In the Heart's Shadow

by T. L. Haddix

  “She was sixteen weeks along when she started bleeding. By the time we got to the hospital and her doctor saw her, it was over. They found the cancer when they were doing the tests to diagnose the miscarriage.”

  Stacy was frozen in the middle of the room, unable to move. There was so much anger and grief in his voice that she was afraid to approach him. She was afraid if she did, that he might shatter.

  “They went in the next day and did the biopsy and all the tests that they run when they suspect malignancy. The CT scans, the PET scans, MRIs. Before we had time to grieve, she was diagnosed with stage-four ovarian cancer, and we were fighting to keep her alive. Nine fucking months later, she was gone.” Before Stacy could react, he let out a primal, anguished cry and swiped his arm across the top of the dresser, clearing the surface.

  The movement snapped her out of her immobility, and she hurried over to him. She slid her arms around him from behind, feeling the tension in his muscles. Tightening her arms, she held on, whispering over and over again, “I’m sorry.”

  Gordon staggered back, then sank to his knees in front of the dresser. Stacy went with him, not letting go even when he slammed his clenched fists into the dresser, and while she held him, he cried.

  CHAPTER 26

  THE DEPTH OF HIS GRIEF was stunning. As she held Gordon, Stacy’s own tears fell unnoticed. When the firestorm of emotion had finally calmed down, she felt drained. She could only imagine what he felt. He got up, excusing himself without looking at her, and opened a door on the far end of the room. Stacy heard water running and figured the room was a bathroom.

  Standing, she felt as if she’d run a marathon. She moved to the mess on the floor where he’d swept the dresser clean and started picking up the figurines.

  “You don’t have to do that,” he told her as he came out of the bathroom. His voice was still thick from the tears, and Stacy glanced at him.

  “I know.”

  “Sorry about that. I didn’t expect this to hit me so hard. This is the first time I’ve been back in here in over five years.”

  “For heaven’s sake, don’t apologize. I understand.” With the dresser set back to rights, she crossed her arms over her chest, unsure what to do next.

  Gordon touched one of the figurines lightly, then moved his hands to her shoulders, pulling her into him. Stacy wrapped her arms around his waist and closed her eyes.

  “I finally moved on from everything except this,” he told her. “I let go of Mallory a while ago. Back in February, I let go of the anger from having my life turned upside down for the third time, finding myself in a completely different place than I thought I’d be at my age after losing my job. But I’ve been putting this one last piece of closure off.”

  “No one says you have to,” Stacy murmured, looking up at him.

  “I say I have to. Seeing Ian and Cole this morning? It’s time.” His muscles relaxed as he looked around the room. “Let’s get out of here. Get our bags out of the car, get you settled in. We probably should think about getting some groceries in the house, too.”

  There was no way he was over the loss that quickly. But he left the door to the nursery open, and as he showed her the rest of the house, some of the tension that had been riding him since they’d left Leroy that morning seemed to fade. She thought about this morning, when they’d seen the Moores’ babies, and how much harder it had to be for him to watch the people around him have children, knowing all the while what he’d lost.

  She wasn’t happy that he’d kept his wealth a secret, but she understood why he had. He didn’t live like he had millions socked away in a trust fund, and Stacy believed him when he said he wouldn’t miss the money if it disappeared tomorrow. She was also a little ashamed of her thoughts toward Mallory. Knowing Gordon as well as she did, Stacy could infer from what he’d said that the other woman had stomped on his pride pretty heavily.

  That disregard of his feelings made her wonder how solid their marriage had actually been, but she knew she would never question him about it. She didn’t think she would have liked Mallory very much, all things considered, and that was something else she wouldn’t be rushing to tell Gordon.

  They made a trip out, grabbing a bite to eat before going to the grocery store. When she spotted the large thrift store in the same shopping center, Stacy begged off grocery shopping.

  “You know what I like to eat, and I really, really need some clothes.”

  He smiled. “Have fun. Call if you need me.” He gave her a brief kiss, and they went their separate ways.

  Stacy had quite a bit of luck in the thrift store, and on the heels of that success, she headed to a nearby shoe store to see if she could duplicate it. She was paying for her purchases when her phone rang.

  “Where are you?” Gordon asked.

  “Shoe store, checking out. You?”

  “The car. Need help carrying packages?”

  She thanked the clerk and accepted the handle of the large bag. “Maybe.”

  “See you in a second, then.”

  He pulled the car up to the curb as she was coming out the door. They were on the quiet end of the busy shopping center, and he parked, getting out to open the back door for her. “You did find some goodies, then.”

  “Oh, yes.” She handed him some of the bags, which he placed in the car. “There’s a trick to shopping at thrift stores and consignment shops,” she confessed as they got in and he pulled away from the curb. “Shop at the stores in the ritzier neighborhoods if you want better clothes. The small stores that aren’t part of a large chain are better, because the larger chains have distribution centers.”

  “Why is that? The ritzier neighborhoods, I mean?”

  “Because the women who live in those neighborhoods tend to recycle their wardrobes every season. All those gorgeous clothes are tax write-offs.”

  Gordon shook his head, and the expression on his face was impossible to interpret. Stacy realized that Mallory had probably been exactly the kind of woman she’d just described, and she winced. He didn’t seem offended, though. “Amazing. What all did you get?”

  “Six pairs of pants, eight blouses, some casual clothes, and a couple small purses. And then four pairs of shoes at the shoe store. Not to sound snobbish, but I prefer to be the first person to own a pair of shoes.”

  He had to pull over because he was laughing so hard, but Stacy didn’t think he was all that amused. When he got out of the car and sat on the hood, running his hands through his hair, Stacy didn’t know what to think. After a minute, she got out and went to him.

  “What’s wrong?”

  Gordon looked almost angry as he glanced down at her, then quickly away. “Nothing. Nothing I can put into words, anyhow.”

  They were getting odd looks from a couple of the residents of the dead-end street where he’d pulled off. Stacy touched his arm. “We probably should go.”

  “Yeah.” Without another word, he got back in the car, and Stacy followed. When he pulled back out onto the road, he sighed. He reached over and picked up her hand, squeezing once before settling it on his leg. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you.”

  “You didn’t. I was just worried.”

  They were both quiet that afternoon, each lost in thought.

  Stacy washed as many of her clothes as she could, not including the new ones that had to be dry cleaned. She insisted on throwing Gordon’s dirty clothes in with hers.

  “I’ll need to find a sewing machine, I guess. All these pants have to be altered to fit.”

  “You can sew?”

  They were in the basement, and she was folding the laundry she’d washed. She shot him a look. “Of course I can sew. You did see those quilts I made, right? Besides, I’m five-two, and I’ve been on a budget for as long as I can remember. The only clothes that fit me without alteration are from the juniors department. It was either learn to sew, or go through life looking like I was playing dress up.”

  “So you learned to sew.”

 
; She smiled. “I learned to sew. And I like to sew. It’s peaceful.”

  He came over and stole a kiss. “I know someone else who likes to sew, and I’m pretty sure she wouldn’t mind you using her machine. Want me to call her and ask?”

  “Who?”

  “My mother-in-law, Sandra. She wants me to bring you to dinner, anyhow.”

  A rush of trepidation hit Stacy. “I don’t know.”

  “She’s a very nice lady, I promise you. I want you to meet her. I think you’ll really like her.”

  “You don’t think it would be awkward, my meeting her? Given our relationship?”

  He ran a hand through her hair. “No, I don’t. I’ve talked to her about you. She knows we’re involved. She’s okay with that.”

  “I can’t imagine it’s easy for her.”

  “She’s a big girl, and she can take care of herself. She told me so.” He tapped her nose. “Trust me on this.”

  Closing her eyes, she gave in. “Okay. If that’s what you want.”

  “I’ll set it up.”

  That evening, when they got ready to go to bed, Stacy hesitated outside the door to the master bedroom. Already inside, Gordon turned and came back to her. “What’s wrong?”

  “You’ll think I’m ridiculous, but I feel like I’m trespassing.”

  He cocked his head to the side. “Trespassing?”

  She nodded, leaning against the doorjamb. “This was hers, this room, hers and yours. I don’t feel right being here with you.” She knew the words wouldn’t go over well, but she felt how she felt. She owed him honesty, even if the words would upset him. They did.

  “She’s been gone for five years.”

  “I know. But I’m not comfortable sleeping in her bed.”

  Gordon looked at the bed, then back at her. Hands on his hips, he shook his head. “Okay. I guess I understand that. So we’ll sleep in the guest room.” When Stacy grimaced, he threw his hands in the air. “That’s out, too?”

  “Sorry. I told you you’d think I’m being ridiculous.”

  His jaw tightened. “A little, yes. What if I promise nothing will happen, that we’ll only hold each other?”

  Stacy bit her lip. “Do you really think we can be in the same bed and just sleep?”

  “We could try. The couch? It’s a sleeper sofa.”

  The desolation on his face reminded her of a boy who’d lost his puppy. “Just for tonight. I need time to get used to the idea.”

  Grumpily, he gave in. “But if you change your mind any time through the night, I’ll be right here. Alone. Cold. Shivering in my jammies.”

  Stacy laughed as he gathered her close for a kiss. “You don’t wear jammies,” she murmured in between kisses.

  “I will tonight. Otherwise, I’ll freeze. Because I’ll be alone.” Despite his words, he was walking her backward across the hall. “You know I’m teasing, right? Sort of?”

  “I know. And I appreciate your patience.”

  After a series of kisses that made a serious dent in her resolution, he released her. “I’ll be across the hall if you need me. Or want me. Or any combination of the two.”

  Before she changed her mind, Stacy went in the guest room and closed the door. As much as she wanted to be with him, she couldn’t, not until she had her head around the idea of sleeping with him in Mallory’s house. It was going to be a long night.

  Stacy tossed and turned for three hours before she drifted into a fitful sleep. She didn’t stay asleep long, though. The bed was too lonely without Chloe, and the house was too quiet and foreign. As she kicked off the covers and flipped onto her back, she admitted to herself that she wasn’t going to be able to sleep without Gordon. If sharing a bed didn’t bother him, then it shouldn’t bother her.

  She left the bedroom and padded across the hall. Moonbeams shining in through the slats in the blinds crossed the bed—the empty bed. Perplexed, Stacy stopped in the doorway and looked down the hall. There were no lights on, but a rustle of sound came from the living room, so she headed that way. As soon as she came to the end of the hall, she saw him.

  Standing at the French doors that led onto the patio, Gordon was staring out into the yard. He’d pushed back the long curtains and was cast in silvered shadows, moonlight hitting his face and arms. Hands braced against the frame, he looked like a man with the weight of the world on his shoulders. He tensed when he realized she was there.

  “Hey,” she said softly as she approached him.

  “Hey back. Can’t sleep?”

  Stacy crossed her arms. “No. I don’t like being alone.”

  “It’s not all it’s cracked up to be.” He finally looked at her as she moved to stand beside him.

  “I see you found some jammies.”

  “I did.”

  With a little groan, Stacy leaned into him. “You’re not going to make this easy on me, are you?”

  He gave a short laugh, but his arms came around her. “I don’t want to appear too eager.”

  “No such thing. Come to bed?”

  “You sure?”

  Stacy nodded. “Absolutely.”

  She didn’t protest when he picked her up. Instead, she wrapped her legs around his waist and put her arms around his neck.. The tension in his muscles called to her. Flickers of arousal chased across her skin. When he sat her down on the edge of the kitchen counter, she gasped. “That’s cold!”

  “Not for long.” His hands cupped her head, and his lips met hers in an open-mouthed kiss.

  Stacy matched him move for move. Their hands tangled as she fought to get his shirt over his head. Her nightgown quickly followed his shirt to the floor, and within seconds, they were both naked.

  “I missed you,” she whispered as he trailed kisses across her collarbone. In answer, he brought his mouth back to hers, his hands pulling her hips forward.

  It wasn’t until afterward, when they were clinging to each other as though they’d never let go, that she realized they hadn’t used condom.

  CHAPTER 27

  GORDON WAS DAZED. ALL HE could do was hold on to the counter and to Stacy and try to breathe. His face was buried in the curve of her neck and, too weak to pull back, he placed a trembling kiss there. Guilt speared him. He hadn’t been able to stop, not even when he realized they didn’t have a condom. Even if Stacy had asked him to, he didn’t know if he could have stopped. Still breathing hard, he kissed her shoulder and drew back enough to see her face. “Please tell me I didn’t hurt you.”

  In the moonlight coming through the uncovered kitchen window, he could see that Stacy’s eyes were half-closed, but she was smiling. “Mmm, no. But you do realize we have a little problem, right?”

  “Yeah. I need to apologize for that, too.”

  To his surprise, her smile widened into a full-on grin, and she started laughing. Her legs tightened around his hips, drawing him closer.

  Confused, Gordon was speechless.

  “Do you realize,” she asked, her voice low and interspersed with chuckles, “what we just did on the kitchen counter? Literally on the kitchen counter? And it was… wow.”

  “Uh, yeah. I do.” Reaching behind her, he pulled several paper towels off the roll and handed them to her. She was still chuckling, and he didn’t know what to think. “You’ll need these.”

  Her brow furrowed. “Okay.” She saw why when he stepped back, and Gordon bent to pick up their clothes while she took care of herself. He still had one foot in his lounge pants, and he went ahead and kicked them off. When he came back up, he saw that she was biting her lip. He laid the clothes on the counter beside her, then threw away the soiled towels. He helped her to the floor, steadying her when her knees threatened to give way.

  “The last thing I wanted was to take the choice away from you,” he confessed. “Either about the sex or birth control.”

  “What? Galen, no. No, no, no. I was with you every step of the way here. That’s why I was laughing. I just had sex on a kitchen countertop. And I’m okay. I enjoyed
it. I didn’t think twice about getting involved here.” She brushed back her hair. “I didn’t think even once, hence the lack of a condom.”

  “Still, I feel responsible. I couldn’t stop.”

  “Neither could I.” She laid her hand over his heart. “Don’t you dare beat yourself up over this. You have to understand something. This wasn’t just sex. You forgot what I’d been through. For a little while, I was a normal woman to you. And to myself. And that’s something I never thought I would be able to be. Ever.”

  Gordon touched her neck, letting his hand rest on her shoulder. “You are a normal woman to me. What happened to you all those years ago doesn’t make you who you are. It means I’m more careful, usually, when we’re intimate.” She shuddered, and gooseflesh came up across her skin. “You’re cold. We need to get you dressed.”

  When he reached for their clothes, Stacy stopped him. “No, we need to get me in bed. Snuggled up with you.”

  His breath caught, and he coughed to cover it up. “You’re sure?”

  “Yes.” Taking his hand, she led him to the guest room. “If you want to, I mean.”

  “I’ll always want to be with you, wherever and however.” Gordon didn’t say much more as his thoughts circled. The day had been one for revelations.

  “You know, I can think of a lot of things that would be worse than being pregnant as a result of what we just did,” Stacy whispered once they were snuggled together under the covers. “I can’t think of many things that would be better, though.”

  His arms tightened around her quickly, making her squeak. “Sorry,” he said, loosening them so that she could breathe. “Do you mean that?”

  “I do, yes. I love you, you know.” Her voice dropped off. When she relaxed, even given a little snore, he raised up on one arm to look down at her in disbelief. Sure enough, she was asleep. First thing in the morning, he would find out if she meant what she said. If she did, he was going to do his damnedest to make sure they never spent another night apart.