring, but it didn’t feel it, because although the country wasn’t big, there were still plenty of places you could disappear to. His own father proved that when he vanished for weeks on end, leaving Dante alone as a teenager. It was probably why his dad eventually moved to rural Taranaki, isolating himself from everyone. But Dante didn’t blame him, because he wished he could do the same.

  The cop continued, “Actually, we’ve had a couple of leads, one in Orewa and another in Wellsford. Do you know if your stepfather has any relatives or friends from those areas?”

  Dante shook his head. “Only in Whangarei, and from memory it was a cousin.”

  “We’re already checking there. What about in Maungaturoto? There was a man with teardrop tattoos seen there.”

  “No.”

  “Your younger brother said he’s rung all of your relatives to warn them, but from what you’ve told me about Dargaville I would suggest you contact the ones up there again, because all of those sightings are along the way.”

  “He has no reason to go near my other family members, especially since they’ll be gunning for him.”

  “Under no condition should they approach your stepfather—”

  “Telling that to my uncle and grandfather would be like telling a mongoose not to attack a snake. They won’t listen and I wouldn’t either if I were them.”

  The cop cleared his throat, then looked down at his notepad as Tiana started sniffling again, the sound irritating Dante even more.

  Juliet put an arm around Tiana’s shoulders and pulled her in close. “They’ll find him, Tiana.”

  “Repeating the same words over and over again won’t make them happen,” Dante said, gruffly.

  Juliet gave him a glare. “And being nasty won’t help either.”

  Dante shook his head at her. “Why’re you two even here? You’ve answered no questions; only sit there sniffling and gettin’ on my nerves.”

  “Stop being horrible, we want to know what’s happening too, and we have just as much a right to be here as you do.”

  Dante’s gaze moved to Tiana. “She doesn’t. She set him up.”

  “She did not!” Juliet yelled. “She had no choice, Chaz threatened to hurt Angelo.”

  “She could’ve said sumpthin’ to give Ash a clue, anything to warn him of what he wuz walking into.”

  Bursting into tears, Tiana jumped up and ran out of the room.

  “Look what you’ve done now!” Juliet yelled, getting up. “I hope you’re happy with yourself, you selfish jerk.” She followed Tiana out, leaving Dante staring after them.

  “If you want to leave, I have no more questions,” the cop said.

  Dante turned back to the man, surprised by the sympathy he saw. He’d expected condemnation like Juliet had given him. He knew he shouldn’t have snapped at Tiana, but it was what he thought, and he was never good at keeping his mouth shut.

  “We’ll phone you when more information comes in,” the cop added. “And if you remember anything else contact us.”

  Nodding, Dante got up and left the room, the building, and as he got outside he’d wished he’d left the city as soon as he spotted Beth getting out of her car. And to heap shit upon the dung heap called his life, she’d parked her pink Volkswagen right next to his bloody car.

  She started heading towards him, the sway of her hips covered with a black skirt while her upper body was clad in a soft green blouse, the buttons undone to show off her breasts. He hadn’t seen her since the episode in his bedroom—and didn’t want to either, what he’d done to her still plaguing his mind. So, like a coward, he turned and started walking in the opposite direction.

  “Dante!”

  He jumped over a strip of flax plants framing the police station, and onto the footpath.

  “Dante, stop!”

  Jesus, she was like a fucking pit bull, biting in and never letting go. He spun around and barked at her, “What?!”

  Beth came to a halt in front of him. “I needa talk to you,” she said, looking worried.

  “You shouldn’t come near me after what I did.” He nodded towards the police station. “You should be in there pressing charges against me.”

  Her brow furrowed. “Why would I press charges?”

  “For raping you.”

  She appeared shocked. “Why would you say that?”

  “Cos I forced myself onto you. I hurt you, made you scream.” Everyone thought he was like his father. They were partially right, but if it came down to it, he was more like his stepfather: someone who took what they wanted regardless of the consequences.

  “You didn’t rape me,” she said. “It wuz consensual, and just cos I screamed doesn’t mean I didn’t like what you did.”

  He shook his head, not understanding how she could say that, because he’d ripped into her, pumping so fucking hard that no woman would want that. He wasn’t some small-dicked prick who could get away with doing shit like that, barely brushing a woman’s walls, what he did would’ve hurt like bloody hell, and her agonised scream proved it. And if he was being honest, he’d wanted to hurt her, because it had felt fucking great, and what made it even worse was, if he had half the chance, he’d do it again, but with her tied to the bed, laid out for his pleasure.

  He put his hands to his head. “Either report me or leave me alone.”

  “No! I don’t want you in jail, I want you with me,” Beth said. “God, what you did yesterday wuz what I’ve always fantasised about.”

  He pulled a face. “You fantasise ’bout rape?”

  She nodded, then quickly added, “But only if it’s consensual.”

  “Rape’s not consensual,” he said, stunned. “And how could you say that after what happened to Ash? And what’s pro’bly happening to him right now.”

  She bit her bottom lip, her hazel eyes looking sorrowful. “What we did has got nuthin’ to do with Ash, cos I wouldn’t want the real thing, only the safe fantasy version. Yeah, you were rough, but not hateful, only passionate, and I loved you holding me down and looking at me like you had to have me.”

  Without a word, he walked past her, heading for his car. He didn’t need this right now, and worse, it felt vulgar talking about sex right after seeing Tiana cry for Ash. Maybe he was wrong to snap at Tiana, maybe he should be snapping at Beth instead, because she should be crying for Ash too, not talking about rape fantasies. Yeah, it showed just how much Tiana cared for Ash and how little Beth did.

  Beth followed him. “What’s t
here not to understand? I want to sort things out between us so we can be together.”

  He turned on her. “You have shit timing saying that. Don’t you even care ’bout what’s happening to Ash?”

  “Of course I care ’bout him,” she said, looking affronted. “Why do ya think I’m here?”

  “Yet you’re telling me all about your fantasises and wanting me to be with you like some happily-ever-after couple. That shit doesn’t happen; it’s what makes Hollywood rich, and lumps everyone else with unrealistic ideals.”

  “You brought it up, I didn’t. I only wanted to see whether you were alright.”

  “Just go home, Beth,” he said frustrated.

  “But I love you.”

  His words to Sledge came to mind: If I had someone I loved ... and who loved me back, I wouldn’t muck around. But right now, he couldn’t handle both her and Ash’s situation at the same time.

  “Dante, please believe me.”

  “Then talk to me when Ash is safe, not now, cos it’s just wrong.” He pulled out his keys and opened his car, then jumped in and left without glancing back.

  ***

  Like when his mother died there was police tape framing the property, something that always came in Chaz’s wake. Dante got out of his car and stepped over the tape, heading across the lawn to the front door. He pulled out his keys and opened up, then went straight to his bedroom. It was as he’d left it: torn up with broken shit all over the place. He kicked a path through to the curtains, and opened them. Angelo’s playhouse had tape all over it as though holding it together, a picture of innocence tainted. The thought that Chaz had defiled it made Dante want to smash it apart. He would do it too, but not right now. First he needed to head up to Dargaville to see his grandfather, something he should’ve done yesterday before everything had turned to shit.

  He picked up his luggage bag and started piling clothes into it. He wasn’t running away, he was just concerned about how his grandfather was handling the news, especially since the old guy wasn’t in the best of health. Plus, if the cop was right about those sightings of Chaz, then he could check out Orewa, Wellsford and Maungaturoto along the way. He stopped dead, the place names running through his head. Orewa, Wellsford, Maungaturoto... They weren’t only on the way to Dargaville, they were also on the way to the Kai Iwi Lakes AND...

  He took off, running down the passage and into the lounge, heading for the photo album stashed at the back of the trophy cabinet. He pulled it out and flipped through the pages, stopping when an image caught his eye. He stared down at a photo of Ash in a canoe, paddling on the Kai Iwi Lakes, Chaz’s half of the picture cut out. He remembered being upset that his family had gone up there with Chaz, because it felt almost sacrilegious going with someone other than his dad. So, he’d run away from the campsite, getting as far as the Waipoua forest before being found. His mother had been livid, going between hugging and yelling at him on the way back to the lakes, but it was what she’d asked his stepfather as they passed a line of trees that came to mind:

  ‘Chaz, does your brother still have a holiday cabin up here?’

  ‘Yes.’

  Dante headed back into his room, retrieving his gun and a box of bullets from under a floorboard in the closet. After stuffing the gun into his pants, he covered it with his hoodie then slipped the bullets into his pocket and went to the front door, swearing as it opened from the outside. Beth stepped inside, the look on her face far too determined for his liking.

  “I don’t have time for this,” he said.

  “I don’t care; I’m not leaving until you get it into your thick head that I’m not backing down. I love you, Dante.”

  “Bad timing. Now move.”

  “No.”

  “You hafta, I think I might know where Chaz could be.” Although he didn’t have the address, he remembered the general location, which was better than nothing.

  “What? Where?”

  “It doesn’t concern you.” When she didn’t move, he pushed past her and jumped down the steps.

  She followed. “You can’t go looking for him, you should phone the police.”

  “I will phone them.”

  She ran to his car, blocking the driver’s side. “Then I’m coming.”

  “No, you’re not, so stop gettin’ in my way.”

  “You said I didn’t care ’bout Ash. Well, you’re wrong, I wanna help.”

  “Too bad, cos you can’t.” He pushed her aside, and unlocked the door.

  She grabbed the rear door and jumped into the back seat, closing the door before Dante realised what had happened.

  “For fuck’s sake, get out!” he yelled.

  “No,” she said, flicking the lock before he could stop her.

  He angled his arm around the driver’s door and unlocked it, then pulled it open before she could prevent him. He bent over her, trying to undo her seatbelt. She smacked at his hands, yelling at him to stop.

  “Beth, get out!”

  “No! You’re taking me.”

  He undid the seatbelt and grabbed her, ready to pull her out but she started kicking and screaming. He let go. “I don’t have time for your shit, I hafta help my brother.”

  “Then lemme stay. I’ll phone the police on the way, while you drive.”

  “You can’t come, it could be dangerous.”

  “The police will get there before us, and if you don’t lemme stay I’ll scream so loud that Mr Murphy will phone them. He’s out front again.”

  Dante looked over at the property two doors down where Mr Murphy was heading for his front door, half-hobble, half-run. Jesus, the old coot was a right pain in his arse. He looked back at Beth. “And you’re a pain in my arse too.”

  “Too bad.” She climbed into the front, settling into the passenger seat.

  “Okay, fuckin’ stay, but don’t talk to me on the way there, this is about Ash, not me or you.”

  She nodded as he got in. Dante started the car and backed out, heading for the Waipoua Forest.

  34

  Ash

  Ash moaned as consciousness hit him. Lines of pain stretched out from his forehead and curved around his closed eyes like Dante’s face tattoo. He turned his head as a fly tickled his cheek. The tickling turned into gentle strokes, the touch of nails making him realise it was a person caressing his face.

  “Lemme sleep, Beth,” he muttered.

  “You have another woman?”

  Ash’s eyes flashed open. Chaz was sitting on the bed staring down at him, the look in his eyes hungry. Ash tried to move away, but found his hands and legs tied to the bed, just this time without... His gaze shot to his bare chest, then lowered to his underwear, relieved that at least he was still wearing them. And there was no pain below, so Chaz hadn’t fucked him. He didn’t believe in God, but right at that moment a prayer of thanks formed in his mind.

  “Do you have more than one woman, Dante?” Chaz asked.

  Ash started shaking his head, the movement hurting it, but he couldn’t stop himself, the memory of what Chaz had said he’d do to Dante making him panic. “I’m not Dante, please, I’m not Dante.”

  Chaz smiled, although it didn’t reach his eyes. “Begging now, Dante?”

  “You know I’m not him.”

  “Well, I’m gonna call you Dante until you prove you’re Ash, which means you hafta be nice to me to do it. And I’ve also come up with a new plan. Every time you attack or do something that upsets me I’m gonna take a piece of your clothing off.” Chaz sneered. “And you can clearly see you’ve only got your gruds left. So, guess what I’ll be looking at?”

  “I won’t cause trouble, I promise,” Ash said, his eyes locked onto Chaz’s hand hovering over his groin.

  “Good, cos you’ve given me a huge headache.” Chaz pointed to the bump on his forehead. “Which I should pay you back for.”

  Ash’s gaze flashed up to Chaz. “You did, you suffocated me,” raped me, killed my mother... which means I should pay you back with death.<
br />
  “Guess so, but I’m still hurting, you’re not.”

  “My forehead hurts.”

  “That’s your own fault.” He touched Ash’s cheek, making him flinch. “And stop bloody flinching, cos it’s pissing me off.”

  “I can’t help it.”

  Chaz’s upper lip twitched in irritation. “You know, I didn’t think things would be like this when I got out. Yeah, I thought you’d resist me to start with, but once I’d explained that I never meant to harm you or your mother, I thought you’d settle down. Stupid, I know, but I wanted you so friggin’ bad.”

  “I want Tiana and my family.”

  “I’m part of your family.”

  Ash bit the inside of his cheek to stop from yelling at Chaz that he wasn’t, but he knew he had to play things differently, because every time he attacked the psycho he came off worse.

  “Yes, you’re my family,” Ash lied.

  A smile lit up Chaz’s face. “Yeah, I am. I used to do everything for you and the others: cook, clean, take you places, and I loved watching your rugby games; you were really good at dodging people, fast too. Do you remember that time you dodged every player who came at you and scored a try? You almost ran across the whole damn field, it was impressive. You got player of the day and I took the family out to Pizza Hut to celebrate.”

  Ash nodded, even though all he wanted to do was to head-butt Chaz, but that wouldn’t get him anywhere, because he was still tied to the bed where Chaz could do anything to him and he couldn’t do shit to stop him, the bloody ropes so tight they dug into his flesh.

  Chaz’s smile widened. “I used to like doing things for you the most. I thought we could have the same arrangement, which means you don’t hafta lift a finger, cos I’ll take care of everything.” He brushed Ash’s fringe aside.

  Ash clamped down everything inside of him to stop from flinching.

  “Would you like me to take care of you again?” Chaz asked.

  Ash nodded, again wanting to head-butt him.

  “I wish you meant it.”

  “I do,” so you can take these fuckin’ ropes offa me as well as the chain.