Then & Now

by Karen A. Leppert

  Another anniversary drew near. Seth had thought by now it wouldn’t be in the forefront of his mind. He couldn’t have been more wrong.

  His life had changed drastically, much faster, much more of everything. Money, beautiful people, cars, houses. Alcohol, drugs, sex—all kinds of abuses.

  It was easy to get caught up in the decadence, and even though he didn’t have much money, he went to a therapist—Rita Cooper. It felt wonderful to talk to someone who had no interest in his life, someone who offered an objective view. He told Rita everything—his darkest secrets, desires, and sins—without fearing judgment. Of course, Sarah came up a lot, that and his compulsion for alcohol and women.

  Sex was just that: sex. Alcohol had proved to be more difficult, but he had made progress in curbing his desire for booze though he failed often. One step forward, two steps back.

  Mom and Dad warned him not to let it get out of hand. They hadn’t pushed the issue, though. They had more important troubles on their minds. Pat was pregnant.

  Derrick and Pat had known last Christmas, but didn’t they tell their parents until Derrick came home for spring break. To Seth’s surprise, both sets of parents were supportive. Yes, they were disappointed and concerned for their children, but it was too late to lay blame; they would work things out together.

  If only Sarah’s parents hadn’t overreacted when we fell asleep in the hammock, we might be together today.

  Derrick and Pat would marry, but Pat would remain home until the baby was born. They had a small wedding, with Seth as best man, and honeymooned in Cancun, a present from Seth due to a high-paying modeling assignment.

  Johnny, Matt, and Kyle attended the wedding. Kyle and Katie were still together. Who would have guessed?

  Before Seth returned to LA, he and the boys held one last party down by the lake. Miranda, Katie, and Diane came too. Only one person was missing. A deep void threatened to swallow Seth up as memories of Sarah overwhelmed him. They all sensed it, but no one talked about it except Johnny.

  “So, LA, huh.” Johnny punched him in the arm.

  Seth smiled. “Yeah, LA.” He and Johnny sat on one of the floating piers. “It’s crazy, man. You’ll have to visit.”

  “Maybe during winter break.”

  “We should definitely plan on that. Remember to mention it to Kyle and Matt.”

  “Will do.” Johnny smiled and lay back on the pier, soaking up the sun. “We miss you, Seth. It’s not the same around here. First Sarah, then you.” He stopped. “Sorry.”

  Seth swallowed hard and asked, “Do you ever talk to her?”

  Johnny nodded. “I called her last Christmas. My mom…you know she’s friends with Sarah’s mother…said the family sort of fell apart when Sarah left. My mom suggested I get in touch with Sarah to assure her we’re still her friends. I hope you’re not angry with me.”

  Seth ran his hands through his hair. “No, it’s cool.”

  “Do you want to talk about it?” Johnny asked.

  Seth nodded.

  “What do you want to know?”

  “Everything.”

  “Sarah’s never confided in me about the baby.”

  “What else?”

  “She’s going to night school and works as a teacher’s aide.”

  “What about the boyfriend? Is she still with him?”

  “Caleb. He’s in med school, so they don’t see much of each other.”

  His ego took a hit at that bit of information. “Does Sarah ever mention me?”

  “Never. I don’t think she will, with me anyway.” Johnny paused. “Do you want me to mention you to her?”

  Seth didn’t have the answer. “I don’t know.”

  Johnny seemed to understand. “I don’t know about you, but I could sure use a beer.”

  “Amen to that. Let’s go.” They swam back to the others and spent the rest of the evening partying.

  Derrick Paul Mathis Jr. was born on August 18. Seth flew in for the birth. A bittersweet feeling overwhelmed him. While he loved his new nephew, who they nicknamed DJ, it reminded him of what could have been for him and Sarah. Even though Derrick and Pat would struggle, they were together. Seth thought it was worth it.

  Pat, Derrick, and DJ joined Seth in LA a month later. The small, crowded house they lived in wasn’t conducive to having a new wife and baby, so Seth searched for a home they could afford, which wasn’t much. Nancy had sent him on an audition for a new role in a cable series. It looked promising, but he wouldn’t be in every episode. Hence, not much money.

  To supplement his income, Seth took a job at Jiffy Lube. They hired out-of-work actors and worked his schedule around auditions. He guaranteed them twenty hours a week.

  His search for a house ended when he found a small, three-bedroom bungalow in a decent part of town. Derrick and Pat were thrilled and grateful. Derrick would get a job with more hours right after football season, and Pat started the process of getting her daycare license.

  They were making it work. Seth loved living with them and spending time with the new baby. Life was good—not great, but good.

  The holidays were busy; Derrick and Pat went home for Thanksgiving and Christmas, driving instead of flying to save money. Seth couldn’t go home because he had gotten that part in the cable series and signed for four episodes, playing the part of a hunky low-class rebel who had just moved to town. Not much of a stretch.

  It was now New Year’s Eve, and Seth headed for a party at Nancy’s with Derrick and Pat. They partied until the clock struck twelve, with everyone grabbing someone for a New Year’s kiss. Seth snuck outside to avoid the obligatory “spit swapping.” The brisk night reminded him of home. His cell rang; Johnny, Matt, and Kyle were celebrating too and had called to send their good wishes. He missed them so much.

  Just when he hung up, someone tapped his shoulder. He turned to find Stephanie peering up at him.

  What the hell. He kissed her.

  “I know you can do better than that.”

  Stephanie led him to the pool house, where they had sex. It was the same as always, fast and satisfying. No complaints from Stephanie.

  Driving home, Derrick and Pat reminisced over the New Year’s Eve parties they had celebrated at her house. Seth remembered the one spent with Sarah with fondness and longing. They’d had a beautiful moment for a change, not hampered by their conflicting feelings of lust and denial. Just the two of them kissing, nothing more, content in each other’s arms. No frustrations and no guilt. A far cry from fucking Stephanie in the pool’s utility shed.

  SARAH

  A new year filled with possibilities. That’s how Sarah chose to see it. She and Caleb were at a party with his relatives.

  Sarah found an empty bedroom, went in, locked the door, and lay on the bed. Assessing the past year as a success or failure proved difficult. She felt indifferent to it. There had been many surprises, however.

  First, Seth had landed commercials and modeling jobs. More impressively, he had a role on a cable TV show. Sarah had seen one of the advertisements in a magazine. Seth had looked incredibly handsome, lying in the arms of an attractive woman.

  Seeing him brought the pain back. He looked better than ever, and the camera loved him. To think she had once kissed those lips, touched his body. If only she had touched more of him. How she regretted not making love with him. She felt sure Seth was having all kinds of wild sex now.

  Sarah pushed herself even further by remembering that night at the stables. She saw Seth with that woman, her hands where Sarah’s had never gone. It caused her pain yet also made her angry. She would take the anger any day. It had become her weapon against the other feelings that hurt more.

  Pushing those thoughts aside, she reflected on something positive. Johnny had contacted her, and they had resumed their friendship. No questions asked, thank God. He never spoke of Seth, and she never asked.

  Just before midnight, Sarah went downstairs to find Caleb.

  “I thought I was going to
have to kiss old Mrs. Caldwell.” He laughed nervously. Their relationship had been bumpy.

  “I came to find you.” She smiled up at him, and they turned to watch Times Square on the television. When the ball dropped, they exchanged a kiss and danced, but Caleb seemed exceptionally quiet. Until the ride home.

  “Sarah, we have to talk.” He sighed. “I can’t see you anymore, not like this anyway. I’ve waited and waited for you, but you’re never going to feel the same about me.”

  “Caleb, I tried. Really, I did.”

  “You shouldn’t have to try. I can’t compete with him…lurking around us like a ghost…haunting us.”

  “It’s true. I know it’s over with Seth, but I can’t move on. It scares me, Caleb, the thought of being alone, of not getting married and having a family.”

  His hand found hers in the darkness. “You have to believe it will happen—it’s just not with me, that’s all.”

  “I’m so sorry. Please tell me we’ll still be friends. I couldn’t stand not having you in my life.”

  “Of course we’ll always be friends. I plan to dance at your wedding, to come to your children’s birthday parties, and I want you to be there for mine.”

  “Wouldn’t that be lovely? I wish we could be there right now. Happily married, watching our children play soccer, having cookouts together…to skip this uncertainty and get to the ‘happily ever after’ part.”

  “It can’t be that easy, Sarah. If we didn’t struggle, if we didn’t have sorrow and doubt in our lives, we wouldn’t know how awesome the good things are…to treasure them, to hold on to them tightly and never let them go.”

  “I’ll try to keep that in mind. I need something to get me through.”

  They had reached her house. Caleb kissed her good-night, a gentle, friendly kiss on the forehead, and hesitated for a moment, lingering over regret and longing for what could have been…for both of them.

  FOUR YEARS

  SETH

  The past year had been one of the best and worst of Seth’s life. The best because he had landed a part in a hit movie and the worst because Dad had passed away.

  Everything had looked so promising last January. His role as Gage Everett on Rodeo Drive had been extended for the remainder of the season. Seth’s life mimicked Gage’s so filming proved easy, except for the sex scenes.

  “Did you ever notice how everyone shows up the day a nude scene’s shot?” Seth and his costar, Adriane Malone, were waiting to shoot a shower scene.

  Adriane clung to her bathrobe. “Yeah, I think that’s my dry cleaner over there.”

  “You know, they’re mainly here to see you.” He grinned.

  “I don’t know about that. The entire wardrobe department and most of the hair stylists are gay. You’re their main attraction, not me.”

  Seth winced and tightened the towel around his waist. The scene took the entire day to film, with cameras practically inches from their faces and other body parts, lights glaring down on them, and the director instructing them on every move they made. “Don’t turn your head so much. Arch your back. Make sure we can see your tongues. Grab her ass. Grab his ass. Moan. Groan. Kiss. Kiss harder. Now climax.” All while standing naked with water running down them and everyone watching.

  Seth laughed to himself. Ironically, it amounted to ten minutes of screen time. He could have real sex, many times, and still enjoy dinner and a movie in the time it took to film this one scene.

  People, his friends in particular, thought it looked erotic and couldn’t be convinced otherwise. Seth had given up trying but understood their skepticism. By the time the editor did his magic, their voices dubbed in and seductive music added, it looked quite provocative. The reality didn’t fit the outcome. That’s what show business was about—making things look better than reality.

  Spring brought more good news. He landed the secondary lead in an action/thriller that would start filming in early summer. With this jolt to his income, he gambled and purchased a Mediterranean-style home with four bedrooms, five bathrooms, and a pool. Derrick and Pat moved in with him until they could get a place of their own.

  With the new house came visitors. Johnny, Kyle, and Matt had come to LA during their winter break from college. Pat invited Kathy and Molly later that spring, much to Derrick’s chagrin. They kept mainly to themselves, but by the end of the week, Seth felt comfortable enough to host a barbecue before they headed home.

  Seth manned the grill while Derrick stayed inside with Seth’s attorney-turned-friend, Jeff Edwards, watching the baseball game.

  “So, how’s the game going?” Seth asked when Jeff joined him at the grill.

  “We’re getting blown away. Tell me something.” Jeff motioned toward the three women. “Who’s the pretty one with the hazel eyes?”

  “Kathy. Would you like an introduction?”

  Jeff winked. “Well, let’s not make it too obvious.”

  Seth yelled in their direction. “Kathy, Molly, have you met Jeff?”

  “No.” They came over and shook hands.

  Jeff looked at Kathy. “Seth tells me you come from the same town?”

  Kathy nodded. Molly huffed.

  “So, Kathy, do you like small-town life or could you move to the big city?”

  “I like where I live, but I’m not there much. I just graduated college and was away most of the time home for holidays and summers.”

  “Congratulations.” He looked disappointed, and Seth knew why. Kathy looked and acted older than twenty-two. Jeff was approaching thirty. “What was your major?”

  “Communications. I’m an unemployed college graduate.”

  “Would you entertain the idea of moving for a job opportunity?”

  Kathy shrugged. “If the right job came along.”

  “You should send me your resume. Why don’t we go inside, and I’ll get your email address and phone number.”

  “Okay.”

  They spent the rest of the afternoon together.

  Another couple in the making.

  All in all the weekend had gone well, with only a few uncomfortable moments. Whenever Seth’s memories had threatened to surface, he’d pushed the good moments aside and remembered the pain. He knew it was just a way to cope, but as long as it didn’t cause him pain—the pain of heartache, that is—he didn’t care.

  Heartache. The word Seth often used when thinking of Sarah now pertained to his father too.

  Seth had received an urgent call from Derrick while shooting a movie on location. “Seth, it’s me.” Derrick sobbed. “Dad was killed in a car accident early this morning.”

  The room tilted.

  “Seth, are you there? Seth?”

  Jill took the call for him and then booked the first available flight home.

  Home. It would never be the same again. His life would never be the same. He would have to deal with yet another loss. Sarah, the love of his life, and now the man who had given him life.

  Johnny picked him up at the airport and updated Seth so he wouldn’t have to bother his mother with the details. Dad had gone to get donuts for Mom and Keith when a tractor-trailer crossed the double line and hit him head-on, killing him instantly.

  Seeing Mom broke his heart. She sat in Dad’s chair, rocking back and forth and staring into nothingness.

  Mustering every ounce of strength possible, he knelt by her side. “I love you, Mom. I’m here for you.”

  She nodded to acknowledge his presence and returned his embrace with a desperate one of her own.

  They went to the funeral home the following morning to make arrangements and then to the florist to order flowers. Time kept moving. Seth wanted everything and everyone to stop what they were doing and wait…wait for him to catch up…to what, he didn’t know. He felt frozen in a never-ending sorrow with everything and everyone around him moving at a high speed.

  Derrick was a pillar of strength, and Keith was quiet and introspective. Johnny, Kyle, and Matt were there for every awful minute. Kati
e, Miranda, and Diane sat with his mother and helped watch DJ.

  Mrs. Holcomb came to pay her respects.

  “I guess I can’t talk myself out of this mess, huh?” He smiled weakly, feeling like that seventeen-year-old boy again.

  “I’m afraid not, but you’re strong and a survivor. You’ll carry on and make your father proud. You already have.”

  “I hope so.”

  Seth hugged her one more time before excusing himself. It was just too hard. Mrs. Holcomb had believed in him. She had shown him empathy without pity. She had gone out of her way to check on him when Sarah left yet had never judged him or Sarah as so many others had.

  Sarah. He doubted she would show, but he looked for her just the same. Her family came. Seth sat with Mom when Sarah’s parents arrived.

  Mrs. Matthews hugged Mom. “We’re so sorry.”

  Mr. Matthews shook Seth’s hand. “Your father was a special man, Seth. You must be proud to be his son.”

  Seth glanced at his father lying in the casket. “Yes sir, I am.”

  Kathy and Molly came too.

  “Kathy, you don’t have to stay with me,” Seth prompted, though his grip on her hand remained tight.

  “Yes, I do. I have to make sure you’re okay…as okay as you can possibly be right now.”

  “That means a lot to me. I consider you a good friend.” You would have made a wonderful sister-in-law. He excused himself, but Kathy followed him anyway. They sat in the parking lot for a long time, looking up at the stars.

  “How could the night be so beautiful without my father in it?” Seth asked through fresh tears.

  “Maybe it’s your father’s gift to you.”

  “That’s a beautiful thought.” He looked into her hazel eyes and kissed her forehead.

  “Sarah would be proud of you tonight.”

  “I hope so.”

  Everyone gathered the next morning to say their last goodbyes before going to the church. Derrick and Pat went to the casket first. DJ squirmed in Pat’s arms, crying and protesting. They said a quick prayer and stepped aside for Seth and Keith to take their place. Seth knelt before the casket, taking in every pore of his father’s face, the veins in his hands, the dimple in his chin.