What She Left Us

by Stephanie Elliot

  But now, looking at Aunt Helena, so small on the couch, Courtney didn’t think she could save a fly stuck in a jar of honey.

  Helena shifted on the couch and either cleared her throat or coughed. “Hi girls.”

  “What are you doing here?” Jenna asked. She looked at her father. “Why is Aunt Helena here for this?”

  And then, the memories came.

  Chapter 70

  Jenna knew her little sister was sick, and that when she was in the hospital they did their best to make her better, but now that she was back, she still wasn’t that great. She slept all the time, and when she was awake, her mom had to feed her through a tube in her nose, and she still threw up a lot. She wanted to love the baby, but it was really hard, mostly because Jenna never got attention anymore. Not from her mother and not from her father either. It was almost better over at Mrs. Crand’s stupid smelly house with her yucky raisin oatmeal cookies, she thought.

  One late afternoon after Jenna decided she wasn’t going to love her sister anymore, she was in her room playing with her own dolls – the ones who would do what she wanted them to do: eat and sleep and play with her – and she heard the doorbell ring. She raced out of her room to see who was there because she knew that anyone visiting would have to be better than her stupid parents. Her stupid parents who were only interested in her stupid little sister.

  When she got to the door and pulled the heavy knob toward her, Helena, her Dad’s sister was there. Her jet black hair was stringy and in her face, and she had black makeup on her eyelids. Jenna wanted to laugh at her and tell her that it wasn’t trick-or-treat time, but she knew that would be rude, plus, it also looked like maybe Helena had been crying, and she didn’t want to make her cry more.

  “Where are your parents?” Helena asked.

  “Daddy’s not home from work. Mommy’s with Courtney.”

  Helena made some sort of noise that sounded like a grunt, and then said, “What kind of name is Courtney?”

  “I don’t know,” Jenna answered.

  “Are you going to let me in?” Helena asked.

  Jenna moved aside to let her in, and then Helena said, “Is the baby sick?”

  “Yes.”

  “I want to see her.”

  “Do you want to come play with my dollies in my room?” Jenna asked.

  “Maybe. Where’s your mom? Go get her for me.”

  Jenna didn’t like how Helena was bossing her around. She also didn’t like how her eyes had a faraway look in them, like she really was there for Halloween. Maybe she was a vampire, Jenna thought. She was worried, and told her she would go get her mom.

  Her mother came out of her room then, carrying Courtney, who had tubes stuck in her nose because she had been feeding.

  “What are you doing to her!?” Helena asked.

  “She was just eating,” Jenna’s mother said, and then to Jenna she said, “Honey, go to your room, I’ll be in there in a minute, as soon as Helena leaves.”

  Jenna didn’t want to go, but she also didn’t want to stay around because Helena seemed mean. So she went to her room and sat down on the floor to play with her dolls. She kept her door opened because she wanted to hear what her mom and Helena were saying to each other.

  “Why are you here?” her mother said to Helena.

  “I wanted to see her,” Helena said. “I wanted to make sure she was okay.”

  “You should have thought about that a long while ago. If you wanted to make sure she was okay, you should have considered that when you were putting needles into your veins. Do you realize what you’ve done to her?”

  “I… I tried. I didn’t do it all of the time. I didn’t think it would end up this way.”

  “Well, look at her. Look at her! Does she look healthy? Is this what you thought would happen? She doesn’t sleep! She can’t eat. I’m up with her all hours of the night, and it’s all because of you! Because drugs were more important to you than taking care of a baby.”

  Helena began to cry then, deep dark sobs that wracked her thin frail body, but Jenna’s mom didn’t let up. “Don’t cry now. You should have cried when you were busy ruining yourself. It’s too late. Are you on drugs right now? Let me look at you. Look at your eyes. You’re out of your mind; you’re crazed out of your mind! You need to leave my house.”

  “I’m not! I’m not on anything! I just want to see her. Can’t you let me hold her? I’ll be real careful. I won’t hurt her.”

  “You’ve already hurt her. She’s a preemie. She’s going to have a harder life than others because of what you’ve done to her. Can’t you see this? Can’t you see that you’ve done enough harm already? Just get out of here.”

  Helena dropped to her knees and continued sobbing. Jenna moved out of her room, slowly down the hall, her two favorite dolls clutched in her hand. When she reached her mom, she stood tentatively behind her.

  “Mommy?” she said.

  “Jenna, go back to your room,” her mother ordered.

  “Is Helena okay?” Jenna asked.

  “No, she is not.”

  Helena looked up at Jenna, with eyes so sad Jenna felt sorry for her. “Why won’t you let her hold Courtney?”

  With eyes as hard as steel, Jenna’s mother looked at Helena and said, “Because Helena is the one who made Courtney sick, and I don’t want her getting her more sick. Now Jenna, go back to your room.”

  Chapter 71

  “Oh my God.”

  Courtney stood motionless after the realization hit, and then she said it again.

  “Oh my God.”

  Jenna reached for her hand, and then pulled Courtney toward her. They were cousins. First cousins. Aunt Helena was Courtney’s birth mother. Helena had placed her hands over her face and now wept freely, wracked with years of pain and guilt over the hidden secret that Courtney was her daughter. But she didn’t move from the couch. And the girls stood in the middle of the room, watching the woman in front of them, their aunt, Courtney’s mother, as she cried and cried.

  Finally, after what seemed like time had stopped and started again in a new world, Jenna and Courtney made their way to the couch and reached for Helena. The three of them clutched each other and cried. For what else could they do? As their dad had mentioned, they were family, and whatever circumstances had led up to this moment, nothing was going to change that, and they were all here now, facing this tragedy, this new beginning, together.

  “I’m so sorry,” Helena wailed into the air. “Oh, my girls, I am so sorry for any pain I have caused you both. I have made so many mistakes in my life.”

  Courtney continued to sob, and her nose was running. Her dad had left the room and came back with a box of tissues. He knelt next to the couch and offered the box to the girls. Courtney reached for them.

  “I can’t believe this,” Courtney cried. “I don’t understand any of it.”

  Jenna said, “I remember now, some of it. I remember some of it, Dad.”

  “I’m so, so sorry, will you ever be able to forgive me?” Helena pulled away, and looked at the girls, then specifically at Courtney. “Courtney, have I ruined your life? Did I ruin everything for you?”

  “No,” Courtney said. “Things might be a bit clearer now. But it’s definitely a little bit screwed up. You had me? You gave birth to me? When? How?”

  “I was seventeen, a mess, on drugs. Meth. The dad, oh my God, sweetie, I don’t even know who he was,” She wept harder then, and Courtney clutched her face into her hands and tears poured from her too. Jenna looked on in disbelief.

  Their dad spoke then. “Your mother and I, we wanted to help. We needed to help. We got Helena into a treatment program, and we adopted you, Courtney. You’ve always been our daughter. Always. Helena gave up all rights in the hospital. She knew it was the right thing for you and for her. She agreed to this, went into treatment, which didn’t work the first two times, but now she’s been sober for sixteen years.”

  Everyone looked to Helena, who grabbed some tissues
, and finally smiled, her face lighting up a little. “Frank and your mother saved my life. If it wasn’t for them, I’d be dead. Courtney, they saved your life too. I owe them my life.”

  Courtney thought about everything that had transpired in the last half hour, and rather than feeling like she didn’t belong, or that her life was a lie, or that she was completely lost, she felt none of these things.

  She felt relieved. She felt so much relief she couldn’t express herself. She now had the answers, and knew that she was with people who completely cared for and loved her, unconditionally. So much so, that they were willing to change the future of their own lives, to make sacrifices in order to save hers.

  Chapter 72

  When Courtney awoke to the bright Chicago sunlight in the guest bedroom, she felt different than she had when she went to bed the night before, less calm. Jenna was asleep next to her in the queen-sized bed, her features soft and smooth. Courtney wanted to reach out and touch her sister. Wait, Jenna wasn’t her sister; she was her cousin, her first cousin.

  No, that wasn’t right. Jenna was her sister. She’d been her sister her whole lifetime, and just because of this news, that wasn’t going to change anything. Today didn’t make anything different. This morning, she wouldn’t be calling Helena Mom. In fact, Helena wasn’t even an aunt to her all of these years. She wasn’t even a part of this family. If she’d been sober for the last sixteen years, then where had she been? Why hadn’t she been a part of her life sooner? She felt mad, angry and confused. This was going to take some time. But now she needed more sleep. She rolled back over and pulled the pillow over her head, not ready to deal with her reality.

  When she woke up later, Jenna was gone. Courtney pulled herself out of bed and went into the bathroom to shower. When she emerged and made her way into the kitchen, she found her father, Helena and Jenna all talking quietly in the kitchen.

  “Would you like some coffee, sleepyhead?” her father asked.

  “Sure,” Courtney attempted a smile, unsure about how the day would unfold. They had all gone to bed emotionally drained. Drained of tears as well. She couldn’t count on no tears today, but they sure did get plenty out yesterday. Still, she had so many more questions of the woman who gave birth to her, who hadn’t cared enough about her to keep her healthy while she grew inside her womb. Courtney was definitely feeling bitter this morning.

  “You snore, did you know that?” Jenna asked.

  “Well, you hog all the covers,” Courtney replied, taking the mug of coffee her father handed her.

  “I sometimes snore too,” Helena offered. Courtney knew this was her attempt at trying to forge a connection with her, but it wasn’t going to work.

  “Snoring’s not exactly a positive trait to have,” Courtney replied.

  No one said anything. Courtney slouched along the edge of the kitchen counter and took a sip of her coffee. “Coffee’s good.”

  “I made it,” Helena said.

  “Dad, do you have any creamer?” Courtney asked.

  “In the fridge,” he said, and then to Jenna, he asked, “You want to come with to the grocery? I’ve got to grab a few things for dinner tonight.”

  Jenna jumped up from her kitchen chair. “Let me grab my purse.”

  **

  When they were alone in the kitchen, Helena looked at Courtney and said, “I wish there was something I could say, or something I could do.”

  “I wish there was too,” Courtney admitted. She didn’t want to be mad at the woman, she really didn’t, but she couldn’t control her emotions, and that was how she was feeling. Mad.

  “You have to understand, I was seventeen. Younger than you are now. Your dad and I, we didn’t grow up in a stable situation. I’m not blaming that. I was… I’m not proud of what I was, I’m not proud of what I did, but I will tell you this. I thank God every day that there’s one decision I didn’t make.”

  “And what was that?” Courtney asked.

  “That I didn’t go through with an abortion.”

  With everything that had come up, Courtney had never even thought that she could have been a statistic.

  “You… you almost?”

  Helena nodded her head, and her eyes puddled over. Courtney softened. She moved to the kitchen table and sat next to Helena. This woman hadn’t deserted her, this woman hadn’t ruined her life. She had been seventeen. She was confused, scared. She had been messed up. Helena’s parents hadn’t been there for her, but her brother, Courtney’s dad, he had been there, and he had helped her when she was at her lowest point in her entire life. He took Courtney, made her his own, his very own daughter.

  Courtney had been a gift to her parents, she realized that now, and whatever had happened between her parents hadn’t been her fault, or Jenna’s fault. It had been two people falling out of love, not divorcing over a big family secret that was too big to hold a family together. It hadn’t been anyone’s fault.

  Courtney reached for Helena’s hand, squeezed it once, and then offered a smile. It would still take some time, but that would be okay, because they had plenty of it.

  Chapter 73

  When the girls left Chicago the following evening, Helena had already booked a ticket to come to Pennsylvania for Christmas. Their father couldn’t join her because he already had Christmas plans with his wife’s family. There had been many more conversations, and lots more tears, but a bond had been created. The new phase in Jenna’s and Courtney’s lives had begun. And it would include Helena.

  Late the evening before their departure, when Courtney and Jenna lay in bed together, Courtney whispered what had worried her most, afraid to ask it in the light of the day. She wasn’t sure if Jenna was even awake – her back was turned away from her – but she so desperately needed to know the answer.

  “Jenna, we’re still sisters, right? You’re still my sister after all of this. You’re not just my cousin?”

  Courtney felt Jenna move, and then she turned so she was face to face with her. Jenna touched her cheek, which was wet with tears.

  “Oh Court, you’re my sister. Of course you are. Not only that, you’re my very best friend. I’ve got no one else in the world I love more than you.”

  “’Cause, I couldn’t bear to think that this would change the way you feel about me,” Courtney sniffled.

  “Never,” Jenna said. “Not in a million years. Really, this is better than I even expected it to turn out. We’re blood, you and me.” She wiped away some of Courtney’s tears, and then continued. “I wasn’t… not that it matters, but I was prepared for you to have some birth mother neither of us would ever get to know. And now, well, Helena’s family. She loves you. She loves the both of us. She truly does.”

  Courtney smiled then, a true smile, like everything really would be okay. They would have a relationship with Helena, and it seemed also that they were on the way to repairing the relationship they had with their father too.

  When Courtney, Jenna and Helena hugged goodbye the next day, no one wanted to let go first. Finally, Frank had to break it apart. “Girls, you’re going to see each other in three weeks for Christmas! Stop with the blubbering already.”

  They separated, wiped away tears, and promised to keep in touch with phone calls and texts until Christmas. Courtney promised Mitch would be there, and Jenna joked that she had no idea who she’d be bringing to Christmas dinner – either a bartender or her ex-fiancé.

  **

  As the airplane took off, Jenna and Courtney grasped hands tightly, and Courtney sighed heavily.

  “What’s the matter?” Jenna asked.

  “I think I’m finally, really, really happy.”

  Jenna squeezed her sister’s hand tightly, feeling the pressure in her ears as the plane gained momentum. “I’m glad. I’m so, so glad this weekend went the way it did. Yeah, there was a lot of tears, and a whole hell of a lot of family excavating, but we really did unearth a lot, didn’t we?”

  “Yeah, and I guess I can see why Mom was
trying to protect us. I’m not angry at her, but I do wonder if I would feel differently if she were alive?” Courtney admitted.

  “That’s true. And so much of how things were when we were kids makes a lot of sense now. Why she kept us from Dad after the divorce, and Helena,” Jenna said. “Definitely from Aunt Helena. I get that even though, especially since she got well, Mom didn’t want her around. Like she would fear Helena would take you away from us. It must have been so hard, and painful too, for Helena to stay away.”

  “It makes me sad. I would have liked for Helena to know us when we were younger.” Courtney closed the airplane window shade.

  Jenna sighed. “At least she gets us now. At least we get her now. And Daddy too. And in some strange way, it’s all because of Mom’s death. I wonder if Mom thought about telling us? If one day she would have sat us down and told us the truth?”

  “We’ll never know,” Courtney said, and placed her head on her sister’s shoulder. “But that’s not important now. I just feel good about how the weekend turned out.”

  “Me too.”

  “What are you going to do when we get back?” Courtney asked Jenna.

  “I have no clue,” Jenna tapped at the screen of her cell phone. “I talked to Clay yesterday.”

  “You did?”

  “Yeah, he called me.”

  “What did he say?”

  “Just wanted to check in on how the weekend was going. It was really thoughtful. Darren called too, but I didn’t pick up his call. I let voicemail get it.”

  “Well what did Darren say?”

  “He said he was coming home for Christmas. He gets three days off for break, and that he’s miserable and tired of this run-around “bullshit” – his word – between us, and that he needed me to call him back right away because he wanted to hear my voice and he wanted to make sure the weekend was going okay for us.”

  “You didn’t call him back, did you?”

  “Nope. I didn’t call him back.”

  “Oh Jenna! Why are you being like this when he adores you so much?!”