by Lucy Rinaldi
“Nothing, I was just thinking how could you have felt the same things I felt? From the first moment I set eyes on you in that apartment, I knew, I just knew I wanted you, that I wanted to fix you, to make you better. I wanted to love you from that moment and I’m almost sure that I did. I kept coming around just so I could see you, even if it was only for a few moments. I said yes when Sam asked me to move in because I’d be closer to you, I’d be able to see you every day. Then in that bathroom looking at you in that mirror, so sad and ashamed of who you are, I just wanted to show you that you were beautiful, because you are, Mercy, you’re so beautiful” He cups my face with his right hand, I lean into his touch, taking his hand in mine and pressing it against my face hard. “At the cabin when I thought you were leaving me, even though we weren’t together, it was killing me. I didn’t want you to leave and I would have done anything to make you stay”
“I didn’t want to leave; I thought it was for the best”
“I know. I’m glad you stayed because look at us now. I am so in love with you, Mercy. I never thought I could feel like this about anyone. You’ve brought me back to life”
“And you have me, too, Blake” How is it possible after only a few weeks of knowing somebody that you can be so in love with them and can’t see your life without them in it? I wish I could fully believe what he’s saying. But I’ve had such a shit life with men, they’ve all turned out to be lying bastards, and each one has ended up beating me. I don’t think I could cope if Blake turned out to be the same as them.
“Mercy, will you tell me about Elijah?” I suddenly feel sick, tell him about Elijah? Tell him what? Everything, all the things he’s done to me, how he hurt me, humiliate and belittled me? I don’t think I can, he’d look at me differently, I know he would. “I... I can’t, everything will change”
“Why do you say that?”
“If you knew everything you’d leave me, you’d think differently about me. Just please, Blake. Maybe one day, but not today” He looks at me with a look of desperate longing, a need to know the facts, but I can’t tell him, not yet. “Please, Blake”
“Whatever you had to tell me would never make me think differently about you Mercy; you’re the love of my life. I just want to heal you, but if you’re not ready to talk about what happened then okay, I won’t ask any more questions. Just know that I love you, baby girl”
Engulfing me in his arms, he pulls me down onto the mattress so we’re both lying down; tucking my hair behind my ear he kisses my nose. “I love you, too, so very much, Dr. Blake”
“I know you do” He says with a throaty kind of laugh. He smiles down at me then kissing me on the lips, before turning over and switching out the night light, and then turning back to me. He pulls me onto his chest and wraps his arms around me. I entwine my legs with his as he strokes my back with his beautiful long fingers, and for the first time ever it doesn’t make me cringe, I don’t know why but when he touches my back I don’t feel like screaming. “Go to sleep, baby, it’s very late. Remember, I’m here and no one can hurt you”
“I wish we didn’t have to go home tomorrow. I wish it could be just me and you for a while longer”
“Ssshh. Sleep”
“Good night, Blake. I love you”
“I love you, too” Sleep drifts over me again; I just hope I can keep my demon at bay...
~ ~ ~
I’m awoken suddenly by the sound of my cell ringing, it’s the first time its rang since Elijah called me on Friday. Or at least it’s the first time I’ve noticed it ring since then, what with everything that’s been going on I just haven’t cared to notice. I half expect he’s called me a million and one times since I stood him up, and no doubt I’ll have some very angry text from him. But it’s only now in the quiet of the early morning that I hear it ringing. I jump out of bed and rummage through my bag, I really don’t want to wake Blake, he looks so peaceful sleeping there on his stomach with his hands curled under his pillow hugging it against his face. Finally! I pull it out of my bag not bothering to look who’s calling, because I know it’s only him! I don’t want to answer, but I know if I don’t he’ll keep calling, and if I switch off my phone he’ll find some other way to contact me, and I don’t want that. I half wonder why he hasn’t tried contacting me like he normally would, but my thoughts are halted for now as I answer my cell. “Yes? What?” I snap, because to be quite honest, I’m not in the damn mood! For some reason I always feel braver on the end of the phone, maybe it’s because I know he can’t get me down the phone.
“Is that any way to speak to your father?” Oh fuck! What the hell does he want? My father’s the last person I expected to be calling me, and the last person I want to speak to!
“Papa?” I know it’s him, he just told me, so I have no idea why I asked if it was him. “Because you’re dumb” The bitch in my head is starting to piss me off big time!
“I’ve been trying to call you for the past two days. Why haven’t you been answering my calls?” Ugh, I hate him, I hate his stupid Italian accent and his stupid accusatory tone making me feel like a naughty child! But this is one man I can’t stand up to, not even on the phone.
“I’m sorry, papa, I’ve been really busy helping my friend move house” I know it’s a lie and I shouldn’t be lying but I can’t tell him the truth.
“How are you and Elijah?” Oh crap! He doesn’t know Elijah and I are no longer together and I’m now with Dr. Blake. I can’t tell him because he’d flip; he thinks Elijah’s the greatest thing alive. Plus, I don’t want him questioning me about Blake.
“He’s fine, papa. I’m fine. We’re both fine”
“That is good to hear”
“Dad, what’s this about? You never call just to ask how Elijah and me are. So what is it this time?” I know it’s something he only ever calls me when he needs me to do something, something I never want to do, but I know it’s the only way to keep my dad happy and my vile secrets just that, secret!
“I need you to come home to Italy for a week or so, there is something I need your help with” I fucking knew it! There’s always something! Jesus, how did this man become my father? He should never have been allowed children; he doesn’t know the meaning of the word father! A father is supposed to love and protect you from all evil in this world, not my father, no all I am to him is a money maker, a deal closer, a nothing worth very much woman!
“No, papa, I can’t, I have work and commitments that I can’t get out of just like that” My voice is nothing but a scared whisper. I’m not going down this path again, not now I have Blake, I can’t, I love him so deeply, I’d never live with myself after knowing what I’d done. I won’t do that to us, to him my beautiful savior, my Dr. Blake.
“No? You think you have a choice, Mercedes? This is no fucking request it’s an order! I want you here tomorrow morning at the latest. If you’re not here I will come and get you myself and your friends, boyfriend, even your work colleagues will be getting a little present” His tone scares the crap out of me, because I know he’s not joking and I’d die if anyone found out, I mean literally die!
“Maybe they already know?” Oh, this is brave what the hell am I thinking?
“They don’t Mercedes; if they did, you’d be alone. Because they would have all left you, just like everyone left your mother when they found out what she really was. And there you’ll be all alone until you die. The sad pathetic waste of life that you’ve led will be over in the blink of an eye, with no one to mourn you” Shit! Harsh much? I don’t want to die like my mother, I don’t want to die alone. “Be a good girl for papa and come home. sì?”
“Sì, papa,” He makes me feel so worthless; my own damn father makes me feel like nothing! I hate the hold he has over me; I’m still as trapped as ever, always at the mercy of one evil controlling man or another. I’m never able to really escape them. No, this is it for me, I know that deep down, this is all I’m ever going to be good for, a plaything for seedy men. I could wake h
im, Blake, my beautiful sleeping prince and tell him everything, but I can’t do that my father’s right, he’d leave and never look back, and I can’t lose him not now I’ve found him. “Ha, you’ll lose him anyway, you’re a dumb whore you’ll trip up sooner or later. Plus, he’s got video evidence, you think no one’s gonna see that? Then you really are as crazy as your dead mother was” The voice in my head snapping the truth at me once again. “He’ll use it to his advantage you know this” I shake her off I can’t do this with her right now. Nagging bitch!
“Good girl. I will see you tomorrow”
“Sì, Ciao, papa”
“Ciao Bambino” He hangs up the phone and I’m left clutching my stomach, I feel so sick. I’m stood frozen to the spot for a few moments before I realize what I have to do. I walk quickly and quietly to the bathroom, really hoping Blake doesn’t wake up. I showered in record time, then brushed my teeth in even quicker time, making my gums bleed slightly. I then dried myself as fast as I could, I need to be out of here before Blake wakes up and stops me going because truth is, if he asked me not to leave I wouldn’t. But I know I have to. My stomachs doing back flips and I’m shaking up a storm, I’m really scared and nervous all at the same time. I walked back into the bedroom and rifled through my bag, grabbing black panties and bra I pulled them on as quickly as I could. I then reached for my black leggings with the gold studs down the outside of the legs. They were on in seconds, as is my black camisole and black flats. I think the color reflects the mood I’m in right now? Combing my hair roughly I pulled it into a ponytail and bed, my stuff that’s discarded around the room, stuffing it into my bag as I go. Finally, I’m ready to go... Well, almost just one last thing I need to do. I grab my bag and my jacket and run into the living area of the hotel room. I drop my stuff on the couch and search for a pen and some paper, I need to at least write Blake a note to let him know I didn’t run out on him not after everything we said to each other last night, and the promises we made. Finally, I find what I’m looking for on the desk in the corner of the room next to the large open fire; I sit down on the small chair behind the desk and write my sweet prince a note.
Dear Blake, please don’t be angry, but I had to leave suddenly in the night. My father has been taken ill in Italy. I have to go to him, Blake.
I didn’t have the heart to wake you. You looked so beautiful in such a peaceful sleep. Forgive me?
I needed to get the first flight to Italy. It’s only for a week or so, just until my father is out of the danger zone and well enough for me to leave him.
I’ll miss you every second of every day.
I love you more than words could ever say, my sweet prince, my love, my life... my everything.
Please take care while I’m gone, and explain to Sam and Alex for me?
Work hard, but not too hard. Don’t let some other girl turn your head... it would literally break me.
See you soon, baby.
Always yours, Mercedes. Ti Amo Xoxo
I looked the note over twice before I decided it was fine. I folded it carefully and put it in an envelope that’s sitting on top of the sheets of paper. I sealed it and scrawled his name across the front and then kiss it. I get up and walk back into the bedroom, placing the note next to him on what was my pillow gently. I walk round to his side of the bed. I can’t believe he’s still sleeping. I bend down and kiss his cheek softly and breathe him in, god I’m gonna miss him so much, I only hope he never finds out what I’m about to do. I touch his face with my fingertips and kiss him one last time before I whisper into his ear that I love him, he mumbles some thing’s in his sleep and smiles. I don’t want to leave him, but I force myself out of that room out of the hotel and into a taxi. I sink into the back seat and sigh. Italy here I come!
~ ~ ~
Chapter Twelve.
I hate flying, take offs and landings. Hell, even just being in the air scares the crap out of me, although it’s not all that bad in first class, apart for the old man sitting next to me who’s done nothing but tell me how beautiful I am, and how I have the most amazing dark brown eyes he’s ever seen, for the past three hours. He must be at least seventy and British by the sound of his accent, even though I can’t exactly place which British accent it is that he has. His arm is pressed against mine, while his hands rest on his thighs, rubbing them up and down every so often. His age shows through his dress sense, all light brown suit pants pulled up so his sock are visible inside black dress shoes, and an English soccer shirt. I look at the badge on the left breast of the red and white material, the team seems familiar, kind of like the team my brother Robbie supports. But I can’t remember the name. “Manchester United” He says proudly with a big smile on his face. I nod as if I knew all along whom they were, even though he can see I’m obviously clueless. He laughs a chesty, I’ve-smoked-too-many-cigarettes-in-my-life laugh. “You know who David Beckham is, don’t you?”
“Um, kinda. I think. I mean I have perfume with his wife’s name on it, but I don’t remember what he looks like” I should have paid more attention to my brother Robbie when he tried to explain soccer to me. He’s mentioned David Beckham a few times, but I’m not a soccer fan so I never really listened to him.
“Well, he used to play for this team” He points at the badge on his shirt. “a few years ago. Manchester United has never been the same without him” And I care why? Jeez, old men can really go on about unimportant things. I nod again a yeah-that’s-nice kind of nod, and then turn my head toward the window away from his wandering eyes and close mine. I think he got the message because I didn’t hear him again, or it might be the fact I’m falling asleep.
I’m back home in Orange County with my mother, she’s crying in her room again! Why is she crying? She’s always crying. “Mommy, please don’t cry, daddy loves you he told me so” But she cries more.
“Get Out!” Why does she always yell at me? I wish she would love me like she used to. I wish I had a mom like all my friends, one who loves me more than anything in this world. I wish I had a mother that would smile, a mother that would tell me that I’m everything to her, a mom that plays with me, a mom that cared if I was safe. I wish I had a mom that held me close to her at night when I was afraid. But I’m not lucky enough to have a mom like that.
“Mommy!” I yell, but she’s fading into the background...
And I’m here with my Papa; mommy’s sitting on the couch, and they’re mad at each other. I hide behind the door, it’s open just a crack and I can see through it, he’s yelling at her again. “You are one worthless whore, why would any man want you now? You’re washed up and pathetic, and I have no further use for you!”
“Roberto, please” She gets to her feet to face him, she puts her hand on his lower arm, but he pushes her away; she’s no longer the woman he fell in love with, no longer the young slim long haired brunette with the beautiful brown eyes. She’s but a shadow of that now.
“I’m taking your daughter from you Hollie; maybe she can do the job you couldn’t!”
“No, Roberto! Please, she’s just a child!” She’s crying, and he hits her so hard that she hits the floor with one almighty thud!
“Mommy...!” I scream at the top of my lungs, but she’s fading again, out of view and into the darkness...
I’m now in a strange place, my papa walks out of the big room full of strange furniture and a big fire. There’s a very big bed in the middle of the room, with white sheets and lots of pillows. The light is dim, and in front of me is a big man, overweight and sweaty, dressed in a dark blue suit, white shirt and blue tie. He has dark hair and an unkindly face. I’m scared because I don’t understand what he’s saying; he speaks like papa when he talks to his friends. I understand the language, but not the words he’s speaking. It’s like they have their own way of talking so that no one else can understand them, or maybe I’m just too scared to understand what he wants from me. I start to cry because I feel sick, I want my mommy, my stomach hurts. He walks up to me takes my h
and and leads me to the bed!
“No...!”
“Miss? Miss, are you okay?”
Shit!
The air stewardess shakes me out of my nightmarish sleep. “Um... yes. Thank you,” I sit up in my seat. Jesus, thank God it was just a nightmare, just the past, it can’t hurt me now, and nothing like that’s going to happen to me again, not now I’m older, not now I’m stronger... But am I?
“Would you like some water, Miss.? You’re very pale” She asks me all smiles and bright white teeth.
“Yes, please. Thank you” She nods and smiles again, and then trots off to get me some water. Shit, I’m shaking I haven’t had that dream in a long time! I can’t let it get to me. Goddammit, why did it have to resurface now, and on a plane of all places? Fuck it, everyone’s staring at me, I’m so embarrassed. I try and hide my face behind my hand. The old man next to me gives me a half smile, then looks back at his paper. I just close my eyes wishing I could disappear...
I was so thankful when the plane touched down at Leonardo DA Vinci-Fiumicino Airport. I can’t wait to run from the prying eyes of all those passengers, who have done nothing but whisper about me for the past four hours. I got through customs with no problems; I guess it’s the beauty of having dual citizenship, both American and Italian. Walking out of arrivals I noticed one of my dads cars here to pick me up; I noticed it straight away by the distinctive license plate MORETTI! Always plastered on all of my dads cars. A nice gentleman who looks to be in his early thirties gets out to greet me. “Afternoon, madam Moretti”
“Hi.” I said with a smile. “Who are you?” I ask.
He looks at me confused. “I’m Alexander” He said after a beat. “I’ll be your driver while you’re here. If you need anything please feel free to ask me” Wow, his English is really good, for once I’ll get to talk to someone other than myself while I’m here.
“Nice to meet you, Alexander. Please call me Mercedes, as it’s my name” I smile as he takes my bag.