The Secret Diaries Of Miss Anne Lister

by Helena Whitbread

  Sunday 16 December [York]

  Mrs Milne went to the Minster. Damp, disagreeable morning & all the rest staid at home… Mrs Belcombe read to us, 1¼ hour, the morning service & then some moral essays on sickness, gratitude, etc… In the afternoon, Mrs Belcombe chancing to ask if I intended going to the Belfrey15, I happened to say I should go if M— went, but if she staid at home, I should. Mrs Belcombe said, ‘What! Does your religion depend on others? How foolish! How very silly you are!’ with some allusion both to my being both at present and formerly very silly about M—. I made some reply about the injustice of this remark & shewed that I was annoyed. In truth, I felt so. This was always a tender point to attack me in, particularly now, when I have taken such pains to give them no reason to find fault & when I have seen that Charlotte & Harriet might steal the horse while M— & I might not open the stable door. To mend the matter, M— & Eli went to the Minster & I volunteered walking with Mrs Milne… I could not help thinking of all this all the time I was at the Minster. My pride was roused & hurt that I should be thus suffering myself to appear foolish & silly, & I absolutely felt as if I could not stand it. At dinner, I scarce spoke. I did not think of being observed but Mrs Belcombe electrified me by asking to hear the sound of my voice. I turned it off by pretending sleepiness from the heat of the fire at my back & came upstairs immediately after dinner to change my boots. M— came & talked to me & I promised to talk & so well feign nothing was the matter that none could find it out. When we came up to bed M— acknowledged that I had kept my word & done so well as would even have cheated her.

  Monday 17 December [York]

  Could not get all this business out of my head last night & woke this morning with it full in my mind. Felt as if I would give the world to sit & never open my lips. Musing upon getting away as fast & well as I could, & upon giving them as few opportunities as possible, in future, of thinking me foolish & silly. Writing the above has done me more good than anything… At 9½, M— & Eli & I went to the rooms, the 1st winter assembly. A very good one… altogether a genteel, well-dressed assemblage. Lady Dundas & Mrs Lawley Thompson of Eskington in diamonds… Miss Fairfax very handsome, but shockingly disfigured with out-of-curl ringlets literally almost ½yd long, & an awkward dancer with elbows like skewered pinions. Got home at 1½. Sat up talking all over with Eli downstairs & having supper & wine & water.

  Tuesday 18 December [York]

  Miss Naylor came again to fit a lining on my new stays. Letter by a private conveyance from Isabella Norcliffe (Langton). They are well but the typhus fever is in the village & Harrison, the taylor, very ill with it. Mrs Norcliffe has sent a hare & brace of partridges to Shibden.

  Wednesday 19 December [Market Weighton]

  Got ready for setting off to Low Grange [Market Weighton, to attend to her father’s business affairs]. Had the new gig from Breary’s, & George & I drove from Dr Belcombe’s door at 11½. The mare a little awkward at 1st, & I had not driven over a hundred yards before I ran against the wheel of a cart. However, we came along very well afterwards. I drove the whole way & we got here (Low Grange) in 3¼ hours, 19 miles… Wrote 3pp. to M— to say I should not be back till Friday.

  Thursday 20 December [Market Weighton]

  My father & I set off at 9½ in the gig to Selby, distance from here, 16 miles & from Market Weighton, 18 miles… Very bad roads… My father drove there in 3¼ hours. Stopt at the Inn close to the church – a very good Inn & surely not dear. George’s dinner & the 2 horses’ corn & hay, and our own lunch (cold beef, cold ham, goose-pie, tarts & bread & butter & ale) charged only 6/6… I drove home in 3½ hours & got back at 6¼… the 2 men met us at our own gate – one with a lanthorn, which in fact did no good but only made the darkness visible. A drop on one side & a moderately deep one on the other, neither very discernible. 1 of the men led the gig horse the latter part of the ½ mile thro’ the fields & I was well pleased to get safe back.

  Friday 21 December [York]

  The mare stiffish & rather knocked up with her journey yesterday, & I could not get off from Low Grange till 11… Drove off… in the midst of wind & rain which were just come on. Tried the mare with a pint of warm ale at Simpson’s but she would not touch, nor did she eat well this morning or yesterday. Never saw an animal so idle & sluggish withal. She took more whipping even than yesterday &, a little beyond Barby Moor new inn, seemed determined to go no further. Went back to the house to get a poster. The man at the inn said it would break a pair. His horses were much worked by the coaches, etc., & civilly but positively said he really could not let me have a horse. Gave the mare a little warm water & made George drive forwards to York. The mare stopt 2 or 3 times & would turn in at 2 or 3 public houses by the way, & by dint of hard whipping, brought us here at last (Dr Belcombe’s, Petergate) in 4 hours… So sleepy with being so much out in the air, & so harassed one way or other that I could scarce keep my eyes open & was obliged to come upstairs to bed directly after tea.

  Monday 24 December [York]

  M— & I went out together at 2. Went to Breary’s. I ordered lamps to my gig & paid him for the gig & all its appurtenances, £65 2s.

  Sunday 25 December [York]

  M— & I went to speak to Mrs Small in College Street, who keeps the most respectable register office for servants in York. We then went to the Minster in time for the anthem, & walked about the aisles till service was over. What a magnificent building. How striking the effect of its being lighted up throughout! Which it is every Sunday & was today… After dinner, all danced & made merry with the children, & I, while they played commerce [?] with them, came upstairs & finished the journal of yesterday & wrote this of today.

  Thursday 27 December [Halifax]

  We got to Halifax a little before 6, having been 2 hours all but 5 minutes in coming from Bradford, so bad were the roads… My uncle & aunt well & very glad to see us. Dinner soon after 7. M— rather tired. Came upstairs a few minutes before 11.

  Saturday 29 December [Halifax]

  At 1, M— & I set off in the gig to Halifax… In driving up the main street, ran against a cart-wheel & in backing the gig, was as near as possible upset. We were just down on the left side but the crowd of men about righted & saved us. M— was shockingly nervous. I felt cool & composed. The horse behaved most marvellously well. My aunt Lister’s servant, Thomas Greenwood, was one of those who prevented our overturning by lifting us up before we fell to the ground & he afterwards walked by the side & mostly led the horse thro’ the town & went with us a little way up the bank till George came… In our return from Halifax, M— got out & walked down the Cunnery Lane. In the evening, M— & my uncle played whist against my aunt & me… Rainy day, came upstairs at 10.35.

  1822

  Thursday 3 January [Halifax]

  M— & I sat all the morning in the hall, writing letters… I wrote… to Isabella Norcliffe (Langton) to thank her mother, in my uncle & aunt’s name, for a hare & brace of partridges received yesterday week – to announce my safe arrival here – say we should be glad to see her… Came upstairs at 10½. Sat up talking till after 1. M— teaching me to do my front hair & we laughed heartily at my awkwardness. We are very fond of each other & perfectly happy together.

  Sunday 6 January [Halifax]

  M— very low tonight. We sat up talking & consoling each other & latterly in playful dalliance & gentle excitement. Our hearts are mutually & entirely attached. We never loved & trusted each other so well & have promised ourselves to be together in six years from this time. Heaven grant it may be so.

  Monday 7 January [Halifax]

  The carriage at the door at 9.10… Went with M— as far as a couple of miles beyond Ripponden, where they drove us in 40 minutes, then, meeting the Highflier coach, left M—, got into it & reached Halifax in an hour… M— & I had parted tolerably but the sight of my room was melancholy. I sighed & said to myself, ‘She is gone & it is as tho’ she has never been.’ I was getting very low & therefore sat down to write my journal… Then obli
ged to while away my time talking to my aunt & doing nothing. How dull without M—, my wife & all I love… Felt very low & dull. Oh, that M— & I were together. Had a fire at night contrary to my usual custom. It cheered the room a little but everything looked, & I felt, desolate.

  Sunday 20 January [Halifax]

  My aunt & I read the morning service. Before & during dinner detected the two little errors in my summary which have caused me a good deal of trouble, tho’ I never in my life before was so quick & correctly ready at adding up. My expenses last year were £70& three-halfpence, & on the first day of this year I had a balance in hand of one hundred and thirteen pounds, seven shillings & sevenpence farthing. Thank God that I am in so prosperous a way.

  Monday 21 January [Halifax]

  Walked to Halifax. Was there just before the mail arrived &, after waiting some time for a chaise at the Union Cross, brought Isabella with me & we got in at 5½. She is looking well but has got a bad cold… Came upstairs at 11. Melancholy enough at the thought of going to bed with Tib. I cannot even affect any warmth towards her.

  Tuesday 22 January [Halifax]

  One of the Mr Taylors (the young man) came at 7 this morning to destroy the old mare, Diamond. He stabbed her thro’ the heart & she was dead in less than 5 minutes & buried immediately… At 12, off in the gig to Halifax. Called at Isabella’s washerwoman, then drove a little up Pellon Lane, then thro’ the town… Got home between 2 & 3… Tib drove from Halifax to Lightcliffe this morning. I really think I am as good, tho’ not quite so stylish a driver as she. She ran us with the top against the wool sacks on a cart at the bottom of the Cunnery Lane & if all the horses had not been steady it might have been awkward. In spite of her not allowing herself to be ever frightened at anything, she was rather nervous after it.

  Monday 28 January [Halifax]

  Did nothing in the afternoon & evening, till 9, when I came upstairs… Talking of my sleeping with Eliza Belcombe, said I should not like it, & that I was much altered of late in all these matters. Tib laughed, looked incredulous, bade me not say so, & added, ‘It would be unnatural in you not to like sleeping with a pretty girl.’ I thought of M—, as I do perpetually & that for her I could & would do anything. Tib is affectionate, seems happy here & is quieter than she used to be. She appears to have no suspicion of my living [with] & loving seriously, any other than herself. Poor soul, I know how she will take it when the truth comes out.

  Anne paid a short visit to York to deal with her father’s affairs.

  Saturday 2 February [Leeds]

  George & I off in the gig at 3½. The wind & rain so boisterous at the top of the bank we could scarcely weather it. However, Percy [her new horse] brought us here (the White Horse, Boar Lane, Leeds), 19 miles in 2¾ hours, tho’ it blew hard &… I was obliged to hold my hat on, tho’ Isabella lent me her beaver… Got in at 6… ordered dinner, boiled haddock, veal cutlets, tarts, jelly & preserved winesours and a pint of port wine… This is a very comfortable inn. The wind seems even a good deal higher & it is a stormy, boisterous night… Not being able to have the top up as we came, the rain beat in about the cushions. The seat part was wet & I was, on this account, obliged to change all my clothes as soon as I got in.

  Sunday 3 February [Leeds]

  Very comfortable bed… Had a great deal to do this morning to get Isabella’s hat to look decent after its soaking yesterday afternoon… At 10, off to York & Percy brought us in 3 hours, 20 minutes so that we arrived at the Belcombes at 1.24. Sent George & the gig & horse to the Black Swan because he told me as we came along that he thought the people at the George were not very attentive to servants, & besides, they put him into a damp bed.

  Anne returned to Halifax after attending to the business of taking a property agent around her father’s estate. It had been agreed that the only way for Captain Lister to become solvent was to sell off his property and settle himself and Marian either abroad or in Northgate House, Halifax. Isabella Norcliffe was still at Shibden Hall when Anne arrived back on Friday 8 February.

  Friday 15 February [Halifax]

  After dinner, long & rather sparring conversation with Tib about M—, of whom she is perpetually jealous. She says I am not to think she has ever been gulled. She thinks M— is almost tired of C— & wants to have me. I fought off, saying I should not like another man’s leavings. Tib owns M— might marry almost anybody if she was at liberty. Talked to Tib of the impossibility of Tib & I living together because she must be with Charlotte, but hinted that I should get someone & hoped Tib would come & see me. She would if she might sleep but never otherwise, but I might go & see her if I did not take my companion with me.

  Saturday 9 March [Halifax]

  Called at Whitley’s. Saw there the Leeds Mercury & my father’s estate advertised in it. Went to the library for a little while then went back to Northgate & met my uncle there. Isabella had walked to the library newsroom & came to Northgate just after I had got in… She had bought some smelts, & I brought them home as fast as I could to be in time for dinner… Got Isabella 1oz (1/6) Macouba snuff, said to be made by M., a Frenchman in the island of Martinique but, as Suter observed, it is most likely made in London. It is the most expensive kind of snuff.

  Friday 15 March [Halifax]

  Mr Edward Priestley called between 10 & 11 to give Isabella some melon seed… At 12½, Isabella & I set off in the gig. Went to her washer woman in Pellon Lane… Then proceeded along the moor to King Cross & then to Haugh-end, where we arrived at 2¼. Dined & spent the day there… Isabella gave imitations of Mad[eline?], Duchesnois of the Théâtre français,1 & Talma, & Mrs Siddons, and of the Roman Catholic priests at high mass abroad, & made herself very agreeable. We staid till 9½. Had the lamps lighted, drove home very leisurely & got in at 10.40 after having spent a pleasant day.

  Whilst Anne had been away from home attending to her father’s financial affairs, her Aunt Lister, who had lived at Northgate for many years, died and the property became vacant. When Anne began to discuss the possibility of letting the property with Isabella, it became the cause of a row between the two women, during which it became clear that Isabella must give up any idea of sharing her life fully with Anne. Anne was relieved that the issue had been resolved in view of her strengthened commitment to M—.

  Sunday 17 March [Halifax]

  Told my uncle as soon as I came in that Mrs Walker had said Mrs Rawdon Briggs had asked her if Northgate would be let & that Mrs Walker knew of several people who would be glad to take it. After dinner, Isabella came upstairs & told me my uncle had asked her if she did not think the whole town would be up if my father did not live at Northgate, to which she replied ‘Yes!’, she thought it would. I unluckily & thoughtlessly said, ‘How different M— would have judged.’ Tib took this in desperate dudgeon. Nothing I could say would appease her. She saw through me – she saw what I was – I had been guilty of the utmost grossness – she wished I had M— with me &, for her own part, it was well she was going so soon & she would never trouble me anymore – she had come for the last time. I did all I could to pacify & asked her to give me a kiss. She said she did not want one. I then said, ‘Ask for one when you do,’ & then went downstairs. She was out of sorts all the afternoon & evening, tho’ downstairs almost all the time. She said nothing when we came to bed. I waited a minute or two to give her an opportunity & then went to undress.

  Monday 18 March [Halifax]

  Got up without saying a word. Told Tib at a quarter past nine it was time to get up & I should order the gig to be ready for her a quarter before twelve. She merely asked if I should not go. I said I thought not, I was very bilious, & she just said she was sorry. I took little notice of her at breakfast but told them all I was bilious. She followed me upstairs & asked what made me so cross? I saw she was coming round & I told her I thought she behaved very ill & that it was for her to ask for a kiss if she wanted one. First she wished I had M—, then she was sorry for what she had done, would not do so any more, etc. Could not bear to
think she did not suit me. Loved me better than anything in the world. It would be my fault if we did not live together. I quietly told her we never should & persisted that she did not suit & it was best to be candid at once. She cried a little & said she was very unhappy. I bade her cheer up & said there was no reason why we should not always be very good friends. She could not bear me to talk so. However, I gave her a kiss or two & we got the time over till twelve. At a few minutes before twelve, Isabella set off in the gig.

  Tuesday 19 March [Halifax]

  Tib & I parted without any nervousness. She said she would come again next year. I hope not. I am much happier not to have her & am glad enough that she is gone; that I have got my room comfortably to myself. She does not suit me at all.

  Friday 29 March [Halifax]

  Letter (notewise ½ sheet of paper) from Isabella (Langton), to say she had sent my aunt a graft of the 2nd year of the white moss-rose.

  Sunday 14 April [Halifax]

  Went downstairs a very little after 9 so as to have ½ hour before church for reading 2 or 3 old papers my uncle gave me last night. He & my aunt staid at home (it looked likely to rain) but I went to the old church… Home at 2¼. Staid out so long chiefly on account of my right eye, which felt very weak after being exceedingly incommoded by the draughts of air at church, admitted thro’ the interstices cut at the bottom of the pew to admit hot air when the church is heated. I was obliged to keep my eyes shut, leaning on one hand, both while sitting & standing, almost the whole of the service time. These draughts of air are also very cold about one’s legs & I was starved, tho’ the morning has been so fine & pleasantly warm. Began Dr Johnson’s tour to the Hebrides, A Journey to the Western Islands of Scotland… My aunt & I read aloud the evening service… Staid down to supper & had a plate of hasty pudding & an old coffee cup full of treacle by way of physic, my bowels having been confined for several days. My aunt also took a little, with the same view… Near half-hour mending things & airing them.