by J. A. Owenby
3
If Layne hadn’t already spotted me, I would have slithered right under the table with no shame. I’d developed a survival instinct that often urged me to run when danger was near. Since that wasn’t an option for me at the moment, my body decided to turn on me instead. I sat on my hands in an attempt to control the tremble that fought to take me over.
Seconds before Layne reached me, one of his friends ran into the restaurant behind him. “Over here, man.”
Layne paused, then turned in the other direction, but his gaze lingered on me for a few more seconds.
When he finally looked away, I blew out the breath I wasn’t even aware I’d been holding. “Fuck.” I scooted across the booth and stood. “I’ll wait for you guys to finish in the car.” I reached out to Benji, my palm up. “Can I please have the keys?”
He waved at Holly. “We’ll get everything to go. You’re not going out there alone.”
“Fine. I’ll be in the bathroom.” Without another word, I scurried off like the little mouse I was. Tears blurred my vision as I slammed into a stall and dropped to my knees. My stomach churned, and I clutched the toilet seat, praying I wasn’t going to toss up my evening.
“Tensley? I’m here with you,” Avery said. “Do you need a damp paper towel?”
“Yeah.” With one huge heave, the contents of my night landed noisily in the commode.
“Oh, hon.” Avery entered the handicapped stall with me. “Here.” She placed the wet hand towel on the back of my neck and smoothed my hair out of my face. “I’m sorry he was such a huge asshole. Would you like me to kick him in the nuts the next time I see him?”
I gagged again while I gripped the toilet for dear life.
“It’s okay, hon. I’m right here.”
“I’m sure it’s the food mixed with the alcohol.”
“Nice try.” Avery wiped the perspiration off my forehead. “You’re a terrible liar. Plus, you’ve drank Benji and me under the table numerous times without even a hangover.”
Shit. Seeing Layne again had me so rattled, my lies weren’t working.
“He can’t hurt you anymore,” Avery assured me.
“Yeah,” I squeaked. Little did she know that Layne wasn’t the worst of it, not even close. “I-I shouldn’t let him get to me like that.” But it wasn’t just him. It was the onslaught of memories from my last year in high school, including the fat slob of a foster father who felt it was his right to crawl into my bed every night. The memory of his slimy touch slithered over my skin, and I leaned forward, heaving again.
Avery rested her hand on my back. “I’m here. It’s okay.”
My hair hung over my face, hiding the tear that had escaped down my cheek. My mom had never helped me like Avery was. I placed my arm on the toilet seat and propped my head against it.
Avery’s phone vibrated, and she pulled it out of her navy Tory Burch bag. “Benji is warming up the car. He got our food to go. I’ll just text him back that you’re sick and we’ll be out in a few.”
I nodded, too weak to give a shit, but I didn’t want to puke in his Lexus either. “Sorry,” I muttered.
“Girl, please. I’m just sorry you went through hell. Whatever happened, I hope you can find some peace. I know how crappy it is when something in your past haunts you. No one should ever be able to fuck you up like that. You’re one of the strongest people I know.”
I wished she were right. I wasn’t strong at all. I’d just lived a lot of life, and if I wanted to stay alive, I had to be smart about it. I had to slide under the radar and out of sight.
Taking a deep breath, I leaned back against the wall, and my stomach began to settle down. “Can you peek in the restaurant and see if Layne is around? If the coast is clear, I’ll wash my face and we can make a run for it.” I sounded like a coward. Maybe that was because I was a coward. My head hung in shame over the fact that some guy could shake me up to such a degree, but maybe it wasn’t just him.
The creak of the bathroom door broke my thoughts, and I stood slowly, willing my stomach to stop rebelling.
“It’s clear. I don’t see him anywhere.”
I hurried to the sink, washed my face, then joined Avery.
Avery looped her arm in mine and held my hand. “You’ve got this.”
I kept my focus trained on the exit as we briskly walked through the restaurant. The chilly night air greeted me, and we made a beeline for Benji’s Lexus.
“Victoria! Wait!”
A lump lodged itself in my throat, but I didn’t turn around. Goosebumps peppered my skin at the sound of Layne’s voice, but I kept going.
“Victoria?” Avery asked in a hushed tone. “Why in the hell is he calling you Victoria? Tensley, he must think you’re someone else.”
My only response was silence. Oh my fucking goodness, there was a God. And for one brief second, He smiled down on me. Relief washed through me as we reached Benji’s car, and I slid into the back seat. I lay down and let the soft leather cool my overheated cheek.
“Are you still sick to your stomach?” Avery asked.
“No,” I managed.
“Girl, I love you tons, but no puking in this bitch,” Benji warned. “If you gotta hurl, I’m happy to pull over and just slide you off the seat, out of the vehicle, and onto some grass.”
Although I felt like shit, I laughed. Leave it to Benji to make a bad situation funny. He was serious, though. I’d seen him move double time to get someone out of the Lexus before they vomited.
Avery peeked around the front seat at me, her eyes sympathizing with my predicament. “Tensley, he thinks you’re someone else, hon. It’s all right.”
I slowly released a pent-up breath and put both hands over my face in an attempt to still my spinning head, but it wasn’t because of the alcohol. It had been a long time since I’d heard my real name. Victoria Alison Benton. Not even Benji and Avery knew me by that name. I’d left that girl behind when I moved to Spokane from Little Rock. When Layne had called out to me, my heart had pounded against my chest like an angry buffalo stampede. What in the hell am I going to do? I wondered if he was just visiting or if he was there to stay and make my life miserable.
After I was placed in foster care, I’d quickly picked up a skill that still served me well—hiding. Fortunately, I had been a small kid at twelve and could squeeze into tight spaces. Before long, I’d learned to fold myself up in the back of a closet and cover up with shoes or dirty clothes.
Although I had privacy and my own room in the three-bedroom house I shared with Benji and Avery, when I was overwhelmed, I would curl into a fetal position and squish myself against the wall and into the corner of my queen bed.
Even though it was sparsely furnished with a secondhand, petite, light-green dresser and nightstand with chipped paint, the room was mine, and I preferred only a few things in my space.
I wished I could have told Avery and Benji everything, but I couldn’t. Instead, the mental images had come rushing up from the center of my being and landed noisily in the toilet. Seeing Layne and hearing my real name roll off his tongue had jarred me back into a darkness that still had its claws hooked deep inside my soul.
A small cry slipped from my lips as I rocked myself and struggled to block out the memories.
A light knock sounded at my door, and I immediately stilled.
“Tensley.” The hall light filtered through the crack as Benji peered into my room. “Babe?”
For whatever reason, Benji had referred to me as babe since we’d met. He wasn’t bisexual, and there had never been anything between us but a deep friendship. Although he was probably the most intimate relationship I’d had, I had never told him about much of my past, only the need-to-know items, like the fact that I’d spent several years in foster care.
“Yeah?” My voice faltered, revealing the vulnerability that had swelled up inside my chest.
“Are you all right?” The door quietly clicked closed behind him, and he moved toward me in the semidar
kness. He’d already changed into plaid pajama bottoms and no shirt. The moonlight peered through my window, illuminating his silhouette. He almost appeared angelic … almost.
I uncurled my body and stretched my legs out in my bed. “Would you believe me if I told you I was?” Adjusting my sleep tank and shorts, I moved my oversized Minion pillow and patted the available space next to me.
“I don’t think so.” Benji crawled under the blanket while I remained on top. “I know you’re super quiet about your past, but babe, what happened tonight?” He took my hand in his. “Talk to me.”
I hesitated, and a long silence filled the room. “I’m not sure I can.” I blinked back tears as I peered into my bestie’s concerned eyes. If only he were straight. Benji would be the guy for me. Or maybe he was safe because I knew the intimacy between us could only go so far.
He plumped up the pillow on his side and got comfortable. “Did you move here from Arkansas for more reasons than just college?”
I internally cringed. “Yeah.” He would definitely want to know more.
“Why? Like, do people in Arkansas even know where Washington state is?” He snickered at his own joke.
“Apparently a few of us do.” I squeezed my eyes closed, hoping that I could wish the lousy situation away. “I have no idea why Layne is here, but I needed a fresh start. I mean, I’ve told you I was in foster homes until I graduated. After that, I was on my own, and all I knew was that I had to get out of there. I needed to be around people who hadn’t formed an inaccurate opinion of me. I no longer wanted to be that kid, the foster kid who smelled and showed up to school in the same set of clothes all week, with tangled hair.”
“Ten, I didn’t realize it was that bad.”
“It was worse.” My heart sped into overdrive. Layne showing up had left me no choice but to share more. I couldn’t risk Benji thinking I’d lied to him. “I moved to get a fresh start and changed my name. I don’t think I can talk about it tonight, though. Maybe someday, but it’s not far enough behind me.”
Benji’s brows puckered while he studied me. It was obvious he was storing a million questions, and I could tell it was going to be too much for him to wait.
“Please, not right now.”
“Are you Victoria?” His question floated on a whisper and traveled straight to my heart.
A silent tear streamed down my cheek, and I brushed it away. “I was.”
A deep understanding flickered across Benji’s expression. Although I hadn’t gone into any detail, Benji realized at that moment that my past was so much more than I’d ever shared with him.
“Come here.” He patted his shoulder, and I immediately slipped under the covers and laid my head against him. His arm wrapped protectively around me, and I knew I might have a chance to sleep that night because my best friend cared enough to ensure I felt safe. “If I were straight …”
I smiled. “I know. Me too.”
He placed a gentle kiss on the top of my head. There was no doubt in my mind that Benji loved me, and I loved him. If he weren’t gay, though, I would never feel safe enough to be that close to him, physically or emotionally. But I believed it went both ways.
“Thomas is performing at the standup club tomorrow, and you’re going with me, so be ready by nine,” he said.
Ugh. I had to pretend I liked Thomas when I truly despised him. I looked up at Benji, my heart softening when I saw the worry in his expression. I just wasn’t sure if it was about Thomas or something else. “Why do you want me to go?”
“First, you need a good laugh, and some of those guys are fucking hilarious. Second, I don’t want to sit in the audience alone. And third, because I said so.” He flashed an infectious grin at me.
There was no way I could turn him down. “All right. For you, I’ll go.” I stifled a yawn and cozied under the blankets, moving my head off Benji’s shoulder and nestling it into the pillow.
Benji held my hand tightly and inhaled, his chest rising before he spoke again. “When you’re ready, Tensley, I’m here for you. Your secrets will always be safe with me.”
4
Unwanted memories plagued my dreams even though I slept next to Benji all night. Layne and Chloe’s faces were everywhere I turned: the high school gym, locker room, and hallways. There was no escaping them or their minions. I rubbed my eyes, willing the thoughts away, but I couldn’t shake the daunting feeling that nagged at me. Why is Layne in Spokane? What does he want from me?
Sighing softly, I patted the bed next to me. But Benji was gone, which was typical. I wondered if Avery knew how many nights we spent together. It wouldn’t bother her, but she never said a word.
For whatever reason, I was as comforting to Benji as he was to me. The first night we’d shared a bed, we were drunk off our rockers and passed out in his room. Since then, if we had an issue sleeping or wanted to talk, we just spent the night together. Somehow, it was more intimate than if we were having sex, maybe because I knew he didn’t expect anything from me. Just being me was good enough for him.
Since it was nearly noon on Saturday, I figured it was time to drag my lazy ass out of bed even though I didn’t want to. I would have been happy if I could curl up with a good book all day and be alone, but I had chores to do, including laundry, if I wanted to go out with Benji that night.
I wandered down the hall, rubbing the sleep out of my eyes and entered the kitchen.
“Hey, sexy,” Avery said through a mouthful of sandwich. “How are you feeling this morning … afternoon?”
“Fine.” I wasn’t awake enough to converse beyond one-syllable words yet.
“There’s coffee left in the pot if you want it.”
I nodded and reached for a mug, filled it, then sank onto the barstool next to her at the island. “I’m not sure why I got up.” I took a sip of coffee. “Oh, yes … I have to do laundry. For some reason, I don’t think my pajamas are appropriate attire for the comedy club tonight.”
Avery smiled at me. “I’m glad you’re getting out of the house again. You spend way too much time in your bedroom alone. If you were in your room, getting laid, that would be acceptable, but not all the hours you’re holed up alone.” She scrunched up her nose at me like it was the most distasteful thing she’d ever heard.
“Well, I like it. Plus I rarely had a moment to myself for years. Now I do. It’s just that simple.” I’d never told Avery how grotesquely accurate that statement was. Although it had appeared to the social worker that we’d had our own bedrooms, we hadn’t. Five of us slept together in a room that was no bigger than ten by ten. Mama Joy would toss down sleeping bags for us on a filthy carpeted floor and tell us to deal with it. Then she would shut the door so she didn’t have to see or hear us. By eight o’clock most nights, the house would be full of her and Papa George’s friends. They would drink and holler all night even though we had to go to school the next day while the adults slept. The rooms supposedly meant for us had been used for people to screw and pass out in. I still felt disgusted by it all.
“Are you doing anything fun tonight?” I asked, slamming the window closed on the ugly memories.
Avery’s face lit up. “I’m seeing Justin.”
I took a drink of my coffee and raised my eyebrow at her. “You like this guy, huh?”
“Yeah. A lot.” She crunched on a barbecue potato chip then took a sip of her milk.
“Ew, barbecue and milk? That’s nasty.”
Avery giggled. “No, it’s not. Anyway, he’s taking me to meet his parents tonight.”
“What? That’s huge! Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”
“I would have, but he just mentioned it this morning while you were still asleep. I didn’t think you’d appreciate me waking you up for the news. I mean, if it were a proposal, then hell yeah, I’d have jumped up and down on your bed, screaming like a giddy teenager.”
“Are you guys going out to eat or to his parent’s place? Fill me in, girlfriend.” I leaned forward in my chair, eager to
hear about her life. Justin and Avery had dated for about four months, so this was a big deal. I listened attentively while she updated me on the upcoming evening and filled me in on how she and Justin were doing. Although I wasn’t the best person to judge the situation, since I’d never had a boyfriend before, it seemed as though the relationship was growing pretty serious.
A familiar pang of longing swelled inside my chest. The more Avery talked about her and Justin, the more I wanted that kind of relationship. I was a junior in college and had never had a date. I’d never experienced the feeling of belonging next to someone and waking up in bliss every morning. I realized the feeling didn’t last forever, but I would cherish even one day of it. I would cling to the memory of someone wanting to be with me and bask in the moments in which I felt good enough and worthy to be loved, valued, and worshipped. I mentally slapped myself in the face for allowing my thoughts to wander down a road in fantasy island.
Avery snapped her fingers in front of me. “Tensley? Where did you go?”
“Sorry,” I mumbled. “I’m still waking up.”
“Are you really okay? This entire conversation, we’ve managed to dance around what happened last night. I know it did a number on you.” A frown line creased her forehead as she examined me.
I suppressed my sarcastic laugh. She had no idea how not okay I really was, and if I could help it, she never would know.
“Yup.” I sipped my coffee. “I think the alcohol complicated the situation. I mean, so what if Layne is here? However, the more I think about it …” I drummed my fingers against the countertop of the island. “It would help if you could check to see if there is a schedule for him. At least I would know whether or not he is a student or just visiting. If he is, the campus is plenty big enough for me to avoid him. I just need to know where he is so I can avoid him.”
“I’ll take care of it on Monday. Consider it done.”
“Thanks. I really appreciate it. But …”