A Life Less Broken

by Margaret McHeyzer

  I giggle at his playfulness. Dominic places a bowl in front of me and takes a carafe of lemonade out of the fridge. He carefully pours tall glasses for both of us.

  “Thank you,” I say. “This all looks delicious.” I bring the glass to my lips and take a small sip of lemonade. “It’s zesty and flavorful, with just the right amount of sugar.”

  Dominic expels a huge breath and smiles as he tastes his lemonade. “Ummm, it really is quite good,” he says admiring his own work.

  Dominic sits down and we both start dinner in happy, high spirits.

  “Are you ready to meet my family on Sunday?”

  “I am, actually. But I’m more excited to share your birthday with you.”

  “Ugh, don’t remind me of that.” He smiles at me merrily and takes another bite of his dinner.

  “Hmmm, thirty-nine, what can I possibly give you?”

  “There’s nothing that I want but you.”

  A small grin curls my mouth, but I remain quiet as we continue with our tasty dinner.

  “It’s time to take the paper off,” Dominic urges quietly as I stand in front of the mirror. He’s standing behind me.

  With shaky hands, I peel off the little bit of tape at the top right corner that’s securing the beige paper to the wooden frame.

  My breathing is accelerated and those pesky butterflies are fluttering around inside my stomach, trying to burst through.

  I can feel myself chewing on the inside of my cheek as I argue with myself about removing the paper.

  Throwing it away once and for all.

  Removing the beige from my life.

  Dominic slides his hand onto my hip.

  “Do you know just how beautiful you are?”

  “I’m scarred, Dominic.”

  “I love your smile.” He drags his mouth across the junction of my shoulder and neck.

  “My lips are thin.”

  “I adore your expressive, stormy eyes.” He moves his mouth a little further up my neck.

  “My left eye droops and I can’t see properly out of it.”

  Dominic’s hand moves around to my abdomen and he spreads his fingers wide as he pulls me against his powerful chest.

  “Every time you kiss me, I know I’ve been blessed.” His lips linger just below my ear, not touching me. His warm breath is like an electrical current, zapping my skin and causing instant embers of lust to glow with intensity.

  “I’m seeing more and more color because of you,” I sigh as my head rests against Dominic’s chest.

  “Rip away the beige and look at the perfect woman who stands before me.”

  I open my eyes and reach up to the tape. Without hesitation I rip it in one fluid down motion, taking a third of the paper off.

  I catch a glimpse of the broken girl doing the same thing I am. I stop momentarily to look at her.

  “Don’t stop, Allyn, tear the rest of it off,” Dominic encourages me.

  I close my eyes, take a deep breath, and with Dominic standing behind me, snap my eyes open and shred the fucking beige.

  Dominic moves the paper out of the way. I stand in front of the mirror, studying the pale, sad girl looking back at me.

  Everything else in the room dissolves into nothingness as I look at the girl with strawberry blonde hair.

  It feels like my heart stops beating. The blood in my veins turns icy.

  “I didn’t realize just how vile I actually am.” I reach up to touch my lips as I look at the reflection of my broken eye.

  “I see beauty there.” Dominic’s hand snakes around to rest over my heart. “And courage here.” He pets my hair with his free hand. “Strength radiates off you, Allyn.” His lips meet my cheek and I continue to stare at me.

  “I’ve not seen myself properly for so many years that now I’m appalled by how I look.”

  “You see a woman scarred, I see the woman I love.”

  I turn my head to look at Dominic. “How can you say you love me? I’m nowhere near attractive.”

  “Because your body might be scarred, your soul may be broken, but I see the brilliant light that comes from deep inside you. Don’t you see it? It’s not about me loving you, but about you loving me. You’ve brought me back to life, Allyn. You’ve given me breath when I thought I was never going to find that spark again. And I found it, with you.”

  I turn my body so I’m facing Dominic.

  He shakes his head and gently turns me back around.

  “You need to face yourself, Allyn. You need to see the amazing woman that I see.”

  Dominic steps out of the reflection. Maybe he’s gone downstairs; maybe he’s waiting in the hall outside my bedroom. I don’t know. All I know is I’m alone now with my reflection.

  My eyes find my reflection again in the mirror. The monsters in my head laugh at me. They’re telling me how ugly I am.

  They yell at me, screaming in their angriest voices just how vulgar and disgusting I am. Telling me how they see me, how the world perceives me. How I look at myself.

  My shoulders are slumped down and my head is slightly lowered. I look defeated, with no pride in myself. My face is so, worn. So used and crushed, with my droopy eye and the scars that my eyes automatically draw to. I lift my hair and tilt my head looking at where the top of my right ear has been bitten off.

  I look mutilated.

  “You’re shockingly marked,” they shout at me. “No one could want you,” they taunt me. “Your body is ugly. Look at your throat.”

  I tilt my head and look at the knife mark that runs along my throat. I lift my hand and slowly run my fingertips down the length of the scar. The angry, red mark feels bumpy from start to finish, but it’s so soft.

  “Why are you so mad at me?” I ask the woman looking at me, talking to the monsters she’s brought with her. “I didn’t choose this. I didn’t ask to be taken, or knifed, or raped. So why do you look at me with so much hate?”

  The woman says nothing in return. I hear the monsters chuckle.

  “Why are you so angry? You can’t look at me without hellfire burning from your eyes. They did this; they took me and hurt me. I didn’t volunteer to be brutalized and debased, they did it.” I point out the door.

  “It’s not on me!” I yell as my hand beats against my chest. “It’s on them!” I scream at the woman in the mirror. “Don’t hate me because of what they did to me.”

  But the eyes of the woman looking back at me are filled with pity behind the anger.

  “They did it. Not me,” I whisper to her. A tear rolls down her face and she swipes at it with her fingertips, but her sad eyes remain glued to mine.

  I know she’s trying to tell me something, but I can’t understand her yet.

  “Tell me,” I say as sit on the floor. The woman in the mirror does, too.

  “I need to know why you hate me so much.”

  She continues to gaze at me with the sorrow that covers her entire being. It breaks my heart.

  “Please, I need to understand why you resent me so. Have I taken something for granted and not realized it? Have I betrayed you in some way?”

  She doesn’t falter; she doesn’t move. She simply looks utterly lost.

  I bury my face into my hands and try to breathe through the pain.

  I look back at the woman and bring my legs up to hug my knees. She copies me, wrapping her arms around her legs, too. I lean my chin onto my knees and stare at my fragmented doppelganger.

  “My life isn’t worth living if you can’t explain why you hold so much venom toward me. I need to know why, in order to go on.” I look away from her tortured eyes.

  “I do resent you,” she responds in a quiet, almost inaudible voice.

  My eyes fly to hers and we’re locked in a staring match.

  “Why do you resent me?” I ask with sheer desperation soaking my voice. But she continues to look at me with nothing more than the same grief she’s held ever since the paper came off the mirror.

  She remains quiet.


  I close my eyes and let my head rest onto my knees.

  “I resent you because you choose to stay broken,” she says a little louder. I don’t dare lift my head or she’ll stop talking again. “You fought so hard to stay alive when it happened, but now you fight equally hard not to live. And I resent you for stopping us from living.”

  Is that what I’m doing?

  Not living?

  I lift my head and see her staring hopefully at me. She’s made her very valid point and it’s forced me to re-evaluate myself.

  “You want me to forget what they did? To pretend it didn’t happen? To act as if it won’t happen again?” I ask her. But she’s quiet. “I can’t forget. I’ll never be able to.” I look out the window and see the blue jay sitting on the window sill.

  “No, don’t forget. Don’t pretend. Just start living. For you, for me, and for all those who love you,” she whispers quietly.

  At that very moment, the blue jay spreads his wings and takes a leap of faith, confident his wings will carry him.

  “Allyn,” Dominic gently calls to me.

  I stand and turn to look at him. For the first time in three years, I feel almost free.

  “Are you alright? You’ve been in here for over an hour.”

  Without concern, I run into his arms and snuggle against his chest as he holds me close in his warmth.

  “I’m better than alright,” I say as I smile against his chest.

  I open my mind, and resolve that I too will take a leap of faith and let my wings carry me to freedom.

  Chapter 25

  Dominic and I sit on the sofa as he flicks through the channels looking for a movie that we both want to watch.

  He stops on a wrestling tournament and I roll my eyes. What is with men and wrestling?

  Looking away, I try to hide my scorn, but when Dominic turns his head I fake a yawn and look away.

  “Is this boring you?” he asks.

  “Hmmm, looks like you may be the new Sherlock Holmes,” I tease with a smile.

  “Did you just huff at me?” He moves a little closer to me on the lounge.

  “Not entirely, what I did was roll my eyes at you and yawn, not huff. Two entirely different things, Dr. Shriver.”

  I chance a look at him and he’s gaping at me with an eyebrow lifted, though he definitely sees the humor because the corners of his lips are lifted.

  “And you just called me Dr. Shriver, I thought I told you that it makes me sound like a pompous old ass.”

  “Well you are turning thirty-nine in three days’ time. All I’m saying is that if the title fits…” I look away trying my hardest to conceal the giggle that’s bursting to escape.

  Dominic scoots over so he’s now sitting way too close to me. There’s a menacing twinkle in his eyes. I have a feeling tumbling around deep inside of me that he’s about to tickle me.

  With snake-like speed his hand darts out, wraps it around my upper arm and pulls me to him. There’s only one spot I’m ticklish, and that’s the soles of my feet. If I can keep them firmly planted on the ground, there’s no way he’ll be able to figure it out.

  He digs his fingers into my waist and tries to tickle me.

  “Really? You think I’m ticklish?” I try to deny the truth, praying that he doesn’t go for my feet.

  “Aren’t you? You’ve gotta be ticklish under your arms.”

  I lift my arms over my head and give him a daring look.

  “Huh, under your chin?” he asks as he tries tickling me there.

  I giggle to try and throw him off track, but his eyes narrow and a huge grin lights up his face.

  Oh no, I think I’m in trouble.

  He grabs my calf and lifts my foot in one smooth action and starts tickling the sole of my foot with feather-light touches.

  I’m wriggling maniacally on the sofa, trying my hardest to get away from him, but at the same time I’m laughing so hard that I can’t catch my breath.

  “St…” I try and tell him to stop but he’s now got both my feet in his one big hand and is concentrating on tickling them.

  “St…” I breathe between gales of laughter.

  Dominic’s kneeling on the floor in front of me and leans down. He bites the edge of my foot, not hard, but with enough pressure to cause me to gulp and instantly stop laughing.

  Dominic looks up at me and his fun, carefree nature is now gone, replaced by a heated blaze deep within his eyes.

  He brings my foot to his face and kisses the arch, then does the same with my other foot.

  A warm turbulence starts building within me, a need that I’ve not felt for three years.

  Dominic slides his hands up my calves with pleasing pressure. He tightens his grip like he’s giving me a massage. His mouth skims up my left leg, just giving me small, arousing nips from my ankle to my knee.

  He stops at the knee and nibbles softly, laving me with his wet, raspy tongue before taking skin in his mouth and gently pulling it between his teeth.

  I close my eyes, rest my head on the giant, fluffy pillow behind me, and allow myself to feel how beautiful this moment is.

  Dominic moves his mouth and his hands to mid-thigh and slowly inches a little further up.

  My body stiffens beneath his touch and Dominic moves his mouth away from me but keeps his hands on my thighs.

  “Nothing has to happen,” he reassures me with his words.

  I sit up so I can see him, and give him a small, wan smile. “I want to try, but I’m not sure how far I’ll be able to take this. I don’t want to disappoint you again.”

  “We’ll only go as far as you’re comfortable. Tell me to stop, and I will,” he says as he continues to stare into my eyes and stroke my thighs.

  I’m captivated by his stunning face, his square jawline, his slightly crooked nose, and his deep, dark brown eyes, I want this. I want to accept his body and complete our union.

  But I can’t push myself to a point where I’ll revert to the recluse I was a few short months ago.

  Still, I want to try.

  Dominic’s relentless mouth slowly lowers to my thigh. I watch him lay kiss upon kiss on me as he slowly moves up my leg. My legs spread wider to accommodate his body and he pushes my skirt to the top of my thighs.

  “Is this okay, sweetheart?” There’s an ardent undertone in his voice, and scorching heat is emanating from his hands as they gently creep toward my covered sex.

  “Yes,” I sigh, struggling to breathe through a salacious need.

  His fingers gently stroke me through my panties. My body tightens, then relaxes as I continue to stare in Dominic’s eyes. He slides his hand under the material and carefully inserts a finger into me, testing me to make sure I’m alright with this, giving me time to adjust.

  Not once does he look away from my eyes, and his searing gaze holds me connected to him. He twirls the finger inside me and slowly adds a second, stretching me as he moves them in and out slowly, then more quickly. He scissors his fingers and the action causes me to wince, but the pain lasts for no more than a few seconds before it morphs into pleasure, overtaking my entire body.

  Hunger rises from deep within me, and my hips start rolling as Dominic continues to move his fingers in and out, up then down, deep inside then right to the edge of my sex. His thumb moves to circle over my clit, and suddenly, I’m right on the edge.

  My breath becomes labored and my eyes close so I can concentrate on this exquisite, bubbling feeling that’s taking my body hostage.

  Without warning, Dominic speeds up and my body flings off the sofa as a harsh cry of pleasure rips from my throat.

  My heart’s racing as unparalleled satisfaction soaks into of every part of my body.

  Dominic’s mouth silences my gasping breath as he sits beside me and pulls me to lean against him.

  “Thank you,” I whisper as I move to straddle his legs. I reach down and pull his t-shirt over his head, not able to keep my hands from stroking his tight chest.

  His ar
ousal is pressing against my sex and I move my hips a little to get more of him near me. Despite having just climaxed, the friction is tantalizing. I move my hands to the button on his trousers.

  “You don’t have to,” he says as he covers my hands with his, stilling my movement.

  “I want to. I want to try and give you pleasure.”

  He exhales a huge breath and nods just slightly as he removes his hand. I move off him, and he takes his trousers and boxers off in one movement.

  Wow, he’s beautiful to look at. Everywhere.

  I tenderly wrap my hand around his shaft, but my fingers don’t close around his girth. I slide my hand up to the tip of his cock and just trace the slit with my index finger.

  An unrecognizable groan bursts past Dominic’s mouth. “Grip me a little harder,” he says as he tightens his fingers around mine to show me the pressure that he likes.

  Moving up and down the length of him, I maintain the grip he showed me. “Am I doing okay? I’ve only ever done this once before. I’m sorry if I’m doing it wrong.”

  “Sweetheart, your touch is so wonderful. Grab my balls with your other hand and squeeze them gently as you pull.”

  I watch his face to make sure I’m not hurting him, but he doesn’t look like he’s in pain. Well, not any sort of bad pain.

  “A little quicker on the strokes, and a little harder as you pull my balls,” he rasps breathing heavily.

  I follow his commands and watch as his face is overtaken with pleasure. I know that feeling. He gave it to me only a little while ago.

  “I need you to kiss me, but don’t stop what you’re doing with your hands.” His jaw is tense and tight and he slightly bucks up into my hand. Leaning over, I kiss him.

  And kiss him.

  And damn well keep kissing him.

  His touch is fevered. His fingers are laced tightly in my hair, holding my lips to his. His hips buck strongly in my hands.

  With my mouth dancing over his and our hearts beating wildly we find the perfect rhythm to continue our ballet.

  “Infinity,” Dominic mumbles against my lips, his breathing heavy. “That’s how much I love you.”