Gravity (Free Falling)

by St. Pierre, Raven

  He got his car back and the gate code too, so he didn’t waste any time arranging one of our secret meetings. I thought of how cramped we’d be in the car and made the bold move to invite him over to my house this time. Once my parents were asleep, they never got back up before morning. If he parked down the street, I could sneak him up to my studio unnoticed. It was a simple plan and AJ seemed to like the dangerous idea, so it didn’t take him long to agree to it.

  I was too high strung from our plan for my bath to relax me any. I washed and climbed out of the tub to put on my pajamas before sitting to watch the clock. At 11:11 I heard my parents going to their room. They shut the door and then there was silence. Mom usually read for about ten minutes before she fell asleep, so that meant that by no later than 11:30 they should both be asleep. So by midnight, AJ and I would be in the clear.

  My phone went off at 12:03.

  “Are they asleep?” AJ asked.

  “Yeah, where are you?”

  “Sitting in my car around the corner. Should I start walking that way now?”

  My mind told me to tell him ‘No’ and to abort the mission, but I was still unable to mend the connection between my brain and body. Maybe I’d try that again next week, so for tonight I was going for it.

  “Yeah, I’ll be downstairs waiting.”

  I hung up and put my phone on the nightstand. My light was already off, so I opened the door and peered out into the hallway. There was no sound at all coming from the direction of my parent’s room. I eased out and crept down the stairs like a burglar in my own house. As I approached the door, I could see AJ’s silhouette as he walked up to the porch. I hurried to open the door to bring him in out of the cold. He was smiling from ear to ear when he entered. “I can’t believe you really wanna do this?” He whispered excitedly.

  I rolled my eyes at him and pulled him behind me as we slowly climbed the two flights of stairs to the attic. We moved to the back of the room and sat on the blue couch – our eyes were locked on one another. It was hard to believe that things were finally going to be back to normal again. We’d be able to hang out after school and at Karl’s house on weekends. Seeing him in the controlled atmosphere of school hadn’t been anywhere near enough for me.

  “Are you nervous?” He asked quietly. “Cause if you are, it’s not too late for us to leave and go somewhere else.”

  This was by far the most dangerous thing we’d ever done, but my mind was already made up. I answered his question with a kiss. With our lips interlocked and moving together excitedly, I removed his coat and shirt. He stood and removed the rest of his clothing hastily. When the snow melted from his hair, beads of water caught the light from outside, glistening like crystal as they dripped down onto his bare skin. He pulled off my t-shirt and pajama pants and laid me down on the couch as he slowly kissed from my neck to my chin and finally reaching my anxious lips. It felt like it had been so long. My fingers pressed into the skin on his back as I did my best to control myself. I could hardly keep my body from shaking underneath his.

  Suddenly, the doorknob to the attic rattled causing me to jump. Stupid me forgot to lock the door! At least that would’ve bought us time to dress and come up with some sort of story to explain why AJ was up here with me. Maybe I would’ve said that he’d just come by to talk or something along those lines. Granted, I still would’ve been in trouble, but not like I was about to be.

  AJ lifted himself off the couch instantly and we pulled on the clothing that we had time to grab. I heard footsteps on the stairs and I could hardly control the shaking in my hands as I struggled with my shirt. By the time my mom reached the top of the stairs that was all I had on and AJ stood beside me wearing nothing but his jeans. My head was down as she flicked the light on and came to her own conclusions about what AJ and I were doing.

  The embarrassment that I felt was unbelievable. I couldn’t lift my eyes to look at her or AJ. She took a minute to speak, but then finally whispered my name in a disappointed tone. There was no mistaking what was taking place. I imagined that she was observing my pants and AJ’s t-shirt slung carelessly onto the floor – plus my hair was a mess. A tear ran down my cheek as I sat before my mother in the most compromising of situations.

  AJ shifted uncomfortably and folded his arms over his bare chest. I imagine he was wrestling with whether it would be best for him to leave, or if he should stay for my sake. Mom turned to walk back down the steps. “Both of you downstairs. Now!” She hissed without turning around to look at either of us. Her footsteps even sounded angry as she walked down the stairs. I finally turned in AJ’s direction. He was still looking at the floor expressionless.

  “You can leave. You don’t have to stay for this,” I said quietly as I pulled my pants on.

  “No, I’m just as guilty as you are. I’m staying,” he replied. I’d never seen him look so defenseless, but even in an uncomfortable scenario such as this one he still chose to stand by me. It felt like it took us hours to reach the first floor. A million thoughts ran across my mind. Would my mom wake my father and let him yell at us too? I reached for AJ’s hand and tried to prepare myself. She stood at the bottom of the steps waiting for us and I could see that she was fighting back tears as she stared at the wall across from her. Without looking in our direction, she motioned for us to follow her into Daddy’s study. All of the lights were still off except for the small lamp by the living room couch, which led me to believe that she was trying to make sure that my father stayed asleep.

  She opened the door to the study and flicked on the light. I shut the door behind AJ and me after we entered. We sat side by side on the couch and I squeezed his hand tighter to brace myself for my mother’s wrath. She paced the floors and gripped her hair in both hands like a crazy woman. I almost wanted her to start talking just to put me out of my misery. She hung her head and shook it from side to side. I glanced over at AJ quickly as he stared down at the ground unmoving.

  “Do you have any idea how much trouble you’re in? How long has this been going on?” She asked as she snapped her head in my direction. I’d never seen her this way. Usually, she’s the calm reasonable one while Daddy plays the part of disciplinarian. I searched for some sort of explanation that would make this all go away, but there wasn’t one.

  Telling her that this was the first time seemed like the best answer I could give, but I didn’t want to add lying to the list of offenses I’d committed tonight. “October.”

  My answer deeply disappointed her. “October? Didn’t you two just get together in October?”

  The way she asked the question made me feel dirty – like I needed another bath. “Yes. But I swear that this is the first time ever here,” I responded quietly as I lowered my gaze to the floor. She exhaled slowly and started shaking her head again.

  “Antonio too?” She asked softly without turning to look at me.

  “No. No one but AJ.” I know that fact didn’t make any of this sound better to her.

  I could see her building to another uncomfortable question. “Have you two been…..safe?” My heart sank and the dirty feeling returned.

  “Most of the time,” I said softly. AJ flinched slightly as I admitted this to my mother. She stopped pacing and stood motionless in the middle of the floor.

  “What do you mean ‘most of the time’?” She asked angrily as she shot us both a look that could kill. “Like……when you feel like it, or when the sun’s up, or on Tuesdays?” She continued to stare. “That sounds pretty stupid doesn’t it? Now just imagine how it sounded coming from your mouth.”

  “Mom, I don’t know what to say.”

  She laughed like she was having a nervous breakdown and then stopped abruptly. “That’s because there is nothing to say. I’m so disappointed in you. All this time I’ve been defending you to your father telling him that you were a good girl. And all this time……..” She shook her head again like she was trying to erase the incident from her mind. “I didn’t raise you this way, Samantha. You know
better.”

  I felt so stupid. This was probably the wrong time to beat myself up for not locking the door, because that wasn’t the real issue here. “I don’t have an excuse, Mom. All I can say is that I’m sorry. I disrespected you by bringing him here.”

  Apparently I’d said the wrong thing again. She narrowed her eyes. “Is that the only thing you think you did wrong – bringing him here?” She asked sharply.

  I was admittedly a little afraid to say anything else. “No, I…..”

  “Forget about bringing him here. Even forget about disrespecting me. You disrespected yourself! I can’t even look at you right now!” She yelled loud enough that I was worried she’d wake Daddy. “You’re father and I waited until we were married, Samantha. This is unacceptable.”

  Hearing my mother compare me to her made me feel so ashamed. I did know better, but I chose to do what I wanted instead of what I knew was right. I felt the tears coming on again and did my best to hold it in. AJ felt me tense up and squeezed my hand gently. His sympathy made me even more emotional and my tears flowed like a river after a dam failed. My body quaked like I was seizing as I buried my face in my hands. I felt AJ’s arm wrap around my shoulders to comfort me.

  Mom was silent for a long time. When she spoke again, her anger had subsided a little and her tone was softer. “Samantha, your father and I love you just like I’m sure your parents love you AJ. We don’t want to see you two messing up your lives. You’re not responsible enough to handle the pressures that come along with having a sexual relationship. It changes everything. You two are young and obviously in love. Don’t mess that up by complicating things with sex.” I felt her put her hand on top of mine. “I want to see you two make it. I really do. But you’re not ready for that.” I trusted my mother. Although I didn’t fully understand, I took her words to heart.

  She talked for a little while longer before dismissing us. I walked AJ to the door and stood there. “Thank you for staying with me. You didn’t have to do that.”

  He smiled at me reassuringly and we kissed once briefly before he was out the door. I leaned against it and replayed the night in my head. None of it seemed real, but it definitely was. My mother came from the study and stood in the middle of the foyer. She stared at me for a few seconds before she extended her arms to hug me. “I love you.” She patted my back and kissed my forehead. “But you do know you’re grounded, right?” She asked as she turned to walk up the stairs.

  “Yeah, I know,” I sighed.

  “Straight home after school every day until Prom.”

  “Mom, Prom’s three months away!”

  She looked back at me and I could tell from her expression that I shouldn’t press the issue. “Straight home after school every day until prom,” she repeated. “Am I clear?”

  “Crystal clear,” I replied.

  “If you stick to it, maybe AJ can come by and you two can sit in the living room and talk. But I know you understand your visits will be supervised.” When she reached the top of the stairs, my parent’s bedroom door opened slowly.

  “What’s going on?” Daddy asked groggily. My heart stopped again as Mom turned to look at me.

  “Nothing, James. Go back to bed,” she stated flatly as she followed him back into the room. I was grateful to her for keeping the night’s events a secret. Daddy wouldn’t have been so forgiving.

  Fate was working against us yet again. Almost as soon as AJ’s punishment was lifted, I was grounded. I sighed and stretched out on my bed. My mother’s words were still swimming around in my head. Getting caught had definitely sobered my up quite a bit. While I’d known all along that AJ and I were wrong, I allowed my desires to cloud my judgment and lead me to do the wrong thing. How would he react if I told him that we’d have to stop? Could he handle that? Was sex so important to him that he’d want to break things off with me? While he’s very different from most guys in a lot of ways, I couldn’t be sure that he was different when it came to this. It was my fault for letting it go so far in the first place. Was there any going back now?

  I was now even more concerned that he’d end up cheating on me when he left for Westwood if I were to go through with this. Surely some girl would be waiting in the wings to do all the things that I was no longer willing to do. I sighed and tried to ignore the pain that was spreading through my brain as I attempted to deal with my new dilemma. I had a lot to think about. Was I strong enough to do this?

  My will was tested soon enough. I was able to keep myself under control for the first few weeks, but my resolve weakened one morning before school. AJ walked me to my locker as usual, but he didn’t have much to say. Finally he turned to me and bit his lip as he thought. “I have an idea. Why don’t we skip homeroom?” He stated.

  I was confused. “And do what?”

  He didn’t say anything in return, just smiled. “Uh uh, no way,” I said as I turned to grab my books. “We’ll get in trouble for skipping and plus I think Mr. Talbert saw me already when we passed his class.” I hoped that my excuses would make him back down, but he wasn’t giving up that easily.

  “So?” He replied.

  “So, I don’t think it’s a good idea. Where would we go anyway?”

  He thought for a few seconds. “The auditorium.”

  “Are you seriously suggesting that we do it here…..at school?” I asked. I’d be lying if I said that his offer wasn’t tempting, but I was trying to stand my ground. My eyes shifted to the floor for a fraction of a second while I actually considered it, and that was all he needed to see.

  “You want to.”

  “Fine, what’s your plan?” I sighed in defeat and shut my locker.

  “Go wait in the bathroom until a few minutes after the tardy bell rings and I’ll already be waiting for you.

  I rolled my eyes at him and fought back a smile. “See you in a few,” I said as I turned to walk toward the bathroom.

  I stood in one of the stalls waiting for the last two girls to finish brushing through their hair and leave. The door shut and then there was silence. Another minute later, the bell sounded and my pulse quickened. I checked the time on my phone and I still had another minute to wait. My nerves made me feel a little bit dizzy, but I wasn’t going to disappoint him. I did, however, decide to text him just to be sure that his part of the plan held up before I risked getting caught.

  “You ready?” I asked

  “I can show you better than I can tell you,” he replied.

  I took a deep breath and emerged from the stall. After a quick scan of the hallway, I crept to the auditorium to meet AJ. I wasn’t going back on my resolution, but I told myself that I was only postponing it and that this was going to be the last time. Seriously…..

  Chapter Seventeen

  Deanna was honking the horn outside just as I slipped my shoes on. I kissed my mom on the cheek and flew out the door.

  “Where should we start?” Deanna asked as soon as I shut the passenger side door.

  “There’re a few boutiques downtown, or we could go to the mall first,” I replied.

  “Mmm, let’s try the boutiques first. Their designs are probably more original.”

  I nodded in agreement. This outing was exciting for me for more reasons than just getting to pick out my prom dress. I’d been cooped up in the house for months. I was allowed to have visitors, but leaving for anything other than school was out of the question. Mom stuck to her guns the entire three months – never wavering even slightly. The last day of school and prom were both coming at the end of next week, so she lifted my punishment finally.

  AJ was really patient through the whole thing. He came by almost every day to sit with me. We’d usually just talk, but sometimes we’d watch TV or play cards or something like that. It felt like he was visiting me at the retirement home – only this was much less exciting. Mom watched us closely, whether we were in the living room or in the kitchen. Every so often she’d pass by the door and peer inside, never straying too far away. It was a li
ttle ridiculous to keep such a close eye on us. Did she really think that I’d suddenly have the urge to strip down and take him right there on the kitchen table? Who knows? But however uncomfortable it felt, I was grateful that she allowed him to come over at all. She could have forbidden me from seeing him all together and told my father everything that I’d done, so it could have definitely been worse.

  Deanna and I pulled up in front of the shop. It was a boutique that I was familiar with called Missy’s – mom brought me here to shop for the Homecoming dance Junior year. Deanna and Karl decided to wear gray and silver, so she walked straight to the rack holding the silver and black dresses. I pulled the red swatch that matched AJ’s vest from my purse. As I sifted through the gowns there wasn’t anything that caught my eye. I laughed to myself as I came across a dress that resembled the style I’d worn for Homecoming – that was one mistake that I wouldn’t make twice.

  Deanna came over to where I was searching with a disappointed look on her face. I smiled and attempted to console her. “This is only the first store and I haven’t found anything either.”

  “I know, but I hoped I’d at least find something close to what I had in mind so I could try it on, but whatever.” She sighed in irritation. “You ready to try another store?” She asked.

  “Yeah, there’s another shop a few blocks away,” I replied.

  Four hours and six stores later, we both were still coming up empty handed. My head was beginning to ache as frustration set in. We reluctantly decided to try the mall, which was sure to be a chaotic production starring girls from all of the local schools on the same mission as Deanna and I. We parked in the first available space that was quite possibly a mile from the main entrance. I hadn’t seen it this packed since the Christmas season. We sighed and stepped out of the car. Inside, the hallways were filled with excited teenage girls. Some were carrying long garment bags containing the dresses that they’d purchased. Others were still wandering aimlessly in search of ‘THE DRESS’. The first store we tried was swamped, but we fought through the crowd and found a rack to start on.