Without A Pail

by Michelle Marra

  “Why didn’t you wake me up?” Jill crossed her arms in front of her and glared at the blonde. After the night they had and what they shared, Jill felt she had every reason to be clingy and sappy. But she silently chastised herself for even asking such a needy question. This wasn’t her, she was never like this before…in fact, she used to look down her nose at the wives of her husband’s friends. Stupid bubble heads that hung on their man’s every word. But now that is exactly what she had become and she didn’t know how to stop it and with the look on Jackie’s face, she wished she had stayed in the room.

  “Seriously Jill? I was out of the room for twenty minutes.”

  “Meredith said you were talking to Suzanne and…”

  “No…No, that isn’t true. They walked by and I nodded when they said hello,” Jackie shook her head and walked past Jill toward their room. “I’m not doing this stupid jealousy thing with you.”

  As they walked into the room, Jill slammed the door behind them. “I’m not jealous.”

  “Well you’re sure acting like it.”

  “No, I’m not.”

  “Then what would you call it.” By this point Jackie’s hands were placed firmly on her hips.

  Jill shrugged then flopped down on the sofa. Her face contorted displaying discomfort as she quickly bounced onto her hip.

  Jackie grinned when Jill grimaced and was about to make a reference to the prior night’s sexual activity until she saw the tears in her eyes.

  “She rubbed it in my face,” Jill said in a low tone trying to fight the tears threatening to fall.

  Jackie didn’t have to ask what was ‘rubbed in her face,’ she pretty much knew it was the whole moving in thing and the fact that she brought it up last night coupled with seeing Meredith and having her gloat about it was probably just more than Jill needed at the moment, especially with being hungover. But what was she going to say, she couldn’t just ignore the comment or the fact that her girlfriend was obviously upset…certainly not wanting to be the focus of her ‘upset.’

  “I’m sorry Babe…she was just being a bitch,” Jackie hoped her consolation and addressing the issue would make it go away so they could get back to their mini vacation.

  Jill let out a snort, “Yeah well maybe so, but the fact that those two bitches are coupled and will be domesticating under one roof makes me sick. I guess they found the one in each other.” Jill sighed as she stood and strolled slowly to the large window overlooking a beautiful winter wonderland. “Guess I’m not the one,” she said softly.

  Jackie closed her eyes upon hearing the whispered words fall from Jill’s mouth. “Really? How many times do I have to tell you this? Jill…you are the one. You are the one I love. I love you more than I have ever loved anyone.”

  “Except for Suzanne, since you lived with her.” Jill’s words were flippant and harsh.

  Jackie sat on the edge of the sofa and stared at the back of Jill’s form, “No…I didn’t love her more. I was young and naïve when I gave up everything and moved in with her.”

  “How about last summer when you were going to move in with her again, even picked out the place…were you young then.”

  “I cannot believe you are throwing this shit in my face,” Jackie’s voice raised about ten decibels causing Jill to turn around, leaning her back against the glass window she cringed when she saw the anger in Jackie’s eyes. “I can’t defend what I did and I’m not going to try.”

  “I’m not asking you to defend it…I’m just asking why you won’t move in with me.”

  “It’s your place…not mine and I am not making that mistake again.”

  “I’ll add you to the title…it will be ours.”

  “Jill, please…”

  “We can find a place of our own.”

  “Jill, “I’m not having this argument again. Please, dear God…can’t you just drop it. Just be happy with what we have.”

  Jackie watched as Jill’s face drained of all emotion and an icy glare took its place.

  “You know, last night I gave you everything I had, surrendered every bit of my soul…let you devour me, deplete me…let you thrust me into your world. And without hesitation…I might add. I am so in love with you…my heart is completely yours. So my dear, if this is what you want…if you want it dropped, then consider it dropped,” Jill said before stalking off toward the bathroom and slamming the door behind her.

  Later that night Jackie laid in bed wide awake staring at the ceiling. Jill was on her side facing the wall and as far to the edge of the bed as she could get without falling off quietly snoring. She looked over at Jill and shook her head wondering how the argument started and how it got so bad. If she went to get ice five minutes earlier or later the evening before, she would have never known and they would have both been in ignorant bliss. But no…she had to see that stupid smug look on Suzanne’s face when they nearly ran into each other in the vending area. She participated in the idle chit-chat her ex offered up, but really wanted to be anywhere other than standing two feet from the bitch that busted her heart and played her like a stupid fiddle. She did her best not to be rude and half listen to the ‘exciting news’ of her and Meredith moving in together and actually buying the fucking apartment she had picked out for her and Suzanne months ago. It really burned her ass at first, but then she just remembered who she was talking to and said a silent ‘thank you’ that it wasn’t her coupling under the same roof with that viper.

  But she knew she made a mistake of bringing up any more than just who she saw, because once she revealed what the topic of conversation with Suzanne was she knew eventually Jill would not be able to ignore it. But then during the argument when she said “just drop it.” more fuel was added to the fire. It was a fire she saw in Jill’s eyes that actually gave her a pain in her gut and then the rest of the day was spent in uncomfortable silence and minimal conversation that was really boiled down to a comment here and there about the dog and Joni’s wedding.

  Jill was pissed off and she had every right to be since Jackie was being insensitive to her feelings and basically being an asshole. Each time the question was asked ‘why don’t you want to move in together’; she couldn’t put the reason into words. All she could see was Suzanne’s face when she drove away from the apartment they shared and subsequently her life. All she could feel was the pain of regret, fear and aloneness. Having to start over again, having to come home with her tail between her legs…having her sister look at her with that pitied look again. ‘Oh poor Jackie…the perpetual fuck up.’ There wasn’t a way to put into words what she was feeling, what she feared…so as per usual the argument ended with Jill hurt, angry, and confused and Jackie looking like an insensitive jerk. So now here in a winter landscape of beauty and wonder…a perfect place to enjoy alone time, their last night was spent in silence unable to console the hurt feelings with the love of her life.

  “God I’m an idiot,” Jackie whispered as she rolled onto her side, closed her eyes and hoped that sleep would come so she didn’t have to think about it or feel like an asshole anymore.

  When they returned home, Jill promptly gathered her things, her dog and walked out of the brownstone without so much as a word, much less a goodbye kiss. Jackie felt that maybe they're staying over at each other’s place just about every night before their trip was making matters worse, giving more hope to Jill that one day she would concede and it had to stop. She was not ready to take that step and she would not be forced into it. Jackie wanted things to stay as they were, she wanted them to grow together, to learn about each other…she wanted to know, be sure about it before walking up that hill again. She knew nothing about Suzanne except for the months they spent together before diving headfirst into her world. She took Suzanne on faith and it slapped her in the face…Jackie wasn’t ready to risk Jill to the uncertainty of domesticating. She didn’t want to risk her heart again, she was so in love with Jill and it terrified her that this amazing love would fall victim to the day-in, day-out rout
ine and she would fall victim to the ‘bored’ girlfriend.

  As the days and weeks went by with just staying over limited to the weekends, Jill insisted it be at her place. For one there was no one in the next room to worry about when they wanted to have sex and also Molly being in her own home with the park right across the street. This only made Jill more relentless and the ‘move in’ dance went on every weekend. Until one Sunday morning on a blustery winter day.

  Bundled in thermal coats, scarfs and gloves, Jackie stood shivering while Jill bent down to pick up the dog waste left by Molly who was happily trotting around with a tennis ball in her mouth. They have spent most of their weekends these last five months together in Jill’s apartment which she now owned outright from her ex-husband. She has since changed her name back to Jillian Warner and has been pestering Jackie on just about a daily basis to move in with her and the previous evening was no exception. It seemed Jill would start with subtle remarks every Saturday night, trying to convince her girlfriend how living together made sense. But it didn’t make sense to Jackie, it wasn’t like she didn’t love Jill, because she did. Their love and their relationship was burning hot and she was terrified it was going to fizzle with her being left wondering what the hell happened. This time she wasn’t going to be living in someone’s house when it did happen.

  So every Saturday night without fail, they would end up arguing, leaving them in an uncomfortable silence which carried with them into the morning. It didn’t matter what Jackie tried the next day, Jill was quiet and sad pretty much until she left each Sunday afternoon. It was difficult for her to spend the entire weekend away from her work, she had to at least get some work done on Sunday night, which always seemed to take her into the wee hours of the morning.

  It was a ridiculous circle of events and Jackie was getting tired of it. She felt she shouldn’t be made to feel like she was a bitch. The same question was always asked, ‘what are you afraid of’ and bringing about the same response, ‘I don’t want to make the same mistake.’ Which would send Jill off and running with ‘how can you compare me to Suzanne’ and ‘why do you think living together would be a mistake.’ And any answer to those questions would not hold any merit for Jill, making last night quiet, uncomfortable and gut-wrenching.

  “Are you going to ignore me all morning?” Jackie asked, sick of the uncomfortable silence between them.

  “Is that what you think I’m doing?” Jill stood with her arms crossed watching Molly sniff at the trees a few yards away.

  “I wouldn’t have asked the question if I didn’t think that was what’s going on,” Jackie’s tone was flip and she knew she was pressing some buttons, but if this relationship was going to work, Jill had to stop with the passive-aggressive.

  Jill spun on her heel, taking her eyes off Molly for a moment to address the woman standing slightly behind her. “I’m not ignoring you…you know that.”

  Jill’s eyes began to fill up and it was everything Jackie could do not to roll her’s. “It pretty much seems that way to me. I don’t understand why every Saturday night and Sunday we go through this,” Jackie wanted to go home last night, she couldn’t take another night of the quiet…but she relented and stayed hoping maybe, just maybe, Jill would be different the next day. And when she woke up to the same flat facial expression, the same monotone voice; she was ready to go…but when Jill asked if she would accompany her on Molly’s morning walk she relented again and stayed.

  “I don’t understand why we just can’t discuss what your fears are about moving in with me. That is all I’m asking, I know you say ‘you don’t want to make the same mistake,’ but I need to understand why you keep saying that if you don’t think we are a mistake. Please tell me what you are afraid of.”

  Jackie diverted her gaze, finding the ground when she shrugged her shoulders. She couldn’t take the pleading stare of her girlfriend any longer. The fact was, she really didn’t know what was preventing her other than old ghosts haunting her. She already gave Jill every argument she had, ‘this is your place.’ Jill’s reply, ‘I’ll put you on the deed…it will be ours.’ It didn’t matter what she’d say, Jill had a convincing retort, and as much as it made sense and as much as she wanted to, there was that voice in her head that filled her with fear.

  “Please Baby, tell me…I know we can work through it.”

  Jackie felt Jill’s leather glove touch the side of her head and instantly she lifted her eyes finding the questioning caramel-colored ones staring back at her.

  Now it was Jackie’s turn for the tears to begin forming, “Why are you so hell-bent about us living together?”

  Jill’s face dropped, “Really…hell-bent.”

  Jill turned away, her eyes finding the German Shepard now running along the trees and shrubs with a chocolate lab.

  “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it like that,” Jackie closed the distance between them and pulled Jill close to her, but Jill stepped out of her embrace.

  “Yeah, ya did.” She whistled for Molly, hooked the leash to her harness and began to stalk off toward her building.

  “Jill wait.”

  “Just go home, I know you have been waiting to go and get back to your precious cases. Wouldn’t want to be hell-bent on keeping you away one more second.”

  Jackie winced as the first tear fell upon her freezing cold skin. She stood there and watched as Jill and Molly disappeared from her sight. Seeing a bench behind her, she made her way to it and sat down. She watched as the dogs and their owners played in the freezing cold wind. She saw couples hand in hand tossing a Frisbee or a ball to their furry friend, but the worst was when she watched as a lesbian couple walk past her. They were hand in hand, one leaning into the other and looking so happy and in love. She envied them at that very moment, the blissfulness and the ignorance; oh how she craved the first few months of their relationship when they were so happy and so in love…before the nagging began about sharing a residence. Why was this so important to her at this point? They had plenty of time…time to enjoy and discover each other…and it didn’t have to take place under the same roof.

  Then a thought crashed into her brain like a lightning bolt, “Oh shit, what if this is a deal breaker?” Her stomach dropped and her chest began to ache. Would she concede if given the ultimatum? If she did, would she grow bitter and resentful? No, it had to be something she wanted to do, she loved Jill too much to ever do that.

  She wiped her runny nose with the back of her woven glove after the search through her pockets turned up with no tissue.

  “We had the fight again,” Jackie said into her cell phone, her teeth nearly chattering.

  “Are you okay?” Joni asked, her voice flowing with concern.

  “Not really,” Jackie said brushing the snow from her jeans, not realizing how hard the snow started to fall.

  “You are miserable when you are home…so why won’t you move in with her?”

  “Why aren’t you living with Jason?”

  Joni sighed loudly into the phone, “This isn’t about me Sweetie. Stop deflecting and answer the question.”

  Jackie was quiet for a few moments as she watched the dogs begin to play in the snow that had already started to stick. “I don’t want to lose her.”

  “Hmmm, but yet you’re pushing her away and if you keep it up you will lose her.”

  Joni could hear the sniffing and the slight whimper Jackie always had when she was in tears, “Look…you have to stop comparing Jill to Suzanne. First of all it isn’t fair to Jill and second of all, it is not the same relationship and they are not the same in any way, shape or form.” Joni loved Jill and knew her and Jackie’s was a love made in Heaven if only her thick headed sister would look past her own fears. “She loves you.”

  “I know, but why does it have to be all or nothing?”

  “Why would you say that…has she giving you an ultimatum?”

  “No.”

  “Well then maybe you are the one saying it is all or nothing; whic
h is pretty selfish to want the relationship on your terms.”

  “I’m afraid to lose her.”

  “What you are scared of is that if you move in, she will lose interest in you like the other one did.”

  “Don’t you think I’ve earned that right? I tried for so long to get her to love me again, to make her see me like she did before…nothing I did worked, not only did I lose her, I lost myself in the process.”

  “Did you say any of this to Jill?”

  “No, I don’t know how to say it,” Jackie felt defeated. It was hard to talk about these things with anyone, especially her girlfriend.

  “You just explained it to me. Why can’t you do the same for Jill? You owe her the explanation, she should have the opportunity to know and to understand. I know you don’t want to hear it, but my advice is to go tell her now. Where are you by the way?”

  “In the park,” Jackie’s voice was now shaking from the tears and the cold.

  “Oh my gosh, it’s snowing buckets out there right now. Either go back to Jill’s or come home. Don’t freeze to death.”

  “Okay….thanks, Joni.”

  When Jackie ended the call, she knew it was time to tell her and she hoped that Jill would understand and not see her as a lost cause because she was broken. As much as she missed Jill every second they were apart, she wasn’t sure if she could ever take that step without most assuredly ruining everything because of her fears.

  Jackie stood outside Jill’s front door shaking, she was chilled to the bone. How she longed to be snuggled up with her woman and her dog in front of the fire. So many times during this brutally cold winter she had done just that and it felt like home for a moment before she panicked it away. Many Sunday nights after she left Jill’s and went home, she would wipe the tears from her eyes as she drove. It sucked to leave her, not only because she knew Jill was so sad and kind of mad at her, but also because she was sad as well. It would be the reason why she stayed up so late on Sunday’s working on her current cases…doing everything she could do to put it out of her head.