Then & Now

by Karen A. Leppert

  Mom followed, flanked by her family for support. She didn’t stay long and rose to take her grandson in her arms.

  “Where did you get that?” she asked while examining a toy tractor-trailer, much like the one Dad drove.

  “It was in the casket with this bouquet of lilies and a card,” Derrick answered. “That’s why he pitched a fit before.”

  “Let him have it, Derrick.” Mom lifted the bouquet of lilies and the card out of the casket and held them against her chest.

  The funeral was beautiful, if that was possible. Seth wept through the entire ceremony and continued at the gravesite. When Reverend Newell offered the final prayer, Seth canvassed the graveyard, hoping Sarah might be standing back and away from his family. He did not see her.

  They welcomed everyone back to the house afterward. When everyone left, he snuck away to the lake.

  “Sarah, why aren’t you here to comfort me, to hold my hand? I need you…I want you…still.” He banged his fists against the dashboard and wept.

  Seth eventually exhausted himself and returned home. He knocked on the door to his parents’ bedroom; Mom called him to come in. He took her up in his arms and stroked her hair, exactly as she had done for him when he’d learned of Sarah’s pregnancy.

  Leaving Mom and Keith proved to be one of the hardest things he’d ever had to do. It reminded him of the day he’d left Sarah in the middle of the street.

  Too many painful goodbyes.

  SARAH

  Johnny had visited Sarah last January.

  They lay on her bed, watching TV, nothing more than two friends sharing private time together. They decided to have a “movie night” and set her bedroom up like a private theater, popped popcorn, and settled in to watch a horror movie. They didn’t dare watch anything too sappy; their emotions had been a bit on edge all week.

  Johnny looked into her eyes. “Why didn’t you call or write?”

  She closed her eyes and frowned. “I needed a clean break.”

  They remained silent for a long time. Sarah had been good all week and hadn’t asked about Seth. In fact, she had never asked Johnny about him.

  “How was LA?” The question sounded vague enough, Sarah thought.

  Johnny chuckled. “Like another world. A fantasy world. You should visit Pat sometime.”

  “That’s a bad idea.”

  “Why? Pat would love to see you, and you’ve never seen DJ.”

  “I would love to see both of them too, but it’s impossible and you know it.”

  “No, I don’t. I’d go with you. We could visit during football season when Derrick has an away game.”

  Sarah gave him a wayward glance. “Derrick wouldn’t be the only one I’d have to avoid.”

  “Seth’s out of town a lot too.”

  “I would like to see Pat and DJ. Maybe someday.”

  Johnny left a few days later, promising to return or accompany her on a trip to visit Pat and DJ. Sarah never saw herself in LA, and went home instead, though not to visit Johnny. She went to pay her respects to Mr. Mathis.

  The manager of the funeral home had agreed to let Sarah in after hours. Well, he hadn’t actually agreed; Mr. Pendleton didn’t have a choice. Sarah had traded him a secret for a secret. She would secretly pay her respects to Mr. Mathis, and Sarah wouldn’t tell Mr. Pendleton’s wife her husband had spent time and money on a whore at the stables four years earlier.

  He met Sarah at the door and led her to a dimly lit viewing room. Sarah knelt before Mr. Mathis and placed a toy tractor-trailer in the casket along with a bouquet of fresh lilies.

  “Lilies for your Lily. Mr. Mathis, it’s me, Sarah Matthews.” She sobbed and bowed her head in shame. “I guess you know I was never pregnant, that I let the lie live to hurt your son. I hope you can forgive me. I always liked you…your warm spirit…your gentle heart. Rest in peace.”

  Afterward, against her better judgment, she drove through town, passing her parents’ store, the high school, and the lake.

  She drove to the Mathis house last. The lights were on, but Sarah didn’t see anyone inside. Every muscle in her body pushed her to run up to the porch and knock on the door. She closed her eyes and envisioned the kitchen where she and Seth had eaten pumpkin pie at Thanksgiving, the living room where they’d watched football games, and the bathroom where she’d changed from her egg-slimed shirt into one of Seth’s.

  Sarah fought her temptations, but lost the battle when the house went dark. Her hand grasped the door handle and pulled. It swung open, inviting her into the night…into the street…up the walk and to the back of the house.

  It was still there, worn and weathered from years of being out in the elements. Sarah lay in the hammock and remembered falling asleep in Seth’s arms, her head resting against his bare chest, listening to his heart beating. She prayed he would come out of the house and find her. He didn’t.

  I guess God said no.

  She left before dawn, blowing a kiss at the window of Seth’s bedroom, hoping it would find its way to him and give him peace.

  FIVE YEARS

  SETH

  “What is it already?” Seth asked.

  Johnny had been itching to tell Seth something ever since he had picked him up from the airport.

  “Guess who I ran into?”

  “Who?”

  Johnny cocked his eyebrows. “Molly Matthews.”

  Seth shook his head. “She’s a baby.”

  “She’s nineteen. I haven’t asked her out or anything. We’re just talking.”

  “That’s how it starts. Before you know it she’ll have your balls in a vise and is squeezing hard.”

  Johnny winced and clamped his legs together.

  Seth didn’t relent. “Take my advice. Find a girl who uses her mouth for more useful things. Forget talking. It’s overrated.”

  “Don’t you ever wonder what you’re missing out on?”

  “Pain and heartache.”

  “Damn! Is this still about Sarah?”

  Seth didn’t reply.

  “She burned you good. You’re still smoldering.”

  “Let that be a warning to you.”

  “Don’t you remember the good times?”

  He scowled. “There were good times?”

  “I’m sorry you feel that way.” Johnny paused. “But, hey, look at you now. Good old LA.”

  “Yeah.” Seth looked at the women walking down the street, shopping bags in hand. “Do you know what LA stands for?”

  “No, what?”

  Seth grinned. “Lots of ass.”

  With his father’s death, Seth had given up on finding someone special in his life. Why should he want that anyway? Seeing the pain Mom endured had only confirmed what he already knew. Love hurts.

  Mom had lectured him on the phone one evening. “’Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. That was from Alfred Tennyson. Isn’t it beautiful? And so true.”

  “If you say so, Mom.” Seth changed the subject. “How’s Derrick?”

  “He’s one miserable cuss.”

  Seth worried for his brother, who’d suffered a knee injury that had required surgery and ended his football career. Some good news had come his way, though. The college had offered him an assistant coaching position, which he’d accepted without hesitation.

  “If I can’t play, coaching would be nice,” he’d said with resolve in his voice.

  Mom had come to help during Derrick’s recovery. Seth loved having her there and tried to convince her to move to LA, but she refused.

  Kathy and Molly visited too, though not to see Pat. Kathy and Jeff had been corresponding, and she had come to spend a couple of weeks with him. Jeff had set up interviews for her; it looked like they were serious. Molly had graduated from high school and took the time in LA to tour a design school.

  If Kathy and Molly’s relationship had seemed strained the last time they visited, things seemed even worse. Their cold war came to a head one afternoon when Se
th agreed to take care of Derrick and DJ while the girls went shopping. They were gone most of the day and came home in a foul mood.

  Seth found Kathy in the kitchen. She looked shaken. “Are you okay?”

  “Yes.” She grabbed a paper towel from the counter and wiped tears from her face. “Molly’s like Derrick. She can’t let go of her anger and holds a grudge. Sarah’s tried to talk to her, but Molly’s made up her mind. I guess I can’t blame her really. Molly fought Sarah’s battles and grew to resent her. You know, she idolized Sarah and had a huge crush on you. Molly couldn’t believe Sarah would do anything to jeopardize what you two had. She kept begging Sarah to come home to prove the rumors were false, but Sarah refused. It was a bit selfish.”

  Or maybe they were true.

  Kathy seemed to read his mind. “I can’t help but wonder if Sarah had more support, things could have been different.” She looked out the window. “Pat and Derrick made it work.”

  “They were lucky,” he said.

  Kathy looked at him with grateful eyes. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t go on like this. This is your house. We were having a good time and I’m ruining it. Maybe I should call Jeff and have him come get me.”

  “Don’t be ridiculous. I’m glad you’re here.”

  “Thanks, Seth.”

  “How is she?” he blurted before he had time to think. As much as he resented Sarah, there were moments when he let his guard down. This was one of them.

  “Good.” Kathy pulled out her phone and scrolled through her pictures. “Sarah sent this to me.”

  Seth grabbed the phone from her hand and sat at the kitchen table. Kathy joined him.

  “That’s her dog, Newton. He goes everywhere with her, even to the elementary school where Sarah works. He’s become their mascot.”

  “She looks happy.” He handed the phone back to Kathy.

  His head ached; so did his heart.

  SARAH

  Kathy and Molly spent a stressful week with Sarah and Aunt CeCe. Sarah knew her relationship with Molly needed mending and hoped time together might repair some of the damage. Not so, and she had no one to blame but herself.

  She longed for the sister who sat on the bed while she got ready for a date with Seth, Molly’s eyes filled with admiration. And why not. Back then, Sarah’s life had been planned out, and it seemed to be moving along swimmingly. She was on the honor roll, a competitive soccer player, and Seth’s girlfriend. She would go to college, become a teacher, get married, and have kids. The white picket fence and all the other clichés applied. She could see it…was sure it would happen. How could it not?

  But when, for the first time, her bubble had burst and Seth had broken her heart, she had dropped her life and run to another one. If only she had dug deep and persevered at home, she might not have lost so much. Her sister, her friends, her senior year at her old school, holidays. The list went on and on.

  Molly wouldn’t have suffered. Mom and Dad too. If only I could have seen past the next week, the next month—even the next year—and known time would heal my broken heart. If only…

  All she could do now was pick up the pieces and continue to try to mend her relationship with Molly. At least she had Kathy, but that relationship was about to change too. Kathy planned to move to LA to be with Jeff.

  Molly had some news as well. She had received a scholarship from the School of Design in Los Angeles and was moving in with Jeff and Kathy to save on living expenses. Even Johnny planned to move when he passed his CPA exam.

  “It looks like you’re going to have to come to LA after all,” Kathy prompted.

  Over my dead body. “We’ll see.” She didn’t have the heart to say no.

  So many changes. Sarah yearned to change her life, which had no direction. Everyone knew just what they wanted to do with their lives. Sarah didn’t have a clue. She made it her New Year’s resolution to decide on a course of action and stick with it. Since happiness hadn’t come to her, she would look for it no matter where it led.

  SIX YEARS

  SARAH

  The heavens opened when the plane touched down. In fact, the entire flight experienced turbulence. Sarah took it as an omen; she shouldn’t have agreed to visit Kathy, Jeff, and Molly. Thank God Aunt CeCe had come along for moral support.

  The decision to visit LA hadn’t come easily. Kathy and Jeff had applied pressure, and Pat had continually dangled a carrot in Sarah’s face: DJ.

  They had picked a date when Derrick would be traveling out of town for a game, and Seth had left for a vacation in the Caribbean. Their absence eased her mind. If Sarah could just keep Molly relatively happy, she might enjoy herself.

  They made the most of their time. Kathy took them to the famous tourist sites and lunch at Spagos, where they ran into Adriane Malone, Seth’s costar on Rodeo Drive. Adriane gave Sarah the once-over and seemed unimpressed. Sarah felt small and average.

  The time she spent with Pat and DJ more than made up for the awkward moment. The first time Sarah laid eyes on the little boy, she cried. DJ’s smile reminded her of Seth’s.

  Her experience with preschoolers paid off big time. She and DJ danced to his favorite music, blew bubbles in the backyard, and read books.

  Sarah made it a priority to spend time with Jeff. He had freed his weekend to spend as much time with them as possible, though his cell phone constantly rang.

  “Doesn’t that drive you crazy?” she asked.

  “I actually love it.” Jeff smiled warmly and sipped coffee, his third of the morning. “Kathy’s understanding, most of the time.”

  “You do turn it off sometimes…”

  “Oh, yeah. I have my priorities straight.”

  “I’m glad to hear that.”

  “So, not to change the subject, but Kathy tells me you’re working and going to school.”

  Sarah sighed. “Yes. Getting my degree is taking forever, but I’ll get there.”

  “Why aren’t you a full-time student?”

  “Money. I’m a teacher’s aide. I love it and would like to get my degree in Education.”

  “I could help.”

  “N-no, thanks anyway,” she said, moved by his generosity. “I prefer to do this on my own.”

  Jeff smiled. “Your parents paid for Kathy’s college and, from what I understand, they’re paying the remainder of Molly’s tuition too.”

  “I know. I’m sure if I asked they’d help, but I’ve put them through enough, and I’m just getting my life together.”

  “You could move here.”

  “Absolutely not! You know the special arrangements that had to be made for this visit. I can’t imagine what it would be like if I moved here.”

  Jeff scowled. “I’m aware of your situation. I wasn’t there to witness this scandal, but it couldn’t have been as bad as everyone makes it out to be. As a matter of fact, everyone’s forgotten it, except for Molly and Derrick. Why do you let them, especially Molly, get away with treating you so badly?”

  “It’s my penance. Don’t you see? I’m doing time for the crime. I can only hope to be paroled someday.”

  “I get your point, but I still don’t understand why and how this has gone on for so long. Everyone else has gotten on with their lives. Isn’t it time you do the same?”

  “I am. It’s just taking me a little longer, that’s all.”

  “You know, Kathy and I plan to start a family shortly after the wedding. Wouldn’t you love to be able to see your niece or nephew all the time instead of just during the holidays?”

  “You’re good, Jeff,” Sarah conceded.

  “Yes, I am. In fact, I’m so good I’ve scheduled several college tours while you’re here. And I’ve told Kathy my plans. She’s excited at the prospect of your moving here.”

  “That’s unfair.”

  “Yes, it is,” he stated proudly. “This could work, Sarah.”

  “You’re still forgetting Derrick and Seth.”

  “When would you see them? You and Seth won’t
travel in the same social circles, and I’m sure you could avoid running into Derrick. I didn’t set up a tour of UCLA because of him. This could be worked out if you want it bad enough.”

  Sarah wanted to believe Jeff but knew his being an attorney helped in making a good case. Still, moving to LA and, more importantly, going to college full-time?

  Jeff pressed, “Go on the tours and then we’ll see.”

  Kathy and Aunt CeCe accompanied Sarah on the college tours, and she did find one, Mount St. Mary’s College, that seemed a good fit.

  Aunt CeCe encouraged her. “Jeff’s right. You need to go after your dreams. You’ve put them on the back burner too long.”

  “How would I have survived without you?”

  “You would have. You’re strong, Sarah. Go find your happiness, and don’t let anyone or anything stop you.”

  SETH

  Seth progressed in therapy and rewarded himself with a vacation in the Caribbean with Johnny. They lay low and Seth rested, limited his drinking, and stayed clear of women.

  The women part came easy. Johnny and Molly were in a committed relationship, and Seth had no interest in hooking up. Who would have believed it! He had hit his limit when it came to women. Except for one. Sarah. She continued to haunt him, even on an isolated island.

  “Who was that?” Johnny asked when Seth hung up his cell.

  Seth sighed. “Adriane Malone. You’re never going to guess who she ran into at Spagos.”

  “Oh, I bet I can.” Johnny smiled nervously. “Sarah.”

  “How’d you know?”

  “Sarah’s visiting Kathy. I talked to her before she left.”

  “Really?” His stomach twisted in a tight knot.

  “What did Adriane have to say?”

  “Just that Sarah didn’t know we worked together.”

  “That doesn’t surprise me. Sarah makes it a point to avoid any of the shows you’re in and hasn’t seen any of your movies.”

  “Why’s that?”

  “You have to ask? It’s hard to see your picture in the tabloids and read of your exploits. How would you feel if Sarah’s comings and goings were plastered everywhere?”