Fusion

by Diana Kane

  “I only use that walker because you make me. I don’t need it.” Catherine defiantly looks at me for a moment.

  “So get rid of it then.”

  “Maybe I will.” I’m close to being rid of it, I know I am. Once in a while though I feel my legs get shaky, like they are uncertain. “Why am I having this issue still? Is there damage you aren’t telling me about?” Catherine’s smile fades and I become certain that she has kept something from me. I start to feel a mixture of panic and worry.

  “Calm down Alex.” She makes her way to closer to me. “Your bleed was located at the anterior portion of your parietal lobe. There was a lot of pressure on your parietal and frontal lobes. I haven’t withheld anything from you. There isn’t any permanent damage showing on your scans. It is likely just residual trauma from the pressure on the brain. You are improving quickly and I expect you will fully regain your motor functions. If I had any doubt you’d still be in the hospital. I wouldn’t risk it with you.”

  “Ok.” I don’t sound convincing, even to myself.

  “Come on. I’ll remotely log in and show you everything.” We make our way out of the pool. Catherine seats me in one of the chairs at the small table that sits pool side. “Stay here. I’ll be right back.” She returns quickly, her laptop in hand. She pulls up a chair next to mine and logs into the system. We go over each of my scans, starting with the one she ordered on my arrival and ending with the final one taken yesterday. “I don’t see anything. The radiologist didn’t see anything. I know you can read these. Did you see anything?”

  “No. Just improvement from one scan to the next. None of the tell tale white spots.”

  “Exactly. I would never lie to you about this Alex. It is too important.” All I catch is the ‘about this’ part of her proclamation.

  “About this? Aside from the stuff before I moved out what else have you lied to me about?” Catherine looks downward and I feel my blood run cold.

  “I had already seen Love Actually. Abby and I watched a bunch of your favorite movies when you were in your coma. I had promised you before that I would watch it with you. I felt like I had broken that promise. Abby picked it though so we watched it. I’m sorry. I really do love the movie though.”

  “And?”

  “And nothing. Nothing else. I don’t want it to be like that with us.” Catherine has taken my hand, her eyes look as if she is going to cry.

  “Ok.” I don’t care for the fact that she just didn’t tell me but can appreciate her wanting to honor her promise. This is minor and easy for me to let go. “So what else did you two watch? What do you mean her pick?”

  “We alternated picks. We watched a few movies. We were both miserable and worried. Abby had heard that people in comas often find comfort in having their favorite music played or can recall what loved ones say to them. So we had a movie night where we played a bunch of your favorite movies. She chose Sliding Doors and Love Actually. I chose Carol and Batman Begins. I can’t remember after that honestly.”

  “Good picks. Gotta represent the nerd side of me.” Catherine laughs. “You talked to me?” Catherine nods that she did. “I don’t remember anything. What did you say?” Catherine stares out the windows for the longest time even though it is dark and there is nothing to see. I’m certain that she isn’t going to answer the question.

  “I begged you to come back, to wake up and to be ok. I begged you to open your eyes so I could see them again. I—,” she stops herself, tears streaming down her face. I take her face in my hands and force her to look at me. I gently use my thumbs to wipe her tears away. I’m certain that if I tried to kiss her now that I could. As badly as I want to I don’t. I need her to tell me she has come to terms one way or another with her emotions. I can’t open the floodgate only to discover it is too soon. Catherine’s stomach growls loudly, forcing both of us to chuckle.

  “Hungry?”

  “Yes, actually I am. I was thinking of making a stir fry. How does that sound?”

  “Really good, actually. I need to get back to eating healthier. I’m gonna get fat if I don’t.” Catherine looks me up and down and laughs.

  “I think you have a long way to go before you lose that tight stomach. Come on let’s make dinner.”

  *****

  I wake up that night to find Catherine pressed against me, her arm wrapped protectively over me, our hands and legs entwined. My heart races while my head questions what the fuck is happening. I need to remove myself from this situation. I want it too much. How to do it without waking her though. I slowly lift her arm and try to snake my way out from under it. After I’ve created a little distance between us I slowly lower it back to the bed. She doesn’t stir. I swing my legs over the side of the bed and stand.

  “Alex? Where are you going?” Shit! I freeze momentarily as Catherine switches on the bedside lamp, the light spurring me to take a step towards the bedroom door. “Alex wait!” I can hear Catherine behind me getting out of the bed. She cuts off my path to the door. “What’s wrong?”

  “I just woke up and you were spooning me! It’s hard enough being around you all the time Catherine. This is too much.”

  “But last night…” My blood turns cold again. I’ve been busted. She knows.

  “I honestly don’t know how that happened. I woke up and found you in my arms. I must have done it in my sleep. I was hoping that you had slept through it.”

  Catherine looks so confused. “Why?”

  “Because we’ve been here before.” I rub at my temples before running my palm over my face. “I need a little space.” I try to move around her but she refuses to let me pass.

  “Damn it Alex stop! I’m not running from you so please stop running from me!” Catherine’s words have frozen me in place. What is she saying? “Isn’t is obvious by now?” She doesn’t wait for my reply. She quickly closes the space between us, takes my face in her hands and kisses me.

  Catherine

  Alex’s movement combined with the cool air chilling her vacated space pull me from my slumber. Something must be wrong. I call her name and she freezes. I’m wide awake now but she is trying to leave again. I tell her to stop and she hesitates but is determined to leave. I know I can’t let her. I have to tell her now or never. I race from the bed and block her path. She went to bed before I did tonight and was fast asleep when I got there. After waking up in her arms last night I thought it would be fine to hold her. She doesn’t know that I know. I was wrong. She is going to run again. I can feel my last chance slipping through my fingers, like the last few sands in an hour glass as it empties. My frustration has reached it’s limit. Her unwillingness or inability to see what is clearly in front of her combined with my longing for her are too much. I kiss her and she freezes for what feels like forever before she responds. Relief surges through me as I feel her hands find my face and slowly start to snake their way down my body. Her tongue invades my mouth before quickly darting away. She bites my lower lip as she makes to pull away but follows it back to continue our kiss. Our mouths are fused together. I know now that I’ve never wanted anyone this badly. Alex’s hands are on my hips as she slowly pulls us back to the bed. I try to break off the kiss but she darts one hand up and presses the back of my head forbidding it. She breaks away from me just after I feel her bump against the bed. As soon as she is seated I tower over here and reclaim her lips. I feel greedy but our chemistry burns through me. Alex slowly slides back onto the bed, never breaking our rhythm. I can feel her hands snaking under my shirt as I press my body on top of hers. She bites my lower lip again as she starts teasing each of my nipples. I moan into her mouth, certain that I could come now if I allowed myself to. Alex deftly flips me over and this time sucks on my lower lip as she pulls away. She looks into my eyes, her greens are on fire. It only turns me on more.

  “You’re sure?” My chest is heaving, my breathing ragged, my nipples are so hard they ache and my sex is throbbing. I answer her by pulling her back in for another kiss. I’m not s
ure I will ever get enough of her lips on mine. Alex is tugging on my shirt, trying to pull it off of me. The cool air meeting my feverish body brings me back to my senses. She is trailing her way down my neck and working my nipples as my chest heaves with desire.

  “Wait!” She freezes and I can see confusion, disappointment and hurt in her eyes. She hangs her head, her shoulders slumped in defeat as she starts to untangle herself from me. I pull her back on top of me and kiss her again. “It isn’t that. I want you more than I’ve ever wanted anyone, please believe me. It’s just you aren’t ready. You aren’t physically ready for that level of exertion.” Alex eyes me the fire back in her eyes. She kisses me again. I allow it but break it off before it becomes too intense. “I’m serious Alex. This is indescribably difficult for me, but now that I’ve got you I won’t risk your health. We can wait. It won’t be much longer.” Alex sighs and kisses me again before rolling off of me. She sits on the edge of the bed, her back to me. It takes me a minute but I slowly see the heave in her shoulders, she is crying. “Alex?”

  “I’m fine, I’m fine.” I know that she is not fine though. I move behind her and wrap my arms around her. I hold her tightly and slowly guide her back onto the bed. She hasn’t said a word. We lay together on the bed, her back against my chest. I can feel it when she gains control of her emotions, her breathing leveling out.

  “You asked me what I said to you while you were in your coma.” Alex rolls onto her back and then onto her side. Our faces are mere inches apart. She doesn’t speak. I wish she would, I am paralyzed by fear, fear that if I admit the rest it will be too much too soon. I slowly stroke her face as she looks at me expectantly. “I didn’t tell you everything Alex. I did beg you to come back to me. I also told you that I am ready and that I love you.” Fresh tears spill out of both our eyes. She kisses each of mine away and then kisses me. Not a frenzied kiss like those we shared moments ago. This one slower and filled with emotion. We separate too soon and Alex rolls onto her back pulling me into her arms. My head rests on her chest, our legs entwined. I can hear her heartbeat, the rhythm is soothing. “I’m not going anywhere Alex. I promise you I’m not going anywhere.” She softly kisses me on the top of my head as she lazily trails her fingers up and down the length of my spine. I squeeze her tighter, attempting to close the imaginary space between us. The combined rhythm of her heartbeat along with the caresses along my spine lull me back to sleep.

  Alexis

  I can’t sleep. As I lay here holding Catherine my mind is swirling with emotional overload. Catherine’s kiss has somehow validated everything I have been feeling every time our eyes met, every time she touched me, what I had felt the first time I laid eyes on her. We have a natural rhythm, as if we’ve been with each other for years. We simply fit. But what if she decides that this isn’t right for her, that she was wrong and she can’t do this? My first instinct is to run, to get out and protect myself as if it isn’t already too late. She said she loved me. People who say that always leave though. Catherine lays asleep in my arms, her head on my chest while I slowly trail my fingertips up and down her back. She is right here. She didn’t run. She stopped me from running. Over and over I try to reassure myself, but doubt and fear keep creeping back in. Confusion coupled with exhaustion and unreleased sexual frustration combine, eliciting a heavy sigh from me.

  “Mmm…what’s wrong?” Shit, I’ve woken Catherine. My fingers freeze, my heart rate speeds, my mouth turns into a dessert. I can’t pretend I’m asleep and I can’t answer. “Alex?” Catherine lifts her head from my chest and looks me in the eye.

  “Nothing. Go back to sleep.” My fingers resume their trek along her spine. Catherine doesn’t budge.

  “I think not. Talk to me.” She slides a little up the bed and positions herself so that her face hovers over mine. Her eyes bore into me, searching for what it is I refuse to say. Her hand moves up and strokes the side of my face. “I’m here Alex. I’m right here.”

  “For now. What happens when you decide you can’t though?”

  “Oh Alex.” Catherine kisses me softly, our lips meeting too briefly. “I meant what I said.”

  “Why now though? Is it because of the accident? Is it some reaction out of pity or something?”

  “No Alex. I’m here because I want to be here, because I can’t ignore how I feel about you. I wanted to tell you before the accident. I looked for you all day to tell you that I was hoping we could talk. I just kept missing any chance to connect with you. I thought you were with Brooke but I was still going to tell you, not to separate the two of you but just to…I don’t know. I just wanted you back in my life in some capacity. I missed you so badly that a constant ache tore through me. I missed you that day, the day the accident happened. When they wheeled you into the ER and I finally saw that it was you I was a wreck. I wasn’t sure how I was going to operate on you, I have never been so scared in my life. I was a mess afterwards as well. Abby knew, Taylor knew, even Erin quickly figured out how I feel about you. They all told me to tell you, but I insisted that it needed to wait, that you needed to focus on healing first. I thought it was obvious how I feel, surely it must be if everyone else can see it, but you never did or you chose to ignore it. Last night when I woke up in your arms I thought finally. Nothing had ever felt so right to me. When you tried to run I could feel it, my chance was slipping through my fingers. I had to tell you or you would be gone again.”

  I lay there in silence, contemplating everything she has just said. The added information turning the storm into a tornado. “Erin knows?”

  Catherine releases a small chuckle as she shakes her head in disbelief. “Out of everything I just told you that is what you’re focused on? She was there during your surgery. She saw me with you after. She figured it out quite quickly. She told me that I needed to tell you, and warned me that I better not hurt you. She also assured me that she wouldn’t tell anyone.”

  “No, we can trust Erin.” I sit and contemplate everything, trying to quiet my fears, trying to be in this moment.

  “Alex tell me the one thing I can do to make you believe me. I’m here, I want this. I’m not going to run.” I sit and I think about it. Catherine keeps stroking the side of my face, her worry becoming evident.

  “Nothing…I can’t think of anything.”

  “Then I need you to trust me. Give me time, give us a chance. I don’t let people get close to me and I am not fast and lose with my emotions.” Catherine continues to stare at me, her blue eyes pulling at me like a riptide in the ocean. I pull her face to mine and kiss her, because in the end she is what I want, what I’ve wanted for months. The kiss intensifies and we are quickly back at it again, pawing at one another like teenagers left to their own devices. Just like before Catherine breaks it off. I roll off the top of her and flop back onto the bed, letting an audible growl escape me.

  “I know baby. It is hard for me too. Soon though. Soon you’ll be healthy enough. Just let the anticipation build until then.” She rolls on top of me and kisses me again before sliding back down, resuming her position in my arms. This time I sleep.

  *****

  I wake up in the morning to find Catherine gone. I look at the clock and discover it is almost nine. How in the world did I sleep so late? I get out of bed and quietly pad my way down the hall towards the kitchen. I can hear sounds coming from there. Catherine is busy cutting up fruit, her back to me. She isn’t aware that I’m awake. I tiptoe across the space between us, waiting for her to put the knife down. As soon as she does I strike, coiling my arms around her waist, kissing her on the side of her neck. “Morning beautiful.” She tenses momentarily before giggling and turning to face me.

  “Good afternoon sleepy head,” she teases me as her arms wrap around my neck and she presses her lips against mine. Could every morning be like this? “I thought you were going to sleep all day.” I grin at her as I see the playfulness in her eyes.

  “I pretty much did. Why didn’t you wake me?” Our arms are still lo
cked around one another, our foreheads together, keeping our lips apart.

  “You need to rest.”

  “So do you.”

  “I slept very well, thank you.” Catherine kisses me again. I could stay like this all day. As if reading my mind she slowly backs me up to the bar. “Have a seat. I’m working on our breakfast.”

  “I know what I want for breakfast.” I arch an eyebrow at her and grin.

  “Well that’s not on the menu…yet.” She is teasing me, making this seem so easy for her. I want to leap off this stool and pin her against the bar. To take her here and now. But I know that she will stop me and I know that she deserves better. I’m staring at Catherine’s ass, which even in sweat pants looks amazing. She turns her head and catches me, raising her eyebrow in that questioning manner.

  “Forget something?” I raise my eyes to hers, I’ve been too focused on what I’d like to do to her ass to even register what she has said. “Where is your walker?”

  “I’m good. I don’t need it.” She raises that eyebrow again but says nothing.