Love me, Loudly

by Jess Kolbe

  From that day on the beach with Sam, he has continued to be that guy, that man, showing up in all of him and in a willingness to be okay with all of ‘this’, with me. Every person out there in the world no matter their sex, whatever their sexual orientation, whatever, we all want to feel loved, safe, protected, trusted. Finding meaning within ourselves and with connected others, the rest is just life. These are at times slightly different, but when it comes to connection and love, there is no difference in soul love. We are truly the same. We all have hearts that open and close based on life experiences, challenging fears, seeking out the same connections, same loves, same moments, arriving at same destination, sometimes at different times with all sorts of baggage. I guess I am also changing, I feel like I am softening, like I am not so hardened. I had to become hard and cold to a degree, to protect myself and now, I am seeing little moments of softness and I wonder, could that have always been me? Or is it because of the way he looks at me, that means I don’t have to fight so hard anymore? The key is the battle of un-pretzeling yourself and allowing authentic love to grow within.

  HIM | Thirty-two

  Tonight, Evie is meeting my boys, the men who mean the world to me. I know they will like her. We have an epic banter and bounce off each other so well. It’s just easy. Evie has been a little odd of late. I know she is feeling things in the dark, and I don’t know what to do. I try to just let her know I am there without pushing her. I have no idea what else to do except wait for her to ask me for help or to say something.

  I don’t want to wait, I want to help, and I’m completely useless. So, I wait, reaching out in the dark to let her know I am always here waiting. I can’t force her. I know she is fighting something, so just as she didn’t force me, I need to be patient.

  Arriving at her front door, I take a deep breath in of her scent at the door before walking in. She feels so good, beaming one of those smiles at the me. The way she checks me out in my shirt, I know she likes it and am slightly excited by her reaction to me.

  I can sense the under tones of her struggling. Her face is serious as she sits me down. The weight of the moment and fear make my heart pound into my rib cage. I’m not completely sure what’s happening.

  Evie tells me she’s falling in love with me, which makes all of my panic dissolve into relief, but I know there’s more to this. I know it is about the other thing, not feeling ready, not sure what to do. My panic rises again, as Evie attempts to tell me her story. I try to do what she did for me, waiting, letting her have time. She loses it, trembling, with pain pouring out of her. I’m helpless, again someone I love is hurting. Fuck, I hate this feeling, it reminds me of Dad. I need her to be okay, I desperately want her to be okay. Evie curls herself on to me and I do my best to hold her tightly with the most love I can muster. My mind is blank on how to help, what I should say. I feel frozen in this hug, hoping that it’s enough, that I’m enough for her. I shake myself. Focus on Evie. Encouraging myself to connect with her. I think we should cancel tonight, trying to protect her. Internally I’m screaming - what the fuck happened to her?

  Randomly I try to breathe with her, gently rocking and it feels like the right thing to do. I hope it is, as Evie’s breath slows, coming to a steady rhythm. Dread rolls into my stomach, sinking with the possibilities running through my head of what may have happened to her. Reminiscent of being helpless again settling into the churning of my stomach. It doesn’t fucking matter what happened to her at all. Nothing she tells me will change anything. I want to tell her that! It is important, but it doesn’t matter. Fuck I don’t know, if that is the right thing to say? I wouldn’t want her to think I don’t care, fuck. I convince myself to follow her lead. She sat back for me, so I need to for her, and my opinion here truly doesn’t matter. I just need to be there. Literally, that. It is helpful and made a massive difference for me.

  Evie refuses to cancel tonight. She’s all over the shop though, eyes panicked and darting around. The pressure of expressing herself and meeting everyone might be too much. I want her to trust me, so I stay with her, to show her that I am here, but also, I’m not really sure where to go. I want her to know that I can be that for her. I tell her I know how she struggles in the dark and that I’m here when she needs me to be, in whatever way she needs. She begins getting ready and again I follow her, not wanting to leave her alone, worried that it’s becoming too much. I try to encourage her to ride our wave and the waves of what she is feeling.

  She tells me she needs me close, as she initiates sex. I’m unsure as she so fragile, but oddly it actually feels like I’m helping. I release all control to her and with her first thrust, I feel connected again. I can see the change and feel of her body, less rigid, softening into me, flow, the feel of how she holds herself on me. Suddenly, she pulls me out of her and tells me that’s enough for now.

  “What the...?”

  I’m confused and my cock is pained. While I hold myself, I look at her, noticing there is a sparkle back in those eyes, my sassy woman has returned. It’s like I have my Evie back and now she’s playful. I’m not sure I completely understand. I think she needed a way to stop her feelings from running amuck. I think that is what she is saying. I’m not sure I understand, but I trust her and know that this is not over, so right now I take one for the team, attempting to pull myself together. I feel like a volcano that’s going to erupt anytime now. The energy between us is sensational and all kinds of fucked up. I think, well, fuck, I don’t know. I’m watching her and her body like never before. I feel fucking focused, and sensitive to the world, alert, I guess. We leave for dinner and I’m acutely aware of Evie all night. I am engaged and focused, I feel good, like I have more strength.

  After dinner Levi starts giving me shit about Evie. “Could you be any more into her?” He encourages me to play it cool and finishing his intervention with ‘my son’, imparting his attempt at wisdom. Some kind of Yoda, commentary. Little is he aware that during our current exchange, I have to take a breath as the words ‘my son’ linger in the air. I know that Levi is completely unaware of how this feels like a punch in the guts. He clears his throat and all of sudden everyone at the table is quiet.

  Evie thankfully is in the bathroom.

  Levi announces “Seriously, be careful not to look the fool!”

  “Levi, I’m happily the fool, have you met her? She’s amazing and I will do anything to love her. She’s thoughtful, kind and fiercely independent, all of what I find sexy in a woman. I found her. I am going to chase her and I intend to make this work, I intend on loving her how she should be loved, and I don’t give two shits what it looks like!”

  Levi is clearly taken aback by my declaration, as am I. We have the entire table’s attention. Levi adds “I have a lot to learn, Yoda.” and we all laugh. I take a swig on my beer and say, “no time like the present” and head off in search of Evie.

  I manage to steal a few moments with her that only increase the erotic energy between us. She feels into our moments. Wanting to feel her moan vibrate within my body is like an ache within me. I like the trust between us. My desire feels frightening and fucking epic all at once, pushing the boundaries of what I know, pushing the limits of me and us. Our private moments are displayed a little too publicly and I need to get out of here. We leave and my house is closer so I flag down a cab to take us there.

  I feel out of control and yet completely in control. It’s strange, like I’m watching myself. We push the boundaries of our bodies and the fire between us, entering her time and time again. Our bodies lose control in our sex, this raw and primal connection, tears at me for release. Evie’s groans, guiding my cock deeper into her. Breathless and worried that I’ve pushed us too far, I reach for her. Cradling her in my arms as firmly as I think is good for her, I tenderly hold her shaking thighs. I half carry her to the shower before kissing all of her parts, showing her how grateful I am for the experience. I want to nurture her body after our emotional roller-coaster tonight, and I know showers and
water are her thing. I’m freaked out we went too far. She’s quiet, yet I’m reassured by her touch, her gentle kisses and soft eyes, both looking a little bewildered. I lay her down on my bed, kissing her forehead, and she grabs my hand. Opening her legs to me, saying “I want to feel you inside me, slowly.”

  I want to hold this space for her, I want her to let go, to feel completely safe with me. I feel into her slowly, with delicate movements at first, rocking along the curve of her hips. Finding a motion in tenderness, engaged with those blue eyes, as they sparkle up at me, encouraging me. I feel energized and in control of my own orgasm, feeling more able to be there for her in this connection. I feel myself growing harder and harder within her. I feel her trying to resist the urge to move faster, moving more deeply and slowly, staying with our momentum. Evie trembling beneath me, her moan different, uncontrolled, craving her release, sharing her vulnerabilities with me, wanting her to trust me to hold her here. I’m watching her every move. She’s begging me now, using her hips to attempt to quicken my pace. I pull her back, slowing her body. I’m willing her to let go, to go beyond her limits and to trust me. When she does, we float between these spaces of pleasure and release she eventually surrendering wholly to our experience. Flooded by emotion, her pained sobs, loud and uncontrolled, frightening me. I hold her gently yet firmly, partly for her and partly for my own emotional release. Even though there are a lot of tears, from us both, it feels right, it feels good. I lean into holding us.

  HER | Thirty-three

  Sam, the hurricane, comes over. I know he feels something in the air, as the pressure has been building for days. I feel it too, a hesitation. I know it’s coming from me, as I decided two days ago to tell him what happened to me. Tonight, he is introducing me to his friends. I’m really looking forward to it- meeting the people who love him. He has that white shirt on again, the one with the long sleeves. He knows I love that shirt, cheeky shit. I can make out all of his torso and he is aware I’m watching. Beautiful, it’s enough, he’s enough. He won’t run away from the crazy person to the hills. I can tell him how damaged I am.

  Can I?

  Oh my, Evie, breathe, deep breath, reassuring myself. My negative thoughts are racing in circles. Allowing space, I grab his hand, I need us to sit, walking him over to the couch. He searches my face, recognising I want to talk. Okay, ready, crazy is going to show up briefly, then Evie will be back to normal.

  “Sam, I am really enjoying us, and completely falling in love with you more and more each day,” He kisses both of my hands and looks back into my eyes. My God, he has restraint, he’s clearly been waiting for me to say something. He knows without a word. Fuck, I’m losing it. My monsters scream ‘he knows how fucked up you are!’

  I swallow hard, dragging all of my willpower out of me as we both seem to take a deep breath at the same time. I’m struggling to contain myself. I feel overwhelmed and fear is shaking my body. It is reassuring that I am less willing to hide my bodily responses from Sam. As my feelings are growing stronger, I’m becoming more scared that my history is too much, and I’ll lose him. The crazy tears begin to flow. “I want to tell you my story, I just can’t find the words.”

  He holds me, curling me underneath his strength to find my spot on him and smiling at the safety of having a spot. I feel completely encompassed by him and surrender to receive his comfort. My freak out is pathetic, I can’t even get past my fears of love. Fuck, Evie I can’t find the words, how do you even start a conversation like that? I’m triggered. I immerse myself in Sam’s presence and just allow myself to soak him in, words have failed me. Reverberating around my head is ‘some horrors don’t have words, Evie.’ Part of me hates that I must contaminate us, and fears that he will look at me differently.

  After a few moments, I sit up, look at him and feel his love pouring out all over me, in one look. He asks, “shall I order in and cancel the boys tonight?”

  “No, Sam, No. Give me a minute to clean up and we can go, I’ve been looking forward to this, shittest timing ever!”

  Sam joins me in the bathroom. He’s so comfortable in here with me, I find it funny that he can watch me do the most mundane of things and be aroused by me. He stands behind me, holding my hips. “I’m fighting fears too, but we need to be honest with each other, we are okay. We don’t need to struggle separately in the dark.” Sam finishes by acknowledging my nightly struggles and his awareness of it.

  Fear shudders my heart into a pause as the man has reached inside my body and held my heart in the dark, knowing I’m there. He has been there in my darkness, the whole time, calling to me. The knowledge of this brings such joy and comfort to my heart. I feel pained that he must feel shut out.

  “Sam, I’m trying to overcome and tame my monsters and attempt to be normal.”

  He interrupts. “We are not normal Evie! Let’s just ride the wave, together.” Adding a pause before ‘together.’ I feel my fears rising, he knows so much about me, he probably can guess what’s happened to me. He probably also knows how fucked up I am. Crazy is coming out and I’m unsure I can stop it. Brain screaming ‘I’m too broken. Beginning my internal coaching… Go with the sensations of what is happening in your inside, trust your body, bring him close’ Wisdom coming from a small voice within me, as I’m completely triggered. My safe place of control is blown, and I feel the fear rising in me. I’m frozen by the darkness creeping up my legs, attempting to drag me into the black abyss. I look at him and hold my hands on his face, on his chest, the touch of him, is shifting me, moving my impending panic. “Sam, I need to feel you inside me.”

  Sam looks at me, happily bewildered.

  I tell him, “you make me feel safe and connected. Right now, I feel exposed and am struggling to contain my overwhelm. Your touch is so grounding for me, our raw touch tames me so. I need to feel you in the depths of me, close, inside me, please.” I genuinely need to feel secure in my insecurities of being too damaged.

  Sam’s eyes are sparkling. Hastily, I push him backwards into the chair in the corner of the room. He’s still hesitant, unsure of what I mean, perhaps we both are beginning to see that sex is something I use to feel safe in being in control. I wrap myself around him, taking just the tip of him until his manhood is ready for all of me, thrusting deep within my vulnerable self. We both moan instantly at our emotional energy. It is like I can feel myself pushing the pain out of my body, fighting back while Sam holds me. His eyes lock on to mine he holds on to my shoulders, guiding my movement, drawing me into him and I see he feels this is different. I exhale loudly, he sees my body relax, naturally wraps me in his embrace. This feels like home, like I’ve put the cage back around my heart and locked down the horror story. I don’t know if my emotional pain has an expression. I collapse further into his arms, warped in the shell of my man. I feel, accepted, with him inside me while embracing my fragile self. He holds me tightly, arching himself within me. We instantly feel the change in my body, as I retreat from him. The confusion on his face is almost comical. I feel a pang of guilt, and dread, that I’m using control in this way to achieve safety. I don’t want to do that with Sam. I fix my clothes and return to getting ready, frozen in my thoughts and fear of what I am doing, disconnected from my emotional turmoil. It also gives rise for me to focus on Sam and not me.

  I explain I’m not trying to torture him, we are late and maybe we could be beyond our orgasms, until later? I bullshit reasons why, as I think it was control that actually helped me here and I feel ashamed of doing this to Sam and don’t want to admit that control had a hand in this. I instead tell him that I needed to feel him in my soul and our connection is beyond pleasure, the need to feel control back in my body. That with him holding me, I can fight anything. Which is true. I look down, filled with embarrassment and admit it. “Sam, I think I also need to feel in control of the situation?”

  He smiles, telling me to stop thinking so much and just roll with it. Immediately I feel accepted and relieved. ‘Just roll with it, Evie,’
pumps through my thoughts.

  I do want him to know about me. I am worried what he thinks of me or what has happened to me. I am desperate for him to not see how broken I am, and I don’t want him to look at me differently. I guess, I want to prove I’m not broken. I’m disappointed in myself that I’m dressing this up as a distraction rather than using the safety I feel when he is inside me. “I just needed to feel you protect me. Sam, we are just beginning! It’s just a pause until later tonight.” Stupidly I respond to Sam as if it were about sex, even though we both know it is not. I begin telling myself that I want us to go to this place together. A new level of us, and it scares me. I’m listening to my body’s needs and wants. I feel like I’m disrespecting Sam, so I try to describe what is happening for me. “This feels right, I am not trying to hurt you and we can finish now if you like, although it also feels right to wait, did you feel the energy? Did you feel the release in me?” He looks at me puzzled. “I think so…” comes out of him. He says he does feel good, frustrated, but good.