If there was ever a moment to doubt how much he loved this woman, now was not that time. She was strong, capable of putting her own feelings aside – feelings he now understood – and hands down, the greatest woman he had ever met.
He looked down at Lil, her head buried in the crook of his shoulder. It was like he was seeing her for the first time. How had he let her go? Just walked away without any sort of fight? That wasn’t them. They were stronger than that. They always had been. How had they let things get so bad between them? He had answers now. Answers he didn’t before. He knew the pain, the anguish she had gone through. The loneliness she felt without him being there for her. Sam had to figure out how he was going to handle everything, but for right now all he wanted to do was revel in the fact that she was snuggled next to him. He wanted to re-memorize every curve of her body. Every sound she made as his fingers traced over her skin. He wanted a repeat of last night because he finally had the woman of his dreams back in his bed. Her bed. Their bed. Any bed.
Should Sam tell her he remembered as soon as she woke up? Would she be happy? Or would she retreat, insisting he call Chloe and give her the news?
Sam was caught between doing what his head wanted and what his heart wanted. He knew he needed to call Chloe, but did that mean it had to be today? Couldn’t he enjoy this day with Lil? Yes, he decided. He could. And telling her first thing would not make the day what it should be. It should be about family and friends. Not figuring out what he was going to do from here.
What was he going to do? He wondered. Again, the tug of war between his brain and his emotions pulled back and forth. What happened the last time he had used his brain instead of going with what his gut told him? He lost Lil.
Not today, he concluded. Today they would be Sam and Lil. Two people in love celebrating Christmas however they wanted. If she wanted to curl up on the couch and watch the all-day marathon of A Christmas Story (even through he prayed she wouldn’t), he would do it. If she wanted to go to church, he’d dress up and hold her hand, thanking God for all the blessings in his life. If she wanted to stay right here in bed and allow him to love her all over, well then, that was fine with him.
Maybe his conscience should have been telling him that wanting to make love to Lil over and over again was wrong. How could his brain argue with him that something was so wrong when it felt so right? Being with Lil felt right. It felt better than right. It felt amazing.
Lil stirred in his arms and he couldn’t stop himself from kissing the top of her head, then rolling onto his side and propping his head up on his hand, watching her slowly wake. His finger traced over her eyelids, down the slope of her nose to her plump lips. Lips he had to kiss.
He leaned over and put his mouth on hers, taking her top lip between both of his. She responded by moving her bottom lip over his own. With his hand resting on her hip, Lil moaned as it moved higher and higher until he was meet with the soft, supple flesh of her breast. He cupped the mound in his hand, tweaking her budded nipples between his fingers. She moved slowly, throwing her leg over him and sitting up until their naked bodies were aligned. She opened her eyes and smiled feeling Sam’s reaction hard between them.
“Good morning,” he said, pushing her hair off of her face.
“It’s about to be an even better one,” she said as she sat up enough to grasp his erection in her hands and glide him to the second warmest part of her body. Her heart had already warmed him from the inside out.
~~~~
They lay glistening from sweat in each other’s arms, their hands linked together over his heart. The heart that would always beat for her. Had sex with Lil always been like this for him? Had it always made him want to tackle the world? Had he always felt so complete, so sure of everything? How could have left her? He had to tell her his reasons but again, in doing so, it brought up the fact his memories had returned. He would tell her why he left. She needed to know.
“What did you have planned today?” she asked him. She moved their joined hands over the light dusting of hair on his chest.
“Spending it with you,” he replied.
He felt her smile without having to see it. “Ellie does a Christmas lunch every year.” She tilted her head up to see his face. “Would you like to go with me?”
“Love to,” He brought their hands up to his mouth, placing a kiss on her palm.
It was a little past noon when they arrived at Ellie and Zach’s house. Lil led them into the house, holding Sam’s hand as she pulled him behind her.
“Merry Christmas,” Lil called out. Ellie and Zach came out of a room, Sam assumed was the kitchen, to greet their guests.
Hugs, kisses, and more well wishes for the day were passed along by each of them. Sam helped Lil out of her coat, before removing his own. Zach took them from him, offering Sam something to drink as he moved out of the room.
“Whatever you have,” Sam replied. Lil gave Sam a quick kiss as she left with Ellie to help prepare the meal they were about to eat. Sam took that moment, alone in the modest living room, to look around. Pictures he was sure Lil had taken of Ellie and Zach were all over the walls. There were some of just the two of them, and some with Lil included. His gut tightened when he realized that the three of them had been taking trips together, Lil acting as the third wheel. He should have been there with them. She shouldn’t have had to act like the best friend they included in their vacations because she had no one. She could have had him, if only he had pulled his head out of his ass all those years ago.
Sam didn’t realize Zach had reentered the room until he spoke from behind him.
“The three of us went on a cruise a year and a half ago,” Zach said nodding to the picture of them in front of the southernmost point in North America. Zach laughed as he looked at the memory on the wall. “Lil was sick for most of it. It was her first time on a boat and the ocean was too much for her.”
Sam nodded, hating himself a little more than he already did as Zach told him stories about all the trips they had been on. Each picture had a story behind it.
Zach and Ellie’s first Christmas.
The first trip they had all taken together.
One-year anniversary pictures. Two-year anniversary pictures.
Sam felt overwhelmed looking at them all. Lil had a life after he left. Granted, it didn’t appear to be the kind of life she, or he, had imagined for her, but she moved on. Then again, so had he. He was going to make up for the last three years. Come hell or high water, he was going to do what he could to make sure her house, their house, was filled again with pictures of old memories and the new ones he intended to make with her.
He would have to call off the wedding. Sam took a long pull from the glass of sweet tea Zach had handed him. He had a few days to figure out what to say to Chloe. He had time.
“Dinner’s ready,” Lil said, coming around the corner to where the boys were standing in the living room. “What are you two looking at?” She walked deeper into the room, sliding in next to Sam and wrapping her arms around his waist like it was the most natural thing in the world. He loved that she was so comfortable with him. Had he told her his memory was back, he knew she wouldn’t be this way with him. He was selfish to keep such important, vital information to himself, but for one more day he wanted what he had been missing. These precious moments with Lil.
Lil laughed as she punched Zach in the arm. “I take it you told him about my seasickness?” She turned her head to Sam, her eyes crinkling in the corners from her smile. “He tells everyone how sick I was on that trip.”
“Hey, wasn’t my fault you couldn’t handle the rocking of the boat.”
Sam noticed the blush rise on Lil’s face and he had to wonder if she was thinking about the rocking of their own they had done last night and first thing this morning. He pulled her closer and kissed the side of her head.
“You give yourself away when you turn red like that,” he whispered in her ear, which only caused her to flush to deepen. Sam chuckled.
Zach led them into the kitchen where a feast fit for a king was spread out on the table.
“Ellie,” Sam said, eying the turkey, ham, cornbread dressing, sweet potatoes, mashed potatoes, green beans, corn… all the food set out before them.
“Sit,” she instructed, officially cutting Sam off.
The four of them took their seats, making small talk between bites. Sam and Lil told them about Paul’s party, causing both Ellie and Zach to laugh at the antics of Sam’s Uncle Peter. Lil joked with Ellie that she had booked her first photographer session. Ellie was going to have the honor of photographing Uncle Peter in the nude. The whole table erupted in laughter; even Ellie took the joke in stride.
Sam even went as far as to tell them about his conversation with his brother. Lil had taken his hand in hers as he recalled how hurt his brother had looked. Inside, Sam was beginning to feel ill as he thought back on what everyone had told him about the man he had turned into. Kane, Abe, and his brother: they all had said the same thing. Sam was a grade A asshole. Just another thing to change now that he knew how his actions had hurt everyone he cared about.
When dinner was done, Sam offered to help Ellie with the dishes. Lil and Zach nearly ran out of the room, glad that they wouldn’t have to have any part in the clean up.
They stood side by side at the kitchen sink. Ellie washing while Sam dried the dishes.
“Thanks for having us over, Ellie,” Sam said. She looked over at him, her arms elbow deep in soapy water and smiled.
“I have her over every year.” At that statement, Ellie’s face fell. “I hate she’s been alone. I hate she’s never gotten over you. But, I guess I should be glad you’re here now. For however long that may be.”
Sam thought back on the words that Lil used to express her love for him the night before. It wasn’t just saying I love you in the heat of the moment. It was saying those words for all the years that passed between them. I always have and I always will, her sweet voice had said.
Sam swallowed and said softly, “I’ve never gotten over her either.”
As soon as the words left his mouth, Sam realized what he said. The dish Ellie had been washing dropped with a loud clatter against the sink. She turned ever so slowly to face him.
“What did you say?”
Sam winced. The wrath of Ellie was not something he wanted to face. He had seen too many guys at the bar coping one feel too many see just how deadly Ellie was.
Sam looked away, not able to meet her death glare. “Sam,” she said in a menacing tone. “Do you remember?”
He nodded instead of verbally answering her as his throat felt suddenly dry.
“How long?” She inquired. “And don’t give me some bullshit answer.”
Sam licked his lips. “This morning.”
“Does Lil know? What am I asking, of course she doesn’t know. If she did, you wouldn’t be here and she’d be like a fucking zombie.” Ellie dried her hands off with a dishtowel, and put one hand on her hip. “God damnit, Sam!” She said her voice low and stern. “When are you going to tell her?”
“Tonight?” he said the word in the form of a question, silently asking Ellie if that was the correct answer.
“You’re damn right you are. She deserves to know,” she said. She punctuated her words by poking her finger, hard, into his chest.
“I know,” Sam said, stressed. “I know that. I plan to tell her everything, Ellie, I swear, but Lil isn’t the only person at stake here. Whether you, Lil or even I like Chloe, I still have to be honest with her.”
“And why’s that, Sam? Because the way I see it, you have two options. You tell Lil the truth and vow to spend the rest of your pathetic life making the last three years up to her while calling Chloe and calling the wedding off, or you tell Lil you appreciate her help in the last few weeks, but you’re going through with the wedding. Either way, know this. You hurt her once before and it took her a damn longtime for her to recover. I should know, I was there. You’ve been given a second chance with her, Sam. You hurt her again and I can guarantee you there will not be a third. So,” she said, crossing her arms over her chest. “Someone is going to get hurt in all of this. You have to decide whose heart you can live with breaking.”
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SECOND RATE CHANCES
CHAPTER 25
It was early evening when Lil and Sam returned to the house. It was so easy to begin thinking of it as theirs again when he had been spending so much time there. She wanted to joke with him that he should just move his stuff in but Lil knew that would like asking for trouble. Or in her case, asking for her heart to get broken.
Sam was unnaturally quiet on the drive, which caused a thousand and one different scenarios to run through her mind. Did he regret the night they shared, or that morning? Was it too much to ask him to spend Christmas with her, having lunch with Zach and Ellie? Did he hate himself seeing all the pictures on their walls of the countless trips she had taken with the couple? No point in worrying over any of that. What happened, and she wouldn’t change any of it. Well, except for being the third wheel on vacations. It would have been nice to have Sam by her side.
They took off their coats once inside and Sam readied a fire. Lil took two mugs down with the intentions of making them each a cup of her grandmother’s homemade hot chocolate. She didn’t get as far as taking out the ingredients when she felt Sam wrap his arms around her waist.
“I need to talk to you,” he said, kissing her on the cheek. She turned around, afraid her face would give away the emotions spiraling through her head.
“About what?” she asked.
He took her by the hand and led her to the living room. He sat on the couch, tugging her hand so that she would follow suite. Lil didn’t like this. She had a bad feeling in her gut that was telling her something was wrong. Judging by the look on Sam’s face, she knew her instinct was right.
Lil watched him struggle for words by running his hands through his hair then burying his face in his hands. She wanted desperately to reach out to him, take his hands in hers, and tell him that whatever it was they would get through together.
When he finally settled long enough to look at her, his expression was grim. “Lil,” he started but suddenly stopped himself. He took a deep breath, sucking all of the air in the room leaving Lil none. He could have it all. She wasn’t going to be able to breathe until he said whatever had him looking so worried.
“I remember,” he said so softly Lil wondered if she had heard him correctly.
“You…” He nodded. “Remember? Everything?” He nodded again.
Lil sat with her hands in her lap, looking down at the scuffed boots on her feet. Anywhere other than having to see the pitiful look in his eyes. She had feared this moment, knowing it would come eventually. For a moment she thought she was going to be sick. All that food she had devoured earlier was threatening to come back up.
What did this mean for them? Was he going to walk away, back to his life? Should Lil let him go? Give him a friendly hug and tell him everything would be okay? She did what was asked of her and she understood that he had to move on?
All of those questions were replaced by the sudden anger Lil was feeling. She raised her head and hoped that he could see the daggers being thrown his way in her eyes.
“When?” She said through clenched teeth. “When did you remember?”
He reached for her hand but she snatched it away before he could touch her. When he touched her she lost all train of thought and right now, she needed a clear, level head to face this.
He seemed even more defeated when his eyes grew pleading with her. He needed her touch to ground him, keep himself secure as he spoke. She needed answers and she needed them now.
“This morning,” he said. Lil’s eyes grew wide.
“Before or after I climbed in your lap and rode you like the prized pony at the horse show?”
Her words made him wince. He must have hated the analogy she used but she couldn’t exactly call it
what it was. She had made love to him that morning. She had let her body take over and do all the things she knew he loved. Now, she wasn’t sure if love played a part anymore.
“Before,” he answered. “But Lil, you have to know…you have to know that I wanted it. I wanted you,” he stressed.
Lil stood from the couch and began pacing the length of the room. Sure, she had had sex with Sam the night before, but it was easy for her to get lost in the feeling of him again when she knew he didn’t know how he felt for Chloe. She knew how he felt about her and that was all that mattered.
But this morning? This morning was different. He knew good and damn well how he felt about Chloe. He remembered he was about to be a married man, sleeping with his ex-girlfriend. Lil shivered. She suddenly felt dirty and used.
Sam’s phone decided to ring at that moment, snapping Lil out of her burning a hole through her hardwood floors. She looked at him, noticing his face- the way his eyes widened when he looked at the screen. Lil knew, without seeing the name, who it was.
“You should take that,” Lil said. Sam looked at her, a frown lines deepening across his features. “I’m sure she’s going to want to know. That is, if you haven’t already called her to share the wonderful news. Maybe she’s calling to let you know she’s at your condo waiting for you so that you can have an epic reunion.”
The words spun out of control as Lil accused him of telling Chloe before he told her the truth.
“Lil,” he said, standing to face her. The ringing of his phone silenced. “I swear to you, I haven’t called her. I haven’t told her anything.”
Lil closed her eyes and finally took a breath. Everything they had been doing these last few weeks was all in preparation for this moment. He was going to remember, he was going to leave, and Lil was powerless to stop him. When she opened her eyes, it broke her heart to say the words, but she knew, if she had any chance of recovering from losing her heart to him a second time, it was best to say it so they could both begin to move on.
Second Rate Chances Page 17