Forgiven (This)

by J. B. McGee

  When I get to my car, I quickly close and lock the door. I don’t know why I’m so nervous and jumpy today. I just don’t have a good feeling about this guy. I roll my eyes as I look at the roof of my car. You’re just being paranoid, Gabby, because Emmi isn’t here.

  I put the key in the ignition and turn. Nothing. It doesn’t even turn over. There is a click, and that’s it. It doesn’t even attempt to start. I cross my arms over the steering wheel and bang my head. This is the last thing I need right now. Then I remember the conversation with Bradley that first morning in Thomson. That boyfriends fix girlfriend’s cars. It brings a smile to my face. I pull my phone from my pocket and quickly dial his number.

  I haven’t even had time to think about whether I wanted to be in an operating room watching a child be delivered, a child that I don’t even know if it belongs to me. But I realize this child, no matter who’s it is, deserves to have people here cheering for it. This child is a life. Veronica needs someone, so I don’t think much more about this decision.

  I can’t believe my ears when I hear my phone start to ring. It never has gotten reception in here and now of all times, I do?

  She shakes her head. “You have to turn that off. We barely have time to get you dressed. I’m so sorry.”

  I pull it from my pocket and notice that it’s Gabby, and God I want to answer it. I lift my brows and glance at the nurse. She says, “I’m so sorry.”

  I look away and close my eyes and power down the phone. That decision is ripping me apart. I feel like I’m choosing Veronica over Gabby. I am choosing them right now over Gabby, and there is something that feels so very wrong about that. But I know this is the right decision. I shove it back into my pocket and push my arms through the sleeves of the blue gown she’s holding for me. She gives me these foot things to put over my feet and then the ever so fashionable hair cap. The last thing is the mask. I put it on, and then someone lets me through another set of doors and I’m in the cold, sterile operating room.

  I glance around to take in my surroundings. There are a ton of people in this room. They are frantically working and talking. I’m taken to Veronica’s side. She’s on her back, and there are tears streaming down her face. I feel so helpless. I don’t know what the hell is going on, and I’m not sure how to ask at this point. The only thing I can think to say is, “I’m here. I’m here.”

  I can’t believe he just sent me to voicemail. Un-freakin’-believable. Of all times for him to ignore me, it’s when I need him. I have no idea what to do. It’s not like I have anyone else in this town to call. I try him back again hoping it was an accident that it got sent to voicemail. Nothing. It doesn’t even ring this time. He must have turned it off. My next thought is to call his private line at the office. It goes to voicemail, too.

  I would call Sharon, but it’s five after five and I know she always leaves at five sharp everyday. I don’t know who else to call. I pop the hood and get out of the car. I fiddle around with a few cables around the battery. I don’t know much about taking care of a car. John had shown me how to check the oil, wiggle the cables of the battery, and change a tire when we went to college. He told me if I was going to be travelling back and forth between Columbia and Charleston, I needed to know how to, at the very least, do those things. Man, I miss my best friend. If I were in Columbia, or even Charleston, I know he’d get to me as soon as he could.

  I’m startled when I hear a deep voice. “Need some help?”

  I glance over my shoulder, and it’s the creeper from the coffee shop. “No, I’m good. Thanks.”

  “It doesn’t look like you’re good. Why don’t you let me see if I can give you a jump?”

  Arg. I don’t want to have anything to do with this guy, but if he can jump me off then I can get the hell out of here, and that’s all I want to do at this point. I shrug. “Okay.”

  He leaves and a few minutes later I see a car come from behind the building, and it pulls in front of mine. He hooks the cables to the two batteries. “Go get into the car and see if you can start it,” he says. After I slide into my seat, I turn the ignition and nothing happens.

  “Did the lights come on when you did that?” I hear him holler.

  “Hmm. I didn’t pay attention. Want me to try again?”

  “Yeah, try again and let me know if the lights turn on.”

  I turn the ignition, and there’s nothing. It’s completely dead. “Nope. No lights.”

  “I’m afraid this is looks like it might be your alternator.” He starts to unhook the cables. “Not much I can do for you other than calling you a tow truck and give you a lift to where ever you need to go.”

  Hell would have to freeze over and then some for me to let this guy give me a lift somewhere. “No, that won’t be necessary. My fiancée will handle the tow truck, and I’ll get a ride from a friend. Thank you, though.” I don’t want to seem like I’m ungrateful. I do appreciate him offering to help, but I draw the line with strangers at getting into their vehicles.

  “Well, if you need anything just let me know,” he offers.

  After he leaves, I climb back into my car and lock the doors. The fiancée would call the tow truck if the fiancée would answer his damn phone. And call a friend? Well that would require that I had some.

  I start to go through my contacts. Maybe Joe or Ryan could help me. I’m disappointed when both of the calls go to voicemail. Why is it that anytime you are in a real mess you can never get anyone to answer their phones? I am trying to stay calm, but I’m running out of ideas.

  I briefly entertain the idea of taking MARTA. All I can hear is Bradley going on and on about how unsafe that is. I’m already feeling so vulnerable without my car and no one for support. I just don’t think that is a good idea.

  Then my mind goes to the only person left in Atlanta that could possibly help me. No way can I call him. Bradley would kill me. But then again, Bradley doesn’t get a choice. He doesn’t get a choice because he turned his phone off and ignored me.

  I call information and get the number and choose the option to be automatically connected and have the number texted to me. It rings a few times and then he answers, “Hello.”

  I sit there for a minute when I hear his voice. I am not sure I can go through with this. Then again, what choice do I have?

  “Hello?” he says again.

  “Ian...It’s Gabby.”

  Veronica turns her head to look at me, and her lip is quivering. I can see the fear plastered all over her face. I wish I could tell her it’s all going to be okay, but I don’t know if that’s true. “I’m here.” Her arms are both out to the side on boards. There are IV’s going into the one on the other side, but the one closest to me doesn’t have anything attached. I reach down and instantly grab it. “I’m here now. I’m here.” I don’t know what else to say other than that.

  She nods her head.

  We both sit there in silence with our eyes fixed on each other’s. I don’t think I ever realized the connection we have before. I was never in love with her, but I realize in this moment that I do love her. I care about her. I care about her well being. I definitely care for this little innocent life that is about come into this cruel world way too early.

  What seems like an eternity passes, but I can see the clock over in the corner and it’s only been a few minutes. I hear the chatter amongst the medical professionals and then they say, “Okay Veronica. You’re going to feel a lot of pressure. We’re about to take the baby.”

  Her voice cracks, and her eyebrows furrow. She never takes her eyes off of mine. She’s squeezing my hand so hard that I feel like I’m about to lose circulation, but I would never complain. I can’t imagine the agony she must be feeling right now. She whispers, “Okay.”

  She takes a breath and holds it. The nurse beside her rubs her other arm. “Just keep breathing, sweetie.”

  I straighten my back and try to look over the blue screen they have put up over her belly. I want to see the birth of this baby. I wa
nt to know this baby is okay. I think for a moment that if it’s my child I want a part in naming her. Faith pops into my mind. Her name needs to be Faith-because we’re going to have lots of faith that she will be okay. Faith is going to have to carry her and us.

  I see them take her out. The doctors clamp the cord and announce, “It’s a girl!”

  I look back to Veronica, and she’s smiling, but worry overshadows the smile. I smile back to her. “Let’s hope she got her fighting power from you.”

  She nods again, and I can tell it’s all she can do to contain her sobs. They pass the baby off, and she’s yet to make a sound. The doctors are practically beating the crap out of her. I know enough to know that a baby should cry when the cord is cut. What’s taking so long?

  Veronica must have read my mind or been thinking the same thing because she squeezes tighter. “Bradley, she’s not crying. Oh God. She’s not crying.”

  I try to contain my worry and press my lips together as I sigh.

  Veronica starts to sob as they hand the baby from person to person. Everyone is rushing. It’s organized chaos. There are various teams barking off orders and medical terminology. It sounds like a foreign language. I am on the verge of being overstimulated. I think I already am overwhelmed. This entire turn of events has been surreal. Roni looks up to me and starts with her own commands. “Please go with her. Please be with her. I’ll be fine. Bradley!”

  I realize I must be dazed and confused. “Bradley. Please go with her,” she cries.

  I give her hand a squeeze then reply, “I’ll go. You sure you’re okay?”

  “I’m fine.”

  “Ian?” I twirl my hair nervously.

  “I’m here,” he replies calmly.

  “I need your help.” I look up to the roof of the car again wondering how I got myself into this mess. I wish I had a rewind button.

  “Do you?”

  It pains me to admit I need help from him. “I am having car problems. I’m in Atlanta...at Gi Gi’s. Do you know where that is?”

  “Yeah. I’ve been there a few times. Do you need a ride or something?”

  “Yeah. I don’t have anyone else that I can call.”

  “Oh.” There’s a pause. I am sure he’s wondering why Bradley isn’t helping me. I would be wondering that if I were him. “What about your boyfriend?”

  “fiancée,” I emphasize. “And I can’t get in touch with him right now.”

  “I’ll be there in twenty minutes, then.” I am about to say thanks, but he continues. “I’m glad you felt like you could call me for whatever that’s worth to you.”

  “Yeah. I mean, thank you.” This is beyond awkward. Awkward because I know that calling him was a bad idea, but awkward because I do feel comfort in his familiarity.

  “See you in a few minutes, then. Just wait in your car with the doors locked. It’s not in the worst area, but it sure as hell could be in a better area.”

  “Yeah, I know. I will.”

  “Bye, Gabs.”

  “Bye,” I say softly.

  I decide to pull one of my books and study until he comes. I put in my ear buds and turn on my iPod. Maybe that will get my mind off of things. Time seems to fly by because I jump as there is a tap and movement at my window. I grab my chest. “Geez, you scared the living daylights out of me!” I say, not like he can hear me, as I look into those amused, green eyes.

  I unlock and open the door. I swiftly put my stuff back into my bag while surveying the car to make sure I have everything I’ll need. Ian’s propped on the window and leaning on the side of the car. He has his leg crossed, and I can tell by the look on his face he’s very much enjoying this. I try to fight back the smile I know is emerging on my lips, but I can’t help it. I’m relieved to know I’m not alone, and he’s being playful.

  He backs up when I turn in the seat to get out. “You got everything?”

  “Yep, I think so.”

  He points to his car. “Let’s get outta here, then.”

  “Okay.”

  After Veronica is back in her room resting and the baby stabilized, I step outside to call Gabby. I feel terrible that it’s taken me so long to get back with her. This day quickly turned into the day from hell. I honestly can’t wait to hear her voice. I know she’ll help make it all better, as she always does.

  “There you are!” She sounds frustrated. I wasn’t prepared for her to be short with me. I’m not sure I can handle her being in one of her moods tonight.

  “Yeah. It’s been a bad day.” I exhale. “I’m sorry I missed your call earlier.”

  “You didn’t miss my call!” She snaps back, “You ignored my call.”

  “No, I had to turn my phone off. I was at the hospital.”

  “Why am I not surprised?”

  “Gabby, what the hell is with your attitude?” She’s pissing me off. Does she even know or care as to why I was at the hospital before my usual time?

  “Because Bradley, when I needed you, you were with her. You chose her.”

  “No. That’s not fair.” But she’s right. I did. I chose Veronica, and I chose the little beautiful baby girl fighting for her life right now. Telling her that will have to wait because I want to know what has her so pissy and why she needed me. “Why’d you need me?”

  “My car broke down,” she hisses.

  “Where are you now?”

  There’s a pause.

  “I tried to call everyone. You on your cell, you on your work phone, Joe, and Ryan...I couldn’t get anyone to answer my calls. So I called Ian.”

  “You did what?” I feel like someone just took my already dizzy head and spun it in circles. I’m seeing red and stars all at one time. All I want to do is get her away from him.

  “I called Ian. I was stuck at Gi Gi’s. I knew you didn’t want me taking MARTA.”

  “And you thought Ian was better than fucking MARTA? Have you lost your mind?”

  “Well there was this creepy guy who offered me a ride. I guess I could have taken him up on the offer.” She’s being arrogant and sarcastic. Snippy. I narrow my eyes, and then take a deep breath as I clench my fist. I know who the creepy guy is. It’s her father. I’m not sure which of these three choices I like the most.

  “Quit being a smart ass.” I can’t believe I’m about to do this. “Tell Ian to bring you to the hospital.”

  “Why?” she huffs.

  “Because. Veronica had the baby today. As much as I hate it, he needs to be here as much as I do.”

  “Oh. Is the baby okay? I mean it was super early?”

  “Yeah, it was early, but not too early. And I don’t know what’s going to happen with her. We can talk about it more when you get here.”

  I hang up and head back inside trying to cool down. So many emotions are running through my mind right now. All I can think about is why she’d call Ian. I think about him being with her. I see him kissing her. It makes me want to punch the living shit out of him again. He deserves to be here just as much as me, though.

  I feel bad for wanting to know right now, but I have to know. I can’t stand it any longer. I am getting more and more attached to this child. I need to know so that we can all plan accordingly and move forward.

  I make my way back to Veronica’s room. She’s still sleeping. They said she would probably sleep awhile with the medication they gave her. She needs to rest, and she’ll be in a good deal of pain when the epidural wears off. I wander back to the newborn nursery. I look at all the adorable, healthy babies. I realize that I do want that. I want to be a proud father one day. But today, this isn’t it. It just doesn’t feel right. No part of this feels okay.

  Faith’s in critical condition in the Neonatal ICU. She’s on a ventilator and has been unable to breathe on her own since she was born. Even though they gave Veronica shots to develop the lungs, they aren’t where they need to be. There is also concern that the baby may have an underlying condition. They said she’s very ‘floppy’. So there is also concern that she’s n
ot been able to breathe on her own because she doesn’t have the muscle tone to be able to physically do that.

  Veronica knows none of this, and it kills me to potentially have to tell her this. The only good that I think can come out of today is that we’ll know who is Faith’s father. I think it’s important that if it’s Ian, he has a chance to see her. There’s a very good chance that she’s not going to pull through.

  When I see movement in the hall, I look up and see Gabby and Ian are side-by-side walking down the hall. It makes my stomach roll. Seeing them together is revolting. I realize bile is rising up the back of my throat, and my stomach starts to rumble. It’s getting late, and I had skipped lunch at the office because things had been so busy.

  “Ian.” I nod, then pull Gabby close and give her a kiss on the forehead. “Gabby Girl.”

  She pulls back and points. “Is the baby in there? Can we see her?”

  “No.” I glance to Ian. “The baby is in intensive care. She’s not yet been able to breathe on her own.”

  Ian turns his head and raises an eyebrow. “What are they saying about that?”

  Gabby speaks up. “He gets all the medical stuff. His parents are doctors.”

  “They are concerned her lungs aren’t yet developed, and there is also worry about a potential underlying disorder.” I glare at Gabby. She seems far too comfortable with him. My suspicions just continue to grow watching their body language. It’s like she’s with him and not me.

  Ian puts his head down and clears his throat. “May I see her?”

  “That’s why I wanted you to come. I think you deserve to see her.” I look to the healthy babies. “Even with all the stuff attached to her, she’s still beautiful.” I nod my head towards the NICU. “Let’s go check on her and maybe Veronica will be awake then, and you can stay with her tonight.”

  “Is she okay?” he asks.

  “She’s fine.” I glance to Gabby, and I can’t read her expression. Maybe half an ounce of relief and the other half of cringe. I roll my eyes as we start to walk. What I witnessed today has changed my opinion of the entire situation to some extent. No one should have to endure what she did today. No one should have the experience of wondering if their child is alive or is going to live. The agony is nearly more than one can bear.