by London Casey
Dinner…
More homemade chicken soup. With crackers.
It was so good, though. There was a little deli down the street where everything was made from scratch. I fully believed the soup somehow healed me. Unless Eve put some hippie oils or spices in the soup.
Whatever it was, it was good.
I ate and looked at the clock. It was already the end of the day. I had a bunch of messages to reply to wishing me a happy birthday. Online, it was a zoo. Amazing how people spent time wishing happy birthday to someone they were barely friends with. And I felt obligated for some reason to reply to them all.
What a way to spend a day off.
I made a cup of hot tea and got on the couch.
That’s when Paige texted me.
You faked sick. ;)
I smirked. Then I took a no-makeup-been-throwing-up selfie and replied.
Paige texted back.
Nasty.
I wrote back - Thx
I tilted my head back and took a deep breath. I planned on sleeping on the couch. Then in the morning I could wash my sheets and pretend nothing ever happened.
I’m stuck with Eve alone. She put some kind of healing flower on what was supposed to be your sleeping bag. Totally weird.
I laughed.
Then I wrote back - Have fun. I’ll be on the couch. Alone. Yawn.
I hit send and then started to type something else when there was a knock at the door.
It wasn’t Paige. It wasn’t Eve.
Maybe someone sent me something for my birthday.
Great.
I forced myself to stand.
There was a knock again.
There was nothing I could to try and make myself look different. I looked how I looked and that was that.
I made it to the door and opened it, truly not prepared for what was waiting.
When I saw his face, one thought came to mind.
Five years.
It had been five years since I’d last seen him. Five years since he disappeared and broke my heart. Five years since I last felt whole. Five years since I last felt love.
I mouthed the words.
Five years.
And just like the previous times in my life, he appeared on my birthday.
“Lily,” he whispered. “I…”
“Aiden,” I whispered.
I hadn’t spoken his name in…
Five years.
He always came crashing back into my life. Every five years.
Except this time was different.
I looked down.
This time he had a kid with him.
Chapter 4
(A Lily on the Windshield)
10 YEARS AGO
(LILY)
I cut a small sliver from Rosemary’s birthday cake and licked my lips. The smell of the coffee seemed to swirl perfectly with the sweetness of the cake, meeting somewhere in my nose and sending signals to my brain and my belly.
I kept it close that it was also my birthday. I didn’t want to steal the thunder away from Rosemary. She had been at the company so much longer than I had. Plus, my birthday really didn’t mean all that much to me. After hitting twenty-one and being able to legally buy a drink at a bar, the whole birthday thing lost its luster.
When I sat down, I let out a long sigh. The job wasn’t exactly physical but it sure as hell required a lot of movement. Using my brain, eyes, working with a lot of people, and trying to keep everyone happy and keep my numbers up. Crazy as it was, I had fallen ass backwards into the job. Who knew I was good at selling advertising?
I first took the job to clean the offices at night. And one night the manager - Sue - was with a woman named Stacy. They were arguing over sales, figures, whatever. I just kept to myself, one earbud in, dumping out trashcans that were all the same: tissues, paper, coffee cups, typical office stuff.
Then out of nowhere, Stacy called Sue a cunt and left. I was frozen as Sue stood in her doorway, eyes squinted. She looked right at me and changed my life with one question.
“Do you want to clean for the rest of your life?”
The answer was easy.
No.
Ten minutes later, Sue gave me two hundred bucks in cash and a list of people I would need to contact the next day.
The next day?
Exactly.
I showed up, dressed in a hoodie and jeans, and sat at a desk. All around me were people dressed nicely. I took notes in my mind, realizing that if I wanted to sell advertising I would need to look presentable.
Funny as it was, I made my calls - my first official cold calls - and met with three people. All three were small businesses in town, and guess what? My whole dressed-down look worked for them. On my first day of work, I signed three clients.
I had to change the way I dressed a little, but I never went full heels-and-a-dress look. I wore jeans but they didn’t have holes in them. I skipped hoodies but wore basic tops. And I settled into a position that paid me by the hour and paid me by the sale and sales after that. I think it was called passive income or something weird like that. It was how the top sales people in the company made, like, a quarter million dollars a year.
Before I knew it, I was caught up on bills and actually half thinking about getting a new apartment. All because I was cleaning garbage at the right place at the right time.
My life had always been built around the concept of fate. The good things and the bad things.
I jammed my fork into the cake and took a big bite.
Sarah came into the break room and poured herself a cup of coffee. She sat across from me and reached for an outdated magazine.
“Slow day?” she asked.
“No. Just letting my mind breathe. I never thought my brain could work this hard. I’m used to my body… that sounds weird.”
“Hooker,” Sarah said and winked.
I smiled. “This pays better.”
“That I don’t believe.”
“Go out there and try it,” I said. “You have a great body.”
Sarah laughed. “Two kids later, I don’t think my body is much of anything. Thanks, though.”
Kids. Family. A man.
Just a few of the puzzle pieces missing.
And yet there were so many guys in the office who were cute. And in the building. It was full of salesmen, lawyers, business guys. It was like a dream. But I wasn’t interested. For once in my life, I was focused on myself. I wanted to take care of me.
“You’re daydreaming again,” Sarah said. “You do that when you’re happy, huh?”
“Yeah. Sort of. I mean… I’ve never had a job like this.”
“Well, Sue loves you to death. I think you remind her of her daughter. She went off to college and just completely wasted her life. Sue has been so upset about it. She hides it, but I’ve heard her talk about it before. So, if she has her claws in you, in a good way, you’re golden. Really golden. So, enjoy it.”
“I am,” I said. “I just… I’ve never done anything for myself, you know? It’s always been about trying to survive. So to have a few dollars in my pocket, it’s weird.”
“Take care of yourself,” Sarah said. “Damn, sweetie, go out. Have a girls’ night. Pick up a guy. Who cares? Go buy a car. Buy something for yourself.”
I laughed. “I think I might get a new apartment.”
“There you go.”
“I don’t know, though.”
“Well, put it this way,” Sarah said, “why don’t you make a list… small things to big things. Big things being an apartment and a car. Then go through the small things and start treating yourself.”
“I think I will,” I said.
I stood up and grabbed my plate.
“You barely ate your cake,” Sarah said. “Please tell me you’re not some woman that pretends to eat sweets…”
“No. The cake wasn’t very good.”
Sarah smirked. “Yeah, I know. Beverly tries hard to make the cakes. Sometimes you just have to
rinse it down with coffee.”
I went back to my desk and made a few more calls and shelled out plenty more emails. Then I snuck online and started doing a little window shopping. I thought about what I should do. The right thing. Jumping into a new apartment wouldn’t be smart. But I could add some style to my current place. That would be fun. Actually get matching furniture. It was my birthday so I should get myself something, right? At the very least, treat myself to dinner. Buy an expensive bottle of wine. While I didn’t go out of my way to hold up a birthday sign, I also hadn’t heard anything from anyone about my birthday. It was almost hypocritical, but it pained me a little. The silence on my birthday just reminded me of how life had really been to me.
But it wasn’t the time to call the pity party.
I had an apartment. I had a car. I had a job. I actually had money for once. That was a big deal. So, I smiled and got back to work.
I finished my day a couple hours later. Another amazing thing about the job? There were no real hours. I could just come and go as I pleased. As long as I kept my numbers steady and on the uptick, nothing mattered. It was really like the best job ever.
When I got outside, it was still light out and it was beautiful. I already made a mental note that I would sit on the roof of the apartment building with my expensive bottle of wine and watch the stars. Put on some music and relax. Just enjoy my night.
I climbed into my car and swung my bag to the passenger seat. It was crazy that I had a bag. An actual bag with stuff inside. Not just a random pack of gum and some tampons. But a bag with business stuff. Forms, marketing material, business cards with my name on them!
I glanced at the building and smiled.
That was my birthday present.
The job.
When I looked forward, I gasped.
There was something on the windshield of my car.
For a split second I thought it was a parking ticket. Or maybe a menu from a local restaurant. But that was impossible. This wasn’t a piece of paper.
It was a flower.
I got out of the car and realized just what it was.
A lily flower. A lily on the windshield.
I grabbed the flower and looked around.
There was only one…
“No,” I whispered.
I spun around and leaned against my car.
My heart started to race. Started to pound.
My lips were trembling.
In my head, all I could hear was his voice.
My lily flower… I promise you… I’ll come back for you… just wait for me…
Chapter 5
(Just in Town)
10 YEARS AGO
(AIDEN)
I drove the van while the guys drank, smoked, and stuffed powder up their noses. Not that I gave a damn, it was my turn to drive anyway.
Richie, our drummer, climbed into the front seat next to me, a beer bottle in his hand.
“Brother, have a drink,” he said.
“No,” I said. “We have a van full of equipment, man. I can’t risk that.”
“I can’t believe we’ve been touring this long,” he said. “I’m tired. How about you?”
I smiled.
I had been tired for years. Tired and waiting. I felt like time had been thrown into a blender and fucked up. Months and years collided, only pausing on those rare days we got some time off or a memory attacked me.
Just like earlier.
How fucking crazy was it that I was in her town on her birthday? It wasn’t all that hard to track her down. So, I bought some lilies at the store and put one on her windshield. Part of me felt bad for doing that to her, but I didn’t know what else to do. Could I really just step back into her life? It had been five fucking years since I’d seen her last. When I got the call from Andy that we had to leave that night to drive up to Seattle to meet with some guy who wanted to sign the band.
I took a chance and it somewhat worked out.
But I lost my Lily.
I never tried to get in touch with her, either.
She didn’t need to see what my life had spiraled into.
I pulled the van into the motel parking lot.
Five years later and it was all the same. Playing shows for the diehard fans and then doing everything we could to scrape together enough cash to get to the next city and the next show. We hadn’t smashed into the spotlight like we had hoped. I didn’t know what to expect after half the band ended up in rehab. I was nipping at those heels for a good while until I packed my shit up and actually lived in Canada for a little while. Writing music. Writing letters to Lily. Letters she’d never see.
I buried the letters when I came back to the states.
“Our kingdom,” Richie said with a laugh.
“Hey,” I called out. “Nobody get kicked out. Okay? Seriously. I’d like to hang around here for a little bit.”
“You know, Jake wants to meet up tomorrow,” Richie said. “We gotta be there.”
I looked out the window and rubbed my chin.
I shook my head. “I don’t know, man. I’m going to rent a car and do something else.”
“What?” Richie asked. “Are you fucking kidding me?”
I looked at Richie. “Look where we are. We’re right outside our old hometown.”
“Fuck that place,” Richie said.
Andy poked his head forward. “Man, are you living in the past again?”
“No,” I said. “But I made a promise…”
“Jesus Christ,” Andy said. “Everyone makes promises when they’re teenagers.”
“I was twenty when I made my promises,” I said. “She was…”
“Five years later,” Richie said. “What do you think this is? Some cartoon of the old dog sitting outside in the rain waiting for its owner to come home?”
“I don’t know about you fucking losers but I’m tired of playing the same damn songs over and over. So I’m going to try and think of something new to write and play. Do you want to live in a van all your life?”
“No,” Richie said. “I’m going to fucking party in that motel. Tonight.”
Andy snorted and laughed.
The door at the back of the van exploded open and the guys poured out. They all grabbed a guitar and stumbled their way to the front of the motel. Richie walked around the van and leaned in on the open window.
“Are you leaving?” he asked.
I took the keys out of the ignition. I gave them to Richie. “I’ll call for a ride. I’m going to rent a car.”
“Christ.”
“If you understand it, then you’ll leave me the fuck alone about it.”
“Fair enough,” Richie said. He grabbed my shoulder. “It’s been fun. Really fun.”
I raised an eyebrow.
Richie walked away, keys in hand.
He spoke as though I was never coming back. That I was bailing on the band.
But who the fuck was I kidding…
I knew the second I found my Lily, shit was going to hit the fan and change forever.
It took me a little digging around and a few bucks here and there, but I managed to get a rental car and the address to Lily’s apartment. A rundown shit building on the southside of town, but what else would I expect? That’s where we grew up and it’s where a lot of people just settled down and hung out. Falling into the paths set by previous generations of those living hard and living fast.
I stood outside the building and stuffed my hands into my pockets.
Five years was a long time. But it wasn’t the first time I had to go away for five years, either. It happened when she was thirteen and I was fifteen. That’s when Lily fell in love with me. Shit, that’s when I fell for her. And for anyone who didn’t get it… fuck them. Because when you knew, you fucking knew.
I opened the door and walked up the steps. Four goddamn flights of steps later I was on her floor. The top floor of the building. The second I opened the door I could hear the faint sound of music thumpin
g.
I walked down the hall and found her door.
23.
I put my ear to the door, listening for the music.
That’s when I realized the thumping sound was coming from above me.
I glanced up and knew there were no apartments up there.
Just…
“The roof,” I whispered.
I didn’t picture Lily as a party-on-the-roof kind of girl, but who knew who she really was then.
I knocked on the apartment door and played through my mind all the stuff I could say to her. All the stuff I should say to her. The right thing. The wrong thing. Or maybe just stand there and let her smack me a few times for bailing for five years. Not that I didn’t deserve any of it.
Or maybe her boyfriend would answer the door. Or maybe her husband would answer.
Shit, what if she had kids?
What if she was pregnant?
The scenarios started to attack me like bugs on a hot, sweaty summer day.
I knocked again. I had no fight or flight response in life. I had fight. So, the thought of a husband answering the door or Lily being pregnant made me want to fight. Meaning it made me want to see her more. To find out the goddamn truth.
In the end… was she happy?
I knocked one last time and that was it.
She wasn’t answering.
She wasn’t home.
Why would she be?
It was her birthday. She was probably out with friends. Or her boyfriend. Or her husband. Or with her family… her kid or something…
I turned and lowered my head.
Five years and it came down to knocking on a door with no response.
I made it two steps when I heard a door open behind me, followed by two voices giggling. Glancing over my shoulder I saw two women holding each other as they stumbled down the hallway. The door behind them swung shut. It read ROOFTOP ACCESS - AUTHORIZED PERSONNEL ONLY.
They froze when they saw me.
“Party on the roof?” I asked.
“Birthday party,” one said. “Someone in the building.”
“Lily?”
“Yeah! That’s her. Lily.”