Gravity (Free Falling)

by St. Pierre, Raven

  He answered on the first ring. “Hello?”

  What am I doing?

  “Sam, I don’t know what to say but that I’m sorry,” he explained.

  “Come get me tonight,” I demanded in a dry tone. It was still unclear, even to me, what I wanted.

  AJ didn’t ask any questions. “Anything you want. Twelve?”

  “Yeah.”

  Without another word, I flipped my phone shut and clutched it to my chest as I lay on my bed.

  I followed our usual routine and met him at the corner of my street. He couldn’t even look at me when I got in the car and I didn’t bother trying to keep up any conversation. We drove to our spot near his uncle’s house and parked. I got out of the car and leaned against it, feeling the need to get a little fresh air. Behind me, I could hear AJ getting out and walking around to stand beside me. I gazed up at the stars and tried to get my thoughts together. In the cool night air I found it easier to think. AJ stood there, unsure, and I suddenly felt the onset of guilt. He really hadn’t done anything. I shouldn’t have left him standing there in the parking lot to wonder where we stood. He had nothing to do with Leila’s antics.

  “I shouldn’t have got mad,” I said softly. “I just didn’t know how to handle…..”

  AJ reached for my hand like he was relieved that I’d had a change of heart. “No, it was my fault. I was supposed to handle her and I should’ve done something differently,” he insisted. “She’s my problem.”

  I shook my head. “AJ, listen. You laid everything out on the table from day one. That should’ve been good enough. I just overreacted.”

  He shook his head in protest again and was getting ready to say something else when I grabbed his face in my hands and occupied his lips just to stop him from talking – at least that was my original rationale. But standing there beneath the stars, I realized that this kiss felt different. It felt like it served the sole purpose of leading up to something more, and I think he knew it too. My lips moved feverishly with his and I couldn’t quite grasp what was happening. Usually, this was all it took to satisfy me, but tonight I was looking for something else that I just couldn’t put into words.

  My hands were shaking as I began to figure out where all of this was leading. I was considering taking a big leap that would mean everything between he and I would change. Whether those changes are good or bad, they were sure to come. The thought of possibly ruining a great thing made me shy away a little. It seemed like such a big risk, but the reward was too tempting to ignore.

  AJ’s guard was down and I was aware of his emotions in a way I’d never been before. My mind and body were at war with one another again as I struggled against what I wanted and what was right. The deciding factor was my heart, which meant that I chose to give in to my desires regardless of what the possibilities were. I’d thought many times about how my first time would be, and I always said that I wanted to wait until the time was right. And here, on this night, I knew beyond the shadow of a doubt that the right time was now.

  AJ’s eyes followed me to the back door as I climbed into the warm car where we’d both be more comfortable. Not questioning my actions, he walked around to the other side and got in beside me. So close to him, I could breathe him in and literally get high off of his scent as we kissed again. My quivering hand subconsciously wandered down to the zipper of his jeans, preparing to cross the point of no return. As if he’d had the same thought, AJ stopped kissing me and looked into my eyes, searching for surety. Still holding his gaze, I cautiously pulled the zipper down and answered the question in his eyes.

  This was all new to me. Antonio and I only had brief conversations about intimacy, but he knew where I stood on the subject so he rarely put any kind of pressure on me. But this? This wasn’t pressure at all. I’d never wanted anything more.

  At first, I was afraid to touch AJ the way I wanted to. Many thoughts and ideas had passed through my mind, but the one thing I lacked was the courage to follow through. I couldn’t even move. My hands were resting in my lap clasped together as I froze in panic. What if I did all this and then freak out like I did with Antonio? What if…….was as far as my silent line of questioning got before the sensation of AJ’s warm hand on mine stole my attention. For the first few seconds, he just held it to calm my nerves. But then something happened. Without pulling his lips away from mine, he guided my hand across his lap slowly and led me back to the zipper I’d just undone.

  My head was spinning. I’d never gone this far before and had no idea what to expect aside from what I’d seen in movies. AJ hesitated for a moment and waited for me to loosen up a bit, and then, when he thought I was ready, he led me the rest of the way inside his jeans. The hairs on my arms stood on end when I first touched him. His body responded as I caressed him with a timid hand.

  I flinched self-consciously when he lifted the side of my shirt just enough to slide his hand underneath it. His fingers moved over my skin slowly as I permitted him to explore me in ways I hadn’t allowed anyone to do before. Strange and unfamiliar sensations flowed through me and I didn’t want him to stop. With ease, he reached behind my back and unfastened my bra to make my body more accessible, and I didn’t try to stop him.

  It was beginning to feel like our clothes were a hindrance. Without a second thought, I pulled my hand free and removed AJ’s shirt. The brief interruption didn’t slow us down. In fact, my advances had inspired AJ as well. He gripped the hem of my shirt and gently pulled it over my head, tossing it to the front seat. My lips were on his again and the anxiety began to fade a little, but came back full force when he backed away for a moment and took off his pants and then the boxer shorts he wore underneath, completely exposing himself to me. I was speechless and I couldn’t take my eyes off of him. He sat back and watched me as I appreciated what was before me – this being the first time I’d ever had the pleasure of seeing the nude body of a man in person. My chest heaved up and down as I allowed myself to look at every inch of his physique without turning away.

  A few seconds passed and I was finally able to look him in the eyes again. When I did, I knew that I was ready. So, I lay back on the seat and took a deep breath while I waited for him to take off what little clothing I still had on. My heart was racing a mile a minute, and when he laid on me and pressed his chest to mine, I could feel that his was too. His body heat was radiating through me and I’d almost forgotten how cold it was outside.

  This was really about to happen. Soon, I’d be immersed in passion like I’d never experienced, and I knew that I’d found the right person to share this moment with. AJ was more than a crush or a boyfriend to me. Even at my age, I knew deep down in my heart that I’d never feel this way about anyone else in my entire life. He filled a place in my heart that I hadn’t even realized was empty. And now that he had, I couldn’t understand how I’d ever lived without him. That’s why this felt right.

  Our eyes locked on one another and AJ took a deep breath that he didn’t intend to exhale right away. I shuddered unwillingly and sucked in uneven gasps of air the first time he eased in. A few seconds passed before I was able to calm myself. AJ stared down at me caringly and gave me a chance to catch my breath before starting again. I imagined that it wasn’t easy for him to be this gentle, but he was patient for my sake. Every single one of my senses was consumed by him. AJ was all I could hear, see, taste……or feel.

  “Am I hurting you?” He whispered breathlessly into my ear.

  I pressed my face against his cheek and softly replied, “No,” after finally regaining the ability to speak.

  I clutched his tense arms in my hands to brace myself. I’d gotten so absorbed that I failed to realize that the soft rhythmic whimpering that had me mystified was coming from me. When I made the discovery, I placed one hand firmly over my mouth to keep quiet, feeling a little embarrassed. AJ quickly reached up and pulled it away as if to say that I should do or say whatever felt right. The windows were beginning to fog up quickly, making it impossi
ble to see anything outside other than the glow from the moon. My legs were tangled around him, giving him no chance of escaping me even if he wanted to. In the height of passion, I embedded my fingers into the bare skin on his back as our bodies moved together. I stared into his deep dark eyes and let a single tear fall, overwhelmed by such a rush of emotion all at once. Before it could even roll down my cheek, AJ kissed it away. The idea that I could love someone this much was beyond belief. That night, something in me changed. He’d taken me from being that scared little girl who wasn’t sure about much of anything, to a woman who knew that the one thing she needed was him.

  AJ stammered for a moment, trying to speak, and then exhaled, “This is how it’s supposed to be.” It was then that I realized that this was a first of sorts for him too. He’d missed something when he’d been with Leila that he was apparently able to find with me. Initially, I was concerned that this wouldn’t mean as much to him as it did to me, but he’d just washed away all traces of doubt.

  For hours after I got home, I lay in my bed that night, and AJ was all I could think about. I fantasized about him every time I closed my eyes; the very thought of him made my body tremble. I felt alive in a way that I’d never experienced. Even as I lay there in the dark I had goose bumps. In one night he had me thoroughly addicted.

  My thoughts were averted when my phone buzzed on my nightstand at nearly four in the morning. It was AJ and the message was simple.

  “I Love u.”

  The words put a smile on my face, he was thinking about me too. I fought to keep my eyes open so that the night wouldn’t end, but I was exhausted. I drifted off to sleep quickly and dreamt of him.

  When I awoke in the morning, I had to convince myself that any of the night’s events had really taken place. I slid down deeper into my covers and decided not to get out of bed just yet. This would have been the perfect morning to wake up and find AJ next to me. As I laid there imagining this, I could almost feel the warmth of his body at my side. For now, I’d have to be content with my thoughts because I wouldn’t see him again until we hooked up with Karl and Deanna to go to the movies later.

  I was in no rush to face either of my parents. What if they notice that something’s different about me? What if I can’t stop smiling and they can tell that something’s up? Hiding until they left out to run errands seemed pretty smart. I jumped up to take a bath and soak for a while. While I wasn’t in much pain when I was with him, there were parts of my body that I didn’t know existed that were throbbing now. Just the thought of him made me weak enough that I had to steady myself on the wall to keep from falling.

  As I relaxed deep beneath the warm water, my thoughts drifted back to Leila. While the hurt she’d caused me was now dulled considerably, I found myself still angry. This was far from over. If she had gone out of her way to break AJ and I up already there was no telling what else she would do. She was unquestionably obsessed with him. I laughed to myself as I suddenly thought of one possible reason why she was so fixated on AJ She was the only other girl besides myself who had ever experienced him intimately and I could definitely understand what it was about him that had her mesmerized. He had a way of making every part of me feel like it was electrically charged. Every nerve was on edge with anticipation as he touched me. Even after it was over it still didn’t feel like I’d had enough.

  Here I was with all these new emotions to deal with and no one to talk to about it. This would’ve been a time that I counted on Leslie for her support, but under the circumstances, that wasn’t a possibility. Things between she and I should’ve been different. I now felt like my best friend didn’t even really know me anymore because over the course of a few weeks, she’d missed some major things in my life because she’d closed herself off from me.

  Maybe I could talk to her. Not about last night with AJ of course, but just have a little girl time before I met up with AJ later. She could come over and hang out here with me just like before. We didn’t have to get into anything too heavy, just talk and laugh together like we used to.

  When I finished bathing, I made calling her my number one priority. The phone rang once and then she redirected my call to her voicemail. Nice. I needed her and she was avoiding me. The new lines in our friendship were becoming more clear to me. Slowly but surely, she was making it clear where we stood and I guess I just had to live with that.

  A new thought came to mind. Deanna and I were quickly moving toward friendship, so why not call her since Leslie was retreating? So far, she seems like a pretty trustworthy person, and I didn’t exactly have a line of girls waiting outside my house to be my friend either. Without another thought, I dialed and waited for her to answer.

  A second later, I heard her usual chipper voice on the other end. “Hello?”

  I was a bit uneasy about spilling my guts, but I was about to boil over. “Hey. I was hoping you weren’t busy……I kind of needed to talk.”

  “No, I’m just cleaning out my closet. My mom’s making me,” she sighed. “What’s up?”

  I fidgeted with my nails while I built up the nerve to tell her what happened. Could I trust someone who I knew so little with my deepest secret? The words were about to roll off my tongue and I chickened out . “Never mind,” I said. “Let’s just talk about something else,” I insisted.

  “What is it? Is something wrong? Did something happen?” She inquired.

  I was so tempted to tell. “No, it’s fine.”

  “Sam, would you just say it already?” She laughed.

  After one deep breath I forced the words from my mouth. “AJ and I…….you know.”

  She gasped. No…way! When? I want all the details,” she blurted and I could hear her take a seat on her bed to get more comfortable before I started my story.

  “It happened last night,” I blushed.

  “Oh…..my…..gosh! Was that your first time?”

  I laughed at her enthusiasm. “Yeah.”

  “Weren’t you scared?” She asked.

  “ A little at first.”

  “Do you feel any different?” She asked.

  I laughed again. “Not really. Did you after your first time?”

  She hesitated. “I’ve never done it.”

  I was shocked. I’d assumed that she and Karl had been intimate after dating for so long. “Oh, I just thought that…..”

  “It’s fine. I think most people assume that, even his parents. But I’m planning to wait until we get married.”

  I smiled at her thoughtfully. I’d always imagined that I’d wait until after I was married as well. But somehow AJ managed to break through the defensive wall that I’d strategically placed around myself. Not even Antonio had been able to knock it down despite his best efforts.

  There was a long pause. “I wonder how Leila’s gonna react when she finds out……if she doesn’t know already,” Deanna stated.

  I didn’t understand her statement. “What do you mean? She won’t find out. It’s none of her business.”

  Deanna chuckled sinisterly. “Oh, Leila will find out. Trust me.”

  “How?”

  “Well, it was last year, but AJ was seeing this girl from another school for a couple months and Leila somehow knew every date that they went on, what time AJ was getting home, where the girl lived. Everything! She must’ve been following him or something. But, one day she showed up at the girl’s house and the next thing you know the chick broke it off with AJ, like out of nowhere. He confronted Leila about it and even talked to her father. That’s when she started watching him like that. She doesn’t say much to him, but she’s always watching.”

  That made me uneasy. Was it possible that Leila still followed AJ? Could she have followed us that night and witnessed everything? AJ must’ve kept this information from me because he didn’t want me to overreact, but there was more to Leila than I’d realized before.

  By 6:00 pm I was dressed and on my way out the door. As planned, I drove to the theatre alone to meet the others. Genera
lly, my curfew isn’t as strict if my parents think I’m with a friend….a female friend, so I lied and said that I’d be at Deanna’s again. I found myself watching behind me for Leila’s car. Every time a set of headlights seemed to travel a little too closely I sped up and moved out of the way. I had no idea that Leila had a history of actually stalking AJ. This put a whole new spin on things.

  I pulled into the parking lot of the theater a little faster than I should have, suddenly overtaken by paranoia. A.J, Karl and Deanna were already waiting, standing beside his Jag. There was an empty space beside him that I claimed and then took a deep breath to ward off the nervousness that I felt before stepping out.

  My eyes locked with AJ’s and it was like everything around us disappeared. I was seeing him differently than before. While there was definitely a powerful attraction between us before, it was now even harder to contain myself around him. Visions of him from the night before almost made me run to get to him faster. My addiction was confirmed. When I reached him, I threw my arms around his neck and squeezed like it was the last time I’d ever see him. AJ buried his face in my neck as he hypnotized me once again. The softness of his skin, his scent, the feel of his body pressed to mine all working together to tear down my willpower. When he pulled away from me I instinctively grabbed for his arms to pull him back to me, but I caught myself and refrained.

  Inside the theatre, there was a long line of people waiting to buy tickets. It was strange being here with AJ because the last time, we had to sneak to be with one another. This time, I held his hand with confidence. There were a few people who gave us strange looks, but whoever didn’t like it would just have to learn to deal with it. We were together whether everyone accepted that or not. I grabbed on to his arm with both hands and clutched it to my chest as we waited there. My eyes wandered over to the next line and my heart sank. Apparently Leslie, Terrence, Kyla and Brian had the same idea we did. There they stood beside us and Terrence’s gaze could’ve burned a whole through me, his anger nearly matched Antonio’s.