The Secret Diaries Of Miss Anne Lister

by Helena Whitbread

  Saturday 9 December [Langton]

  Wrote 3pp. & the ends, letter to my aunt (Shibden) & Isabella drove me to Malton to put it into the post. Terribly windy over the wold. Dawdled away the evening. Asleep on the sopha an hour. Fine day with high wind. Came upstairs at 11. Only five minutes alone with Miss Vallance, the girls staid so long in my room. Charlotte came first & said, in substance, that I was always praising M—. Thought her all perfection & liked her much better than Tib, which was very unfair on poor Tib, who preferred me to all the rest of her friends. I rather fought off about M— but Charlotte persisted it was plain enough. Tib came in. She does not suit me. I began to feel very low & said I had a headache. It was a heartache & I know not when I have felt a feeling so dispirited, so lorn & miserable, yet the thought of M—’s most affectionate letter came across me & I wondered that, after such a one, I could be so uncomforted.

  Saturday 16 December [Langton]

  Very high wind last night. The ground thinly covered over this morning with strong frost, & high wind. Too cold & windy for anyone but myself to walk. From 3 to 3.50, went across the wold, thro’ the Malton gate & back. Hard tugging against the wind on my return. In the evening, Anne Belcombe played a little on the piano.

  Wednesday 20 December [Langton]

  One and a half hour, just after tea, with Anne in her room. In low spirits. Mentioned, as frequent causes of this sort of thing, my father’s having so lost the manners of a gentleman, the bad luck of his estate at Weighton, &, above all, M—’s marriage, etc. Anne must and does think me very much attached to M— & must guess our hopes of eventually coming together. One and a half hour with Anne after she was in bed. Talking, at first, much in the same style as in the evening, just before, but then got more loving. Kissed her, told her I had a pain in my knees – my expression to her for desire – & saw plainly she likes me & would yield again, without much difficulty, to opportunity & importun[ity].

  Friday 22 December [Langton]

  From 3 to 4, walked with Anne Belcombe in the East Balk field. In the evening, Mrs Milne played. Hung over her at the instrument. Afterwards, sat next to her & paid her marked attention… Came upstairs at 10.40. Near ½ hour in Mrs Milne’s room. Near an hour with Anne Belcombe. She told me of my attention to Mrs Milne & that I had taken no notice of her or Miss Vallance & that she was sure Miss Vallance had observed it & felt as she did. Said I could not help it. Mrs Milne was fascinating. Then went half an hour to Miss Vallance. Got out of her that she had observed me to Mrs Milne & was a little jealous. Anne then came to my room, having expected me again in hers, & staid almost till I got into bed. Her love for me gets quite as evident as I could wish.

  1821

  Sunday 7 January [Langton]

  All up late & none of us went to church. From 3 to 4, packing. Miss Vallance put, in one of my drawers, a sealed parcel of spills to light candles with & a note enclosed, half sheet full, very affectionate. She certainly likes me & is very low & nervous about my going… Gave her the crypt hand alphabet which M— has… but was not very tender. Indeed, I get lukewarm about her. Tib low. Anne curled & saw me in bed.

  Monday 8 January [York]

  All seemed low at our going. Dawdled till 2 when Mrs Milne, Anne Belcombe & I set off in a chaise (from the Tavern, York, at a shilling a mile) & got into Petergate about 5… All seemed glad to see me. Eliza very civil & kind to me but hardly spoke to Harriet [Milne]. Observed this afterwards to Anne, whom I easily persuaded to sleep with me.

  Anne stayed with the Belcombes until 15 January, when she travelled back home to Shibden.

  Monday 15 January [Halifax]

  Got to Halifax at 6½ [a.m.]… In the evening, played whist with my uncle against my father & aunt… They seemed glad to see me.

  Tuesday 16 January [Halifax]

  Wrote, & sent, 3pp. to Miss Marsh to say how I got here, but principally to give an answer to William Cawood, whom I saw & inquired about in York as a footman, that it is out of the question to think of him now as George will stay his year out, 5 months, at least. Miss Marsh highly recommended the man.

  Wednesday 17 January [Halifax]

  Mr Sunderland came to see Betty (who is ill with a sore throat & has been bled with leeches) & staid tea… Have not had such a comfortable evening of reading for long.

  Friday 19 January [Halifax]

  Letter… from York about the Friendly Society there, of which I have been an honorary member (12s. a year) ever since 1810 or 1811 but, during my last stay in York, I asked Miss Marsh to withdraw my name from their books. Whatever I can give in charity, my uncle & aunt have long said should be given here, to which Miss Marsh readily agreed.

  Saturday 20 January [Halifax]

  My Aunt Anne not in the best humour today. Mentioned my Friendly Society letter & not begrudging me shoes if I had not doctor’s bill to pay, etc., making me feel that I wished she had less to do for me & this brought on a sort of sentiment of disquiet & unhappiness which usually besets me on these occasions. Better, however, & my aunt seemed quite right in the evening.

  Thursday 25 January [Halifax]

  Met with Mr Edward Priestley about Whitehall, standing by the men mending the road. We began talking of roads, the new wall falling & one thing or other that he came as far as Shibden but could not come in. Perhaps his chief object was to ask me if I would be a subscriber to a book society they wished to establish. About 12 subscribers at one guinea per annum each, the books to be disposed of every year to the highest bidder of the subscribers, but if none wished to purchase, the recommender of the work should take it at half-price. I said I should be sorry their plan fell through for want of a subscriber but that such a thing was quite out of my way who went so often to the Halifax library & had there as much reading as I had time for. The thing originated with the young ladies at Crownest, tho’ Mr Edward Priestley had long ago thought of it, it was so long before they could get popular new works from the Halifax library; but I have no difficulty of this sort… George took my letter to M— (Lawton) to the post this afternoon. Came upstairs at 11. After curling, was an hour adding up each page of my last year’s accounts & examined all the totals of every month. There was an error of a shilling in that for April. Set all right & ready to balance.

  Friday 26 January [Halifax]

  At 11½, my aunt & I set off to walk to Cliff-hill & Crownest.1 Sat about ½ hour at each place & got home at 2¼… Shook hands with Mrs W. Priestley but bowed formally to Miss Paley in consequence of her not having returned the call I made on her a year or 2 ago at Dr Paley’s & not thinking much of her manifold apologies sent by Mrs W. Priestley… but my relish for going to Halifax making calls is very much on the decline.

  Saturday 27 January [Halifax]

  Dawdling over my accounts & one thing or other. I had a balance of ninety pounds, twelve shillings & twopence three farthings, & have now seventy-four & one shilling & ninepence farthing. I am in a pretty prosperous way altogether… Letter from Miss Marsh, (Micklegate, York). It seems they have been angry about [my] not taking William Cawood. He had ‘walked here & back twice, 32 miles, & all for nothing, & from your cool manner of putting an end to the business, I am sure you could not have thought much about it, or your natural kindness would have softened the disappointment by some expression of concern.’ Lord bless me! What could I do? I told the man how uncertain the thing was, that my uncle had not given warning to our present manservant, etc., & if he thought it worthwhile to inquire after such a place, as he must do after others, what was I to do? To pay him for his walking? Expressions of concern in such a case are mere nothings. I never thought of them, but where words of this sort are wanting I seldom say too much & sometimes not enough.

  Monday 29 January [Halifax]

  Cutting curl papers half an hour… Arranging & putting away my last year’s letters. Looked over & burnt several very old ones from indifferent people… Burnt… Mr Montagu’s farewell verses that no trace of any man’s admiration may remain. It is not meet fo
r me. I love, & only love, the fairer sex & thus beloved by them in turn, my heart revolts from any other love than theirs.

  Thursday 8 February [Halifax]

  Came upstairs at 11 a.m. Spent my time from then till 3, writing to M— very affectionately, more so than I remember to have done for long… Wrote the following crypt, ‘I can live upon hope, forget that we grow older, & love you as warmly as ever. Yes, Mary, you cannot doubt the love of one who has waited for you so long & patiently. You can give me all of happiness I care for &, prest to the heart which I believe my own, caressed & treasured there, I will indeed be constant & never, from that moment, feel a wish or thought for any other than my wife. You shall have every smile & every breath of tenderness. “One shall our union & our interests be” & every wish that love inspires & every kiss & every dear feeling of delight shall only make me more securely & entirely yours.’ Then, after hoping to see her in York next winter & at Steph’s2 before the end of the summer, I further wrote in crypt as follows, ‘I do not like to be too long estranged from you sometimes, for, Mary, there is a nameless tie in that soft intercourse which blends us into one & makes me feel that you are mine. There is no feeling like it. There is no pledge which gives such sweet possession.’

  Monday 12 February [Halifax]

  Letter… from Anne Belcombe (Petergate, York)… nothing but news & concluded, ‘from your ever sincere, affectionate, Anne Belcombe.’ The seal, Cupid in a boat guided by a star. ‘Si je te perds, je suis perdu.’3 Such letters as these will keep up much love on my part. I shall not think much about her but get out of the scrape as well as I can, sorry & remorseful to have been in it at all. Heaven forgive me, & may M— never know it.

  Wednesday 14 February [Halifax]

  From 1 to 3, read the first 100pp. vol. 3 Leontine de Blondheim4… It is altogether a very interesting thing & I have read it with a sort of melancholy feeling, the very germ of which I thought had died for ever. I cried a good deal over the second & more over the third this morning, & as soon as I was alone during supper. Arlhofe reminds me of C—, Leontine of M—, & Wallerstein of myself. I find my former feelings are too soon awakened & I have, still, more romance than can let me bear the stimulus, the fearful rousing, of novel reading. I must not indulge in it. I must keep to graver things & strongly occupy myself with other thoughts & perpetual exertions. I am not happy. I get into what I have been led with… Anne. Oh, that I were more virtuous & quiet. Reflection distracts me & now I could cry like a child but will not, must not give way.

  Sunday 18 February [Halifax]

  George took to the post office, this morning, my letter to Anne Belcombe (Petergate, York). There was the following observation on the 2nd page… ‘You know I am not always happy; it is my misfortune to be singular in sentiment, & there lies the source of all that I lament in practice or in thought, & thence the deadly shaft that poisons my tranquillity. “But, mortal pleasure, what art thou in truth! The torrent’s smoothness ere it dash below!”’ Mary, Mary, if thou wert with me, I think I should be happy.

  Tuesday 20 February [Halifax]

  At 12, went down the new bank to Hope. Saw only Ellen, her mother & Mrs Waterhouse… Ellen never appeared more glad to see me. Spoke so kindly about the disappointment of not seeing me at Elvington [near York] that I felt quite sorry at having ever for a moment fancied she had taken it ill. Conscience makes cowards of us all, & the feelings of not wishing to go made me fancy she might think so too. But she knows better & is glad enough to call such a one as myself, so well known at York, her friend. I believe she likes me, & certainly her mother likes me, at any rate. From Hope, went to the library & staid about an hour reading… in the monthly magazine of July 1820 remarkable praise of the life & writings of the celebrated German philosopher & professor, Kant, born, I think, in 1723, died 1804.5 Turned to the article again. I must know more about this extraordinary man & his works by & by.

  Monday 26 February [Halifax]

  I must think of some better plan of reading in future; for I feel that I have hitherto wandered over too many books with too little thought, & have always read too cursorily to do ½ the good that ought to be done.

  Sunday 4 March [Halifax]

  In the morning, looking over the abridgement of Spence’s Polymetis… that was Isabella’s… Gave me the idea of writing a work on antiquities. I shall think about it. I must write something & it is time to choose my subject.

  Wednesday 7 March [Halifax]

  In the afternoon, Charles Howarth came about making a bookcase for the library passage… In the evening, measuring & planning about the bookcase. My uncle gave me five pounds.

  Thursday 8 March [Halifax]

  Just after breakfast Charles Howarth came, thinking to measure about the bookcase. Obliged to send him away again for my uncle sat like a post & absolutely would not say a word either he would have it or not. I never saw such a specimen of his temper before & a more stupid or unamiable-looking one needs not be. My aunt was ready to cry & he knew that very well. While she was out of the room, I sat & never uttered & talked of the fine day & going to Lightcliffe this afternoon. It is not for me to feel out of temper or vexed. I care nothing about it. But heaven defend me from ever shewing this sort of temper, & grant that I may so behave to those around me as to make them more comfortable as such humours as this of my uncle’s could do. I should hardly have thought it of him.

  Friday 9 March [Halifax]

  I felt very low this morning & have been inclined to it all the day on account of this being the fifth anniversary of M—’s marriage, but I have driven off the remembrance as well as I could by constant occupation. Just before tea I talked to my uncle & aunt & walked about in the drawing-room. Indeed, I began dancing when by myself & got into a heat.

  Thursday 15 March [Halifax]

  Just before tea, Graydon brought me a pair of shoes he had soled. I said he had made the toes narrower. He would have it he had not. He will always, on these occasions, say black is white & I shall employ him no more. He saw I was not pleased & said he did not wish to make for those he did not satisfy, to which I gave no answer but walked off. I proved I was right & thus said too much to him. Fewer words & more peremptory shall do for such people in future.

  Friday 16 March [Halifax]

  My right eye has been so weak this morning I have read with considerable difficulty, frequently changing my [position?] & alternatively sitting & standing to see if it would do any good. I have the sensation of a cold air blowing into my eye &, as I read, the eyelids gradually close till they are almost shut & I am obliged to rest. I felt this more than usual yesterday morning, tho’ not so much as today, & for the last 3 or 4 times I have been out, I have found the air too cold for my eye, & the lids a little swollen & nearly closed when I came in. This, however, gradually went off. Tho’ I have a fire in my room & it fronts the south & is a warm one, I have a constant sensation of a cold air at my knees and arms & the back of my neck, & to remedy the latter, have sat with my dressing gown (thick dimity, the sleeves lined with calico) over my other things, which I have found very comfortable. In addition, I can very well bear the plaid doubled up & laid across my knees.

  Friday 23 March [Halifax]

  In the afternoon, at 4½, down the new bank… to the Saltmarshes’… Found Emma Saltmarshe looking much better than I expected. She talked at a famous rate, saying she had been so long without seeing anybody, it was quite a treat to her. She seemed to me, by these means, more vulgar than I remembered to have seen her before.

  Saturday 24 March [Halifax]

  Before breakfast, from 7¾ to 9¼, & from 10¾ to 2½ (including an interruption of 20 minutes) read from v.1304 to 1527, end of Philoctetes of Sophocles, & afterwards from p.288 to 296, end of vol. 2, Adams’s translation of the 7 remaining plays of Sophocles… I feel myself improved & only hope to continue going on prosperously. It is about 2 years since my first beginning Sophocles (vid. Friday, 13 March 1818) but I have had long & many interruptions during this time.
Besides, I had then a bad plan of doing many things at once, mixing Latin, Greek, Hebrew & French all in one mess on one day. When at Croft Rectory6 (near Darlington) about this time 12 months ago, Mr James Dalton suggested the attending to one thing at once. I stuck to Juvenal exclusively & found it answered & will now stick to Greek till I have mastered it, let this cost me what time & pains it may. Mrs C. Saltmarshe sent her servants this morning (which occasioned my 20 minutes interruption between 11 & 12) with a leg of Welsh mutton which, a part of the loin being cut off with it, weighs 5lbs. We were talking of Welsh mutton yesterday & her sending me this leg is particularly kind & attentive.

  Sunday 25 March [Halifax]

  I have lately sat, in a morning, with my feet on the hearth to keep them from being so deadly cold, but the fire & the light at that distance from the window do not suit my eyes, & I have made a change in the arrangement of my room. Got the higher frame belonging to my writing desk; shall raise my seat & try what I can do with my feet a foot from the ground. I know not how it is, I feel as if I was going to have an illness. I have perpetually the sensation of cold airs blowing about me, particularly about all my joints, the nape of my neck & the small of my arms. My head seems heavy, as if it was too full & that this occasions a pressure over my eyes which makes them not bear reading. I am not right by any means. In the afternoon, my aunt & I read aloud the prayers.

  Tuesday 27 March [Halifax]

  All dined together at 4¼ on the leg of mutton Emma Saltmarshe sent on Saturday, & had tea at 7½.

  Friday 30 March [Halifax]

  To the Saltmarshes’ to tea. Staid till 8.35… Mr Saltmarshe sat with us all the time after tea. Long talk about what books were improper & what not. They mentioned Lallah Rookh & their not finding it out. I said I thought it as much so as Little’s poems, or even the two first cantos of Don Juan7… I don’t know how it is, I thought Emma a little under restraint on this subject before her husband & that he might be a little so, before his wife. I have often thought married people the best company when separated. I never knew a woman so pleasant when her husband was by. I came away feeling unsatisfied, tho’ they were both very civil & friendly. I would rather sit an hour with Emma & not stay tea. The evening is dullish.