Discovery of Desire

by Susanne Lord

  I’m so sorry, Georgiana…

  She had come to his room as much for her as for him. Life in Bombay seemed possible when he was near. Somehow, he could offset so much of what was wrong and frightening. He hugged her close and she was so safe, so cared for, in this moment. Hot tears collected on her eyelashes but she ignored them as they raced from the corner of her eyes down her cheeks.

  Seth would return. He would live in England, in the landscapes she loved, and she would imagine him there, climbing the rolling green hills, following his river to the birch, in the frost and in the spring and in the splendid summers. And she was so glad.

  I’m so sorry, Georgiana. You were lost. Her heartbeat steadied. But Seth won’t be.

  He raised his head but didn’t release her hand. “You helped, Minnie. You don’t know how much.”

  “Last night was terrible. Today…” How much worse would it be if he received confirmation Georgiana had been murdered? “Today, we’ll make a new plan.”

  His eyes centered on her and he nodded. “A plan. I don’t know if I trust Colin Rivers. Even if he had Georgie’s journal. He might have stolen it.”

  Much as she disliked Colin Rivers, the man was a well-salaried deputy director in the East India Company. Why would he steal or lie?

  Moving as quietly as she could in the hotel’s silent hall, she turned back to Seth. Lines were etched on his brow and beneath his eyes. Sadness. And strain. When he saw her looking, he nodded and gave her a wink.

  And the crack in her heart deepened.

  They could plan, but they’d never be able to prepare for what was to come. He knew that now as well as she did. How did you prepare in a world that took all your love and used it against you?

  No, there was no preparing. But there may be someone along the way who could help you keep a small bit of hope alive. Maybe that was a lesson she was meant to learn. She might lose her heart, but it wouldn’t be broken. It would only be taken.

  Seth had said there was only one place in the world you left your whole heart. She would give hers to him and get on with the rest of her life and be grateful.

  Because her heart could go home.

  Thirteen

  “They confirmed it, then?” Tom lowered the telegram and looked at Seth across the table in the hotel lobby. Mina and Emma sat silent, their faces pale and solemn.

  Seth reached to take back the telegram from the Assam commissioner’s office. “Only took two days, on account of a venture girl, Caroline. Her beau knew a man, who knew a man in the capital of Lower Assam, who expedited matters. Even the Monday before Christmas.” He folded the paper into his pocket. “I got the telegram this morning. After breakfast.”

  Mina’s eyes widened with what looked like regret. “I’m sorry I wasn’t with you.”

  He shook his head. “It wasn’t news, Minnie.”

  It hadn’t been news at all. Georgie was lost to him the day Rivers said she was. Holding Mina in his arms that night, he’d said good-bye to his sister, the last soul belonging to him. The telegram almost didn’t matter.

  He found Mina’s hand under the table and held it. “They confirmed the Chinese man and his companion were killed, just like Rivers said.”

  No one spoke, so Seth cleared his throat in the silence and continued. “I need to go there, see that she was buried proper, and ask after the little one. Find her.”

  And he would find the orphan. Finding was what he did.

  But that didn’t mean he’d find her alive.

  “Can the child still be there?” Emma asked.

  “Will Repton sent me here to find her,” he said. “I can’t leave until I know where she is. I can’t delay any. I start the journey tomorrow.”

  Mina gripped his hand under the table. “Then you and Thomas must go immediately,” she said quietly.

  Tom nodded. “Certainly, Mina. Just as soon as I’m assured of your security here.”

  Mina looked at Tom like he’d just slapped a puppy. “Security?”

  Ah…hell.

  “We are perfectly secure, Thomas,” she said calmly.

  Too calmly. Mina straightened in her seat, and Seth took to studying the table. No, Mina wouldn’t tolerate that. She was damn stubborn about taking care of herself and her sister. Hell, she’d turned down his money a half dozen times and he was running out of time—fast.

  But Tom wasn’t keeping his mouth shut. “Mina, my conscience and my duty—”

  “Your duty is to Mr. Mayhew and his travel arrangements,” she said. “It is rather clear what needs to be done. And quickly. Already the day is half gone, Thomas.”

  Seth kept his face blank, but he had the strangest urge to laugh. His little officer quelling insubordination and giving orders. And always on his side.

  But it was damn awkward.

  “Yes, of course,” Tom mumbled. “I…I’ll start on that today, shall I, Mayhew?”

  “I’d be obliged, Tom,” he said.

  “Right, then.” Tom pushed to his feet. “I’ll start on that carriage hire, and call on you after five.”

  Seth nodded and Tom took himself off. Mina darted a glance at him. She was mothering him but trying not to be caught at it. It was plain enough, though—in the way she showed up at his door at every mealtime to make sure he remembered to eat. And helped him plan, listening to all his questions as to how Georgie could be gone, how anyone could hurt her. And the way she lay beside him at night so he could sleep.

  And all that felt less like mothering, and more like saving his life.

  He squeezed Mina’s hand under the table and willed her to look at him. He knew every eyelash, every golden flare in her warm, brown eyes. How was he meant to leave her tomorrow? Yet she hadn’t asked him to stay.

  It was all that straight thinking. Mina knew she needed a man who was safe.

  And when he was thinking straight, he knew he didn’t deserve her.

  “I suppose that man will be calling to collect his reward,” Emma said.

  Seth sighed, knowing Emma was on her way to getting good and riled over Colin Rivers.

  Emma narrowed her eyes. “He is utterly vile. I would give him nothing.”

  “I don’t like him much myself, Emma,” Seth said gently. “But he’s punished enough by not getting you for a wife.”

  Emma’s lower lip trembled. “I’m sorry to dwell on the horrid man, Seth. He should not be spoken of in the same breath as you.” She stood and hugged him hard around the neck. “I’m so sorry. You don’t deserve this.”

  He patted her arm. “Thank you, Emma.”

  She crushed her handkerchief to her face and whimpered, “I’m going to the room, Mina.”

  “All right, dear.”

  But Emma was already weeping as she walked up the stairs.

  Seth arched a brow at Mina. “With those ready feelings, she would’ve made a fine player for the stage.”

  Mina smiled at him. “Emma’s always loved you a little, you know?”

  “Has she now?” He held her eye, willing her to say the same. To say more.

  But Mina dropped her eyes. She was wearing the same sweet woodruff-print dress she’d worn the day he met her, and her eyes were lighter today. Like tea with too much water. He leaned closer for the scent of English rose. Of Mina. He’d remember that perfume forever.

  The breath he took was shaky, rattling him further. There wasn’t any time at all left. “Can we leave, Minnie?” he blurted. “I’m feeling like the air’s too thin.” He couldn’t draw it deep enough into his lungs.

  She rose, and he stood slowly, his legs less than steady under his weight.

  “Leave your door unlocked,” she said. “I’ll meet you as soon as I can without being seen.”

  “No—”

  She left him before he could stop her. Not his room…not in the middle of the
day. If anyone ever saw her enter or leave, her reputation would be good and ruined—

  And that hadn’t really occurred to him until now. In the middle of the night, he’d let her come to him again and again. What kind of man let a lady take that kind of risk?

  He cursed under his breath. The entire lobby might have been judging him, as conspicuous as he felt leaving and climbing the stairs to his room. But Mina was on her way, and damned if he didn’t need to be alone with her.

  A long, quarter hour passed before she slipped into his room, and he pulled her into his arms. And no matter the risk, he wasn’t letting her go.

  “Minnie.” Her name was all he could manage, and she seemed to understand, letting him hug her harder than he should.

  “You have to go,” she said softly. “Georgiana would want you to look for Aimee.”

  “She would.” He closed his eyes. “I do have to go. I have to see to Georgiana. She’s past caring, but if I don’t bury her proper, it’s like she’s still lost. And I’m not letting her stay lost.”

  She nestled closer. “When you learn where they laid her to rest, you can say good-bye. She’ll hear you.”

  God, let that be true.

  He drew a long breath and spoke the words he was dreading. “Once I leave Bombay, I won’t be coming back.”

  She smiled sadly. “I know it.”

  His heart was good and shattered now. And the strangest fear overcame him. Like nothing would matter after he took care of Georgie. Not his land in Matlock, not fixing up that cottage, not even the damn curse. What would matter if there wasn’t anyone in the world who’d care for him? Or to care for—except Mina?

  And she’d be here in India, married to another man.

  “We don’t have much time left.” His words hurt, like they’d broken free of his chest and spilled from his lips.

  She pulled him to the bed and they sat down. He never had gotten another chair. “Do you want some tea, Minnie? I still have what you left.”

  He started to rise, but she put a hand on his lap. “I don’t want tea.”

  Her hand was so little. He covered it with his own, engulfing that elegant, white skin and slender fingers. Too damn big…

  He forced himself to look at her. It was getting harder to every hour. She was blushing like he’d not seen her blush in days, and he touched her cheek where she looked warmest. “What are you thinking, pretty? You aren’t getting shy on me?”

  Her lids lowered, hiding those brown eyes he loved. And her hand moved higher on his leg, which made him smile. Mina really didn’t know about flirting. She shouldn’t be touching a man there. He caught her fingers and kissed them, lowering them to his knee.

  “Seth?” She kept her eyes on their joined hands. “This is the worst time to ask.”

  He ducked his head to hear her whispering voice.

  “You might think me horrible to even suggest it. But this is our last day together. And I hoped we might…be together.” She lifted her face and scanned his eyes. “Do you understand what I’m asking? Seth? Were you listening?”

  So damn pretty. “I’m listening.” He smiled sadly. “You’re spending too much time with me. You’re talking in different directions now.”

  She inched close and pressed her face into his neck. Soft hair pillowed his jaw. Christ, he’d remember this, too—

  “I want to be with you,” she said.

  The hand he’d moved to touch her stopped in midair. He tipped her chin to search her eyes, but she clasped his neck and he couldn’t stop her from kissing him. He didn’t want to stop her but…

  Ah, Christ, she had the softest mouth for kissing, and her kiss was tugging at almost every part of his body. The muscles in his arms tightened, but he was careful not to touch her. Mina was the one doing all the touching.

  “Please, Seth,” she whispered in his ear, and now he was feeling that plea yank hard all through his body.

  She pressed closer to him, crawling over his lap, the firm mounds of her breasts straining against him. Those slender fingers threaded in his hair and gripped like she owned him. She’d never done that before and… Ah, her mouth was hot on his ear.

  No, she’d never done that before, either.

  “Wait,” he growled. He caught her slim body against him before the last, frayed thread of his control snapped, and pinned her arms so she couldn’t continue all she was doing. “Wait. What are you wanting, Minnie?”

  Her cheeks were flushed and her coral lips wet and plump, and he pinned her tighter—just so she wouldn’t go back to kissing him like that.

  No, that wasn’t accurate. Just so she wouldn’t move and take away the heaven of her breasts. Or stop looking at him the way she was looking now.

  He groaned, but remembered he wasn’t a damn ape. He could speak. If he could breathe first. “Minnie.” He was still groaning a little, but at least he was forming words. “Tell me what you’re wanting.”

  “I want you to make love to me.”

  His heart slammed against his ribs. Yes. Mina spoke plain.

  “I’m sorry, Seth. The timing is… But I care for you and feel you care for me—”

  “I do.”

  “—and I won’t feel the same way when I marry whomever I eventually marry—at least, I cannot imagine I will—and so I wanted, just once, before you leave”—she dragged in a breath—“to know what that’s like with you. With a man who cares.”

  His heart broke in his chest and he hid his eyes so she wouldn’t see what he was feeling. He didn’t know what he was feeling.

  “And I would be less afraid,” she said quietly.

  And that was all it took. “Minnie,” he groaned, kissing her with all the need and grief and desperation surging in his body. Christ, he’d give her anything she wanted, anything she asked. She needed him. And they were alive and together and they’d make love—

  His eyes snapped open.

  They’d make love. And Mina was small. As small as the other women he’d bedded.

  And he had hurt them.

  “Will you, Seth?” Mina sealed her lips to his again.

  But the hairs on the back of his neck prickled. If he went slow, if he was careful, it might turn out all right. And if it didn’t…

  He trampled the thought. “All right, Minnie.” He helped her to her feet, and that was disturbingly easy to do. No, she wasn’t heavy. There wasn’t much heft to her at all. “Why don’t you…uh, get undressed?”

  Her brown eyes sparkled with some new feeling. Excitement maybe. Or desire. It might be all right with her… God, let it be all right.

  She was unbuttoning her jacket and blouse, and paused to look at him with a question in her eyes. “Should I unplait my hair?”

  He’d never seen that. “Yes,” he blurted. “Please.” Why couldn’t he unbutton his coat?

  Hairpins were removed and he stopped fussing with his damn coat. She loosened her braid. Slim, white fingers peeked between all that glossy hair. And when it was free…

  “Ah…Minnie,” he groaned.

  Dark hair tumbled and waved and shimmered all down her slim shoulders. Could he just stand here forever? Just stand here and look at her?

  Her blouse was open, the white ribbon of her corset crisscrossing her small waist and tenderly lifting those breasts. And that skin…as smooth as a magnolia petal, and her chemise as thin as a skeleton flower in the rain.

  He wanted to look everywhere at once. And under all the worship, under all the awe, something male and hard was waking in him, demanding that body to be under his. He clamped down on the brute desire dizzying him like liquor. He had to be gentle.

  God, how long had it been since he’d coupled with a woman? And now it would be with Mina—the woman he would’ve chosen, the woman he wanted more than any other in the world.

  She took off her blouse and
he jerked back a step. Damn, he’d been right. He’d suspected she was well formed. Her bosom would stir a priest to sin. She was little, with the littlest waist, but those breasts would fill even his hands—

  A small panic lit in him. Touching her with all the lust he was feeling would be dangerous. She was smaller than Sofia. He wouldn’t please her; he didn’t know how. He had to do better, had to—

  “Seth, what’s wrong?” Mina held the ends of her stays together.

  He dragged his eyes up from the shadowy valley of her breasts to look into her face. She had that look on her face when she was waiting for him to catch up with the thought he was supposed to be having at that precise moment.

  He shook his head, pulled his lips into a smile, and tried the lie. “There’s nothing wrong, pretty.”

  She looked like she didn’t know what to do next. Which she likely didn’t. He moved closer and eased her fingers off the ribbons of her corset so he could loosen the stays. Her breasts rose with every slow breath. For a virgin, she was calmer than he was at present.

  “You’re being very quiet,” she said.

  “I’m grateful.”

  “What?”

  He looked at her. Had he spoken aloud? “I’m just… I’ve been learning what unwords me. You. Or gratitude. Maybe both. Probably both. I don’t think I’ve ever been more grateful than now.”

  Her beautiful brown eyes softened even more. And that muzzled him good and tight.

  He kneeled down, pulling the corset down past her hips and legs until she could step out of them. A slender ankle stretched up a slim, womanly calf, and her foot would fit in his hand—

  “It’s been two years,” he blurted from the ground at her feet. “And only twice.”

  “What was only—?”

  “Two women, one time each.”

  Her little toes curled into the carpet, like they were wincing at his confession. “Oh.”

  “I wouldn’t want you to think I was some sort of seducer, like a lady-killer or even all that talented.”