Love You to Death

by Melissa March

  “No. I want you to have my name. I want us to be a family.”

  “We are. We don’t need a piece of paper to tell us that.”

  “That’s a cop out. It isn’t just a piece of paper. It’s a binding promise to each other.” Then he added, “I don’t need a license to know how to drive, but it’s nice to have it in case I get pulled over.”

  “That’s not the same,” I huffed, knowing he was giving me two lectures in one because I refused to get a license too.

  “It is! I want the world to know that Arden Elliott is my woman,” he said, eyes snapping.

  “So it’s about me being your possession, a matter of male pride? I’m not a horse, Gideon. You don’t own me.”

  Gideon spit and sputtered, sliding from Midas Touch to pace back and forth in front of the horse before he tethered him to the fence. “Dang it, woman! I don’t wanna own you. I wanna love you and protect you for the rest of my life.”

  “You’re a good man, Charlie Brown.” I forced a smile. It broke my heart to keep telling him no.

  He finished tying the horse and came to stand in front of me. He grabbed me by the arms, hauling me from Sampson, giving me a light shake. “Don’t you love me, Arden? Aren’t you happy here?”

  I swallowed the lump rising in my throat. Didn’t I love him? With all my heart. That’s why I was still lying to him.

  I raised my gloved hand to brush the hair out of his eyes that the sporadic wind kept pushing forward. “I love you more than life itself, Gideon Shepherd. And the only way you’ll ever be rid of me is if you tell me you don’t want me anymore.”

  Lightning quick he crushed me to his chest. The cold metal buttons of his coat pressed into my cheek.

  “Then why? Why won’t you marry me?”

  He sounded like a little boy who’d been told he couldn’t ride his bike in the street. It’s for your own good, I thought.

  “Can’t we just wait?” I leaned back to look into those shining eyes. “Just a little while longer. What’s the rush?”

  He took a deep breath, held it for a second, then let it out slowly.

  “Fine, I’ll wait until Valentine’s Day. Then I’ll want an answer.” His voice was stern.

  We rode back to the house in silence. Both of us lost in our thoughts, surrounded by the beautiful rolling hills, blanketed in white, specked with evergreens here and there under a ceiling of bright blue. I’d really grown to love the wide open skies and unfettered land. I didn’t miss the city at all anymore.

  My stomach grumbled. I was starving. It seems like all I did was eat these days. I needed to cut back on my food intake. My pants were tight. Even now I had the top button undone under my coat.

  Gideon shot me a surprised look. “Was that your stomach?”

  I blushed in answer. He threw his head back, issuing a loud rumbling laugh. “Lord Almighty, you just had breakfast.”

  “I know! It’s insane,” I grumbled.

  “Let’s head back,” he said, giving me a leg up, groaning with exaggeration, pretending I was a heavy load. I reached out and gave him a love tap to the back of the head. Laughing, we raced back to the house. When we reached the stables, Gideon helped me off Sampson.

  “Go on,” he said. “I got this.”

  I reached up, placing a firm kiss on his mouth, and then pivoted around. Gideon swatted my behind. I threw him a pretend disgruntled look and kept walking.

  The house was a warm and waiting oasis. I came in through the kitchen, shed my thick winter parka and knee high boots, and made a bee line to the stove. There was a pot of chili simmering on the stove. I pressed a hand to my belly. It was hard. I gave it a quick pat.

  “Feeding time at the zoo,” I said out loud to the empty kitchen.

  Spooning a healthy portion of chili into a bowl I grabbed the bag of Fritos from the cupboard and sat down. Gideon came in when I was chewing the last bite and setting the bowl in the upper rack of the dishwasher.

  He raised curious brow, but said nothing.

  “Want some?” I asked.

  “Is there any left?” He grunted, using the toe of his one boot to slide the other off.

  “Smarty pants.”

  A few hours later I was suffering the worst heartburn in the history of the human race. I rummaged in my medicine cabinet, finding nothing but Tylenol and toothpaste. I picked through Gideon’s and found the same stuff, along with his razor and shaving cream.

  I stomped downstairs. Sissy was emerging from the bathroom hidden under the stairs.

  “Good Lord above, gal, you got the step of a Clydesdale.”

  I ignored her, asking my own question. “Isn’t there a bottle of Tums in this whole house?”

  Sissy eyed me thoughtfully for a minute then stepped back into the bathroom and came out with the familiar blue container, which she handed to me. I immediately popped the top and chewed two tablets, waiting for the relief.

  Sissy was still staring at me.

  “What? I ate chili earlier and it isn’t agreeing with me.”

  “Never bothered you before.” She followed me into the family room. “You got a cast iron stomach.”

  “Maybe I caught a bug or something.” I stretched out on the sofa, grabbing the remote with one hand and hugging the Tums in the other.

  “When was your last period?” she asked, easing into the recliner beside me.

  That brought me up short. “What does that have to do with heartburn?”

  “You been tired since before Thanksgiving, now you’re eatin’ like a hog and gettin’ heartburn almost like clockwork.”

  “So?” I said, sitting up on the sofa, pushing down the panic rising like bile in my throat.

  “You think I’ve been on this earth as long as I have and can’t recognize the signs of pregnancy?” she said sagely.

  I sucked in a breath. Pregnant? Me? I couldn’t be. Gideon and I were careful. Very careful. My mind raced to remember all the times we had been together. I groaned. There was that one night we went for a midnight swim down at Miller’s pond. It was one of those Indian summer days that came late in the season. It was unusually warm and muggy so we drove out there to cool off and ended up fooling around.

  “I can’t—”

  “Course ya can. You are. I’d bet my best horse on it.” She leaned forward in the chair, arms braced on her knees. “You didn’t know?”

  I looked into her face. She didn’t believe that. She thought I was hiding it. I could see the suspicion written between her wrinkles plain as day.

  “I’ve never been regular. I didn’t think anything of it...” My mind was collapsing under this revelation. A baby. Gideon’s baby. For the briefest moment I allowed myself to feel the incredible joy of having this baby. I hoped he had his father’s beautiful whiskey brown eyes. Then reality came crashing down. Now I would have to come clean and tell them the truth. There would be no getting out of it now.

  Would they all hate me? Before I could stop them, tears filled my eyes, coursing down my cheeks.

  “What am I going to do?” I cried into my hands.

  Sissy got up and sat on the couch. She took me in her frail arms, rocking me like a baby. I’d never seen Sissy maternal before. She was good at it.

  “Don’t you worry. I think he’ll be thrilled about bein’ a daddy. Gideon’s been after you to marry him for a while now. I think this’ll cinch it for him.”

  “No.” I cried harder. “I can’t.”

  “Can’t or won’t?” she said sharply, jerking back. “I know you got secrets, girlie. Best you tell them now before someone gets so hurt it can’t be fixed.”

  Her eyes drilled into mine until I had to look away.

  “You just tell me this.” She grabbed me by the chin, forcing me to look at her. “Do you love him?”

  “Yes!” So much.

  Her grim face softened, fractionally.

  “This secret you’re keepin’, that’s why you can’t marry him?”

  My head barely moved forwar
d. Sissy pinched her lips together, thinking. “You gotta tell him. You can’t go into a relationship with secrets. It’ll bite ya in the butt later. Believe me.”

  “I’m scared.”

  “Well, get unscared. You want this baby?”

  “Yes.” I splayed my fingers over the bump I’d mistaken for overeating.

  “Then you’re gonna have to tell Gideon. You owe it to him to at least tell him why you can’t marry him.”

  Wearily, I closed my eyes, letting my head fall back onto the arm of the sofa.

  “Are you mad at me?” I asked, keeping my eyes closed so I couldn’t see if she was.

  “Mad? About the baby?”

  I nodded.

  “You got some strange notions.” She snorted. “I’m gonna be a grandma again. We haven’t had a baby in this house since Cort was born. Don’t get me wrong. I wished you’d have done it the right way. Ya know, get married then have a baby, but worse things have happened. You’re both mature for your age, both been through some real bad times. I’ll tell ya the truth, you and Gideon are more grounded than Hal and I were at your ages.” She stood up, sighing wistfully. “Nah, I ain’t mad. But you break my boy’s heart and I might be.”

  “I love him. I really do. I don’t want to break his heart.”

  “Alright then, I guess we need to get you into town. I’ll call Doc Rondell, get ya an appointment.” She walked to the doorway and paused. Turning to me she said, “I’m not tellin’ anybody anything til you do. Maybe you ought to wait until after the doctor visit to tell Gideon.”

  “Okay,” I agreed whole heartedly. I needed time to let my own shock wear off before I told Gideon.

  * * * *

  According to the doctor I was four months along. Little baby Shepherd was due the first week of July. Doctor Lida Rondell was in her mid-forties. She congratulated me and sent me home with a prescription for prenatal vitamins and a binder full of instructions and magazines. I dropped off the prescription and climbed into the truck.

  My palms were sweaty and slipped from the steering wheel a few times. I was driving without a license, which sent Gideon through the roof every time I did it, but I had to this time. I didn’t want anyone to know about the baby. Not until I told Gideon first.

  A flash of sun glinted off a store front window. I glanced in the general direction. My breath hitched. My heart stopped beating for a split second then almost galloped up my throat. Blond tufts of hair, dark sunglasses... I slowed down for a yellow light, craning my neck to see the pedestrians I’d just passed.

  Nothing. I didn’t see a blond man in dark glasses walking down the street or standing anywhere. I made myself take deep breaths—just my overactive imagination. I was dealing with a very sensitive situation; my stress level was a little high. I was seeing things. There was no way Cass knew where I was.

  The light turned green and I continued home.

  Lucky for me, Gideon wasn’t home. I pulled the truck around back and let myself into the kitchen. Aurora was tying on an apron, getting ready to make dinner.

  “Hey there, sugar.” She kissed my cheek. “Where ya been?”

  “In town, I had a few errands,” I said, trying to conceal the bag.

  “I’m making meatloaf for dinner, your favorite,” she smiled.

  Aurora was such a good-hearted person.

  “Great. Let me go put this stuff away and I’ll help.”

  I rushed up the stairs to my room. I hid the bag in the closet. Turning to leave, I caught my reflection in the full length mirror. I lifted my shirt. My stomach was still relatively flat, but there was a puffed little mound right in the middle that gave away the life forming inside of me.

  “Hang in there, baby,” I said caressing my belly. “I promise I’ll take good care of you.”

  * * * *

  Sissy eyed me like a hawk from her seat at the head of the table. I squirmed in my chair. Tonight I was going to spill the beans and she knew it.

  I was nervous. I picked at my meatloaf.

  “Is your dinner okay?” Aurora asked.

  JD, Cort, and Maggie stopped talking to look at me. Gideon had a forkful of mashed potatoes lifted to his opened mouth but lowered it back to his plate, waiting for my answer. I cast a helpless look at Sissy.

  “She was snackin’ again,” Sissy said, tearing into a dinner roll. “I told her not to spoil her dinner.”

  “Ah, well, sugar, I know you’ll be hungry later. I’ll wrap your leftovers and put them in the fridge.” Aurora gave me a conspiratorial wink. Did Sissy tell her? My eyes flew to Sissy. She shrugged at me.

  “I think you need to switch to chewing gum,” Maggie said, nibbling a baby carrot. “Your looks’ll be gone before ya know it. No need to help the inevitable.”

  “Margaret,” JD said in warning.

  “Oh, Daddy, Arden knows what I’m sayin’. Right?” She speared another carrot.

  “Yeah, I do need to watch what I eat. I’ve been overdoing it lately.” I reached for my glass of tea, swallowing large gulps.

  Maggie gave JD an I-told-you-so look. JD shook his head. Stewie looked from person to person, completely oblivious.

  “Women,” JD muttered.

  “In fact,” I said, pushing my chair back. “I think I’m going to go lay down.”

  “Again?” Cort said, licking his fork. “You sure got lazy the last few weeks.”

  “Shut up, Cort,” Gideon said. He was studying me now, scrutinizing me with his doctor vision. “You okay?”

  “Mmhmm. Fine,” I said trying to dispel the concern creeping into his countenance. He pushed his chair away from the table, standing. “I’ll take you upstairs.”

  “I’ll take care of your dishes,” Aurora smiled.

  “Thanks,” I murmured.

  Gideon took me by the hand and led me upstairs. In my room I changed into my thermal sleep set before padding down the hall to Gideon’s room. He was lounging against a pyramid of pillows. I slid under the covers and snuggled into the crook of his arm, laying my face on his chest, over his heart.

  We lay there, listening to each other breathe for I don’t know how long. He bent his head to kiss the top of my head.

  “Everything alright?” he asked.

  “Yeah, sure.”

  I’m pregnant. Great. Now all I had to do is say it out loud.

  “You’ve been distracted lately.”

  “Have I?”

  “Whatever it is, you can talk to me.” He gave me a gentle squeeze.

  Here goes...

  “I...uh...I do want to tell you something,” I stammered.

  He slid his arm from around my shoulders, propping himself up.

  “I’m all ears.” He grinned.

  I blew out a breath, my fingers twisting in the sheet. Gideon laid his free hand over them.

  “You’re scarin’ me, babe.”

  “Sorry.” I blew out another breath and another. Finally I said, “You never said how you felt about kids.”

  “Kids?” He looked confused.

  “Yeah, do you want them?” I avoided looking at him. Instead, I stared at the rich burgundy comforter.

  “Yes, absolutely, someday I want a whole houseful of them, after we’re married.”

  I closed my eyes. Oh God! He wouldn’t want our baby now.

  “Hey...hey...What’s all this about?” He swiped a tear as it ran down my cheek.

  “Oh, Gideon, please don’t hate me.” I wept. He gathered me into his arms.

  “I could never hate you.” He kissed each of my eyelids.

  “I’m having a baby.” I sniffled into his chest.

  “What?” He went so still I thought maybe he passed out.

  I opened my eyes, pushing myself up from him. He was grinning like the village idiot. He jumped from the bed with a “Yeah!” that vibrated off the walls. Then he jumped back into the bed and smothered me with kisses that trailed to my stomach.

  “Hello, baby,” he cooed into my belly. “I’m your Daddy.”
/>
  He was excited! I laced my fingers into his wavy hair, relieved.

  “I guess it’s safe enough now to tell you I noticed you’d put on a few pounds?” He chuckled.

  I smacked his shoulder playfully.

  “How long have you known?”

  “A week, but I went to the doctor today.”

  “When?”

  “Around lunchtime—”

  “No. I mean when is he comin’?”

  “Oh. Uh, the baby is due the first week of July.”

  “That’s great. We could have a Fourth of July baby.”

  He scooted up beside me, getting back under the covers. He nuzzled my neck, humming a few bars of Brahms’s Lullaby.

  “We’ll turn the guest room next door into a nursery,” he said. “Maybe we’ll do a sports theme.”

  “Why are you so sure it’s a boy?”

  “Because all the first-born Shepherd babies are boys.” He reached out to turn off the lamp. Moonlight spilled through the window, crisscrossing over the bed in a checker pattern.

  “Well, the Elliotts have girls,” I said.

  “I don’t care if it’s a boy or a girl. I’ll love either one because it’ll be a part of you,” he said, hugging me close. A second later I felt his lips moving over mine in a sweet symphony of kisses.

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  “C’mon little Mama,” Maggie chirped. She was juggling several shopping bags in each hand while sipping from a Starbucks cup. We were shopping for shoes—my feet were swelling early according to Aurora—and Maggie was buying everything in sight.

  The last month had been a blur. The family was ecstatic over the news. Aurora said she had it figured out by the time I had my doctor’s appointment. “A woman knows, sugar.” She’d laughed.

  Stewie thought this was going to be his little baby brother or sister. He didn’t get the dynamics or the fact that I wasn’t his mother so my baby couldn’t be his sibling. I gave up and let him think what he wanted.

  “Can we sit? My feet are killing me,” I whined, parking my expanding butt on a cold iron bench.

  “I guess so.” Maggie flopped down beside me, dumping the bags at her feet. I took a careful sip of my decaf latte, scanning the other shoppers passing by.