Freedom

by Beth Maria

  “Are you sure that you’re not avoiding us, Chloe? You know you can tell us if something is wrong. I mean, you didn’t come home for Thanksgiving, and when you did for Christmas, you didn’t stay for long. You were very distant, not my usual bubbly Chloe.” She starts choking up, which causes me to stop walking. I try to swallow the big lump lodged in my throat, but it’s hard. I’m lying to my parents. I know they want to be there for me, but they can’t. Not this time.

  “I’m okay, Ma. Honestly, I’m just really busy, and college is stressing me out. You have nothing to worry about.”

  “Chloe, if it’s stressing you out, and you feel like you need a break, you know that you can come home for a while, right? I know your father would love to see you. We miss you,” she whispers the last part. Tears sting my eyes because I know that I can’t go home, not until I sort myself out. I just don’t know when that will be.

  “I can’t leave right now, Mom. I’ve got assignments I have to get done. I’ll come home for spring break, okay?”

  I hear her sigh. “That will have to do. I love you, Chloe. I’ll speak to you soon, so make sure you answer next time.”

  She hardly ever tells me that she loves me, as she’s never been one for showing a lot of affection. With my lips trembling, I say, “I love you too, Mom. Speak to you soon.” Then I hang up the call, putting my phone back in my bag.

  I feel like the world’s worst daughter for not going to see my parents. It’s not that I don’t miss them, because I do. God, I miss them so much that it hurts. I just can’t go home right now, and I hope one day they will be able to understand.

  After that conversation with my mom, I really need to hurry up to meet Emerson. She’ll have something that will make me feel better. She’s not who I would usually call a friend, except she has what I need and understands my need for cocaine, seeing as she has an addiction too, though for different reasons. The great thing is that we are all trying to bury the past with drugs, and for now, that will do for me.

  “Hey, you made it,” Emerson says, opening the door.

  “Yeah, it’s been a long day.” I sigh, stepping past her into her house that she shares with her four friends. This house is really run down, but what do you expect when they probably spend all their money on drugs instead of food and keeping the place maintained? I’m not going to complain though. I feel welcome here. It’s a peaceful reprieve from the life I have at the moment.

  “Tell me about it. You got the money?”

  “Yeah, I got $30. That enough?” I ask, digging in my purse to get it out.

  “That’s enough.” I hand her the money, which she puts in her pocket without checking.

  This addiction is costing me a fortune. It’s a good thing I have savings from jobs I did when I was younger, though that’s fast running out. I’m going to have to look into getting a part-time job soon in order to be able to pay for food, and other stuff…

  “Go on in. Everyone’s in there. I’ll just go get your supplies.” She takes off up the stairs, while I go into the living room, spotting everyone slouching on the couch and completely out of it.

  “Hey guys,” I greet, sitting down on the armchair that’s left over. Everyone ignores me, apart from Marcus. It’s always the same; nobody speaks to me apart from him. I don’t mind though. He seems like a nice enough guy, unlike the others. They like to keep to themselves, especially seeing as I’m new to the group.

  “Hey, Marcus, how you been?” I ask as cheerily as I can.

  He gives me a smile and a wink. “I’m still living.”

  I laugh awkwardly. All of us know that we could possibly die from this, though none of us broach the subject, except Marcus it would seem.

  Marcus would be quite good looking if he weren’t so skinny and withdrawn from all the drugs he does. He has copper colored hair and bright green eyes that aren’t quite as bright as Evans. I think he has a bit of a soft spot for me with the way he always wants to be near me when I’m here. I just hope he doesn’t try his moves on me. I don’t want to have to turn him down and make things awkward between us.

  “Here you go,” Emerson says, passing me the little bag with my lifesaver in it.

  I clutch it to my chest, as if it’s going to disappear into thin air. “Do you mind if I stay here for a while?” I ask Emerson. She probably won’t mind, but I just want to make sure first.

  “Na, it’s cool. We’re not doing anything as you can see.” She sweeps her hand around at everyone lying around, some awake and some fast asleep in a drug fueled slumber. I envy them as they are probably at peace right now, while I’m awake, my soul constantly reminding me of what a horrible person I am.

  “We can catch up then, Chloe. I haven’t seen you for a few days,” Marcus pipes in, giving me a cheeky smile. I’m sure it would have been cute before he started drugs, but now it’s a bit lopsided.

  I smile back at him. “That would be good.”

  For the next few hours, I just kick back with the others, snort my cocaine, relaxing and feeling at peace.

  Jake

  It’s been a month since Chloe tried to sneak out of my bedroom without talking to me about what had happened between us. She still won’t talk to me about it either. Every time I see her, she walks the other way or just point blank tells me that she doesn’t want to talk to me. What is a guy supposed to do?

  All I want to do is try and let her know that I didn’t use her, and most importantly, that I love her. I’m not expecting her to forgive me, though that would be nice. I just want to try to be friends to start off with, then when she starts gaining my trust, maybe something can happen between us. I know that isn’t going to happen though. She despises me. However, I’m not going to give up. She’s it for me. I just need to find a way to make her believe it.

  Evan is still coming up with a plan to help me win her back. After everything that happened, we are finally back to normal. There aren’t any hard feelings anymore, thank God. He understands where I’m coming from, and he’s the only one, telling me if it were him he probably would have done the same thing. I just wish he would hurry up with his plan because I feel her slipping further and further away from me as the days go on.

  Maisie still hasn’t spoken to me since the day I told her about Chloe’s abortion. This is the longest we haven’t spoken, and I actually miss my annoying little sister more than I could have ever imagined. I’m thankful that she hasn’t told our parents yet. I would hate to find out what they would do to me if they ever found out. Most importantly, I just want her to talk to me again and stop acting like I’m the most disgusting man on the planet.

  Jesse told me to give her time, that she will come around eventually. I just hope he’s right. He told me that Maisie told him what had happened between me and Chloe. Even though he asked how I could have done that, when I explained the circumstances to him, he was actually very understanding. It might have something to do with the fact that he’s a guy and knows how our minds work. I was just thankful that he didn’t judge me. He really is a top friend, and he even said that he would help me with Evan’s plan on getting Chloe back, though I’m not to say a word to Maisie about it. So we made a deal; he will help me as long as I kept my mouth shut. I just wish I had as much enthusiasm as these guys do that I can get Chloe to be mine again.

  “Jake, I’ve thought of something,” Evan says, barging into my room without knocking. For all he knows, I could have been jacking off. That would have been a sight for sore eyes, though it would have served him right. Now I kind of wish I had been jacking off, just to see what he would have done.

  “Don’t you know how to knock, asshole?” I stare him down.

  “Do you want to know what I have to say or not? It’s about getting Chloe back,” he tells me, his eyebrows raised and mocking me.

  “Hell yeah, I want to know.” I sit up on my bed, eager to hear his plan.

  Evan walks over and sits on my desk chair, elbows on his knees and a smile on his face. He doesn’t t
ell me what his plan is though.

  “Are you going to tell me or not?” I ask, getting irritated.

  “Hold your horses. Okay, so I think you should make her a mixtape.”

  I just stare at him, my mouth open. Did he really just say that? A fucking mixtape? That’s the best that he can come up with. “You have got to be shitting me, Evan. Could you seriously not think of anything better?”

  He furrows his brows and stands up. “Fine, you think of something then, if you don’t like it. But I guarantee you that it will help. If you choose a few songs that remind you of her, or have meaning for you two, put them on a CD and send it. Girls like that mushy stuff, and I’m sure Chloe is no different.” He turns to leave my room.

  “Wait.”

  He turns around, looking at me expectantly.

  “Do you honestly think it will work? I don’t want to look like a dick.” I run my hand through my hair, thinking about all the things Chloe could think if I did this.

  Understanding dawns in his eyes. “It’s worth a shot. If it doesn’t work, then we’ll keep trying, okay? What’s the worst that can happen? She may laugh at you and chuck it back in your face.” I shudder at the idea of that happening. “Or she could forgive you, and you can both start over again. She’s worth the risk of humiliation, Jake. We both know that.”

  He’s right. She is worth all the humiliation that may happen if word got out. She’s my world, and she needs to start realizing how sorry I am. She won’t allow me to explain, so maybe she will allow me to explain through music. It’s actually a pretty good idea, now that I’m thinking about it.

  “Thanks, bro. I’ll give it a shot.”

  “That’s alright. Oh, and by the way, stop spending your days hiding out in your room. Come and hang out with the boys. We’re worried about you.”

  I give him a weak smile. I know they all are. I’ve barely left my room except to go to class. I just want to be left alone most of the time. I need to stop though. Otherwise, they’re going to give up asking me to do things with them.

  “I know. You fancy doing something tonight? Get the guys round and have a few beers and watch some movies?”

  “Yeah, that sounds good. I’ll call the guys, let them know, and tell them to bring some pizza round.” We laugh. We always make them get the pizza. That way we don’t have to pay for it.

  “Sounds like a plan. I’ll be down soon. I’m just going to get started on this mixtape. The sooner I do it, the better.”

  Evan just nods his head, shutting the door behind him. Shit, now I’ve got to find a blank CD and the perfect songs. I have two songs that I’m putting on there; I just need to think of a few more.

  I pray to God that this doesn’t backfire on me. But, like Evan said, it’s worth a shot, and for Chloe, I’m willing to try anything to get her love back.

  Chapter 8

  Chloe

  “Chloe. Chloe, wake up. It’s important!” Maisie shouts frantically, shaking me from a deep sleep. I open my eyes, not quite sure what is going on since I’m still half asleep. Maisie’s leaning over me with tears streaming down her face. I instantly sit upright, worried about what has made my best friend cry. Jesse better not have hurt her, or I’m going to kill him.

  “What’s he done?” I ask, anger radiating from my body.

  Maisie looks confused for a minute before shaking her head. “Oh, Jesse’s not done anything wrong. It’s your father, Chloe…” She trails off, the tears streaming faster down her face.

  My body freezes when she says that. “What about him?” I whisper because my throat has gone completely dry.

  “Your fa-fa-father has had a-an accident.” My blood runs cold. I can’t move. All I can think is what’s happened to my daddy. Please let him be okay.

  “Your mom has been trying to get hold of you, but you didn’t answer, so she rang me. I got here as fast as I could. We’ve got to go though, Chloe. Your dad’s in the hospital, in critical condition. They don’t know if he’s going to make it.”

  I still can’t move. I can’t lose my dad. I haven’t seen him for months. What if I never get to say goodbye? Oh God, this is my punishment for getting rid of my baby. I’m going to lose my dad for the evil deed I did.

  “Come on, Chloe. I know it’s hard, but we really need to leave. I’m going to drive you home now,” Maisie says, trying to stop crying for my sake. Why can’t I cry? I should be crying; my daddy is in the hospital, for crying out loud!

  I don’t remember getting up, getting changed, or how I got into the car, but I did. Now we’re on our way home. The whole way, I pray and pray that my daddy lives.

  ****

  The journey to the hospital was a blur. I felt like we were driving for days. Maisie would occasionally talk to me, though I wouldn’t reply. My throat was too dry to talk, and my mind wouldn’t register what she was saying. In the end, she gave up talking to me and concentrated on getting us to the hospital safely. The only thing I remember her saying was that my father was involved in a car accident. I don’t remember how or why. I tuned out after that.

  “We’re here,” Maisie says quietly, turning to face me.

  I just stare out the windshield, watching people walk in and out of the hospital. I hate hospitals.

  “Chloe, I know you’re scared, but we really need to go inside. You need to see your dad, in case…” She doesn’t need to say it. I already know; in case he doesn’t make it. Except I can’t move. I don’t want to see him lying in a hospital bed, battered and bruised, clinging onto the little bit of life that he has left. That’s not my strong daddy who would do anything for me, pick me up and make me laugh. Do I really want my last memory to be him lying in that hospital bed? But will I ever forgive myself if he doesn’t pull through and I never went and saw him, said goodbye, and told him that I loved him? I don’t think I could ever forgive myself.

  I know what I have to do. I have to be brave for my daddy’s sake.

  “Let’s do this then,” I whisper. It’s all I can manage right now.

  We get out of the car and head into the hospital. When we get to the desk, Maisie asks for my dad, telling the receptionist that I’m his daughter. The receptionist tells us that he’s in ICU room three, and then gives us directions.

  “Chloe,” my mom cries as soon as she sees me, pulling me into a bone-crushing hug. I hug her back like a robot, as if on auto-pilot.

  She pulls back, smoothing my hair out of my eyes. My usually well kept mom looks a mess. Her hair is all over the place, and her face is bare of make-up, probably from where she cried it all off. I’m sure I don’t look any better though; I haven’t done my make-up and only brushed through my hair.

  “I need to warn you before you go in - your father doesn’t look like your father right now, sweetheart. He’s in a bad condition. He’s not woken up yet, but there’s still hope,” her lips tremble when she says this. I know she doesn’t believe what she’s saying. She’s just trying to make me feel better.

  I just nod my head. I think I’m still in shock. “Your father was in a car accident. An oncoming car swerved and smashed straight into your father’s. We don’t know why the driver swerved yet.”

  “I’m sure we will find out very soon,” Maisie says to my mom. My mom looks at Maisie and gives her a weak smile.

  “I hope so, sweetie.” She turns back to face me. “Do you want to see your father now?”

  “Yes,” I whisper.

  “Do you want me to come in with you, or would you like some time alone?”

  I know that I need to do this alone. There are a few things I need to say to my daddy. “I’d like some time alone please, Mom.” I watch her face drop, and it guts me, though it’s something that I need to do.

  She nods toward the room that he’s in. I take a deep breath, and then slowly step into the room, the door swinging shut behind me. My eyes automatically land on my father lying on the bed. Nothing could have prepared me for the state that he’s in, nothing. He unrecognizable. There�
��s a bandage wrapped around his head, he has two black eyes, and his face is swollen. One of his arms is in a cast, as is one of his legs. That’s when the tears finally start. A sob escapes me before I’m full blown crying.

  I slowly make my way over to him and sit down in the chair next to the bed, resting my head on his chest. I let out all of the pain I’ve been feeling for the last few months, on top of the pain I feel at seeing my daddy like this. He didn’t deserve this. Why him? Why my daddy? I need him so much; I just didn’t realize it until now, and I may never get the chance to tell him. I may never get to see him smile at me, or have him give me a hug when I go home. I may not get to have father and daughter days with him again, all because a car swerved and hit his car. It’s just not fair.

  I know deep down it’s karma paying me back for what I did. I took a life, so God is punishing me, taking away someone special from me. God, I’m so sorry. Please don’t take my daddy away. I beg you! I pray this over and over again for I don’t know how long, just crying.

  “Don’t cry, popsicle,” a husky voice says through my crying.

  I look up, not believing that my daddy could be awake. My eyes meet his partially opened ones, and I feel the relief rush through my body. Oh my God, he’s going to be okay.

  “I love you, Daddy,” I cry, hugging him, being careful of his battered body.

  His breathing is labored. I can hear that he’s struggling to breathe.

  “Chloe, I just want you to know that I love you very much. I’m proud of the woman you’ve become…”

  “Daddy, stop. You’re sounding like you’re not going to make it,” I cry.

  “Baby, please just let me finish. The day you were born was the best day of my life. God, you were so tiny and precious. I knew that I would do whatever it took to look after you, to make sure you had everything you needed. You were such a happy child. Before you left for college, you changed. You weren’t the happy girl that I knew. I just want you to know that, whatever has happened, it will all be okay in the end. Your mother will look after you and help you through whatever is going on. Let her be there for you.” He’s struggling to get out his words. It’s breaking my heart. This feels like he’s saying goodbye…