The Secret Diaries Of Miss Anne Lister

by Helena Whitbread

  Anne was back in Halifax on Christmas Eve.

  Tuesday 31 December [Halifax]

  The end of another year! God grant that I may go on improving in virtue, in happiness & in knowledge.

  1823

  Friday 10 January [Halifax]

  At 11, my aunt & I were off in the gig to Pye Nest… Sat ½ hour with Mrs E. & her daughter, Delia & sons, Charles, Henry and Thomas. A sad, vulgar set. I said nothing but my aunt exclaimed about it as soon as we were out of the house. I thought she would. The servant came in with his linen jacket & apron on.

  Wednesday 29 January [Halifax]

  Went to Northgate. My father gone since 12 to an assessed taxes meeting. Sat with Marian till 3.50… She thinks the housekeeping will only be about eight pounds a month now, instead of ten as at first. Mainly advised her getting my father to give her ten shillings a week for pocket money when he settles the week’s accounts. This will be twenty-six pounds a year, with which she thinks she can do.

  Thursday 30 January [Halifax]

  Called at the Saltmarshes’. Sat 40 minutes with Emma Saltmarshe. She had a headache & was not well, but she told me of the splendid ball & supper the other night at the Moores’ at Northowram Hall. The company were obliged to walk up & down the hill. The horses could not keep their feet. Many hair’s breadth escapes. Mrs Pollard staid all night. Durst not return. About 60 persons there. Magnificent supper. Everything from Liverpool, even the pastry. So handsome an entertainment never given here. Yet was outdone by the ball & supper at Mr James Rawdon’s of Underbank last Monday. 20 different sorts of wines. All sorts of fruit, French, Portuguese, etc. None of the visitors ever saw anything so splendid. 85 persons there. 42 staid all night. 2 ladies to each bed. The gents in 1 room (a warehouse) as Emma called it, ‘the dormitory’. Very comfortable. The floor covered with small mattresses, 1 for each gentleman, & plenty of covering or bedclothes. 45 sat down to breakfast next morning. Great betting & gambling. No long whist – nothing but shorts & loo plaid [sic] all night & till ten the next morning.

  Saturday 15 February [Halifax]

  Letter from M— (Lawton)… I know not how it is. I am beginning (to have) not sufficient interest in her letters. Perhaps I am best satisfied to think little upon the subject & certainly she is not constantly in my mind. How will this all end? Were I to meet with anyone who thoroughly suited me, I believe I should regret being at all tied… Oh, that this were not so. How will it all end?

  During the month of February, Anne met a new friend, Miss Pickford, who was staying with her sister, Mrs Wilcock, and with whom she struck up a strong, platonic friendship. The two women’s intellects were well-matched as were their natures. As they became more friendly, Miss Pickford began to confide in Anne, telling her about her relationship with a Miss Threlfall. Anne began to suspect that the involvement was that of lover and loved, as was hers with M—. The town was again on the alert to Anne’s new friendship.

  Sunday 16 February [Halifax]

  Called at the Saltmarshes’… I spoke chiefly in favour of Miss Pickford. They think her blue & masculine. She is called Frank Pickford. She frightens Emma & seems to enjoy doing so. Miss Pickford is certainly like a gentlewoman & clever, to neither of which can Emma, or the people here, lay claim. Miss Pickford’s friend, Miss Threlfall, has West India property. It was 5 or 6, or about 5 hundred a year, but has fallen to almost nothing.

  Monday 17 February [Halifax]

  Got to the lecture room at 12.10 by the old church… Sat next to Miss Pickford as usual… How I can still run after the ladies! She seems sensible & in my present dearth of people to speak [with], I should well enough like to know more of her. I talk a little to her just before & after the lecture &, if she were young & pretty, should certainly scrape acquaintance but, all things considered, I must be cautious. I have no house to ask her to. I must hope for some society in days to come.

  Wednesday 19 February [Halifax]

  Miss Pickford came up to me in the lecture room… I said I should be most happy to call upon her but it was quite out of my power to shew her any civility or attention under present circumstances &, not visiting her sister, there was a delicacy & awkwardness in the thing, but was glad to have met her at the lectures & should always be happy when any casualty gave me the pleasure of seeing her. She said she had often thought I should be congenial with herself. Had moved to me & tried all ways to renew our acquaintance 1st formed 9 or 10 years ago (in 1813) at Bath, but she found it would not do. Thought I had quite forgotten her, did not know her, & she had given up the hope of succeeding. I said I had been asked 2 or 3 times to meet her & had always refused, not wishing to increase my acquaintances at present, but I was glad I had not known what I had lost…

  Asked Miss Pickford if she should return in a chair. No. Offered to walk back with her. Left her a moment to order the gig, which was waiting for me, to follow. On its beginning to rain a little, said I should ask her to take a seat with me in the gig but I had a young horse, only in the 2nd time. She said she had no fear & we both drove off. Among other things, I noticed Mr W—’s having called the air ‘she’. Miss Pickford spoke of the moon being made masculine by some nations, for instance, by the Germans. I smiled & said the moon had tried both sexes, like old Tiresias,1 but that one could not make such an observation to every one. Of course she remembered the story? She said yes. I am not quite certain, tho’, whether she did or not. ’Tis not everyone who would (vid. Ovid Metamorphoses). This led us to talk of saying just what came uppermost, sure that one’s meaning would always be properly taken. She held out her hand to shake hands. I set her down at Mrs Wilcock’s gate & we parted very good friends.

  Wednesday 26 February [Halifax]

  Changed my dress & got ready to drive to Halifax to call on Miss Pickford. Off at 11¼, drove the black mare… Sat with Miss Pickford from 11.55 to 12.35. Found her very pleasant & agreeable. She went to ask Mrs Wilcock to come in, but Mrs Wilcock was very busy writing & could not appear. I think she did not choose it &, in fact, we were just as well without her. I talked very unreservedly & we seemed to suit & like each other very well. I played with scissors or anything that was on the table & seemed much at my ease. Said I generally formed my judgement of people in a minute. Was much pleased with her for saying at once she had been reading Madame Marcet’s Conversations on Chemistry & Natural Philosophy when I asked if she was prepared on these subjects. Yet, on coming away, I felt as if I might have comported myself better & [am] not satisfied with myself.

  Thursday 27 February [Halifax]

  Told Miss Pickford I was going about a servant to Willowfield & would walk with her as far as Savile-Hill… She is certainly pleasant & agreeable & seems by no means displeased with my attentions… After parting with her, walked forwards to speak to Mary Noble [a girl whom Anne wished to employ as a servant at Shibden Hall]… She looked pale & pretty & interesting. Had been rather unwell. I staid ¾ hour, telling her I would call sometimes to see her, at which she appeared much pleased. I mused as I returned. Thought of giving her something. What should it be? Thought of making up to her. She is pretty. If it were safe to venture, fancied I might visit her occasionally &, if I could contrive to have the house clear, might manage matters… Got home at 5.10. Found my father & Marian here. They had come up in high glee with the Leeds Intelligencer. Marian delighted to tell us ministers had taken 50 per cent off the window, horse & carriage taxes… Did nothing in the evening. Harriet Baxter left us this afternoon & went to live with the Prestons of Greenroyde. Elizabeth Wilkes Cordingley (our old servant) came in the evening to assist us.

  Friday 28 February [Halifax]

  Went with [Miss Pickford] thro’ the market-place… We are certainly very gracious. She will be here again in the summer & will bring down her sister, Mrs Alexander, who is very particular. Wants Miss Pickford to wear a bonnet, etc., which she therefore does sometimes when she is teased into it. She cares nothing about dress; never notices it. Speaking of her liking another tour
abroad, I said I should like a tour with her. We should not tease each other about wearing bonnets. She is a regular oddity with, apparently, a good heart. Talking of quarrels, she always forgot them. She could not support the dignity of a quarrel. As to not noticing dress, etc., she supposes me like herself. How she is mistaken! She loves her habit & hat. She is better informed than some ladies & a godsend of a companion in my present scarcity, but I am not an admirer of learned ladies. They are not the sweet, interesting creatures I should love. I take hold of her arm & give her the outside & suit her humour.

  Saturday 1 March [Halifax]

  Set off to Halifax at 12… Got to the lecture room in 20 minutes… Followed Miss Pickford into the room. Talked a few minutes. She thought Lord Byron the best poet of the day. Always got up languid from the perusal of Moore, & prefers Milton to all other poets… Miss Pickford asked if I had anything particular to do. No! I had got into the habit of walking home with her, it was an agreeable habit & I should be happy to keep it up today. We called at 2 or 3 shops (I shook hands with our vicar at Whitley’s)… & I left her at Mrs Wilcock’s gate. She had told me that by pronouncing some words properly, e.g. satellites (in 4 syllables), giving plants their botanical names, etc., she had been called ridiculous. Had made some foolish enough to be afraid of her. I said I could bear witness to some instances of the latter which, had I known her sooner, I should certainly have mentioned to her. I always made a point of considering with whom I was, whether they were literary or not & that, according to this, I always regulated my conversation & therefore avoided, I believed, the imputation either of pedantry or conceit. Strongly advised her pursuing the same course. Said I had thrown off all reserve in my conversation with her. Talked of learned ladies having no medium in their agreeableness in general. Literature was anything but desirable if it interfered with any of the kindred charities of domestic life. She took my arm today. Seemed to do it naturally & never think of offering hers. She certainly likes me & perhaps I shall soften her a little, by & by… She afterwards alluded to the loss of her oldest sister, who had taken great care of her, who was a delightful companion & with whom she could never have been dull anywhere. She owned she was sometimes vapourish & often, in very cold weather, so rheumatic she could not stir… Went into the stable for a minute or two on returning from Halifax… Went down to dinner at 6.20, rather later on account of continuing to have it by candle-light.

  Wednesday 5 March [Halifax]

  Miss Pickford & her niece, Miss Wilcock (about 9 or 10) called at 11.55 & staid till 12¾. My aunt was just setting off to walk to Halifax but came into the room for ¼ hour or 20 minutes & seemed to like Miss Pickford very well. She had very good-humouredly brought me a very nice pair of cloth (Kerseyman) gloves to drive in… Walked with them to Halifax… The air, or something, seemed to have particularly exhilarated my spirits as I walked along, & I told Miss Pickford I was in my highest spirits & rattled away as much as I ever can do. Reminded her of several little things she had said. Hinted my suspicion that few had passed thro’ life without having known the force of early attachment… Got home at 5½. Dawdled with my aunt in the stable. Down to dinner at 6½… My aunt & I had been talking about my being not well. She fished hard. I did not tell her it was any venereal [matter] but my manner might have struck one more experienced. I ended by saying I had been unlucky & she said she believed M— was the cause of my illness. How, thought I to myself as I carelessly said, ‘Oh, no,’ there is many a true word spoken in joke. Mentioned going to Langton this autumn. If, after taking his medicines, mercury, this spring, I was not better, said perhaps Paris might do me good & my aunt said this should be managed if I thought so. My uncle went out for a few minutes. My aunt said we were but few of us, & spoke as if all hung, as it were, on me. Speaking of uneasiness, I said I had had more about M— than any other cause & never was so wretched in my life as in January, 1815. She thought it would have got the better [of me]. I said so did I, too, but I had got over it & things were different now. I could never feel so much again.

  Friday 7 March [Halifax]

  [Walked] home with Miss Pickford… I wish she would care a little more about dress. At least not wear such an old-fashioned, short-waisted, fright of a brown habit with yellow metal buttons as she had on this morning. Were she twenty years younger I could not endure it at all. Walked home with her & called to speak to Mrs Wilcock about a servant. This turned out all a humour, but I saw Mrs Wilcock & she was uncommonly civil. Said she should be most happy to see me & assured me she did not say what she did not think. The cloth laid, she a fat, dirty, vulgar, good sort of looking woman.

  Monday 10 March [Halifax]

  Went to the bank to draw my ½ year’s dividend but, finding they had placed it to my account, I left it so to remain there. Went to the Saltmarshes’ to ask about a servant that should have come up yesterday. She does not intend to go to place again. Staid about ½ hour. I am not satisfied with Emma. She is not as she used to be. I have long observed she [never] asks me to have a meal & never seems to wish me to prolong my visit. Is there any nonsense about Mrs Empson? ’Tis not unlikely. I shall take no notice but manage according to circumstance. I will gradually shorten & rarify my visits.

  Wednesday 12 March [Halifax]

  Wrote a note to Miss Pickford… to say I would call about 11 to walk with her… and set off myself at 10.40… to Mrs Wilcock’s. Waited some time. Miss Pickford had lost her pelisse. She put this & her gayters [sic] on in the sitting-room. I found fault with the latter, but she does not like boots. We talked about her sister… She spoke of Mr Wilcock as a great simpleton. I told her [her] sister’s vulgarity astonished me when I called. Our conversation all in the confidential style, but it begins to strike me that were there not such a dearth of companions here I should not care much for the society of Miss Pickford. I would rather have a pretty girl to flirt with. She is clever for a lady, but her style of manner & character do not naturally suit me. She is not lovable. Flattery, well-managed, will go down with her as well as others & she is open to it on the score of mentalities. My attentions have pleased her & she is taken with me… We walked back all along the high road to the White Lion to wait for the Manchester mail by which the sister of Mrs Wilcock’s governess was expected… We sauntered up & down the town… & then received the lady & another ½ sort of lady who appeared to be with her. Both, I think, shook hands with Miss Pickford. I had before observed it was very amiable in Miss Pickford thus to wait for the mail, saying how many there were who would have sent a servant. Miss Pickford thought I should have done as she did. I answered certainly – I hoped I should. I neither meant nor thought of insincerity at the moment but certainly I should have done no such thing. I do not quite admire all this. I had before told her that tho’ we had known each other but a short while, we had seen much of each other & [she] saw me as she would have seen me had she known me these seven years. She would never see me different & I hoped we shouid always continue equally good friends. Spoke of her coming to see me, etc. I begin to think a little of these things. I do not greatly admire Miss Pickford, nor have I ever behaved to her as if I did… I feel that I have jumped too soon to conclusions with Miss Pickford, but ’tis no matter. Time will set all right. She has not dignity enough for me. Till I get M— or someone else, I do believe I shall never know how to conduct myself to ladies. I am always getting into some scrape with them.

  Saturday 15 March [Halifax]

  Miss Pickford called at 1.05… My aunt seems to like her & I begin to like her better than I thought… I rattled away to her. Said how much I would like to see Miss Threlfall. Five minutes would do. She owned I had made some good hits about [her]. Wanted to know exactly what I thought. This I would not tell for fear of being wrong, for I would not make a mistake in such a case for sixpence. Talking in such a manner that if there is anything particular between them, Miss Pickford might possibly suppose I had it in mind. Miss Pickford thought gentlemen, in general, pleasanter than ladies. I said my feelin
gs with the one & the other were quite different. I felt it more incumbent to talk sense & felt more independent with gentlemen, but there was a peculiar tenderness in my intercourse with ladies & if I was going to take a walk, I should infinitely prefer a pleasant girl to any gentleman.

  Wednesday 19 March [Halifax]

  Sat with Mrs Wilcock & Miss Pickford ¼ hour or 20 minutes… she goes by the mail at 7 tomorrow morning… Went to the baths at 12.40. Left Miss Pickford for 55 minutes while she took a hot bath, heated to 96°, in which she continued 30 minutes. She sometimes stays in 40 minutes, advised by 2 physicians for rheumatism. She has nothing on in the bath… Rattled on as usual… in a style which, if she has much nous on the subject, might let her into my real character towards ladies, but perhaps she does not understand these things.

  Wednesday 26 March [Halifax]

  Bridget Whitehead, our new housemaid, (aged 19) from Hopton, near Mirfield, came about 4½ this afternoon. Her father, a respectable-looking farmer, brought her on horseback behind him.

  Thursday 27 March [Halifax]

  A note from Mr Duffin [York]… The officers of this regiment (2nd Dragoon Guards) are to give a breakfast at the race stand with races afterwards, on the 9th, & a ball in the evening & Mr Duffin wishes me to be there in time for these gaieties… Stood musing over my own fire about going to York sooner than I had intended.