Without A Pail

by Michelle Marra

  Casey’s face fell as did the tears, there it was…the actual reason she’s leaving.

  “Humph…” Shaking her head in disbelief that the girl she was so smitten with was dumping her for a douche bag that broke her heart and would no doubt do it again. But there was no reasoning with Jackie…the heart wants what the heart wants and it didn’t want her. She loved her but she’d been afraid to say it; after all, they agreed on the casual thing and she didn’t want Jackie to be scared off. She regretted the missed opportunity, but she would be damned if she would say it now and make herself appear any more desperate than she already is by crying like an idiot. “I guess there’s nothing left to say…but go. Go…I hope you don’t regret getting involved with her again.”

  “Case…I know you’re upset but…”

  “I said GO! Get the fuck out. What…you think you’re the only nice looking woman out there? I’ve had plenty and I’ll have them again. I’ve had better than you break my heart.”

  Jackie stood, she looked down at Casey now sobbing in her hands wanting so much to console her but thought better of it. She walked out the door without even saying goodbye to the dog.

  Chapter 17

  As the elevator doors opened, Jill saw Jackie standing alone and unconscious to the fact the doors had opened. “Hey…are you leaving or staying?” Jill gave her a once over, thick black leather boots, tight black skinny jeans, very tight black tank top with a black bandana tied around her head and a pair of aviators hanging off her nose. Jill admired her sexy get-up and was going to remark about being related to Johnny Cash but thought better of it when she saw an errant tear slide down the woman’s cheek.

  “What? Oh,”

  Jackie pushed herself from the corner of the compartment. She barely looked at Jill as she walked passed although noticed that she looked like shit and smelled like shit.

  “Are you okay?” Jill asked with a puzzled look on her face.

  “Uh-huh…Casey needs you.” Jackie didn’t turn around; she kept walking toward the door and hoped that Jill could comfort her ex somehow.

  When Jill walked through the door, she could hear muffled sounds of sobbing in the distance and her heart dropped instantly. It was what she feared, Jackie had broken up with Casey and from the hysterics she could clearly hear coming from her living room…Jackie came clean about the other woman. Her heart ached for Casey as she remembered finding out when Bill had cheated on her the first time, the first of many.

  As she closed the door behind her, Jill thought it was strange Molly not being there to greet her but as she walked through the foyer and passed the kitchen, she saw Molly laying on the couch with her head in Casey’s lap. She was a good dog, had a keen sense of human emotion and seemed to want to comfort the sad woman as she had for Jill on many occasions.

  “Hey, are you alright?” Jill’s voice was soft as she entered the room. Molly lifted her head and began to pant to display her delight that her master was home.

  “Jackie dumped me,” Casey’s voice was scratchy and low.

  “I’m so sorry Honey,” Jill placed her hand on Casey’s arm as she crouched down next to the sofa. She hated to see her friend hurting like this but she was glad Jackie finally told her. “What happened? You two looked happy.”

  Casey shook her head as she wiped her nose with the back of her hand. “Her ex came back into town and told her she wanted her back.”

  Jill’s mouth twisted into a sympathetic grimace, “So I guess she’s going back to her ex?”

  Casey tried to keep the tears from falling but knew it was a useless act as they continued to stream steadily down her face. She nodded her head rapidly as she swallowed the painful lump in her throat, “Yup. Said she still loved her, said she had to give the relationship another chance…I can’t believe she’s going back to her.”

  Jill put her arm around Casey and pulled her in for a consoling hug, “Do you love her?”

  Casey buried her face into Jill’s shoulder, “I don’t know.” Her voice just a faint whisper. “I thought there was something we were building…I really cared about her.”

  Jill knew this pain all too well, the crushing of the heart. But after the heart was crushed it acted like a vortex and sucked away self-worth and the biggest casualty of them all…trust. She was still dealing with scars and remnants of the pain, but her marriage was twenty-some years; Casey had only been seeing Jackie a few months so the bounce back should be relatively quick unless it was different with lesbians. She heard of the ‘warp-speed’ relationships that lesbians tend to have, although she didn’t understand the whole ‘U-Haul’ on the second date joke…if someone pulled up to her place with a ‘U-Haul’ she would lock the door and call the police.

  “Well Sweetie, you could fight for her,” Jill said in her best sympathetic voice, the knowledge she had was making her feel guilty.

  Casey pulled herself from the hug and sat back into the sofa, giving Jill a lop-sided grin she said, “She doesn’t love me, her heart was never really free to try. I was the rebound girl, I kind of knew that going in…but I figured since her ex lived so far away, I don’t know, I thought maybe I had a shot. After the first month, I actually started to like her enough to let my heart get involved. Now I wish I hadn’t.” She wiped the tears from her face with the hem of her t-shirt, “But, Hey….I’ll survive. She wasn’t the first girl to break my heart and surely won’t be the last.”

  “Are you going to stay friends?”

  Casey giggled as she looked over at her naïve friend, “Probably not, since we weren’t friends to begin with…nothing really to stay friends for; and I don’t really think I want to see her and that bitch Suzanne around without wanting to punch her face in.”

  “Whose? Jackie or Suzanne.”

  “Suzanne’s, after what she did to Jackie…after how she hurt her and now has lured her back into a web of lies.”

  Jill nodded as the thought of it was more than lies since she had the pleasure or displeasure, she wasn’t sure which, of meeting Suzanne. The girl was charming, attractive, smoldering eyes that could weaken most knees, and the sexiest southern accent she’d ever heard, but she caught the woman gazing intently at her for just a tad too long for her liking. Then her mind went back to the night she met Suzanne and recalled Jackie’s smile, her piercing blue eyes and her laugh. Oh my God…that laugh. Jill was mesmerized by the memory, but it quickly vanished when she recalled the argument they had about Casey. Jackie Evans was a cheater and in Jill’s book that made her a liar, a bad friend and untrustworthy. But even knowing this, Jill couldn’t help to think about how good Jackie looked in a business suit and dim candle light. The way she smiled over the rim of her glass, the way she would throw her head back to laugh, and that infectious lopsided grin when Jill could see the wheels turning in her head and wondered what was going on behind those gorgeous blue eyes. Just the thought of that woman made Jill’s mouth water, even though she cursed herself for still having feelings after what she knew and what Jackie did to Casey. But damn that woman just looked good, and now she was out of the circle so to speak, and probably only ever lay eyes on her again if it was business related for which she was a little relieved. Jill did not want to see her with that southern viper or with Casey for that matter, since she was a little envious knowing Casey had privileges to those lips, to that body; oh…. Jill shook her head trying to rid the images of Jackie Evans which were dancing around in her head.

  “I asked her once if she thought maybe one day we’d get a place of our own.” Casey’s mouth curved into a thin smile. “You know what she said to me, ‘I don’t know, I’m not going up that hill without a pail again.’”

  Jill’s face bore a confused look, “What the hell does that mean?”

  “I asked her and she gave me some lame explanation about being prepared, having some kind of backup plan or some bullshit like that. Anyway…” Casey readjusted herself on the sofa turning herself slightly to face Jill. “You never told me what you thought
of Meredith.”

  Jill’s smile was wide when she recalled the kiss, the sensuality, the softness…the utter hotness of it all…especially the blue-eyed blonde she imagined when she closed her eyes. “She was nice, a bit too forward.”

  “Nice?”

  “Okay, she was gorgeous. Still a bit too forward.”

  “Too forward, I thought you wanted to get your feet wet?” Casey grinned as she waggled her eyebrows.

  “Yes, feet wet…not my entire body. I don’t think I’m quite ready for where she wants to take it; it’s just too soon for me.”

  “Really? Aren’t you all tied up? I mean you said it's been a while for you.”

  Jill’s face turned three shades of crimson as her mouth hung open in astonishment. She couldn’t believe what Casey was suggesting, not that she hadn’t thought about it every day since wanting to explore these feelings. “Yes, it has been. But I’m a little old fashioned when it comes to sex I guess. I would like to know the person or at least like the person I’m going to have sex with…besides, it feels strange talking like this with you since you and Meredith have a past.”

  “Past being the operative word. Incidentally, she was the first girl to break my heart.”

  “And yet you’re friends with her.” Jill quirked an eyebrow at her guest.

  “That’s different, we were together a long time…besides when we broke it off the last time, we decided together to be friends. And I don’t want to see Jackie right now, I wouldn’t want to make a fool of myself in front of her and especially not in front of that asshole who I know is going to hurt her again.”

  Jill knew it too, she could tell by how Suzanne talked to Jackie…how she was so obviously possessive and dominating. She knew it wouldn’t be long before Jackie fell victim to all the charms and ended up back in the place Suzanne had wanted her all along. And as much as she hated what Jackie did to Casey, she cared about the blonde and was determined to be her friend if nothing else. Jill wanted a way into the woman’s life, although the thought of eating her heart out on a constant basis would probably be a daily ritual unless Jill could be there to help pick up the pieces when Suzanne hurt her again.

  Jill tried to stifle the grin as she cleared her throat and the image of her so called ‘consoling’ of Jackie. She inwardly sighed knowing these fantasies of Jackie were like chasing the wind. She would just have to distract herself with a dark-haired beauty named Meredith and explore what she had to offer…hopefully in small doses.

  “So how did your date go last night?” Casey asked as she sipped from her tea cup, regarding the woman across from her with a deep crimson shade on her face.

  “It is getting harder and harder to keep her at bay.”

  “It’s been two weeks and you still…”

  “No, but it was damn difficult to not give in last night.” Jill smiled and shook her head.

  Casey looked down at Molly sitting at her master’s feet. She enjoyed their weekly chats at Rita’s Café, although since Jill has decided to take a walk on the proverbial ‘wild side’ they have met there at least three times a week. It was nearing August and the day was cloudy and muggy. They still opted to sit outside mostly because Molly was with them and Manhattan in the summer was more interesting outdoors. There was always something going on between hot-headed drivers arguing in traffic, or the hordes of people milling about. There was always something to see, witness, and be entertained. Casey knew the city held thousands of stories and she was always happy to be one of them.

  When she returned her attention to the woman whose face was lined with worry she said, “I’m still not understanding why you are trying to keep her at bay when this is something you want.”

  Jill shrugged her shoulders, “I do…believe me, I really do. But this woman doesn’t let me breathe.”

  “What do you mean?” Casey quirked an eyebrow.

  “She wanted to take me out for my birthday so last night, we met for dinner…which was great. We talked, laughed and kissed; which was new for me, you know kissing in public. You should have seen the looks we were getting. Anyway, she wants to go back to my place and since I took a cab, I get in her car thinking ‘okay’, but then we start making out in her car and I lost my nerve.” Jill shook her head at the memory, “I was the aggressor, I was the one on her…kissing, touching. I had her chest exposed.”

  Casey giggled, “Nipples in the breeze, huh.”

  “I was kissing her chest, rubbing her, um”

  “Nipples?”

  Jill smiled and nodded, “Yes, but then I froze. I sat up, apologized and got out of the car.”

  “Wow! What happened?”

  “Well she followed me into my building. I explained that it was too much and I just wasn’t ready.”

  “And she’s still…”

  “Yeah, I mean she said she understood my apprehension and assured me she wanted more than just sex. But she wasn’t happy. I could see it on her face. I felt bad, like a tease. I really want to make it up to her.”

  Casey smiled, “Well you know how you could make it up to her.”

  Jill shook her head, “I can’t…and don’t ask me to explain it because I don’t understand it myself. I mean she turns me on, but I’m terrified. But I really do want to make it up to her, so I asked her to Ladies Night at Timeout this Thursday night…and I want you to come?”

  Casey looked at her like she had three heads, “Be the third wheel on a date…no thanks.”

  “Come on…I need a chaperone. This chick wants my clothes off, I’m just not ready. Casey, I need you.”

  “What about Molly, don’t you need me to watch her? My calendar just became wide open.”

  “Nope, I’ve been bringing in another sitter for Molly to get used to.”

  Casey’s hand found the center of her chest, “I’m being replaced? What a fucked up way to kick me when I’m down.”

  Jill chuckled as the corners of her mouth curved into a sly grin, “Don’t be silly, I only did that so we could hang out more…you know for some double dating. I need a few more of these so I can get to know Meredith before taking the next step.”

  “How many dates have you been on with her? Three…four? And the last one I showed up at she looked like she wanted to kill me.”

  “Case, I’m not ready yet.”

  “Well there’s no fourth and I’m not in the mood to hook up with anyone else just yet.”

  “Please Casey, it’s my birthday…please come with us.”

  “That is friendship manipulation, I had something else planned, something other than…”

  “Please,” Jill jutted out her bottom lip and put on the best puppy dog face she could, “She is intense and I don’t think I can continue to resist her, especially if she starts to ply me with booze.”

  Casey smirked at the pleading look on Jill’s face, “Okay…guess we’ve crossed over to friends then?”

  “Of course we are…you’re my best friend.” Jill smiled back at the hopeful expression on the face across the café table from her.

  “Thanks…and yes,” Casey sighed. “Since it’s your birthday, I’ll be the third wheel. For you.”

  “I can’t believe you conned me into coming down here with you,” Casey said as she sipped from her bottle of beer while her eyes perused the women on the dance floor. She had been feeling like crap since the breakup weeks ago and decided she’d chaperone Jill’s date with Meredith.

  Casey thought the look on Meredith’s face was amusing whenever she showed up with Jill until the last time when she whispered in a very stern and scary tone ‘stop cock blocking me’ in Casey’s ear. But what was she going to do when Jill asked her, more like begged her to come along. So now waiting for Meredith to come in and see her sitting there again is not going to bode well for her…but Casey was enjoying hanging out with her friend and not sitting home alone feeling depressed, Meredith would just have to get over it.

  “Thank you for coming. I know this is hard for you, but it’s been a
few weeks, and there are a lot of women here…maybe you should have some fun,” Jill said while sipping her dirty martini.

  “I’m not ready for all that.” Casey’s voice went up a few decibels when the music seemed to get louder. “Besides, I enjoy how you try to keep your resolve when Meredith paws you.”

  “Whew…it’s getting harder and harder. I’m just not ready, I guess I shouldn’t say not ready; it’s that I’m terrified.” Jill scanned the room. The women in there were mostly all coupled and were enjoying the one they were paired with, between all the kissing, dancing, and all the grinding going on it might as well have been an aphrodisiac for her. She was extremely sexually charged at the moment and knowing that Meredith was about to walk into the club, pull her in for a kiss and touch her in that way she always does…Jill was about to come in her pants.

  “She knows you are a virgin…well of the lesbo kind. Just ask her to take it slow. I think she’s getting frustrated.”

  Jill’s face bore a broad and knowing smile. “Oh I know she’s frustrated. I can’t keep doing that to her.”

  Casey downed the rest of her beer as she shook her head, “I’m sure she doesn’t want to pressure you, just be upfront with her…don’t let her think you are a just a tease.”

  Casey watched as Jill’s demeanor became tremulous. She turned around to see Meredith approaching and whose face fell at the sight of Casey. She turned back around to face Jill, “She scares you doesn’t she?”

  “Yup,” Jill said matter of fact as she waved to the approaching woman looking none too happy.

  “Hey, before you get all pissed off, Jill asked me to come,” Casey said as she eyed Meredith.

  “Happy Birthday Baby,” Meredith said before kissing Jill on the cheek. Then as she pulled her into an embrace she scowled at Casey standing next to Jill. “I’m beginning to think you don’t want to be alone with me.”

  “I do, I just don’t trust myself around you.” Jill avoided making eye contact as she held up her empty glass hoping to catch the bartender’s attention.