Broken

by Lisa Edward

  I needed a distraction. I was so mad and confused by the way Adam had snapped at me, so I ran myself a bubble bath, lit some candles, and poured a glass of wine. Then I sat there brooding over Adam’s grumpy mood until the water turned cold. Every fiber of my being was telling me to go check on him, to look after him the way I had with Charles whenever he was sick, but Adam didn’t want me there. So I forced myself to write. I wrote until the first draft of the book was completely finished, then fell into bed at just after three in the morning.

  Waking on my own, it took a few minutes to remember what had happened the day before. I hadn’t heard from Adam and it was now—I checked the clock—a little after ten.

  I was sure he would be feeling better, and would probably apologize for being such a grumpy ass. So with a spring in my step, I dressed, made a fresh pot of coffee, then poured a cup with milk and sugar, just the way Adam liked it, and took it over to him to see how he was.

  As soon as I took the first step onto Adam’s deck, Max came bounding up to me. He’d been sitting on the back mat waiting for someone to let him back inside, which seemed strange, as Max was usually by Adam’s side.

  Checking the sliding glass door, I found it unlocked, so I opened it and entered, calling out a cheery “good mornin’” to announce my arrival. But I was stopped dead in my tracks when I was confronted with a glamorous Annabel, fussing over Adam as he sat on the sofa.

  “I thought you said you wanted to be left alone to rest. What’s she doin’ here?” I blurted out, unable to keep my temper under control. Why is it okay for her to be here and not me?

  “I’m taking him to Southampton Hospital.” She was so cool, so…doctor-like, as she put away her stethoscope and removed the blood pressure cuff.

  “What? Why?” I clunked the coffee cup down on the table, spilling some over the rim.

  Annabel gave Adam a look, eyebrows raised and questioning. He shook his head vigorously, his face set in a scowl.

  “What the fuck’s goin’ on? Adam?” My hands were on my hips. I needed answers, like when did he call her to come? Because it’s a long drive from Philadelphia to the Hamptons.

  “It doesn’t concern you,” Annabel told me in an “I’m a doctor and you’re just an idiot” tone.

  “Like hell it doesn’t! But what I wanna know is why it concerns you. He’s not your boyfriend anymore. He’s my—”

  “Your friend. That’s all you two are. You are friends.”

  I looked at Adam. I was sure he would jump to my defense, but instead he just rose from the sofa and hobbled out of the room.

  My heart raced in my chest as panic took hold, but I didn’t know if it was because his ex was sitting there looking gorgeous, or because she was a doctor and thought he needed to go to the hospital.

  “It’s man-flu, for goodness’ sake,” I said, trying to appease my own growing concern. “Of course, bein’ man-flu, it’s worse than anythin’ any woman has ever experienced. But seriously, he has a cold. Does he really need to go to the hospital?”

  Annabel completely ignored me as she closed her black medical bag. I may as well have been talking to myself, which in effect, I was.

  Adam returned. He’d changed into his jeans and a pullover, and had packed a small overnight bag.

  I looked to him, pleading. “Adam, what’s goin’ on? Why do you need to go to the hospital?”

  He just shook his head, dismissing my concern. “I’m fine, Evie. Don’t worry yourself about it. Annabel’s being overcautious. Can you look after Max, please?”

  “No. No, I can’t. I ain’t your fuckin’ dog-sitter every time you want a little rendezvous with your ex.”

  “Please…”

  “No.” I crossed my arms over my chest defiantly. “I ain’t doin’ it, Adam. I won’t, not again.” If I could have gotten away with stamping my foot like an insolent child, I would have. But I was trying to be mature, especially as Annabel was there. I looked at her again. That pitying look smacked me in the face.

  I was defeated. She had won.

  Max sidled against my leg. Reaching down, I patted his head. “I ain’t feedin’ ya.” I sniffed as my eyes misted over.

  Adam came over to me, and for a moment I thought he was going to kiss me goodbye, but Annabel ushered him out the door, leaving Max and me standing there like yesterday’s news.

  They were gone.

  Adam had left without a second glance over his shoulder. There’d been no explanation, no reassurance that he would be back soon. He had obviously called the woman who had broken his heart and she’d come rushing to his side to take care of him.

  Max whined by my side. He looked as sad and pathetic as I felt.

  “Come on, then, let’s go home.”

  Max and I sat outside on the deck, huddled together for most of the day. I couldn’t understand why Adam had called Annabel, but even more so, I couldn’t get my head around why she thought he needed to go to the hospital. Was there something more wrong with him than just the flu? What weren’t they telling me?

  Max and I sat there until the sun disappeared behind the cliff and the sky turned a magnificent shade of red. It was cold, but I had hoped that at any minute Adam would come home, and I wanted to be there to let him know I was worried about him and to make sure he was okay. Even if he had chosen Annabel over me, I couldn’t help how I felt about him.

  He didn’t come home.

  I put Max to bed, then crawled under the covers and cuddled Adam’s pillow, feeling totally dejected. The coolness of the sheet on Adam’s side of the bed was a constant reminder that he wasn’t there, and I huddled on my side with his pillow in my arms, trying to fool myself into thinking that I was cuddling him. As tears tumbled over my lashes and onto my pillow, I chastised myself. I had stupidly let myself fall for a man who was so far out of my reach it was laughable. I had gotten involved with someone when I knew there was no real future for us after our time here was over. I had allowed myself to believe that he felt something for me, when clearly the woman he wanted to take care of him, the woman he turned to, was not me. With her blonde bouncy hair, fake boobs, and cool demeanor, she was in fact the opposite of me. She was the anti-Evie. I chuckled into the darkness. I was seriously losing it.

  “No, you’ve just lost him,” I blubbered to myself.

  The clicking of Max’s claws on the wooden boards alerted me to his presence.

  “Back to bed, Maxie,” I whispered into the dark.

  He snuffled beside the bed, hot dog breath assaulting my nostrils.

  “You ain’t gettin’ up.”

  He climbed up onto the end of the bed.

  “Get down.”

  The weight of his head rested on my feet and he sighed contentedly.

  “Okay, but stay down there.”

  Slowly, inch by inch he edged his way up the length of the bed until his back leaned against mine.

  “I know, fella, I miss him too.”

  Max was restless, circling the living room, so I let him outside. He sat on the back deck, his head on his paws, looking at the ocean. I knew he was missing Adam, but I wondered how much he understood. Did he look at the water and think about the morning swims they used to take, or did he just know that his master wasn’t around and miss the sound of his voice as much as I did?

  I had hoped that someone from the hospital would let me know what was happening, that maybe even Adam could have called my cell to let me know he was all right, but there was no word. So I decided to take matters into my own hands and drive over to the hospital to find out what was going on.

  The cheerful lady at reception was very helpful and told me which ward Adam was on. As I followed the signs, I passed the gift shop, the air perfumed by the array of flowers sitting in their buckets out front. Bending down, I plucked out a bunch of yellow roses, knowing that the color symbolized friendship and good health. If Adam and I were just friends, then I was going to be the best friend I could be.

  As I made my way to his floor,
I felt renewed hope that he would see me and smile brightly, having missed holding me last night.

  “Excuse me, miss,” a clipped tone called as I tried to quietly make my way up the corridor.

  Damn!

  “Hi, I’m just here to see Adam Walker,” I told the nurse at her station, not stopping as I continued to sidle my way closer to his room.

  “I’m sorry, doll, but his doctor has said no visitors.”

  I stopped dead in my tracks. “What doctor?” And don’t call me doll.

  “His cardiologist.”

  “Oh, Annabel. That’s okay, I know her. She wouldn’t mind,” I said, as if Annabel and I were old friends.

  “No, sorry, doll, she specifically mentioned no female visitors.”

  Of course she did; the only female visitor Adam would have would be me.

  Reluctantly, I sat in the waiting room that was just up the corridor from Adam’s room. If they wouldn’t let me see him, I would wait until Dr. Annabel Carmichael strutted past and corner her. The minutes turned into hours, and I sat, and sat, and slouched; then I paced for a little while before sitting again. Finally I saw Annabel approach the nurses’ station, and I sprang into action.

  “Annabel,” I called, waving like a crazy person just in case she didn’t know who had spoken.

  She turned slowly. The expression on her face told me she wasn’t surprised that I was there. “Evie—” She gave me the once-over. “You look tired.”

  Yes, I was tired. I’d hardly slept, worried sick about Adam. She, on the other hand, looked as if she’d just won America’s Next Top Model and damn, how many skintight knitted dresses did the girl own?

  “What’s goin’ on? I want answers.”

  “He’s fine. I’ve put him on an antibiotic intravenous drip to fight the infection in his chest. He’ll be home tomorrow.” She patted my arm. “Go home, Evie. Seriously, you don’t know the first thing about him. For your own good, end whatever it is you think you have now, before he breaks your heart. There’s no future for the two of you.” Noticing the wilting flowers in my hand, she asked, “I assume they’re for Adam? Did you want me to give them to him?”

  “Yes, that’d be great, and please, let him know I was here.” Handing them to her, I regretted not spending another two minutes on writing a card to go with them.

  She turned and clipped her way up the corridor in her four-inch heels. When she was a few doors up, she turned back to look at me and raised her hand. For the briefest moment I thought she’d had a change of heart and was going to call me over, but she didn’t. She gave me a little wave to go with the smug grin on her face, before entering the room—Adam’s room.

  Should I make a dash for it?

  My eyes darted over to the nurses’ station. The old biddy behind the desk had one brow cocked, watching me like a hawk. Still, I could probably outrun her and reach the door before she tackled me. But then what? Did I go bursting into Adam’s room only to be thrown out after making a scene? If he’d wanted to see me, he could have phoned or told Annabel to let me visit. When it had come to the crunch, he had chosen Annabel as the girl he wanted by his side, the one he wanted to take care of him, and that was more of a telling sign than any other. We could spend time with anyone when we were happy and healthy, but it was the person we wanted to be with when we were unwell that was the true person in our heart.

  With a heavy heart, I gave the nurse a forced broad smile. “You’ve been ever so helpful, doll.” Then I left.

  WEEK SIX

  ADAM WALKER—JOURNAL ENTRY

  I did what I swore I would never do—I called Anna and asked for her help. Surprisingly, she came, but then she is a doctor and when someone is sick, she pulls on her caring boots and does her job. I had hoped she’d just write me a prescription and be gone, but Evie came and then the shit hit the fan when Anna said I needed to go to the hospital. I was certain Evie would come and visit me, bring a bunch of flowers and throw her arms around me, but she never showed. I guess that says it all. At the first sign of me being sick, she didn’t fight for me. She didn’t argue that I was hers and tell Anna where to go. She never came.

  EVIE RIVERS

  I couldn’t do this with Adam anymore. As much as I wanted him, if he didn’t want me, then I wasn’t going to humiliate myself by begging for a minute of his attention. I needed to pull up my big-girl panties and end it once and for all in a mature, non-tantrum-throwing way.

  Finding a box that Adam had brought groceries home in from the store, I swept through the house, gathering up his belongings and arranging them neatly inside it. The amount of clothes had grown since he had first filled his drawer, and I wondered if there was much left at his rental. Well there would be soon enough. As I folded the remaining clothes, I picked up a T-shirt from under the bed and held it to my face, burying my nose in his scent.

  Tears blurred my vision and I wiped them dry on his shirt. “It was fun while it lasted, Sugar,” I said into the shirt as I inhaled deeply one last time before tucking it under my pillow for safekeeping.

  Adam’s paintings were stacked together against the wall, and I flipped through them, admiring his artistic interpretation. He had painted the lighthouse a few times now, but each painting was different, the light setting the mood from bright and cheery, to gloomy and ominous. There were also numerous other paintings that he must have used photos to create. There was a couple of the beach looking out to the right, as well as a little sheltered alcove that I hadn’t seen before. As I continued to browse through them, I came across one of the house I was now standing in, the sand sweeping up to the back deck, the little cottage standing proudly amidst the gray sky. It was beautiful, the type of painting that I would want to hang as a keepsake, had our time together not ended so badly.

  My portrait was half completed and I stood a few feet away from it, taking in the painting as a whole. He had done a brilliant job so far, and I knew that given the chance, it would be a piece to be proud of. But there was no chance I would be posing practically naked for him ever again. Not only did I not want to, but also I was sure Annabel would have something to say about it if I ever stripped in front of him again.

  Annabel.

  Admiring my portrait, I wondered how many times, and in how many varying degrees of undress, Adam had painted her. By the way he’d captured my expression perfectly, the light illuminating one side of my face and the small smile barely gracing my lips, it was obvious it wasn’t the first portrait he’d ever worked on.

  “She’d need a second canvas just for those enormous bazookas,” I muttered under my breath. Looking down at my decent-sized boobs, mosquito bites compared to hers, I felt totally inadequate. Inadequate in femininity, inadequate in intelligence, and apparently I’d failed in my lovability too.

  Slumping on the floor, I called Max to me. He trotted over happily before half climbing into my lap. “At least you like me, don’t ya, fella?”

  He slobbered on my hand and I hugged him hard.

  “I don’t reckon you like Annabel much, though, do ya?” He hadn’t seemed excited to see her and she hadn’t patted or talked to him. I couldn’t understand it. Anyone who didn’t love the heck out of this dog just couldn’t be trusted, in my opinion. He was adorable. In fact, the only thing of Adam’s I didn’t want to return was Max. He was my companion now, and I would miss those big brown eyes and the way he knew when I was feeling down and would come over to cheer me up.

  Adam was due back sometime during the day and I wanted to be there. I wanted to be the bigger person. To tell him I was glad that he was feeling better and that if he was happy, then I was happy.

  Max and I ventured over to Adam’s, but he wasn’t home yet. It was getting close to lunchtime and I was sure he would have been discharged in the morning.

  “Should we wait?” I asked Max, not expecting any kind of response. He sat on the back deck, making himself comfortable on the mat, his head resting on his paws.

  So there was my answer. After
two more trips to carry all the paintings over, I took a seat on a deck chair and waited. Seemed I was doing that a lot these days—waiting for Adam. But he was worth waiting for—at least, I had thought so. I would have waited outside in the cold for hours if he had only given me some indication that he was still interested. Instead I was waiting to return his possessions so that our relationship would be over for good.

  Finally, there was movement inside the house as Adam and Annabel entered through the front door. Max leapt up, his tail wagging furiously, then barked and growled deep in his throat as Annabel came to the door.

  “Oh shoo, you silly dog,” she scolded, pushing him to one side with her leg. “Evie, what do you want?”

  Well, that’s a lovely welcome.

  “I’m actually here to see Adam, seein’ as this is his house.” I was tired of being nice. It had gotten me nowhere but swept aside.

  “He needs to rest.” She was standing in front of the partially open door, blocking my entrance, and I was just about to hip and shoulder her out of the way when Adam appeared behind her.

  “Hi, Evie. What are you doing here?” He sounded surprised, and I suppose he was—surprised by my persistence. But I wasn’t there to beg him to love me or to give me a second chance. I was there to say goodbye.

  “Hello, Adam. Are you feelin’ better?” For all my bravado, I couldn’t be cold and detached. I cared about him deeply and just seeing him made my heart flutter.

  His eyes sparkled for a second, but then that wall went up. “Yep, not too bad now.” His gaze dropped to Max, who was jumping in circles with excitement. “Thanks for looking after Max.”

  I shrugged. “He’s great company. I’ll miss ’im.” And you. I’ll miss you too. Indicating the paintings and box of goodies, my hand shook and I quickly shoved it in my pocket. “Here’s your stuff, except the paintin’ of the lighthouse that I loved. I’m keepin’ that as payment for takin’ care of Max.”