A Life Less Broken

by Margaret McHeyzer

  “Doesn’t that cause an issue for your doctor-patient relationship? Isn’t there a code of ethics you should be upholding?” He crosses his arms in front of him and plants his feet hip-width apart. I can tell he’s not entirely pleased with the idea of Allyn and me together.

  “Technically, yes. But I can’t help who I’ve fallen for, sir. She’s an amazing woman.”

  “She’s survived a lot. I don’t want her to have to survive you too. You’re considerably older than Allyn, and when you decide that she’s too young for you and dump her, she’ll be back where she started, if not worse.”

  “I understand your concern, but that’s not going to happen. Allyn is wise beyond her years, and she’s perfect just the way she is.”

  George takes a step closer to me.

  “You’re aware that she’ll never work again? She’ll never be able to go out on her own, and she’ll be living in fear the rest of her life?”

  “Sir, with all due respect, but I think Allyn is much stronger than you think and she will certainly be able to do everything you’ve just listed and much more.”

  “She can’t give you children.”

  “I know all about what those monsters did to her.”

  “Why is a thirty-eight year old man, who seems quite intelligent, financially secure and handsome, not married with his own family?”

  Oh shit. I’m going to have to tell him something about Chelsea.

  “Truthfully, I am married.” I see George’s face turn ashen as his hands ball up into fists. “I’m waiting for my divorce to come through any day now. My brother is my lawyer and he worked hard to fast-track it, but I still need to wait for it to be finalized, and even he can’t hurry that up.”

  George retreats one step, and unclasps his hands. He turns to look out on the small, lively garden and leans up against the railing while he takes in a huge gulp of air.

  “Sir, may I be honest with you?” I take a step closer and mimic his position and posture.

  “Of course.”

  “Allyn is the most important person in my life. I can’t even think about not being with her. I’ll protect her, I’ll nurture her, and I’ll help her heal. I know I’ll never find anyone who touches my heart as deeply as Allyn does.”

  “But her scars…,” her father starts.

  “Are inconsequential. I don’t even see them; I never have,” I respond.

  “But the age difference…”

  “Will only matter to the haters. And unfortunately, they’re everywhere. I pay them no due, because their opinion means nothing to me. Only Allyn’s opinion matters. If she’ll let me, I’ll stay with her until the very last breath I take.”

  A prolonged silence passes between us. George must be considering what I’ve said. The intensity of the moment makes the pounding of my heart reverberate loudly in my ears, as I allow the father of the woman I love to digest my honest words.

  “Do you know what, Dominic?” He waits for me to respond.

  “No Sir, what?”

  “I think you’d best call me George.”

  Chapter 23

  “Guess what?” Dominic says as he gets off the phone with his brother.

  “What?”

  “I’ve got two things to tell you, actually. First, the mirror will be delivered this afternoon.” He looks at the clock that hangs over TV, and then looks back at me. “It’ll be here in about an hour.”

  Shit. I stiffen and feel the fear slowly creep into me, and a wave of nausea grips my stomach.

  “Okay, that’s good. I guess.” I’m not fooling Dominic. He knows how stressed I am.

  “And a second thing just happened.” He stops talking and in four large strides embraces me in a huge bear hug. “My divorce has been finalized,” he murmurs as he kisses my forehead.

  “I’m really happy for you, Dominic.” I nuzzle closer into him, trying to draw strength from the intimacy between us.

  Dominic’s body vibrates with elation and I can feel his good mood penetrating straight through to my soul. Things are looking up for us. I’m getting a mirror in here, and his divorce is finally settled.

  Despite my momentary fear, I can’t help but feel jubilation at everything that’s happening for us. And for me.

  Two short months ago I slept with a knife under my pillow, and couldn’t go further than three steps without checking for my panic button. I was absolutely enshrouded by a massive cloud of terror and fear.

  Today, that knife is in a drawer in the kitchen. The panic button has been retired to the hallway table, and I even leave the wooden door open to let fresh air into my home.

  Standing in Dominic’s embrace, I can’t help but think that all of this has been made possible only by the amazing efforts of the man I love.

  “Dominic?”

  “Hmmm,” he murmurs as his hands softly trail up and down on either side of my spine.

  “I love you,” I whisper in the tiniest of voices. A burn flashes through me as I realize what I’ve admitted.

  Dominic’s hands stop the sensual movements on my back. He moves away slightly so he can kiss my nose then leans down so our foreheads are touching.

  “Say it again,” he demands, “but you need to say it louder.”

  “I love you.” My stomach is still churning and I don’t know if this moment was the right time for me to tell him. But I don’t care. I’ve been through so much shit in my life that I need him to know how I feel. He’s the one for me, and I don’t give a damn about the timing.

  He cups my face and tips it up so I look into his mesmerizing, blazing orbs.

  “My heart is yours. My soul belongs to you because I love you with everything that I am,” he whispers.

  The affection in my heart increases with every word that passes Dominic’s lips, and tears fall freely from my eyes.

  He loves me.

  “Are those happy tears?” Dominic wipes my cheeks with the pad of his thumbs. “Even crying, you’re still the most beautiful woman I’ve ever met.”

  My emotions heighten with every morsel of sound that Dominic says.

  “Sweetheart?” I look up at Dominic and his eyes narrow with concern, most likely because I haven’t been able to speak yet.

  A smile dances on my lips as I gather the right words for Dominic. But I don’t know what those words should be. “Thank you for loving me. I didn’t think anyone ever would again.”

  The edges of his mouth lift and his eyes soften. His hands rest at the small of my back.

  “I love you,” Dominic affirms.

  We stand together, quite content to simply share this embrace.

  Before long, there’s a knock at the front door and we both know that it’s the delivery of the mirror.

  I instantly stiffen and instinctively resist allowing anyone into my home. Dominic must sense my trepidation, holding me closer to him.

  “Do you want to wait in the kitchen?” he asks.

  I just nod my head without saying a word.

  “Okay, how about you make us each a coffee then? I’ll be back in a moment, as soon as they leave.”

  My heart’s beating so rapidly that I feel like I’m heading straight into a panic attack.

  You can do this, Allyn.

  I walk into the kitchen and flick the switch on my coffee machine. I wait for the light to turn green, indicating that it’s ready to be used. But all I can think about are the stranger’s footsteps I hear on the stairs.

  “’Scuse me, lady. Gotta bathroom I can use, please?”

  I whirl around to see a burly older man in a blue uniform standing at the entrance to the kitchen.

  My heart stops.

  My breath hitches.

  Black spots dance in front of my eyes.

  My entire body is covered in goose bumps.

  My stomach roils and knots.

  “You alright, love? You don’t look so good,” the burly man says and takes a step toward me, his hand out.

  My eyes fall to his feet as he takes
another step closer.

  I feel myself shaking and shivering and my mouth falls open as I gasp for air.

  I grab the edge of the counter and my legs suddenly refuse to hold me. I crumple to the floor.

  “Get out! Get out now!” I hear Dominic yelling at the man.

  “I didn’t do nothing, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” the burly man sputters as he holds both hands up in surrender and backs out of the kitchen.

  “Get out!” Dominic’s still yelling at the man.

  “I’m sorry, lady,” the man says again and turns to leave.

  I hear the front door shut and quick heavy footsteps as Dominic runs back to me after locking the door.

  “They’re gone. I’m sorry. One carried the mirror upstairs and I didn’t see the other one. I’m so sorry, Allyn.” He helps me up from the floor and holds me tight to his body.

  “A-alarm,” I try to verbalize but the sound is more like an inaudible mumble.

  “What do you need?”

  “Alarm, put it on,” I plead as I look up at Dominic. It takes a moment for him to understand my meaning.

  He lets me go and takes the few steps to the keypad and punches in my code, immediately returning to hold me.

  “Come on. Let’s go lie down.” He carefully leads me upstairs and I follow him.

  When we reach my bedroom, I see the mirror standing tall in the corner, but the mirror part is covered in beige paper so I can’t see my reflection.

  Dominic pulls the covers back and sits me down on the bed. I lie back and he leans down to take my shoes off, and then slips in beside me.

  He reaches his arm out and I shape my body into his. His hand slides over my hair as I listen to the steady beat of his heart. Dominic breathes in and exhales. I count his breaths and synchronize my breathing with his. As his breathing begins to calm, I begin to release the anxiety I’m holding on to so tightly.

  “What happened?” he asks calmly.

  I shut my eyes and close the tiny gap between our bodies, molding myself against him. Becoming one with Dominic.

  “He asked to use the bathroom,” I say as my face burns from the embarrassment of melting down over something as stupid as that.

  “Anything else?”

  “No nothing else. He was very nice; he asked me if I was alright. But the moment he stepped toward me, my entire body shut down and my brain was frozen in fear.”

  Again we’re surrounded by silence and I notice a change in Dominic’s breathing. It’s becoming more rapid, forcing my body to comply with the same rhythm.

  “You didn’t tell me what happened with my Dad yesterday.”

  “We understand each other now. He was worried that I would end up hurting you, but we hashed out a few things and he now knows that I’m not going anywhere.”

  I move and put my leg over Dominic’s thigh.

  Dominic tries to hold in a growl, but I feel it reverberate through his chest and it makes me giggle.

  “I noticed that you were calling Dad by his first name when you both came back inside. That’s a pretty big deal for Dad. He usually only allows people to call him Sir or Mr. Sommers, so you must’ve done something right.”

  “He did ask me why I wasn’t married with children.” My body stiffens, knowing that children are something that Dominic wants that I can’t give him. “And I told him that my divorce was close, but I didn’t tell him why. It’s not his business; it’s only mine, Chelsea’s, and now yours.”

  That word keeps getting to me. Children.

  “How much does it affect you that I can’t give you what you want?”

  “In reference to what?”

  “Children.”

  “Allyn, sit up please.”

  We both sit up in bed and stare into each other’s eyes. I can’t look away from him. He looks so angry or maybe he’s upset.

  “I love you more than I’ve ever loved anyone in my life. If I knew you existed in the universe, I would have been searching for you a long time ago. Yes, I’d love to have a child, and a baby with you would be absolutely perfect. But I’d rather know you love me than have a house filled with children.”

  “I’m sorry I can’t give you both,” I say as I cast my gaze downward and nervously play with the hem of my t-shirt.

  “You’ve given me your heart, and that’s more than I ever hoped for.”

  His mouth engulfs mine and he rubs his palms down my bare arm, encouraging me to relax and stop dwelling on the negative.

  Dominic’s tongue slowly emerges, cautiously exploring my upper lip before he changes it to a closed-mouth kiss.

  Longingly, I lean forward trying to join his lips to mine again. I’m rewarded as he pulls me to him for a scorching kiss. I move my hands to tangle in his hair and grasp at the back of his head while moving my body to straddle his lap.

  “Oh God,” Dominic rasps against my mouth.

  I brush my lips against Dominic’s warm mouth, tasting him and allowing myself to boldly explore him. Worshipping the natural line of his mouth with my tongue, I stop and nibble at his bottom lip before continuing to move across his skin.

  “You need to stop, Allyn.” He grips my hips tightly and holds me in place, contradicting his words.

  Dominic lolls his head back and his neck is completely exposed to me. There’s a light cover of stubble across his throat and his Adam’s apple moves as he struggles to swallow.

  I slowly ghost my fingertips along his jawline to his chin. Dominic’s breath becomes rapid and his fingers tighten even more on my hips.

  I follow the perfect line from his chin, down his neck to the top of his t-shirt. With a hand on Dominic’s chest I move over his sternum and rest it over his heart.

  “Allyn, your touch is heaven. But I need for you to stop, please, right now.” He lets go of my hips and moves me off his lap.

  I turn over and lie down with my back to Dominic and curl up into myself, embarrassed that when I tried taking it further, he rejected me.

  “Sweetheart, there’s a fever burning deep inside me and I want you so badly.” He turns behind me and places a hand on my hip, but no other part of his body is touching me. “But when we do make love, I want it to be because we want to enjoy each other’s body and soul. I don’t want it to be a coping mechanism every time either of us faces a trigger.”

  Is that what I was doing?

  I almost had a panic attack, and ended up trying to take our relationship to its ultimate level.

  Fuck, he’s right. I was trying to use making love to Dominic to overcome a difficult situation.

  “I understand,” I sigh as I turn to look into Dominic’s face.

  “I knew you would.” He gets off the bed and stands with his hand extended to me. I feel my eyebrows knit together, silently questioning his offered hand. “Let’s go downstairs and make dinner. And when you’re ready, we’ll uncover that mirror.”

  “Not today,” I say as I look over at the covered mirror. “But one day very soon.”

  Soon, I’ll draw on all my strength to look at myself, and I hope I can keep from hating the ugly part of me.

  Chapter 24

  “Sweetheart, for the last ten days you’ve been coming up here, sitting on the bed and just staring at the mirror. Do you think it may be time to take the paper off it and move it over to stand next to the window?” Dominic says from behind me as I continue to stare at it, as if it’s malignant and needs to be removed before the illness can spread.

  “I’m still not sure,” I sigh and turn my head to look at Dominic standing in the doorway.

  “The longer you leave it, the more difficult the situation will become. You’ve come so far already, Allyn. I think it’s best if you remove the paper and face your reflection. It will show you the most amazing woman I’ve ever known.” His face sports a wide, encouraging smile.

  “What if I don’t like what I see?”

  “Then we’ll have to work on it. I want you to do more than like your reflection, I want you to love it.
”

  I turn back to look at the innocent piece of glass and wood, and I can imagine seeing myself in it.

  This is something that I need to do, and it’s ripping me apart that it’s so hard to face myself. I’ve built up the dread of seeing my sickening, repulsive body to such a degree that now I’m at a loss as to how to reconnect with myself.

  “We’ll do it together, after dinner.” I turn back around and silently steel myself to do it.

  “Great, because dinner’s done,” Dominic says happily. “Come on, I’m just about to serve.” He heads downstairs, leaving me to scowl at the mirror and blame it for my confused emotions.

  “Damn it,” I yell at the mirror.

  Stupid mirror, standing in the corner, taunting me, daring to me to unveil it and to finally look at myself.

  Stupid mirror.

  Stupid me.

  “Allyn,” Dominic shouts from downstairs.

  “Coming.” I keep staring at the mirror while I stand slowly from my bed, my eyes focused on the damn thing. A small wave of courage begins to wash over me.

  I can do this.

  I’ve overcome so much, and this is just another hurdle for me to tackle.

  Screw it.

  A meager obstacle.

  I straighten my back and turn away from it, letting it cause no further disruption to my life. I won’t let it rule me.

  Ten days I’ve watched it with dread, and finally I’ve found my peace with it.

  I’m excited as I walk down the stairs with a spring in my step, going to Dominic. He’s standing in front of the stove, wearing oven mitts, taking a dish out of the oven.

  I go straight to him, and when he places the dish on the kitchen counter, I don’t think twice about taking his mouth in a kiss.

  “After our meal, that beige paper is garbage.” I say before returning to our kiss. “Can I help with dinner?”

  “Already done, you just need to sit and enjoy.” Dominic juts his chin for me to go sit at the kitchen table.

  “What are we having?”

  “Pot roast, and homemade lemonade.”

  Instantly I’m reminded of his last attempt at lemonade, and it must show on my face because he stares at me with a bemused look. “I remembered the sugar this time. You don’t need to screw your nose up like that,” he teases, chuckling.