Between Darkness & Light

by Theresa Van Spankeren

  What would I do if he said it was impossible to trust me again? What would it do to the ka-tet? The telepathic links still seemed strong to me, but how could that continue if a ka-tet member distrusted another so much? I couldn’t possibly stay if that was the case. If I left, would Matthew leave with me? He has sided with me over most things the last few months, but if the ka-tet truly fractured, would he leave the others? Or would he leave me to fend for myself?

  I rubbed my temples wearily and wondered if I should have left with Lane last night. If I had to leave my group, maybe I could catch up with him in Ireland. If I could find him and someone hadn’t turned him on me as well. Maybe Kali would join me if I went there.

  Someone touched my shoulder, startling me. I looked up as Samuel sat down beside me. The swelling along his head and eye had almost completely disappeared. I watched him warily. The fact that he followed me out here could be good or bad, but at least I would have my answer.

  I waited for him to speak. Finally he did. “I know you probably only returned to the villa because of Kali and Stephen, but thank you.”

  I sighed and replied, “It wasn’t just because of them. My ka-tet was in danger. I had to try to help.”

  Faint surprise registered in his eyes. “Matthew told us you had a vision. I assumed it had been Kali being stabbed.”

  “Yes, I guess that erratic ability was finally good for something. That wasn’t a part of it, though. I saw what happened right before it.”

  Samuel nodded and another long silence ensued. I was about to break it when he gently picked up my right arm and pulled up the sleeve. I stared straight ahead as I felt him trace the newest scar. “I had no idea you were doing this.”

  “It was not something I wanted to be widely known,” I replied, without looking at him.

  “How long have you been cutting, Julia?”

  “A few years,” I replied. “I had wood hidden in my room in Florence solely for that.”

  “Matthew’s known about this, hasn’t he? That’s part of why he changed his mind.”

  I nodded. “He’s known since we ran into the Hunters on the way to Rome. It’s what sparked our conversation.”

  Samuel sighed and said, “I’m sorry I drove you to this. I never intended for either of us to be hurt like this.” I remained silent, unsure what to say. He studied me a moment. “You fought very well against Gregory, Julia. Don’t you feel better knowing it was you yourself who killed him?”

  I looked away and shrugged. “It doesn’t change anything. I was still too late.”

  Samuel shook his head. “No, you saved Kali’s life. Perhaps even more importantly, you fought him and won, Julia.”

  I said nothing and continued staring at the countryside. Samuel picked up my hand again and squeezed it. “Julia, look at me.”

  I slowly turned to look at him. “What?”

  “You have proven yourself stronger. It’s over.”

  “Is it really, or is he going to find a way to hurt me again? Even if it is, it’s still sixty years too late,” I replied. “When I needed to be stronger than him I wasn’t. I couldn’t help myself or save my child.”

  “We’ve talked about that, Julia. You cannot go back and change it. You’ve done what you could. You’ve saved another child’s life; you’ve avenged your daughter’s murder and your pain.”

  “But is it enough?” I whispered, mostly to myself.

  “Enough for what?” he asked gently.

  “To earn my daughter’s forgiveness?” I replied. I stared at him a moment. “And is it enough to earn yours, Samuel?”

  He dropped his hand and looked up at the sky, again silent.

  “Samuel, I’m tired. I simply do not have anything left to fight with. I meant what I said at Villa Medici. If you cannot trust me, I need to know now so I can leave. If you do not want me here, I do not want to stay because I don’t want to fight with you any longer.” I closed my eyes so he couldn’t see my tears.

  “I believe I should be the one asking your forgiveness.” My eyes flew open in surprise. “I believed Sandro over you. I didn’t trust you, and as a result I put the entire ka-tet in jeopardy.” He shook his head and sighed. “Christina was right. I haven’t attended any meetings in almost two years. I don’t know what’s going on in my own movement. My judgement is compromised.”

  My mind flashed back to my conversation with Lane and Matthew last night in which I had gathered intelligence and made recommendations without anyone challenging it. Samuel had only intervened at the end to offer Lane help if he needed it. “I really was talking for the group last night, wasn’t I?” I whispered.

  Samuel nodded. “I hardly felt I was qualified to do so. Lane had been waiting to talk to you, Julia. The three of you dealt with the Hunters the most. It only made sense to defer to your suggestions.”

  I stared at him, taken aback by his confession. “Diego would say I’m completely inexperienced.”

  “He would also say that was my fault for keeping you uninformed.”

  “How would you have kept me informed if you didn’t even know what was going on?” I asked with a small smile.

  “And that would be his main complaint, that I have been an ineffective leader recently.” He stared down at his hands. “Julia, I don’t want you to leave, but I understand if you want to. I failed you and for that I’m sorry.”

  “You want me to stay? Does that mean you have forgiven me?”

  “Yes. If I had listened to you a few years ago, this disaster could have been avoided. I hope you can forgive me as well.”

  I nodded, then said, “Samuel, thank you for lending your power when we were attacked outside of Villa Medici.”

  “That was nothing considering you wouldn’t have been there if I hadn’t been such an idiot.”

  “I was desperate. Gregory had been in my mind. He had gotten past my defenses and I wasn’t strong enough to force him out alone. Matthew had very little to give. I had been afraid you wouldn’t help and . . .” I trailed off, remembering. “I only wished you had said something like the other two did.”

  “I didn’t think you would have wanted to hear my voice then so I stayed quiet.”

  “It was all I wanted to hear,” I whispered as sobs overtook me.

  “I’m sorry Sunshine,” Samuel murmured as he pulled me against him.

  ***

  I surveyed my surroundings with a slight frown. There were the beautiful rose bushes, their flowers closing as the sun slipped from the sky. I stood on the familiar path lined with them, but a smaller path leading down to a pond was something new. Trees and more rose bushes dotted the shoreline around it, as the surface of the water glowed with the last blush of sunset.

  “Never remember this being here before,” I murmured. With a shrug, I headed in its direction. The landscape of the in-between was a mystery to me. At least there wasn’t a storm raging this time.

  The last of the light had faded by the time I knelt at the water’s edge. I remembered Marie’s delight when I would take her to my favorite place in the gardens of the mansion, a small pool surrounded by roses and other flowers. I used to sit on a bench across from it. “Marie, even after all these years I still miss you terribly. I just want you to know that I have done what little I could to avenge your death. I love you so much! I hope sometime you will be able to forgive me for not being able to save you.”

  I blinked tears away and stood. The water’s surface shone silver now in the reflection of the rising moon. As I gazed at the beauty surrounding me, I realized it reminded me of a larger version of the place I used to take my daughter. I turned to see the woman in white standing behind me. “How? Why?” I whispered.

  A gentle breeze lifted a few locks of May’s midnight hair. “I knew it would make you happy.” The faintest white aura surrounded her as she joined me at the edge.

  I looked at her in amazement. We were close enough to the pond for our reflections to be seen in the water but I wasn’t surprised to see mine
was the only one cast. I stared into the water, then back at her. “Are you an angel?”

  “No, I am not.” Her beautiful eyes sparkled like water in sunlight. “You did it, Julia. You’re finally free of him.”

  “Am I really free, or is he going to come back in another twenty years to haunt me?” I couldn’t help the slight tinge of bitterness in my voice.

  “You do not have to worry about him anymore. He’s forfeited his right to another life and any contact with the living world.”

  “Good,” I replied, allowing myself to feel a measure of relief.

  “Yet you are still troubled. Why?”

  “I cannot help but feel that I’ve done too little too late. I fear my daughter resents me for being able to save Kali and not her.”

  May looked surprised. “Is that how you truly feel?”

  “I’m devastated that I have not been able to contact her. I’m furious that Gregory could torment me for all these years from beyond the grave but I am not able to see her!”

  “But what if she hates you as you seem to believe she does? Would you still want to see her?”

  “Yes!” I replied. “She is my daughter. Even if she damns me to hell, I still want the chance to tell her I’ll always love her no matter how she feels about me. I would apologize for not being strong enough to protect her.”

  May shook her head. “Julia, Julia . . . do you truly think your daughter hates you that much?”

  I nodded bleakly and stared at the water. “I have given her no reason to love me.”

  “That is not true and you know it,” she answered sharply. “She had many reasons to love you.”

  “Why would she love me? She died because of me!”

  May sighed and closed her eyes. “No, she died because of her father. You let that man beat on you repeatedly, rather than risk him striking her. You spent hours a day with her. Most children do not have that now, even a half a century later.” Her face lit up with joy. “That last time in the garden, do you remember it?”

  “Of course I do. I held her in my lap and she giggled and touched the petals of the red and white roses. I looked away for a second

  and she . . .”

  “I grabbed the stem of a red one and pricked my thumb. You fussed over me as if I had cut my entire hand open.”

  Startled out of my reverie, I gazed at her. “Not May,” I whispered. “Marie.”

  “I think red ones would have been my favorite, Mother,” she said, opening her eyes.

  She had just answered a question I had always wondered about. My mind raced through every encounter with her, from hearing her voice when I attacked my group, to her trying to prevent me from hurting myself, finally to her comment about knowing my pain from the opposite side. The age she appeared to be had fooled me. “You were a baby the last time I saw you. Why didn’t you tell me?”

  “We can look any age we wish,” she replied. “I didn’t tell you before because knowing would have been a distraction.”

  I pulled her to me and embraced her tightly. More tears fell. “Marie, I am so sorry.”

  “Don’t be. I do not blame you. Let go of the guilt. You are free. There is still much for you to do.” She hugged me and stepped back. “It is time to go.”

  “You’re leaving?” I asked.

  “Yes. I have done what I came to do. I will always be with you, unless I am living another life.”

  “Does that mean you will forget me?”

  “Only during that life cycle. The soul always remembers their loved ones when they are back on this side.” She smiled as she started to fade. “I love you, Mother.”

  “You were always my angel, Marie,” I said, recalling how she denied being one. I drew new strength and comfort from her words even as she disappeared. My daughter loved me. She didn’t blame me; she forgave me. “I love you, Marie,” I whispered through my tears. “Rest in peace, my daughter,” I whispered. “Your father cannot harm us ever again.”

  Chapter 29

  We gathered in the loft the next night to regroup. Matthew smiled as he sat down on the same hay bale as me. “You look well rested, Julia. I’m glad to see it.”

  Kali was already sitting on a bale to my right, and the twins were sitting on one next to her. Stephen climbed up next and joined Kali. “No nightmares?” Kali asked, sounding concerned.

  “No, I slept well,” I replied with a smile. “How about you?”

  She frowned slightly. “I wish I could say the same.”

  I reached over and squeezed her hand. “They go away eventually.”

  “I know,” she replied as the others came up. Sandro stood in the far corner scowling at us. Samuel and Mary Anne sat down across from us.

  “Christina and I will escort Sandro back to Florence tomorrow. Diego will meet us there in a few days and we’ll get their group straightened out,” David said.

  “That won’t be necessary,” Sandro growled.

  “We disagree,” Mary Anne replied curtly. “We have enough problems without your group tearing us apart from within.”

  “Your problem is still sitting here,” he complained.

  “Julia isn’t the problem. You are,” Matthew snapped. He looked at Samuel who nodded. “If it wasn’t for her vision you would be dead, Sandro. You owe her your pathetic life.”

  “Matthew, calm down. He isn’t worth it,” I said. I looked at Mary Anne and Samuel. “Are you still planning on going to Marseilles?”

  Mary Anne nodded. “I think that would be best. Elizabeth’s group is worried and we need a safe place to stay for a while.”

  “That is your former group, right?” I questioned.

  She shook her head as Matthew said, “They are Samuel’s and my original group. It’s been decades since we’ve seen each other.”

  “I don’t want to upset anyone, but are you sure we can trust them?” I asked.

  Mary Anne’s eyes widened at my question and she looked from Samuel to Matthew. Matthew looked at Samuel as well, but Samuel remained silent. Matthew frowned slightly but answered, “I would trust them with my life, Julia.”

  I nodded. Sandro snorted and said, “They won’t welcome you.”

  “That isn’t your concern. Neither is Florence anymore,” David replied. He looked at Samuel. “We could have quite the stronghold here.”

  “I agree. I can stay and help,” Kali said with a sly smile at Sandro. “After all, I haven’t been able to see all of Italy yet.”

  Mary Anne frowned at her. “Kali, I don’t think that’s a good idea. You still have things to learn.”

  “I already know most of what I need to know. The rest I’ll learn on my own.” She shrugged. “A little time apart might be good for Julia and me.”

  I looked at her in confusion. “Kali, you don’t have to leave. I know you have figured out how to feed but . . . ”

  “I know, Julia, but seeing me all the time probably isn’t good for the grieving process. My slight resemblance to Marie won’t help.” I sighed, but nodded. If she thought this was best, I was not going to stop her. Judging by her smile, she had her own reasons to stay here.

  Samuel looked at me and said, “Do you think she’s ready to go out on her own already?”

  “She learned incredibly fast. I see no reason why she can’t. I have nothing to teach that she doesn’t know or can’t figure out on her own.” Kali smiled gratefully at me.

  Samuel nodded. Christina said, “We welcome your help, Kali.” She frowned at Sandro. “It’s time to pack up.” The four of them left the loft.

  Matthew sighed. “I need to go back to Villa Medici to settle some things there.”

  “I’ll walk you out,” I said, sensing he was troubled about something. He nodded and we left the stable. When we were a little way from the building I asked, “What’s wrong?”

  “Have you talked to Samuel at all?”

  “Yes, last night. He apologized to me and asked for forgiveness. Why?”

  He rubbed his forehead and said, �
�I’m still worried about him. During that entire conversation everyone but Samuel made a decision or answered a question. And his silence about Elizabeth’s group is deeply concerning to me.”

  “Samuel doesn’t trust himself right now,” I replied, explaining what he told me last night.

  Matthew frowned. “That’s even more of reason to head there.”

  ***

  About three weeks later we arrived just outside of Marseilles. Since most of France was controlled by Valentino, we travelled cloaked by the ka-tet’s power to remain undetected. We were all on horseback that night as Mary Anne and Samuel led the way toward the city. Stephen followed, and Matthew and I brought up the rear.

  As I carefully guided my horse down the small trail, I looked anxiously to my right at Matthew. As we got closer to our destination, I found myself second-guessing our decision to go there. “Are you sure I should have come along? Considering who these people are, Sandro may be right. I may not be welcome there.”

  Matthew sighed. “Elizabeth’s group tends to make up their own minds about things. They aren’t easily swayed one way or another. Besides, I would rather know now that they have an issue with you than later if we need their help.”

  I nodded. He had a valid point. I wrinkled my nose as the stench of a larger city mixed in with the fragrance of the trees and nearby sea water. I could also sense the group we were coming to visit. Our destination was close. I felt the others uncloak as the first flickers of lit lanterns appeared.

  Seconds later, three vampires emerged from the woods in front of us. “There’s only one group I know of that can just appear at the edge of your city without warning. Hello Samuel,” a tall brunette said with a smile. Her English was heavily accented, but I could still understand it.

  Samuel stopped his horse and dismounted. “Hello Elizabeth. It’s good to see you.”

  “Oh, wonderful. Samuel’s here,” a male vampire murmured under his breath. He was almost the same height as Elizabeth, but his hair and complexion were several shades darker than hers.