Fusion

by Diana Kane

  “Be careful. I don’t want to see her hurt again.” I’m happy that Alex has so many people looking out for her well-being.

  “That isn’t what I want either. I’ll be careful, promise.”

  “Alright, I’ll make it sure we kick it into high gear then. I know I don’t really feel like staying late tonight if we can avoid it.”

  “Sounds good. Thanks.”

  True to her word Erin pushes things along and we finish my last case just after six. Not bad for a three level lumbar spinal fusion, an ACDF, a three level bilateral decompression and a brain tumor biopsy. I’m tired. The week of not sleeping in my own bed coupled with pushing it today is all catching up with me. The thought of getting Alex out of here keeps me going though. Alex lights up when I enter her room.

  “Earlier than you thought you’d be. Nice.” I smile back at her, exhaustion be damned, I can’t help it.

  “Erin moved things along really nicely, especially after I told her I was planning to discharge you tonight.” I look over Alex’s vitals. Everything looks good. Just a physical exam to pass then. “How have things been today?”

  “Uneventful. Made it a little further without the walker during rehab.”

  “Good. Well as long as the physical exam looks good I don’t see why you won’t be able to leave. The CT I ordered today looks good. I still can’t see any permanent damage and you seem fine.” I check Alex’s eyes, reflexes, sensation detection, and her wound sites. Everything looks good. “Ok. Let me see you walk.” She rises from the bed defiantly, making it clear how badly she wants to get out of here. I stand in front of her ready to catch her if needed, taking a step back each time she takes one forward. My back hits the wall on the other side of the room. Alex stops, her pulse point in her neck visibly pounding away, her eyes fixed on mine. I long for her to close the space between us, to keep me pinned against the wall and make me hers.

  “So?” Her questions shakes me out of my momentary fantasy.

  “Yeah, everything looks good.” I know the words have come out in a whisper. Neither of us have moved.

  “Good. You gonna put the order in then?” She turns and heads back to the bed. I detach myself from the wall and follow her. Once she is back in bed I head into the hallway to put orders in and calm my surging hormones.

  *****

  As soon as we get back to the house I realize that I don’t have any food. “Shit. I forgot about dinner. You’re probably starving. What if I order one of those BBQ chicken pizzas you like?”

  “Honestly, that sounds amazing right now.”

  “Good.” One crisis averted. “Let me come around and I’ll help you up the two steps into the house.” I expect her to put up a fight and am surprised when she doesn’t. Once back in the house Alex situates herself on the couch in the den.

  “Feel like watching a movie or something? I just want to do something normal, in a normal setting.”

  “That sounds nice.” I glance at the clock, it is just after 7. I call and order the pizza. “I’m going to take care of our bags, I’ll be right back. You need anything? You warm enough?”

  “I could use a blanket actually. What do you want to watch?”

  “You pick,” I call back down the hallway. I deposit our bags in the master bedroom and grab a blanket for Alex. I stop in the kitchen and gather two glasses of ice water. I settle myself on the couch in the den, sitting closer to her than necessary. Alex offers me half of the blanket so I slide underneath it, her body heat bombarding me.

  “It’s nice to sit on something other than that hospital bed, to not hear those monitors and all that background noise.” I understand how she feels. I try to calm my racing heart and raging desire. There are no barriers between us and we have complete privacy. My emotions beg me to wrap my arms around her, to eliminate the minimal space between us, but my brain prevails and I refrain. I realize now how difficult being at the house with Alex is going to be.

  “So did you find a movie?” I feel like a nervous teenager spending time with her secret crush. Alex turns her head to face me and our eyes lock. Her eyes glow as they dart back and forth from my eyes to my lips. I feel the excitement, knowing she is contemplating kissing me. She bites her lower lip before turning away from me. Alex audibly exhales, abandoning whatever she had been thinking about seconds ago.

  “Well I never did get you to watch Love Actually did I?” Crap. Abby and I watched it in the hospital. I know I promised Alex I’d watch it with her, but it was Abby’s pick.

  “Sounds good.” She starts the movie and we settle in. It isn’t long before we have to pause for the pizza delivery. We both over eat, which only serves to compound my exhaustion. I’m pleased that I don’t have to work tomorrow, but I know I won’t make it past 11 tonight. Alex yawns as this thought crosses my mind. Good, doesn’t look like she will either.

  “Well what did you think?”

  “I loved it. Easily one of my favorites. I’m glad you shared it with me.” I try to stifle a yawn but fail miserably.

  “Glad you liked it. You must be exhausted though. Why don’t you go to bed?”

  “I can make it until you are ready. No biggie.” Of course I’m already yawning again, Alex eyes me with skepticism.

  “I’m ready when you are.” We head down the hallway to the bedrooms. “Ok which room do you want me to use?”

  “The master.” Alex looks at me, confusion wrinkling her forehead as her eyebrows pull inward. Clearly she hasn’t comprehended that she will be watched closely.

  “I can’t kick you out of your own room. You have plenty of rooms right here.”

  “You aren’t kicking me out. I can sleep in the chair. I want you to sleep in here as the bathroom is connected. If I put you anywhere else there isn’t a guarantee that I’ll hear you if you need help. You know I sleep quite soundly.”

  “But—,” Alex opens her mouth to protest but the look on my face warns her not to argue. She heads into my bedroom. I put the bag of stuff Abby picked up for her on the bed so she can grab something to sleep in. I realize I’ll need to find something as well. Normally this would be an issue for me as I don’t sleep well unless I’m naked, but I’m so exhausted I could sleep in a polyester sack. Alex makes her way into the master suite. I quickly change and pull a few blankets out of the closet. I toss them on the ottoman in front of the chair. Alex exits the bathroom in a t-shirt and gym shorts. She still looks sexy, even dressed in that. The shirt hugs her curves perfectly, accentuating her breasts. I catch myself staring. Thankfully Alex does not notice.

  “All yours,” she informs me. I’m shaken out of my trance. It takes me a minute to realize that she is talking about the bathroom. I use the toilet and brush my teeth. Finished I exit the bathroom and head towards the chair.

  “You don’t have to.” Alex’s words stop me. I turn and look at her. “It’s a California King Catherine. Plenty big enough. You don’t have to sleep in the chair, unless you are more comfortable there.” I hesitate, not because I’d be uncomfortable, I know I would be too comfortable. The proximity to Alex would be both stimulating and tormenting at the same time. I don’t answer her, I just make my way to the far side of the bed. She is right, it is huge.

  I shut the lights off, but despite my exhaustion find myself unable to sleep. Alex is in my bed, yet it feels like a canyon separates us. I lay on my side facing her. I can barely make out her silhouette in the dark. Her breathing is even, so I watch her sleep. I long to reach over and touch her, to run my fingers over her face, to hold her as she sleeps, but I don’t. I want her to get some decent, undisturbed rest. My feelings can wait.

  Alexis

  Lying in bed next to Catherine has me on edge. She is so close I can feel her body heat, but I can’t reach over and touch her. I long to run my hands over the length of her lithe body. To take my time caressing every one of her curves. Instead I lay there staring at the ceiling. I’m too on edge to sleep even though I know I need to. Catherine’s breathing has evened out i
nto a rhythmic pace. I’m glad she is asleep. She has to be exhausted from trying to sleep in that damn chair. I lie there wondering if I will ever drift off. Eventually I do.

  I wake up to total darkness. It takes me a second before I realize there is a warm body against mine, that my arms are wrapped around someone. Where am I? I shake the cobwebs away and that is when the scent hits me, that warm vanilla scent that is Catherine. Fuck! Somehow after I drifted off I ended up rolling over and wrapping my arms around Catherine. I slowly extract my arms from around her, putting physical distance between us. How did this happen? Thankfully she doesn’t stir. I’m hopeful she has no idea what has happened. I feel dirty thinking it, but we’ve found a certain peaceful rhythm and I don’t want to disrupt it. I grab one of the pillows and roll away from Catherine. I hug it to me hoping that it will keep me from repeating my unconscious act again, but the pillow is cold and doesn’t feel anywhere near as good against my body as Catherine did. I sigh heavily, eventually drifting off to sleep again.

  I awake some time later to find myself on my back. At least the pillow kept me off of Catherine for the rest of the night. I wonder if she knows what I’ve done. It is then I realize that she is awake. She has been watching me sleep. I look over at her, dreading the response, scared that she knows. “Hey.” It sounds sheepish and guilty to my own ears.

  “Morning. Sleep alright?” I can’t tell if she is baiting me, if she knows and wants me to confess. Would she say anything if she did know?

  “Yeah, not bad. You?”

  “I slept very well actually. I’m afraid I’m going to need to run to the store before I can make you breakfast. Any requests?”

  She doesn’t know then. Good. It is for the best. “Pancakes sound amazing. Oh and bacon too.” Catherine laughs.

  “So easy to please. I can do that. I’m going to put the order in online and just use curbside pickup. That will minimize how long I have to leave you here alone.”

  “I’ll be fine, I promise.”

  *****

  Catherine returns with several bags of groceries. It looks like she is prepared to feed an army. I try to help her with the bags but she refuses, telling me to sit down. She deposits the first few bags on the counter and stops, her eyes examining me, her nostrils flaring. I can tell she is pissed. “Did you shower while I was gone?” I look at the floor. I knew when I did it that she wouldn’t be happy about it. I had hoped she wouldn’t notice. “I know you showered. You smell different. What would you have done if you had fallen?”

  “But I didn’t fall. I’m ok, really. That shower is amazing and I just wanted to feel clean, genuinely clean.” I look Catherine in the eyes, watching her anger melt away.

  “I’m sorry I got upset. I just…” Catherine stops speaking but never breaks eye contact. I don’t speak. She has something on her mind but it is something I can’t read. “I just worry about you is all. I wish you would have waited until I was back so I could make sure you were safe.”

  “I’m sorry. What is your plan for next week though? Eventually I’m going to be alone.”

  “Yes but not next week.”

  “What do you mean? Tell me you didn’t cancel your appointments and surgeries to stay here with me!” I feel anger starting to bubble up in me. I told her I didn’t want to be a burden on anyone.

  “Relax, I didn’t. I’ve arranged for a nursing service to be here while I’m at work. I will be here the following week though. The office is going to be closed for the week for some renovations the partners wanted, so I figured it was a good time to take the whole week off. Most of us are actually.” I feel relief at this bit of information until it hits me that she was probably going to actually go somewhere.

  “So where were you going to go?”

  “I was going to go visit Taylor. Not a big deal. She knows what happened. She wants me to stay here with you, just like I want to stay. I can go visit her another time.”

  “I never wanted you to put your life on hold to take care of me.” I can’t look at her. I feel shame for needing help and I feel like a burden, one she never asked for. I hear the soft patter of Catherine’s steps as she makes her way to the barstool I’m perched on. She takes my chin in her hand and forces me to look at her.

  “You are not making me put anything on hold. You are here because I want you here, because I want to be here for you. You are not a burden.” I nod because if I speak I know I will cry. I hope that Catherine doesn’t notice but it seems that she does. She pushes my knees apart and pulls me into her chest. All of my senses are assaulted at once. Her tantalizing vanilla scent that I can’t get enough of permeates my nostrils awakening my desire for her. I open my eyes and discover her breasts are against my face. My mouth waters at the thought of teasing her nipples through the fabric of her shirt. I can hear the beating of her heart as she holds my head against her chest. The touch of her body against mine ignites all of my nerve endings. She holds me like this for a few minutes, neither of us speaking. Finally she pushes away. I want to pull her back to me. Maybe I do reach for her, I’m not sure.

  “I’ve got to get the rest of the groceries and put them away. Then I need to feed you.”

  Catherine makes me the promised breakfast of pancakes and bacon. She even remembers that I prefer mine with fresh strawberries and a little bit of whipped topping. After, we put together a jigsaw puzzle. It takes us a decent chunk of the day and serves as a nice break from the continual onslaught of movies we’ve been watching. Being this close to her is maddening though. Occasionally I look up to see her gazing at me but she looks away and doesn’t say anything. We finish the puzzle and Catherine sighs. I don’t know what it is but she is clearly preoccupied. I look at her and raise my eyebrows. She smiles momentarily then finds her voice.

  “I hate to do this to you but I would really like to go for a swim. I can’t let you swim though, it would be too much for you at this point.”

  “It’s fine. You should go for that swim. I know you love it and haven't been in the pool in at least a week. Go for it.” She smiles at me again, her relief evident.

  “Why don’t you come to the pool with me. I want to swim some laps but after we could get you in the shallow end, let you walk in there for a bit. Might be good for you.”

  “Yeah it might. I don’t have my suit though.”

  “No biggie. Wear one of mine or your gym shorts and a top if you want. You up for it?” I realize that I am. Something different to break up the monotony of movies and books that have consumed my time lately. The thought of the lukewarm water engulfing me too much to deny. I nod to her that I am. “Great! Lets get changed.”

  *****

  Watching Catherine swim is a thing of beauty. She slices through the water like she is a daughter of Poseidon. She is fast and seems tireless. I have no idea how long she has been at it. I turned my iPod on when we came out here and have barely heard the music, I’ve been so absorbed in watching her. Eventually she makes her way over to the side of the pool where I sit with my feet dipped in the water.

  “Ready?” I am. I peel off my shirt electing to do this in a pair of my gym shorts and a sports bra. I notice Catherine falter a little as I do so but am unsure if it is out of desire or because I’ve made her uncomfortable. Ever unreadable, she quickly snaps back and grabs me by the waist to help me into the water. Her strength comes as a surprise to me. She is certainly stronger than she looks.

  “Think you can make it all the way across the pool?” Catherine is issuing me a challenge, one that I don’t plan to back down from.

  “Across and back I’d bet.”

  “Now you’re just being cocky.” She is teasing me, I know. She takes her hands off my hips. “All right, lets see it then.” She backs up, her retreat matching my forward progress. I warn her before she hits the far side, not wanting her to hit her head. She quickly darts around me, preparing for the return trip. “Still think you can make it back?”

  “I know I can.” We start back and I realize
how great a metaphor this little exercise is for our relationship. Me chasing her, yet never catching her, Catherine always just out of reach. I complete the return trip and Catherine asks if I want to go again. I do. Our second lap complete I’m starting to feel a little tired but know that I have one more in me. “One more,” I inform her. She darts back around me and we continue our pattern.

  “I like this song. Who is it?”

  I’ve been so focused on Catherine that I have to stop and listen for a second. “Florence and the Machine.”

  “Wow her voice is amazing.”

  “She even sounds this good live.”

  “You’ve seen her?”

  “Yep, fantastic show.” I have half a lap left. We make the turn and head back. It takes me a little longer but I make it.

  “Great job Alex! You’ll be running around without that walker in no time.” I laugh and Catherine eyes me questioningly.