Cowboy Daddy

by Carolyne Aarsen

  “I’m not sure…”

  Kip released a slow smile. “Of course you’re not. And that’s part of the problem.”

  “What problem?” She wasn’t sure what he was talking about.

  He brushed her cheek with his knuckles, sending a frisson of pleasure up her spine. She gave into an impulse and caught his hand by the wrist.

  What are you doing? You’re playing with fire.

  Nicole dismissed the accusing thoughts. Being with Kip felt right and good. She had never felt this way about any man before, and that had to mean something.

  “I get the feeling that you have a hard time thinking about yourself, Nicole Williams. Sometimes I think you should.”

  His words wound around her heart creating a gentle warmth but she wasn’t sure how to reply.

  He gave her an enigmatic look, then stepped back.

  “Let’s go get those horses,” Kip said quietly.

  Thankfully the horses were already in the corral when they came, so it took no time to bring them into the barn. Nicole held them at the head, while Kip began harnessing. When he had the first buckle done up, the horses sensed what was happening and they stamped and snorted with impatience.

  “It’s like they missed all of this,” Nicole said, steadying the one horse.

  Kip grunted as he got out from underneath the horse. “I hope they settle down once we get them going.”

  He looks worried, Nicole thought.

  “I trust you completely,” she said quietly.

  Kip gave her an enigmatic look then he shook his head lightly. “I sure hope you’re right.”

  The horses danced around, jingling the harnesses, while Kip backed them up to the wagon. A couple of times Nicole was sure he was going to call the whole thing off, but she said nothing, quietly following his instructions, soothing the horses when she could.

  “You’re pretty good with the horses,” Kip said as he clipped and fastened.

  “I like horses, and I think they sense that.”

  “Not many women would feel comfortable handling four horses at the same time,” Kip said taking the reins from her. “I’ve got them now.”

  Nicole stroked the neck of one of the more jumpy horses, spoke a few soothing words, then carefully climbed onto the seat of the creaking wooden wagon.

  She realized too late that the seat was small and narrow, and she would be sitting right up against Kip.

  The horses stamped and tossed their heads, as if eager to get going. Kip climbed onto the wagon, holding the horses back.

  “It’s been a while since I’ve taken them out,” Kip said as if apologizing for their behavior. His lips were pressed together, and his eyes narrowed. “Last chance,” he said adjusting the reins in his hand.

  Nicole gave into an impulse, and squeezed his knee. “I’m not worried at all.”

  Their gazes met and held. Kip lifted the corner of his mouth in a gentle smile. “Thanks for that.”

  He eased off on the reins, and with a jerk the horses took off, though Kip held them back to a trot.

  The wooden wagon had no suspension, and every bump on the ground vibrated up through the wagon seat. That didn’t matter. Nicole felt exhilarated watching the four horses move in unison and watching Kip controlling them. He made it look easy, but she could see by the whiteness of his knuckles and the way his elbows locked that he was using a lot of strength to hold them back.

  “Why don’t you take them onto the tracks?” Nicole suggested. “Maybe they need to get rid of some energy.”

  Kip shot her a nervous glance. “Are you sure? If they hit the track they’ll try to go flat out.”

  “Like I said, Kip. I trust you to take care of these horses.”

  Kip drew in a long slow breath then turned the horses toward the beaten oval track on the other side of the horse corral.

  As he eased off the reins a bit, one of the leading horses tossed his head and with a jump headed out, the other horses going along.

  Nicole grabbed onto the side of the wagon with one hand as the horses gained speed, the beat of their pounding hooves coming closer and closer together. Then they were thundering on the packed ground, manes flying, tails up. Nicole’s hair whipped back from her face, and dust roiled around them. Kip narrowed his eyes and leaned forward.

  As the horses gained speed, the grin on Kip’s face grew wider.

  Though she wanted to watch the horses, Nicole could not keep her eyes off him. It was as if he transformed right before her eyes and she saw yet another part of him.

  Then, on the second time round the track, she saw Isabelle, Tristan, Justin and Mary standing by the fence watching. Their faces were a blur as they ran past, but she saw the boys waving at them.

  They went another time around the track and Kip eased the horses down to a trot, his grin a white flash against his dusty face. “You okay?” he asked Nicole.

  “That was fantastic,” she said, pushing her hair back from her face.

  “Looking good,” Mary called out giving him a thumbs-up.

  “Can we go for a ride?” Justin yelled.

  Kip shook his head. “Nicole and I are taking them out for a bit more. They’re still kind of antsy.”

  Justin pushed his lips out in a pout, Tristan crossed his arms over his chest as if expressing his frustration, but Kip didn’t seem moved by the display.

  Nicole felt guilty that she was the one to take the first ride out. The grim look on Isabelle’s face told Nicole the young girl felt the same. But Mary was grinning. It wasn’t hard to see how happy she was to see her son driving the horses again.

  “We’ll be back in a couple of hours,” Kip called out as he eased off on the reins and the horses headed out again, but at a slower pace than before.

  Fifteen minutes later, Kip had them eased down to a gentle walk. The creaking of the wagon and the steady plod of the horses hooves filled the silence that sprang up between them.

  Nicole was content to simply look around, and enjoy the space and the quiet in his company. That the swaying of the wagon bumped her shoulder up against Kip’s from time to time was a nice benefit.

  “I’m surprised how much I’ve missed this,” Kip said quietly, finally breaking the silence.

  “I can see why. This is beautiful.” Nicole’s gaze shifted to the mountains edging the field they rode along. “So peaceful. It will be difficult to go back to the city.”

  Kip sighed lightly and Nicole glanced over at him.

  “What’s wrong?” she asked.

  Kip’s only reply was to pull back on the horses, bringing them to a stop. He pushed on what she assumed was the brake of the wagon, then wrapped the reins around the handle of the brake, holding the horses back.

  They stamped and snorted, but settled down.

  Nicole’s heart fluttered in her chest as Kip turned to her. He grazed her cheek with his knuckle, his eyes flitting over her face.

  “Do you have to go back?”

  Nicole’s breath hovered in her chest, as if unsure of where to go.

  “You know I do.”

  “No. I don’t.” He spoke the words quietly, but Nicole heard an edge of frustration in them.

  Her feelings for him were changing every day they spent together. He was easing into a part of her heart that she had kept closed off for a long time, and she sensed he felt the same.

  Though it frightened her, it also created tantalizing possibilities, and now he was putting voice to her own questions.

  She looked away, her feelings wavering. Staying would make things easier. Staying would be the best solution.

  “And what about my father?”

  “What about him?”

  “He can’t be dismissed that easily. He needs to see the boys.”

  Kip tucked his knuckle under her chin and gently turned her face back to his. “Let’s not talk about the boys for now. Let’s talk about you and me.”

  That was even scarier.

  “I don’t know…”

 
; Kip brushed his knuckle over her skin. “What don’t you know? How you feel?”

  Nicole pressed her trembling lips together. She knew how she felt about him. She simply didn’t dare tell him. Not with so many things hanging between them.

  Then Kip leaned closer and brushed a kiss, light as the breeze that toyed with her hair, over her lips. “I think you know how I feel about you.”

  Nicole caught his hand, hardly daring to think that this man, in spite of who she was, could care for her. Hardly daring to allow herself to take what he was gently offering.

  It meant becoming vulnerable and giving Kip the ability to hurt her. To break her heart.

  “I’m a stable guy,” Kip said, as if reading her thoughts. “I don’t say things I don’t mean and I do what I say I’m going to do.”

  Nicole knew that all too well. Taking care of his mother and sister, taking care of the boys. He was stable and sure.

  “I don’t know how you can,” she said quietly, unable to simply take what he was offering. It was a dream. It wasn’t possible. “I can’t stay. I’m taking the boys—”

  Kip silenced her with another kiss. “Don’t go,” Kip whispered, his lips touching her cheek, her forehead. “Stay here. With me and the boys.”

  Nicole closed her eyes, his words drawing out her deepest yearnings. Yearnings for a place she belonged. A home. A family.

  Oh, how she wanted to give in and say yes.

  “You know I care for you,” Kip said, pulling back, his fingers trailing down her cheek. “I think you feel the same way, because I don’t think you’re the kind of woman who would let someone kiss her casually.”

  They had only spent a few weeks together and already he knew her that well. “I’m not,” she said quietly, clinging to her hands. “You’ve come to mean more to me than…” she let the sentence trail off, the implications of her words ringing in her mind.

  If she acknowledged her true feelings, what would that mean for her? It would tear apart everything she had come here to do.

  “I have to bring the boys back to my father.”

  “Do you really think you can take them away from all of this?” Kip flung his arm out, his movement encompassing the length and breadth of the country surrounding them—the fields, the hills and the mountains beyond that.

  His question hit her own doubts with deadly accuracy. She wanted to be able to say without hesitation, yes. Yes, she could.

  At one time she’d been able to. But now?

  Now she’d seen the boys running free, helping Kip, working with the cows. She could easily see them in the future riding horses once Kip got past his own guilt. She could see them running pell-mell through fields, as free as the horses that Kip raised.

  “I don’t know,” was all she could say.

  “Then why do you want to?”

  She looked up at him and that was her undoing. Faint lines radiated out from his eyes. Eyes used to squinting against a prairie sun. Eyes that could probe deep into her soul and make her bare secrets she’d told no one.

  “I have to. I owe it to my father.”

  Kip caught her by the shoulders. “Why do you think you owe your father so much? Why do you think his love comes with so many burdens attached to it?”

  Nicole wished he weren’t holding her. Her own lonely soul yearned for his touch, for his nearness. But she had to explain one more time.

  “Sam and Norah took me from a life of uncertainty and gave me security. Gave me a life. They gave me a little sister who I…” Nicole’s voice broke on that last word. She fought her tears back. She took a steadying breath. “I owe my father more than I can ever hope to repay.”

  “And you hope to repay part of that debt by taking the boys away from the only life they’d ever known?”

  Nicole wanted to pull away from his touch. It confused her. His hands on her shoulders made her second-guess convictions that weren’t as single-minded as they were when she first came.

  “Sam gave me a family. He gave me a job. He gave me my life.”

  “How much is enough to pay that back?”

  His words cut her. “How can you ask that?”

  “I’m using your language. You’re the one talking about owing and repaying.”

  She didn’t know how to answer him.

  “Love is a gift, Nicole. It isn’t about weighing and measuring and repaying. Love isn’t earned. Like the pastor said on Sunday, love is God’s great gift to us, and it comes without a price.”

  “But the boys—”

  Kip narrowed his eyes and slowly nodded his head. “It always seems to come back to the boys. I’m wondering if you think bringing them back will earn you your father’s love.”

  Nicole’s eyes narrowed. “Is that what you think I’m doing?”

  Kip shrugged, pulling away. “Why don’t you tell me?”

  “It’s so much more than that.”

  “So explain.”

  “I can’t keep the boys away from him, Kip,” she snapped, his accusation making her angry. He didn’t know. He didn’t realize. “I can’t. He gave me everything and I took…I sent his only daughter away.”

  “What? How do you figure that?”

  Nicole’s anger eased away as her shame, buried so deep, so long, slowly worked its way through the crack created by her emotions. Like the weeds in the garden she’d been tending with Mary the past few days, the secret was pushing up through and couldn’t be hidden.

  She bit her lip, looked away, trying to regain the anger. Anger was better. Anger was like an offense. It pushed people away.

  But she couldn’t find it as easily as she used to.

  “Nicole, what are you talking about?” Kip’s voice softened and he lifted one hand to cup her cheek.

  “I can’t…I can’t…”

  “Please. Tell me.”

  Nicole took a breath, her own emotions threatening to overwhelm her.

  “Tricia…I loved her, you know. She was my sister. My little, adorable, loved and protected sister. She was the daughter that Sam and Norah had waited so long for.” She swallowed, struggling to stay on top of her emotions. “She was their only child, but she didn’t get it. She didn’t understand how good she had it. I tried to tell her. Tried to make her understand. She always fought with our parents. Always rebelled. Then, one day, I found out she’d been hanging out with a bad crowd. Doing drugs. I got mad and yelled at her.” The memories came in waves now, relentlessly washing over her. “We had a huge fight. I told her she was treating our parents poorly. She told me that I was jealous of her.” Nicole bit her lip and looked down, still ashamed of her actions. “I told her I was. I told her that every day, when I was a little girl, I wished for parents like she had.” Nicole clenched her fists, struggling, fighting. “Then I told her she didn’t deserve to be a Williams. That she didn’t deserve this family and if she couldn’t be a loving daughter, if she couldn’t appreciate all the good things she’d received from this family, then maybe she should go.”

  “And then she did leave.”

  Kip’s quiet voice gave substance to the reality that had haunted Nicole from the morning she went to her sister’s room.

  “She left me a note. Just me.” She paused, remembering.

  “What did it say?” Kip’s gentle voice drew the deeper confession out of her.

  “It said that if I thought that our parents were so wonderful, then she was leaving. Leaving me to have them to myself. She told me that she didn’t want to be a Williams. That she had never chosen to be a part of this family. That was it. That was the extent of what she wrote.” Her voice broke. It was all she could to keep the sorrow inside. “She left because of me. The adopted daughter. The one that was brought into the family. She was the real Williams and she left. I drove her away. I didn’t deserve what Sam and Norah had done for me. Sam was right when he told me that. Sam was right when he said that I didn’t deserve to be a Williams.” A sob crept up her throat and she swallowed it down. “Now Tricia’s dead a
nd Norah’s dead and I don’t know how to fix what I broke. I don’t know how except to bring Tricia’s boys back. Back to their family…back to Sam…” She stopped as another sob washed upward followed by another. “I owe him so much. He gave me so much, and I’m not even his natural daughter. Bringing the boys back to him will fix everything I did.” Suddenly she couldn’t hold it back anymore. Sobs racked her body, tears streamed down her cheeks as her shame and pain finally found release.

  Next thing she knew she was in Kip’s arms and he was holding her tightly against his chest, a haven in the storm of sorrow and pain that she had held back for so long.

  “Nicole, oh Nicole, how could you think that?” Kip murmured, his head pressed against hers, his strong arms holding her close.

  “I loved them, I did,” Nicole sobbed. “I loved them all. But Tricia left and Sam blamed me…I didn’t mean to hurt Sam and Norah. I was trying to help. I don’t deserve the good things they did for me.”

  Kip silenced her with another kiss, then he held her close.

  “It’s not your fault, Nicole. It’s not your fault,” Kip murmured. “Tricia made her own choices and your father was wrong to drop those choices on your shoulders.”

  Nicole wanted to believe him. Oh, how she wanted to believe him, but she had clung to that guilt so long, she didn’t know if she could let go.

  “It’s not your fault,” Kip repeated, more firmly this time. “You are a good daughter, and you keep saying that you owe Sam Williams. Well, he owes you. You are a faithful daughter. You are a better daughter than Tricia. Any parent would love more than anything to have a daughter as good and faithful as you.”

  His words eased part of her sorrow. Then he pulled back, framing her face with his hands. “You are an amazing person who has made good choices. You don’t need to earn your father’s love.”

  “I didn’t really belong—”

  “You belong in the Williams family as much as the boys belong in our family.” Kip couldn’t keep the anger out of his voice. “I don’t love those boys more or less because they’re not my biological sons. They are a part of me because I chose to take them in. I chose to take them into my heart. They may not have been born to me, but they grew to become a part of me. And I want what’s best for them. I want nothing but good things for them.”