Love me, Loudly

by Jess Kolbe

  Let’s see what happens, roll with it, Evie.

  “I want us to be solid so that our monsters run from us, that way we love so loudly in body, mind and heart that our fears dissolve.”

  I think he can also see I’m battling bigger things, things he’s not sure of, maybe? Pushing us beyond our limits and our relationship is important to me. I don’t want normal, that’s not us. I want magic, we fucking deserve magic! There are monsters in the wardrobe, and they don’t get to define me or us. The man stands, holding my hand. He trusts me implicitly. I’m not overly sure what I am doing but, it feels good and I feel strong, my monsters tamed for now. I attempt to explain what I am feeling while internally wishing I would shut up.

  “We inhaled each other’s skin and for me you are safe. You ground me.” My voice is clearly shaking.

  He pulls me forward and holds me saying, “okay, okay, I’m just feeling the moment as well.” He smiles, promising “we will finish this later” as he pulls me even closer. Running his hands through my hair, he draws in a giant breath of me, pressing into me so I can feel his manhood, feeling his lips linger against my ear, traversing the nape of my neck. He does the one thing he perceives I find irresistible and I do. Grabs my hand and walks me to out the door to the car, my legs entirely jelly, and he knows it. We arrive at the pub, I am meeting his nearest and dearest, filled with nervous energy as I want them to like me and his taste lingers all over my body.

  Why did I do this tonight?

  I’m dressed smart but casually. It took me ages to figure out what to wear, I want them to like me. A light, black button-up shirt and jeans, comfortable, yet stylish. I’m trying to distract myself from thinking about something other than his touch. My demons are finally quiet now, consumed by his promise. I’m trying to focus, to remember their names, to navigate what my nerves are and the anticipation hanging around from our earlier encounter, all the while, feeling him looking at me like I’m in trouble, his prey. I feel strange, a mix of disconnected emotions, fill me.

  I offer to buy a round for the boys, half because that’s the kind of woman I am and half to compose myself from Sam’s eyes. Standing and heading to the bar, he’s next to me, not touching me, but close enough to feel the intensifying fire between us. He can see I’m having a hot flush, with the excitement pouring out of us both. He stops me, pauses, looking at me, before slowly and carefully saying “My tongue is going to saviour every corner of you, so slowly you’ll beg for my cock to release you.” His eyes are burning, with drive, with passion. My body trembles and waves of shock tingle through me at his promise. I reach for him, as he grabs my hands and moves us to a discreet corner, luckily, it’s a busy pub so we can steal a minute. I move for him again, but he seizes my hand and says “Don’t.”

  I look at him, with words escaping me.

  He holds me away from him, leans over to my ear and whispers, in slight desperation. “Everything feels incredible, every part of my body is on. I can’t have you touch me yet!” I stand back and look at him. He smiles uncomfortably and says, “My senses have come alive, you’re mine and I will share this torment with you. Now get your arse to the bar and buy me a beer!” He finishes with a cheeky slap on my arse, and all I can do is laugh at the beauty of my man, battling his desire while loving the space, at the same time. ‘What have I created?’ crosses my mind, with a wave of emotion firing through my body. I can’t stop the smile from beaming across my face. We have dinner and I can feel his intensity. I think everyone can, and I’m slightly embarrassed. I manage to concentrate on his friends. They are a great bunch of men. Dinner has lots of laughter and a few stolen moments with Sam. As I walk out of the bathroom after dinner, Sam’s suddenly there, swinging me into his arms. I crumble into those shoulders, as he holds me against the wall, embracing every part of me. Hands on my hips, thighs, mouth, arse, everywhere! I can feel his body fully against me, feeling his need, wanting every inch of him. My body responds to his and for a second, we forget, and he kisses me so passionately, showing me what is waiting for me. I respond to his need by sharing mine, sucking his tongue. He moans, and I am immediately brought back to the pub. I push him away, “Sam!”

  He firmly tells me “We’re leaving.”

  Just before we are back at the table, he mutters. “Drink fast. The boys love you.”

  I naughtily take my time with the beer, half preparing for what is coming and half to play with Sam, prolonging and allowing him to see, to watch me. It becomes clear to his mates that he’s checked out, his eyes on me, not moving. It’s time. I finish the rest of my beer, stand and say see you soon to the boys. We leave the car at the pub. Standing next to each other without words, without touching, waiting for a ride, is epically intense. In the taxi, he reaches for my hand, holding it gently. I’m reassured, immediately surrendering as my nervous energy disperses, trust.

  I can see his eyes on my body, lit by the dim streetlights. His eyes move down to my breasts, following the rise and fall of my breathing, as I am attempting to control my craving for him. I undo the first button on my shirt, and he follows my hand, rubbing my neck. His eyes take over, searching all over my body, calling my parts to him. He places his hand on my thigh, and my body reacts to curl under his touch. Sam grins clearly aware of his touch and how my body yearns and responds to him. His eyes move to my chest again, seeing the goose bumps before gliding back to my mouth, breast, lips as he squeezes my thigh. Oh. My., God. I am nervously ready. We arrive, and I realise we are at his house, when normally we are at mine. I look at him; he beams a mischievous smile back at me. A new wave of nerves rises in me. He’s behind me as we walk up the stairs. I can feel the movement of the air. My senses are on full alert, blood pumping my awareness into overdrive. Sam’s gaze is unflinching, penetrating, as he presses me against the door. His hands find my breasts, he pants heavily into my ear, with his manhood hard, pushed into me. My back arches to feel more of him.

  “Sam, babe,” I’m begging him. “Please, Sam, open the door!”

  Totally entangled in desire, he unlocks the door somehow, still pulling at my jeans. “Sam. Open. The. Door!”

  The door flies open, and we fall inside. Disentangling myself from him, he closes the door while holding me against the inside His desperation is clear now.

  I turn and kiss him with all that I have, as he pushes down my jeans and directs us to the kitchen, taking me hard against the bench, wildly and powerfully. As we catch our breath, he gently places his hand on my lady parts, turning me around. My whole body feels like jelly, my thighs weak, pulsating inside out. Sam gently removes the rest of my clothes, with soothing kisses on my rawness before guiding me to the bathroom. I feel like a deer in the headlights. We move in silence, overwhelmed by our wildness and tender from our efforts. He sits me on the bathtub and turns the shower on. I think we both know we pushed some boundaries tonight, in a healthy trusting way. Entering the shower, I allow the water to stream over my face. The heat is tingling on my skin, his arms are around me, holding us. I submerge myself into his chest, into him. I feel pained and a little panicked, but my lover is cherishing me, kind hands holding me, showering me with compassion.

  I feel worshipped by him. I turn to him and smile as he wraps me in a towel and dries off my body. My legs feel weak or perhaps I have more unspent energy? He walks me to the bed, removing the towel and lying me down. I feel so safe.

  I invite him into me, opening my legs to him and asking him to enter me. I want him, to move inside me very slowly, to explore the slightest of movement, to build our connection. I want to feel the strength of Sam grow inside me. Sam leans down and places a kiss on the crevasse where my hips meet my thighs, his signature move. As we begin, I whisper “slowly, very slowly,” and use my hips to guide him. He recognises my vulnerability, interlacing our hands above my head, as time falls away from us. I’m pained and overcome, with him, with our efforts this evening and it’s not long before I’m begging Sam. Pleading him to move faster, feeling his souls�
�� touch, needing him to love my pains, my panicked self. I’m lost in us, as my hips call him, driving his timing. He knows how to pace me, to steady me beyond my limits, and slows me. My hips are pushing him to liberate me, my begging beyond any comprehension. Soon I turn to pleading, not to stop, lost in the feel of him. It’s excruciatingly pleasurable. He is holding this space, slowly, for me, and it’s all pouring out of me. I’m feeling his love. My body quivers, exploding as we release, and I lose it entirely. My emotions unleashed, as uncontrolled sobs reach out of my heart, engulfing my climax, body trembles, pain releasing, rawness pours out of me. My body, my heart, my tears, all pained outwardly. Sam holds me tightly, still inside me, as I cry a thousand tears of unleashed love, of complete trust and setting myself free from my demons. My body convulses in emotion, in a freed heart released from its’ cage. I reach for my chest, my hands over my heart, feeling the pounding of my heart, physically holding my hurts.

  My silent cries, never before felt in the presence of another, are expressed and held. Finally, my warrior self and womanly self are coming together, trusting me to move beyond my boundaries, for pushing and fighting for my love.

  Sam. A man who could show up in my hurt, hold my pain, steady me with strength and knew to follow his instincts to gently help me to trust myself in love and him. To bring forth my love, to bring forth my warrior woman he so loves to play with. A man who understands that I need to save myself. He can hold my hips, caress my shuddering lady parts, hold me while I cry, and laugh with me at our exposed selves, and we will feel the strength and boundaries of our love evolve. That’s a fucking warrior man. Don’t save me, hold my hips while I save my fucking self! Tonight, that was Sam. I am not sure how long I have cried for, nor how long we lie in silence. A smile creeps across my face, it’s over in the dark, a smile of holy wow! I’m proud of my emotional expression. He feels the change in me and releases his hold on me, planting a kiss on my forehead before rolling over. He reaches back for the touch of my hip and, when, just like that, he’s asleep. I contemplate and relive the night at least three times in my head, before I fall asleep. After all, I am the crazy one in this bed.

  HIM | Thirty-four

  Holding Evie tightly in my arms, in my bed, in my house, feels incredible. Breathing her in, walls have crumbled down for both of us. I’m happy, right now, I’m so happy. Simply holding the woman, I love in my bed, both of us carrying pain and learning how to love each other anyway.

  I have a sense that I helped, that I was able to be there for Evie, hold her, take care of her, free her. I know we are not perfect, and I don’t ever want us to be. I want us to be real, extraordinarily imperfect in our own right. I truly feel closer to Evie than ever before right now. I want to understand her experience, I want to hear her experience of us. And mostly I want the reassurance that I’m helping, I think. I decide I’m not going to hold back. I want us to be involved in understanding what is happening for each of us.

  “Evie. Tell me how your body feels, how you feel?” I wait.

  Initially she’s like a deer caught in the headlights. I know it’s a risk and I said I would wait for her to be ready, but I also want her to know it’s okay to trust me and I want to learn how to love her. I feel like we have hit a new level of trust and I want to keep it going, so I wait and she opens. I listen and learn. It’s hard to hear about her bodily experience as she describes it and how our desires aided her panic to subside and then to feel comfortable to release and to receive love, to be loved. I ask her about our intimacy levels and I really don’t want it to become an emotional crutch for us. Even though I’m petrified of her response, I have to put it out there, about control and us both having healthy control. She immediately agrees and it feels like we reach another level in our trust and communication. We talk about our intimate needs and how our desires are playing out. We even talk about pushing our boundaries; how it felt and what we both need. I tell her how I am trying to be open to new, even if I don’t truly understand.

  “I feel this rawness under the surface, with my emotions bubbling away and I’m trying to contain them as I don’t want to hurt you or expose you to my weakness.” I know I am navigating a delicate cliff and I’ve no idea what’s at the bottom, I want Evie to know and feel like I’m standing with her, even if I don’t fully understand.

  Evie queries, what do I mean by weakness? And I am actually lost for words. I add stupidly, even though I know it is not a truth, that emotional weakness is not a sign of strength.

  Evie asks if I think she is weak, or, better yet my dad? I’m choked up instantly, aware of the heat rising in me. Sweating in my own pain’s arrival during our conversation, followed by anger at thinking for a moment that Dad or Evie are weak. My thoughts race to make sense of what I’m discovering. I’m now the deer in the headlights, attempting to clear away my emotions. Pulling Evie closer, feeling the rawness of my realisation while Evie allowing me the time to ponder her reflections. I’m wounded but so appreciative of her insights. Not knowing what do to do or say. Evie holds my face closely, looking me dead in the eye. “The sexiest thing on a man is when he can share his emotional experience authentically and still be manly, there’s a strength in both - the lion and the deer.” Fuck there is a weird synchronicity in completing each other’s thoughts.

  She goes on to say that she wants us to continue like this, in opening up and trusting, and honestly sharing, even when it’s hard to hear. That she needs me to express my emotional self, as does she. We both need to find our own way in expressing it. I tell Evie how exposed I feel, after dealing with years of bottling things up it will take some time for me to figure out what this looks like for me and to try it out, I guess. We both shed some tears from the pure overwhelm and acceptance. I ask Evie if it was okay that I stayed inside her last night, that I wanted to feel that connection for me and to be there for her while she was expressing her emotions. She again holds my face to emphasise her point.

  “It was perfect. I felt the strength and beauty of my man so I could fall apart.” She traces kisses down to my heart and we both lose ourselves in touch.

  HER | Thirty-five

  I feel him stirring in his sleep. The sun warms my naked legs as it streams through the open window. I’m wrapped in his sheets, with his hand placed steady on my hip. Absently, my mind wonders how he always manages to find and hold one of my hips all night.

  He pulls my body in close, burrowing in behind me, without words, holding my left breast over my heart, my body engulfed by his. I arch into him. I can’t help it! He moans softly in my ear, knowing full well I love the sound of his manly rumblings, as his sounds reverberating inside my body, lighting me up. He feels my body smile at him and chuckles. We cuddle while our bodies play with each other, without words and yet so much is spoken in a touch, a brush of the skin, an almost touch, his breath on my neck, soft and soothing, his smell. I draw all of us into me. I’m almost asleep again, hidden in my man shell when he speaks.

  “Tell me how your body feels? Tell me how you feel?”

  I’m stunned awake, with questions being asked of my exposed soul. I thought we were brushing that one under the carpet. I turn to look away from him, take a deep breath before sharing my experience of last night.

  I expose him to what was happening in my body, all my sensations. I tell him about my body panicking and pained. My emotional nakedness shedding to the bones of myself. My voice shakes but I express my emotions and how safe I felt and how grateful I am of him holding me in that space. I share how much this means to me and how I feel about him in complete trust. He reciprocates, sharing his feelings and what he felt last night, too. We talk about the nature of our lovemaking. It is freeing to hear his side, his thoughts, his feelings, his vulnerabilities. We both reveal that our level of intimacy is new ground for both of us. He is listening to me and running with what his body wants to do, adding that he feels so energetic. He briefly alludes to letting go of some pain that he wasn’t ready to acknowledge last ni
ght, both of us emotionally shedding. He expresses feeling unsure about his own emotional release, he felt equally held in his own feelings by me and reassured that we could be in the moment together. I never considered that my freak out could help him, that he was also expressing emotions. I turn back to face him. My quivering voice tells him that he embodies the strength of ten men and the heart of a true lover, my lion and deer. He looks stunned at my words and my directness, but I cannot let him believe he is weak, when he is the complete opposite. Our feelings that had locked us away are unleashed. We hold, we hug, we touch, and we soothe for most of the morning. Cherishing each other’s emotional hangover.

  He is laying on my stomach, hands still holding my hips. Looking at his naked self, his beautiful back, I’m lost in the feel of him on top of me. I am pure happiness and my smile is permanently etched on to my face. I feel like the luckiest girl in the world and am appreciating it too, with this remarkable man in between my legs.

  I am so wired, that I feel like I can do anything. In the last 24 hours I feel like we have pushed ourselves to beyond our limits, sensing a quiver as the thought crosses my mind. I now recognise with Sam we are always going to push each other, in love and life, because that is what our relationship has started on. He has entered my heart so deeply; with the love I have felt for and from him. I never thought anyone could show up for me like this. I’m learning to receive his love and be present with just him in the tender moments, to outlive my history. I’m brought back to this moment and to my body by my man kissing my tummy, saying “mine, mine!” I acknowledge him with a smile, as he declares: “Food.”