Songbird

by Jamie Campbell

  I didn’t know why I was so nervous, but my hands were sweaty and shaky as we entered. It was like visiting the scene of a crime. I could see myself in one of the beds with doctors huddled together, trying to get an IV in as I wriggled around trying to escape. It definitely wasn’t my finest hour.

  “Miss Wilcox.” A male in green scrubs hurried over, extending his hand so I could shake it. Dr Everly was stitched onto his pocket. “It’s so great to see you again. How are you?”

  “I’m doing really good, thanks to you.” How did you properly thank someone for saving your life? I had no idea what would be enough and I was certain I wouldn’t be able to do it justice.

  “You did all the hard work. You’re looking very well.”

  “I feel well.”

  “Good to hear.” He paused to stare at me for a minute. “Well, we’ve got a lot of excited people waiting to meet you today. Do you need anything before we begin?”

  “I’m ready.” And I did feel ready. Dr Everly had put me at ease. If everyone was going to be that nice, then this meet and greet was going to go well.

  He took me through my old wards so I could thank everyone who had helped me during my two week stay there. They were all super nice, nobody wanted to hassle me for being difficult – which was my main fear. I knew I wasn’t the best patient in the world, but I hoped I wasn’t their worst.

  Afterwards, Dr Everly took me through to the children’s ward where they were all waiting for me. Kids ranging in ages from just toddlers through to late teens were spread around the place, some too sick to leave their beds.

  My first feeling at seeing them was one of guilt. None of those kids deserved to be in the hospital, their young lives spent attached to machines and relying on medication. My own actions had caused me to end up there, I couldn’t believe how stupid I was to let myself get that way.

  I plastered on my smile and tried not to think of my own haunting ghosts. The day was about the kids, not me. I had to do everything I could to brighten their day and bring some joy into a place that probably didn’t see much.

  I was introduced to a thirteen year old girl while doing my rounds. She was tiny, nothing but skin and bones. I suspected cancer, judging by the thinned hair.

  Dr Everly introduced us. “This is Natalie. She has been with us for about a month now. Right, Nat?” She nodded, the bones of her face jutting out like they could pierce the skin. “Do you want to tell Miss Wilcox your story?”

  She nodded again and Dr Everly moved back so I could perch on the edge of her bed. She barely made a mound under the blankets.

  “I have anorexia nervosa,” Natalie said bluntly, her voice just a gasping whisper.

  I couldn’t stop the tears as they pooled in my eyes. Just hearing those words felt like a shooting pain in my heart. I rarely said it out loud, I rarely even thought it. Eating disorder was much more palatable.

  I grabbed her hand, instantly understanding every single thing she was going through. “I’m sorry to hear that. You’re getting help now?”

  “Thanks to you.”

  Thanks to me? I was the warning of what not to do, not the role model of who to follow. “I helped you?”

  “Mom told me how you got through anorexia. I listened to your music and I knew I could do it too. I got help before it was too late.”

  She was so precious – and so frail. I wrapped my arms around her, squeezing her as much as I dared. She was nothing but a bag of bones. I wondered if I had felt like that when my family had visited me? Did they look at me like I was looking at her?

  “You’re a smart girl, Natalie. Anorexia,” that word still caught in my throat, “is a killer. It’s a mean and horrible disease. You can never let it define you.”

  “I’m trying to fight it,” she replied, giving me a half-smile. “But some days I think it’s going to win.”

  I took both of her hands in mine, looking directly into her eyes so she couldn’t glance away. “It will never win if you don’t let it. Listen to your doctors, listen to your family, they are right. All those voices in your head, they are wrong, you can’t listen to them.”

  She nodded and I think she understood what I was saying. I hoped so anyway. If I could pay forward the help that I had received, then what I went through was worth it.

  “Will you sign my iPod?” She asked sweetly, taking away one of her hands so she could grab it from the side table.

  “Of course I can.”

  I didn’t want to leave Natalie but I had to, there were a lot more kids there that I needed to speak with.

  At lunchtime, I led a group singsong in the middle of the ward. It was just me, my guitar, and a dozen of my new friends. They threw song suggestions at me and I complied with every one of them.

  Looking around at the beaming faces, I knew I had done the right thing by coming there. Music was about healing, I really believed melodies could help restore a sick body by starting with the mind. I knew it worked because it saved my life.

  I played for longer than I was scheduled to. I didn’t want to turn any of the smiles upside down by stopping. Eventually it was Demi that had to put an end to our little party.

  “We have to go,” she interrupted gently, to a round of ‘aww’s’ from the kids. “Brierly is playing at the concert hall tonight, she can’t be late.”

  It took another hour before I could leave. I had to say goodbye to all the kids individually, signing and taking pictures for as long as they wanted. So many times I had to fight back tears at seeing their frail little bodies. It didn’t help ease my guilt at all.

  Chapter Eleven

  A soft tapping on my dressing room door stopped me in my tracks. I put down the fruit I was snacking on to answer it. I was all ready for the show, now I was merely wiling away time until my cue. It would come soon enough.

  Forest was standing there, I moved back so he could come in. I closed the door again, trying to keep a lid on the rumor mill. The pictures plastered all over the internet were enough fuel for the fire.

  He gave me a quick kiss as he went past. It sent a jolt of electricity through me. “How was your day?” I gestured for him to take a seat in the canvas chair beside mine.

  “Sound check and sitting around mostly,” he replied. “How was yours?”

  “It was fine,” I said casually. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to tell him how difficult the day was. I might not have been able to compose all my emotions.

  “Are you sure?” He probed further. He obviously knew where I went and why it was significant. I couldn’t imagine him being that insistent otherwise. I wondered what they all said about me behind my back. Was I the nutcase they all had to be careful of sending over the brink again? The crazy girl who chose not to eat for six months? I hated the thought of Forest hearing the rumors.

  He needed to hear it from the horse’s mouth. “It was a little difficult going back there, actually. But I really wanted to thank all the doctors and nurses who looked after me. If it wasn’t for them, I would be dead right now.”

  “It was that bad?”

  “You haven’t heard the story?” He shook his head. “I was in pretty bad shape. They pumped me full of water and vitamins until I was stable enough to be moved. That’s when I went to Pine Rehabilitation Facility and got the help I needed.”

  Silence. Forest didn’t say anything, just stared at me and then down at his hands. I guessed he was now thinking of a polite way to break up with me. At least we’d had one great night together. I guessed that was worth it. It wouldn’t stop it hurting though.

  “You think I’m crazy,” I finally said to fill the void. If he was going to break up with me, it was best if he got it over and done with.

  “No, I think you’re incredibly brave and strong.” What? Was he making fun of me now? Did I miss the sarcasm in his voice?

  “Yeah, right.”

  His eyes flicked up to meet mine. “I do. It takes a lot of courage to get through what you did. Looking at you now, knowing you now, I ca
n’t even begin to imagine you had an illness like that.”

  I sprung from my chair and landed in his lap, wrapping my arms around his neck. I squeezed him so tight I thought he might recoil. But he didn’t. Forest took me in a hug, pulling me just as close. I hadn’t felt that safe and protected for a very long time.

  “What’s going on?” Demi demanded. My head snapped around to see her standing at the door, her hand still on the knob.

  I extracted myself from Forest and stood. “What’s wrong?”

  “It’s five minutes until show,” Demi continued. “You said this wasn’t going to happen at work.” She pointed a finger between Forest and I.

  Forest stood, like we had just been caught by my mother. “I was just leaving.”

  “Forest, it’s okay,” I called after him, but he was gone. I turned my attention back to Demi. “He was comforting me. It’s been a rough day, remember? I needed a friend and a hug and he was there.”

  She gave me the evil eye again. “He’s an after school activity only. No messing around on my watch. Okay?”

  “Okay, okay. Let’s get to show circle.” I pushed past her into the corridor and started the long walk to the stage. I think Demi was even more protective than my mother. She was more like a school principal, always there and watching.

  We did the circle and waited for the cue. The band went out in the darkness of the stage and I went underneath to get into position. My grand entrance was from a trapdoor in the floor. I was levered up when the audience was going nuts with anticipation.

  Every time I went on stage, it never got old. The thrill I got when the lights went up never dimmed. The electricity coursing around the venue was like nothing else in life. I was instantly in the zone, strutting my stuff and singing my lungs out.

  The first set went well, as did the second. By the time we got to the third, I could take a moment to see the audience. It was when I got to sing my slow songs and be a little more intimate with the audience. It was just me, Forest, and thousands of screaming fans.

  I did the first song acoustically, sitting on a stool on the small platform in the middle of the audience. The house lights were up so I could see individual faces in the sea of people.

  What struck me right then was how many of the audience members were young girls. They reminded me of Natalie. She wanted to come but was too sick to be able to leave the hospital. How many of those girls were just like Natalie? How many of them hated themselves so much they denied themselves things like food?

  They all looked at me like I was a hero but I had severely let them down. I was not a good role model and no amount of kind words from those around me could change that.

  But there was something I could do about it now. Instead of starting the next song, I picked up the microphone from the stand.

  “Is everyone having a good time tonight?” I asked. The roar of screams answered my question. “That’s great. I wanted to say a special thanks to a few VIP’s in the audience tonight. Please give a round of applause to the staff from Northport General Hospital who helped me through a really bad time in my life.”

  The crowd all cheered and clapped, they probably didn’t know why exactly but it didn’t make any difference. I was their puppet master, I got the feeling I could probably get them to do anything at that point in the concert. I didn’t let the power go to my head.

  “Last year I struggled with an eating disorder,” I continued on, feeling braver than I ever had before. “I didn’t like what was happening in my life so I didn’t like myself. It was a really dark time and it’s something I still struggle with. Eating disorders don’t just get cured with a magic pill. They take time and support.”

  I stole a glance at Ryan, standing with the sound techs. He seemed a little afraid of what I was going to do next. No doubt I would get a lecture later for going off the schedule.

  “But you also learn a lot about yourself while you’re going through it. If there is one thing I learnt, it’s that you have to talk to people when everything gets too much for you.”

  The faces immediately around the stage were upturned to look at me. Their eyes were big as they took in what I was saying. I would hate the thought of any of them going through the same thing. I didn’t want to be responsible for that kind of pain.

  “If you ever feel like your thoughts are too dark – about anything, your life, your body, your friends – you have to tell someone. That person doesn’t have to be your parents, it can be a friend, a teacher, a neighbor, a counselor. It can be anyone just as long as you tell someone. Don’t ever keep your darkness inside.”

  I paused, feeling the lump in my throat again. I choked it back. I needed to get the words out and I couldn’t do that if I was a blubbering mess. I stole a glance at Forest, he smiled back, his gaze encouraging.

  “I don’t want anyone to go through what I did. So learn from my mistake because eating disorders aren’t cool. They can kill you and your life is worth so much more than that. All of you are beautiful and unique, never forget that.”

  In amongst the one thousand people staring at me, you could have heard a pin drop. It was deathly silent. Did I go too far? Was I too preachy? Did I just ruin everyone’s night by getting serious? It was painful to stand there alone in front of them with my heart wide open, just waiting to be crushed.

  One of the girls pressed up against the safety barrier in front of me started clapping. Her face beamed as I returned her smile. We locked eyes for just a second. Before I knew it, everyone was clapping. A roar passed through the audience, filtering straight through to my heart.

  “Thank you,” I finally replied when they had died down. “Now let’s get on with the show.”

  I resumed my seat on the stool and waited for Forest to start strumming. We continued on with the set as if nothing had happened. I could only hope that something did occur, I wanted all those young girls to have heard my words. If I could save one of them, then my mistake was worth it.

  After the show, I slipped backstage to take a few moments before I had to face everyone. Ryan would be out for my blood for not following the schedule. I guess the good news was that he couldn’t ban me from my own shows. A good dressing down was as much as he could punish me.

  I leant against the cold brick wall and took a few deep breaths. The electricity and adrenalin from the performance was still coursing through my veins but it was different from how it normally was. It was more of a subdued excitement. There was also a little bit of dread there too.

  My band passed by, giving me high fives as they went.

  “Great show, Brierly,” Ace said as he hit my palm.

  “Right back at you guys. Couldn’t have done it without you.”

  Forest lingered a little longer, his hand resting on my waist with a familiar intimacy. “I thought you were awesome.”

  “You too.” I tapped him on the arm.

  “Do you want some company tonight?”

  I shook my head. After laying down my bared soul to a thousand people, I felt like some alone time. “No, I’m good. Another time?”

  He leant down and planted a kiss on my cheek. “Raincheck given. Oh, and Ryan’s looking for you. You might want to hide.”

  “Thanks for the warning.”

  He patted my waist before leaving me. I watched him go. Forest never just walked, he swaggered. It was the sexiest thing I had ever seen on a guy.

  “Here you are.” Ryan startled me while I was too busy looking at Forest. My cheeks burned at being caught ogling. Hopefully Ryan didn’t notice.

  “You were looking for me?” I asked innocently. Surely he wouldn’t go off his head if I was sweet and nice? That was my entire strategy, anyway. It was all I had.

  “Yeah, we need to talk.” He dragged me into the green room, largely deserted now the show was over. Shuttle buses back to the hotel should have already started at the back of the venue. I was normally supposed to be on the first one out of there.

  I decided to go on the defensiv
e. “Look, Ryan, before you start, I know I went off schedule and I’m sorry. I didn’t know I was going to do it, otherwise I would have given you a heads up. It just seemed appropriate and a good time and I felt like I needed to do it.”

  “Our light and sound guys had no idea what was going on,” he started. “Not to mention Forest. We were all hanging there with nothing to do. I need to know these things in advance, otherwise they shouldn’t happen.”

  “Sometimes the time is right and stuff just happens. I don’t mean to make your jobs difficult.”

  A smile spread across Ryan’s face. It confused me for a moment. “I also think what you did was brave and it’s good to keep everyone on their toes. Just don’t do it again.”

  He gave me a playful punch on the arm. I wasn’t sure if he was happy or angry anymore. “I won’t?”

  “That’s my girl.” He gave me another tap on the arm before hurrying away just as quickly as he had found me. At least that was out of the way. I had avoided a complete meltdown from Ryan, that only left Demi – who wasn’t anywhere to be seen.

  I found my own way back to the dressing room and grabbed my stuff. The corridors to get out to the shuttle buses were another story but I eventually followed some dancers. They seemed to know where they were going and that was promising.

  We emerged into the night after a long and windy road. A few fans were still standing by the gates, hoping for a glimpse of me. I rewarded their loyalty by signing their programs through the gates. The iron bars didn’t allow for any photographs but hopefully they left happy.

  Back at the hotel, my room seemed too quiet compared to where I was only an hour before. The sound of a thousand screaming girls stayed with me for a long time after I did a concert. I would more than likely go deaf prematurely one day, I was sure of it.

  After my shower, I caught myself looking in the mirror at myself. It wasn’t like I was checking myself out, I was trying to see what others saw. When I was sick, I used to stand in front of the mirror all the time and obsess over every little lump or bump. The more my bones stuck out of my skin, the better I felt. I was in control of my life when I saw those protruding bones.