A Life Less Broken

by Margaret McHeyzer

  “You seem to know a lot about coffee,” I comment as I continue sipping on mine.

  “I know a lot about it because I found it intriguing how the humble coffee cherry can go from a deep red to create a brown liquid when mixed with water that many of us need desperately. I like knowing how and why things work the way they do.”

  “And what have you deduced about the coffee bean?”

  Dominic smiles at me and relaxes back in his chair. “Honestly?”

  “I only want the truth,” I answer.

  “Without this deep, full-bodied, dark brown liquid, I wouldn’t be able to think properly in the morning. And I take my hat off to the men and women that pick and process the beans that make this coffee for me.”

  “I made that coffee you’re drinking, so you should say thank you to me, too.”

  “Ha!” Dominic throws his back and lets out a rumbly laugh from deep inside his chest, and I find that I smile too. “Well, how rude of me! Thank you, Allyn, I very much like my coffee.”

  We both drink our coffees and it dawns on me – today is the third day of talking with Dominic, and he’s yet to ask me anything about the cause of my condition.

  “Dominic,” I say as I take the last mouthful to finish my coffee.

  “Yes.”

  “Why haven’t you asked me about what happened?”

  “Because when you’re ready, you’ll tell me.”

  “What if I’m never ready to tell you?”

  “What ifs don’t exist in my world. There are no what ifs; there’s only what happened in the past, what’s happening now, and what we can do to avoid something bad happening in the future.”

  I look away and I can feel my eyebrows furrowing together as I consider Dominic’s words.

  “I can avoid something bad happening in the future by never leaving my house,” I say as I stare at Dominic.

  “Yes, but that’s not living life. It’s a black existence. And we all deserve to live in color.”

  “Hmmm,” I say to myself, thoughtful.

  “But for today, you had a mini-lesson in the life cycle of a coffee bean. Tomorrow I’ll be late, but I’ll be here.” Dominic stands and takes his knapsack off the floor. “Oh, I forgot that banana bread. Here you go,” he says as he opens his bag and puts two plastic-wrapped slices of banana bread on the table. “Banana bread is best served warm with pats of butter. If you don’t want to eat any tonight then save it for our coffee tomorrow.”

  I stand and move toward the door. I turn the alarm off and unlock both doors, opening them so Dominic can leave.

  “I’ll see you tomorrow,” he says as he steps outside and goes to his car.

  I lock the doors and reset the alarm.

  I stop at the kitchen table and look at the two innocent pieces of banana bread that Dominic brought with him.

  It’s then that it dawns on me.

  Two very significant things are happening. They’re so big that I can’t deny them or shut them out of my head.

  I opened both doors today, and I let a new person inside.

  And…black in my life just acquired a tinge of color.

  Chapter 8

  “I was taken,” I begin. Dominic sits in the same seat he’s used for over a week, and looks at me as calmly as he always has. Not judging.

  “When?”

  “Three years ago. It was the day that changed my life. It was also the day that my life stopped being normal.”

  “Normal is subjective, Allyn. It’s different for everyone,” he says as he continues to look at me.

  “Do you want to take notes?” I ask, procrastinating, trying to avoid recounting the horror-filled story I know I’m going to have tell him.

  “If you want me to, I can, but I’d prefer to just listen for now.”

  I simply nod and slide my coffee cup off the kitchen table. Not saying a word, I get up and go sit in the spot where I spend most my days. I perch on the kitchen counter, looking outside at a world I cannot be part of.

  Today, the clouds are dark again, a deep gray that holds the promise of a heavy rainfall. They bunch together and ominously hang over my house with foreboding authority.

  Are these severe storm clouds an omen that my life will be altered after today? Are they warning me to keep my mouth shut? Warning me not to attempt breaking out of my existence and try for a new life? I can’t think about that now. Dominic is waiting. “That day was different. When I woke up and turned the radio on, the news was talking about Trisha Mackenzie, a young high school girl who went missing on the way home from school, and how her body had been found.” I continue to stare at the gloomy, dark sky outside.

  “I worked in a clothing shop at the mall. The girl who usually worked with me called to tell me she was sick and couldn’t come in that day. That was right around the time that there was a virus sweeping through the city, a twenty-four hour bug.”

  If only I had been sick that day too.

  “I called my boss to tell him that I was short-handed and needed help, but his other stores were going through the same thing.” I take a sip of my coffee and tears begin to well in my eyes.

  “I was so busy, but I had a pesky feeling something bad was going to happen. It was sitting there all day, in the pit of my stomach. I just knew something awful was coming. Looking back now, I should’ve closed the store and refused to let anyone in.”

  I’m not sure if Dominic is listening. I haven’t looked at him. I’m so intent on remembering and trying to put words to what happened that I can’t even bear to peek.

  “It was a busy day with racks of new clothes coming in and the store was filled with customers, so when the boss called at midday to say he’d been caught up and wouldn’t be able to get there ‘til after four, I thought that since I’d already handled half the day, a few more hours wouldn’t hurt me.”

  The first huge drop of rain lands halfway down on the window, startling me, and rolls quietly down toward the sill.

  “At about 3:30 a guy came into the shop asking about a dress his girlfriend had seen at another store but wasn’t available in her size. I know now that it was just a ruse to get me away from the front of the shop so no one would see me struggling or hear me screaming. How stupid was I? Why did I believe that the girlfriend sent him? Why wouldn’t she want to come in herself to try it on? Probably because there was no girlfriend and it was all a plot to get to me.”

  I push my shaky hands through my long, lifeless hair, and wipe away a lone tear as it rolls down my cheek.

  “I went out to the back room to check the racks of new clothing to look for the dress. The rest of them must have been ready nearby, because I wasn’t…” The tears are freely flowing now, and my body remembers. Every sound, every smell, every small detail.

  The whoosh of air being cut by a hand rapidly closing over my mouth.

  The sweet smell of the chloroform-soaked rag they clamped tightly over my face.

  The big, hard body that holds me against him, his arm immobilizing me.

  The deep laughter of another man who stands a few feet away, looking on and encouraging the others with his mirth.

  The way my body instantly knew that I wouldn’t survive.

  The way my brain shut down, and gave up.

  The way my mind broke because it knew I was being carried to my death.

  “I wasn’t smart enough to know that it was all a trick. They wanted me, and they knew what they were doing.”

  Staring outside at the angry clouds, I watch them as the voices scream at me. They don’t want me telling Dominic my story. They’re bellowing harshly, and the flashes of lightning from the clouds are my warning to shut up and keep the truth hidden inside.

  “When I woke up, they had my arms tied above my head and my legs spread wide open, tied to something else. My eyes were swollen almost shut so I couldn’t see them, but I could hear them. And I could feel everything they were doing to me.”

  Bolts of lightning furiously crisscross the sky.
<
br />   “They were fucking me, tearing into me.”

  Enraged thunder echoes all through the house.

  “My body was shutting down.”

  Bang – another warning from the thunder.

  “They were taking turns fucking me and urinating on me.”

  Crack – bright, clear lightning.

  “They cut me.”

  My tears won’t stop.

  “They used all of me.”

  My body is shaking uncontrollably.

  “They laughed.”

  “Shut that cunt up, will ya, Mick.”

  “They broke me.”

  My heart is pounding.

  “They should’ve killed me.”

  I can feel my coffee coming back up.

  “I wish I was dead.”

  Crash.

  Crack.

  Boom.

  Crash.

  The rain is hurtling down now, the clouds screaming at me. The thunder’s more frequent and the sky is lit up by electricity. The violence outside reminds me of the violence of what they did to me.

  “FUCK YOU!” I yell at the stormy day.

  “FUCK YOU!”

  I get off the counter and run to the back door.

  Disarming the alarm and unlocking the door with absolution.

  I don’t fucking fumble. I can’t stop. The storm wants me dead.

  I run out the back yard and stand with my arms fully extended out.

  “FUCK YOU!” I yell up at the clouds. They want me? They can fucking have me. “I’m here! Take me. Take me away. Kill me like you wanted to that day.”

  I feel Dominic close to me.

  “I hate you,” I scream. “Just fucking take me.” My tears mix with the cold, angry rain battering my body.

  “I can’t take this anymore. I’ve been punished enough.” I fall to my knees and grab my hair and tear at it, trying to feel something other than sorrow.

  “I was supposed to die!” I cry up at the monsters in the sky.

  “Take me away, please. I can’t breathe anymore. Just take me.” My head falls forward and my chin rests on my chest.

  Let me die.

  I don’t care anymore.

  “Help me live by letting me die.” My shoulders slump and I breathe what I hope will be the last breath I ever take.

  I’m in darkness, perpetual and everlasting darkness. Deep hurt, bottomless sorrow, and an eternal hopelessness. I can’t hold on anymore. The hole in my heart is so large that I’m sinking further and further into the black, an overpowering ocean raging inside me.

  I throw my arms in the air and open my eyes to look through the tears and the rain, totally destroyed and completely shattered.

  “I can’t be saved. Cocoon me in death. Just kill me.”

  And then I sob. Uncontrollably, tears freely falling down my face.

  I struggle to breathe, not wanting to.

  I don’t want to take another breath.

  Dominic wraps his arms around me and we collapse to the soaking ground together.

  “The sun is coming, Allyn.”

  Chapter 9

  Dominic

  I cradle Allyn in my arms and just let her cry. She’s shivering, but I don’t think it’s from the cold rain pelting us so relentlessly.

  She sobs into my chest. Her arms cling on to me and I do the only thing I can for a person screaming at God to take their pain away.

  I simply hold her and let her get it all out.

  I’ve dedicated the last ten days to gaining Allyn’s trust. I’ve pushed her, without her even realizing I’m doing it, all while giving her space to breathe and time to tell me what she wants me to know.

  Day by day, her walls have begun to crumble, the bulletproof barrier she had built so tightly around her finally melted away.

  “Will I ever be able to breathe again?” she asks as her gray, tear-filled eyes look at me.

  “Yes. You will be able to breathe, and eventually, you’ll start to live.” I smooth her matted hair down as she buries her face against my completely saturated chest.

  We sit on the soggy ground, not moving. Not a damn inch.

  And I don’t care that we’re being beaten by the storm.

  The clouds keep hammering us with rain so strong and forceful that I instinctively try to shelter Allyn’s trembling body with mine so she doesn’t get hurt.

  She’s absolutely at ease in my arms and her body is pressed tightly against mine.

  Allyn may have a shattered spirit, a dark, consumed mind and horrible memories that haunt her every waking moment. But there’s no denying the warmth that her body emits.

  She has the most beautiful, expressive gray eyes I’ve ever seen. They hold so much yearning for a future that’s hovering just beyond her reach.

  When she smiles, a small light bursts through her entire body, a light that comes from deep within her. Her body may hold onto the past, but Allyn’s soul craves a future of sun and warmth.

  With Allyn safely in my arms, I watch the sky above as its assault on us begins to ease. Slowly, the rain recedes, calming to a mere sprinkle.

  “I’m sorry, Dominic,” Allyn says but doesn’t move her head from my chest.

  “You have no reason to apologize.”

  She tightens her arms around me.

  I tighten mine around her.

  “You’re soaked and sitting out here in the rain because of me,” she mumbles.

  “That’s not how I see it.”

  Her sweet face looks up at me as she blinks the water away. “How do you see it?”

  “I’m not sitting in the rain, I’m supporting you.”

  “I’d like to go inside now and dry off,” she says as she moves out of the protection of my arms.

  I let her go, but…

  Instantly I miss feeling her warmth.

  Allyn stands, completely soaked through, and starts in the direction of the house. She stops and looks back over her shoulder to me.

  I’m standing up as she does this, and I see her – really see her as a woman – for the first time.

  Her beauty shines through, lighting up gray eyes in her delicate, angelic face.

  Living through her ordeal and still having any fight left in her makes her extraordinary. I see beyond the scars on her throat and face, the way her left eye droops, or even how she tries to hide her right ear because the top was bitten off.

  She’s an inspiration, and truly exceptional. She fights every day against the dark, not allowing it to take her over. And today, she finally smashed the bars of her own jailed mind, escaping toward freedom.

  She’s wonderfully stunning and doesn’t even know it.

  She turns back and takes the remaining few steps to go inside her house.

  “Allyn,” I call to her.

  She stops again and turns around toward me.

  “You may have come out here to yell at the world, but you took those steps. You decided to face your pain and not let it defeat you. No one made you do this.” I move my hands indicating that we’re outside.

  Allyn retraces her steps until she’s standing before me.

  “It’s time for me to let the broken go,” she says as her eyes focus on the neckline of my t-shirt.

  Her words stun me.

  She’s yelled and she’s cried.

  And now she knows it’s time for her to start healing.

  “I’m going to get you a towel and then I’ll get changed.” Allyn smiles wanly and heads back inside to her warm house.

  I get to her back porch and take my drenched shoes and socks off. Picking them up, I take them to the front entrance and leave them by the door. Allyn comes downstairs carrying a large towel, hands it to me, and disappears back upstairs.

  I dry off as much as I can in the guest bathroom next to the mud room. I take my clothes off and wring them as dry as I can into the sink before I put them back on and head out to the kitchen.

  “Allyn, I’m going to go,” I say as I see her standing in the kitchen wa
iting for the kettle to boil. I don’t want to leave her, but I wasn’t prepared for today either. She may need me right now, but I also need to give her the space to assess what’s happened for herself.

  “Dominic,” she calls to me as I turn to get my knapsack.

  “Yeah?” I turn to look at her.

  “Thank you. What you did for me is just…” She doesn’t finish the sentence, I think by the way she’s biting her lip and her eyebrows are knitted together, she simply doesn’t know how to express what she feels.

  “You did it all on your own, Allyn.” I pick my bag up and move toward the front door.

  Allyn is right behind me. I can hear her feather-light footsteps following me.

  “Tomorrow I’d like sit out in the back yard and have a coffee, as long as it’s not raining,” I tell her as I pick my shoes and socks up.

  “I think I can do that now,” she says, nodding her head.

  “I’ll see you tomorrow. Call me if you want to talk.” I’ve already given her my direct numbers in case she needs me.

  “Dominic?”

  “What is it?” I ask as I step on to the front porch.

  “You gave me the courage to open the door.”

  Satisfaction – and something else – surges through me.

  Chapter 10

  I lock the door behind Dominic and watch as he gets in his dark red BMW and drives away. I think I see him turn back toward the house before he leaves, or maybe he didn’t. Maybe it’s my imagination. I do need a person in my life that I can trust…but is Dominic that person? Maybe my mind’s just playing tricks on me.

  While we sat outside in the pounding rain, Dominic’s arms wrapped tightly around me, it felt right.

  Like that’s where I belong, secure in his embrace. Against his chest I felt safe and comfortable.

  But I know that he’s my doctor and nothing more. It probably is all in my mind.

  And I’m also well aware that just because I finally was able to open that fucking door and step outside, I’m far from being healed.

  I may never work right again. My heart may never reach the potential for love it once had, which could inhibit any sort of intimate relationship I may want to experience.