A Life Less Broken

by Margaret McHeyzer

  But with Dominic…

  The way he held me against his firm torso.

  How his arms felt around my body.

  The way he smoothed my hair down with his big, masculine hands. He used them to soothe me, not to hurt me, like they did.

  Or even the small kiss he pressed into my hair as I sobbed, crying uncontrollably into his chest. They’re all things a man would do for the person he cherishes.

  I’m just his patient, and he’s only my doctor.

  There’s also the gap in our ages. I’m twenty-three, while I think that Dominic is closer to if not already forty.

  The age difference is enough to set us apart.

  But does age really matter?

  Would it make a difference to me if I saw an older man with a younger woman, walking down the street together holding hands? I don’t think so.

  What really bothers me is that I don’t know a lot about Dominic, and even if the attraction I imagine is real, my mind and body are too broken to be able to give him what he wants and needs.

  Turning away from the door, I take myself into the bathroom and strip as I turn on the water for a hot shower.

  There are no mirrors anywhere in my home, so I can’t look at the disgusting, disfigured person that would stare back in the reflection.

  I wouldn’t be able to look at that woman and feel anything but pity for her.

  But when I look down at my body, I can see horrid reminders of the day I was taken.

  The bite marks all over my stomach have mostly faded, but I can still see the outlines of them.

  There was a cut across my right breast where they sliced off my nipple and left a hole. Where I should have an areola, there is now just a surgically stitched-together lump.

  I would feel pity if I could go out on the street and saw someone with a scar starting behind her left ear running down to her collar bone. Another ugly reminder that they wanted me dead, but they didn’t succeed.

  And the huge bite mark on my right shoulder that’s still so clear I can see individual tooth marks.

  My body is a walking keepsake, holding memories I can never get rid of.

  Scars that tell a story I’d rather forget.

  A story that still plagues me with night terrors. A story so desperately tragic, that you’d be forgiven if you doubted it was real.

  But real is exactly what it is to me; my body is the proof that it happened.

  In the shower, I begin to lather my hands and run them over every ridge and scar embedded in my skin.

  I don’t remember how I got all of them, since I was in and out of consciousness. But when I was in hospital, the nurses described them to me.

  I cried.

  And I wished my life had ended.

  I hoped I’d be able to simply stop breathing in my sleep.

  Now I stand in the shower and let the warm water wash over me as I think about the magnitude of what happened today. I fought my demons head on. I stood up and showed them that I can fight.

  I showed me that I can fight.

  Maybe I can leave my broken life behind and slowly let the shards of me mend.

  I’ll never be whole. There will always be cracks, but maybe…

  Maybe I’ll be okay.

  I turn the water off, step out of shower, and wrap a large bath towel around my hideous body. Walking into my bedroom, I get my pajamas ready before drying myself. As I pull open my panty drawer, my eye is drawn outside. Something cobalt blue flies by. When I turn and walk to my bedroom window, the most brilliant blue jay rests on the window sill.

  I stand inside, admiring the sheer beauty of its feathers. The color is so vivid and so arresting that all I can do is stand still and marvel at its splendor.

  Within seconds the blue jay flies away, but I’m left with an inspiring image of the dazzling bird as it spreads its wings and soars freely through the sky.

  I can’t make my feet move or my brain think of anything other than that blue jay. I stand, I don’t know for how long, in front of the bedroom window just looking at the spot where the bird landed.

  I can’t recall seeing a blue jay in the past three years.

  Have they been here all along, waiting for me to notice and appreciate their beauty?

  The blue jay graced me with one moment of elegance before it remembered its freedom and flew away.

  Was the blue jay asking me to look at myself and assess the significance of what happened today?

  Was that me, stretching my wings?

  Was today my first small step to finding my own independence?

  Chapter 11

  Lying in bed and staring up at the ceiling, I let my mind drift back to yesterday. For the first time since I came home from the hospital, I opened the door and went outside.

  I didn’t just walk outside, I ran outside.

  I was so mad at the storm and the universe it represented that I couldn’t unlock the doors fast enough to get out there and just scream at it. But is going outside again, without the rage, something I can do?

  Dominic said that he wants to have his coffee outside if it’s not raining, and right now I’m praying it’s going to rain. However, the sun seems to be streaming happily in through my bedroom window, paying no heed to my wishes.

  I’m not sure going outside today will come as easily for me. Yesterday, I was in a mindless state of fury that had me breaking down my own barriers, but today… I’m not so confident.

  Getting out of bed, I wonder if the blue jay from yesterday will come back to visit. I go over to the window seat and just stare out. The majestic tree outside the window gently sways as light wind sings through its branches.

  I can do this. I can break the shackles of fear that imprison me and I can try to move on. With Dominic to support me, I believe I can free myself.

  I dress in jeans and a long-sleeved sweater and go downstairs to make a coffee. It’s already nearing ten and I know that Dominic will be here soon. As I stand in the kitchen and look out my window, there’s an uncomfortable feeling in my throat as I swallow.

  Yesterday’s angry rain has stopped. Today the sky is filled with blue skies and gentle, fluffy, white clouds that float so effortlessly in the atmosphere. They move against the light blue background, allowing me to breathe easy for the first time in a long time.

  I’m not really sure how to feel about going outside today. It requires what now seems a bold sort of freedom, something I haven’t experienced since the day I was taken. It’s like a light has been lit, and now is the time for me to let that illumination guide me to a better, more hopeful place.

  Sipping my coffee, I’m totally captivated by the magical mystery of the clouds. They talk to me; they yell at me; they scream at me; they soothe me.

  But when they’re angry, they never let me forget.

  Ring.

  Ring, ring.

  My phone snaps me out of my preoccupation and brings me back to reality.

  “Hello,” I say into the phone.

  “Do I get to come inside today?” Dominic says.

  “Are you here already?” I go to the front door. I turn the alarm off, open the heavy wooden door, and unlock the mesh door.

  We both hang up at the same time.

  “I was wondering if you were going to let me in. I’ve been knocking for a few minutes.”

  “Sorry, I was just looking outside and thinking.” I look down and see he’s got two calico bags in his hands. “What’s that?” I ask as I point to the bags.

  “It’s a little early for lunch, but I thought we could have a picnic.”

  My heart instantly pounds in my chest, bile shoots to the back of my throat and my stomach contracts in a giant knot.

  “I…I… I…” I can barely speak. I run to the bathroom and throw up my morning coffee. I sit in front of the toilet bowl and dry retch as my stomach continues to spasm and hurt.

  “Allyn,” Dominic says as he comes into the bathroom.

  I look at him and shake my head ‘no�
�� as my stomach continues heaving, even though nothing’s coming up.

  Dominic kneels beside me and holds my hair back as my stomach continues its ruthless rebellion.

  “What happened, Allyn?” he asks as tears form behind my eyelids but don’t dare break through.

  “I can’t go on a picnic with you.”

  “Why not?”

  “I can’t go anywhere, Dominic. I’m not ready, I’m too, too, I…” I pause to gather my thoughts. “I’m too frightened.”

  “I was thinking more like your backyard. It’s such a beautiful day and I wanted us to sit out in the sun.”

  My stomach calms and my heart slows from its rapid palpitations.

  “You mean you don’t want to take me away from here?”

  “No, Allyn.” He shakes his head. “You’re not ready for that. One day we’ll go out, but for today I just want us to enjoy the fresh air and the sensation of the breeze on our skin. And I made my best wraps ever, I have strawberries and blueberries, and of course, cheese and crackers,” he says as he smoothes my hair to the side.

  “You made all that?” I ask as I stand from the floor. I go to the sink and get a spare tooth brush I keep here for emergencies.

  “Not only that, but I also made my secret recipe lemonade. It’s so secret that only about three million people know the recipe…alright, I cheated. I Googled how to make lemonade,” he says, and throws his head back and laughs. “I’ll wait for you in the kitchen.” He walks out and lets me brush my teeth without watching over me.

  When I’m done, I can hear Dominic humming a song. I follow the deep, hypnotic sound and find him sitting in his chair waiting for me.

  “What song were you humming?”

  “All Of Me by John Legend. Have you heard it?”

  “No I haven’t.”

  “I’ll have to play it for you; it’s truly a gorgeous song. Anyway, all I need from you is two glasses for my secret recipe lemonade and for you to open that back door so we can go outside.”

  I get two tall glasses from the cabinet and take slow, cautious steps to the back door. I turn the alarm off and just stand for a moment looking at the lock.

  There’s a battle happening in my head. Part of me wants to open the door as easily as I did yesterday. But another part is telling me that monsters can’t come inside my house if I keep the door closed and stay inside.

  Open it.

  Keep it locked.

  Open the fucking door, Allyn.

  They’ll come back to get you.

  Open the damn door.

  Never unlock it.

  Dominic starts humming the same song, and the deep tone of his voice eases me back to the present.

  “Do you like chicken?” he asks nonchalantly. “I hope so, ‘cause I made us chicken, avocado and lettuce wraps. Well, I didn’t make the bread, I bought that. But I put everything else together to make the wraps.”

  I look over my shoulder at him and he’s standing a few feet away from me, smirking a cute little smile, waiting for me to open the door.

  “I brought a picnic blanket too, so we don’t need to sit on the damp grass.”

  I put my hand on the doorknob and close my eyes, willing myself to just open the fucking door.

  “If you like, you can bring a pillow out so you can lie under the sun and soak up some of those tantalizing rays.”

  “I used to love the sun,” I say as I lean my forehead up against the door. The cool of the wood instantly travels through my body and calms the heat pulsating through every part of me.

  “And one day soon, you’ll learn to love it again. Starting with today. We can just sit and have our lunch, and when we’re done we’ll pack up and you can come back inside. But for now we need to feed our bodies so we can nourish our minds.”

  I unlock the first lock.

  “I was going to make,” he coughs, “that is, buy, a hazelnut cake for us, but I didn’t know if you have nut allergies. Do you have any sort of allergies?”

  “No, not to my knowledge, but I’m not keen on a lot of red meat. I prefer chicken and turkey. And I don’t like cauliflower, that stuff is just gross.”

  “Yeah I’m not keen on it either,” Dominic says.

  I unlock the second lock and crack the door open a few inches.

  “I have strawberries and blueberries too. I’m hoping they haven’t gotten too squashed in the bag. If they are we’ll just put them in the glasses with our lemonade and call it punch.”

  I pull the door open further.

  “Do you have a favorite cheese? I love brie, or is it camembert? Those two look and taste the same to me, I mean they’re both covered in that white stuff and they both taste great. But you know what I don’t like? Blue cheese. I mean they inject the cheese with that stuff to make it go all veiny. It smells like socks to me, not that I stick my nose near stinky socks or anything, but that’s how I imagine dirty socks would smell.”

  The door is completely open now and I’m standing one small step from being outside.

  I turn and look at Dominic, and his encouraging smile is trying to reassure me.

  “You’re so close, Allyn.” His voice is gentle. “Step outside and breathe.”

  I lift my foot and place it on the other side of the door frame.

  “Today is a good day to live,” he says, but doesn’t move toward me. He’s doing what he always does, giving me space and letting me do this on my own terms.

  “Today’s a good day to finally see, Dominic.” And I step entirely outside.

  The sun bathes me in her bright, warm rays.

  “I think here’s a good spot, what do you think, Allyn?” Dominic calls from halfway down the back yard.

  “Sure,” I say as I walk to meet him.

  He shakes the picnic blanket and spreads it out, then slips off his sport shoes to sit on it. He starts taking out all the food from one of the calico bags and lays it all out on the blanket.

  “You know, food tastes better when you sit down and make conversation with the other person,” Dominic says as he gestures for me to sit opposite him.

  I also slip my shoes off and sit cross-legged on the blanket facing him.

  “Now regardless of how bad this tastes, you’re only allowed to praise my efforts.”

  I find myself smiling at his silly sense of humor.

  “Dominic, this tastes fantastic, I’ve never had anything so good,” I sarcastically tease him.

  “Can you at least take a bite before you say it? It makes it more believable that way.”

  “Do you want children?” I ask, completely changing the conversation.

  Dominic coughs a little, then regains his composure.

  “They’ve never been something that I’ve seriously considered. The thought has crossed my mind, but I’ve never been one hundred percent ready for children.”

  “Are you married?”

  “I was, and I suppose technically I still am, at least until the divorce is finalized.”

  “And you didn’t want a child with your wife?”

  “The thought did occur to me in an abstract way, but like I said, I never really considered it. And my wife didn’t want a baby so we really never discussed it seriously.”

  “I never knew if I wanted a child, but now I can’t conceive.” I look up toward the sun and close my eyes.

  “Why?”

  “Because of what they did. They took that away from me along with everything else they broke.”

  “If and when you’re ready, there are always other options available if you want to be a mother. Your chances aren’t totally destroyed.”

  I look over to Dominic who’s now pouring us some of his lemonade. He hands me a glass and when I sip it, it’s incredibly tart. I can’t help but screw my eyes shut, and I must make a funny face because Dominic bursts into laughter.

  He takes a sip and screws his face up.

  “Shit, I think I forgot the sugar.”

  “I think you forgot the sugar, too.”
>
  “Oh well, looks like we’ll have to have water then. I’ll go get us some.” He stands, puts his sport shoes on and goes inside to get water for us.

  I look toward the house and when I look back to the picnic blanket, I’m completely speechless and totally stunned at what sits neatly beside my knee.

  A single brilliant blue feather.

  Chapter 12

  Waking up today is torture. My entire body is achy; my throat feels like I’m swallowing razor blades, and I think I have a fever.

  I can’t move without pain shooting through every part of me.

  I can hear Dominic knocking downstairs but I can’t force myself to get out of bed and let him in. I reach for my phone but the moment my hand comes out from under the blanket, a rippling cold chill washes over my body.

  My teeth are chattering so hard I can hear them, and I’m shaking with the cold.

  Just as I grasp the phone in my hand, Dominic calls me.

  “He-he-hello,” I stutter through the shivers.

  “Allyn, open the fucking door. What’s happening?” He sounds so worried and stressed.

  “Si-sick, go aw-away,” I try and say.

  “Not likely, come and open the door now.”

  “N-n-nooo, too si-si-sick.” I just can’t get warm no matter how much I ball myself up.

  “Open the damn door, Allyn or I’ll call the police and get them to beat it down.”

  “Fi-fi-fine.”

  I drag myself downstairs and let Dominic in. The moment he is in through the door, he immediately puts his palm against my forehead and looks into my eyes.

  “Have you got Tylenol?”

  “K-k-kitchen,” I say as I wrap my arms around myself.

  “Do you want me to carry you up to bed?”

  I shake my head as I start back upstairs toward my room.

  “I’ll be up in a moment with some Tylenol.”

  Slowly, I make my way back into bed, pulling all the blankets up around my chin.

  I hear his heavy footsteps on the stairs.

  “Here you go,” Dominic says, handing me two tablets to take with a glass of water.

  DOMINIC

  She’s shivering and she’s so pale.