Forgiven (This)

by J. B. McGee

  “You have no idea.”

  “You’re right. I don’t. I can only imagine. I just know he loves you so much, Gabby.”

  “He had a mighty funny way of showing it. Even after he got sober, he could have come back, but he didn’t.”

  “Right. You’re exactly right. He’s lived with that his entire life. Trust me when I say that decision has tormented him.”

  I bite my lip and proverbially my tongue because I can tell this could very well go to a not so great place quickly. “Whatever you say.” I have to change the subject. “So, how’s he doing?”

  “The good news is he has been able to communicate with them and open his eyes. It appears as though this may not be as serious as we once thought.”

  I feel like a ton of bricks have been lifted off of my chest. “I’m glad to hear that.”

  “Well, thank you for coming. Would you like to see him?”

  Bradley is walking back up to me with water. I take a sip and give it back to him. “I would.”

  She gets up and holds her hand out to me. I can’t be mad at her. None of this is her fault. I’m sure this is very hard on her, as well. I place my hand in hers and she helps me up to my feet. Bradley puts his arm around my waist and whispers in my ear, “You gonna be okay by yourself?”

  I nod. “Uh huh. I think so.”

  “I’ll be waiting here for you, then.” He kisses the side of my head as he lets me go.

  Cindy and I walk to the entrance intercom. She buzzes the nurses and they let us in. “Do they not have visiting hours?”

  “They just limit it to two visitors at a time and you’re not allowed to visit during shift change. We’re good.”

  “Oh.”

  We walk past the nurses’ station and into a room that is crammed packed with medical equipment, monitors, and a nurse is sitting at a laptop computer typing. I don’t think I was prepared for how he would look. I don’t know what I expected. He’s got two black eyes. He has a tube down his throat and an IV. He looks so different than what he looked like just hours ago.

  Cindy pushes me towards his head and holds his hand, as she’s positioned closer to the foot of the bed. “Just talk to him Gabby. Let him know you’re here.”

  I have no idea what to say or whether I can say anything at all without becoming too emotional. “Ahem...I guess I should start by apologizing. This is all my fault.” I look to Cindy. I guess I’m partially apologizing to her, too. “Had you not been there late with us, this...this wouldn’t have happened.” She hands me a tissue, and I dab my eyes. “I felt so many emotions when I left. I didn’t know what I wanted as far as a relationship with you goes. I need you to wake up, Dad. I need to know you’re going to be okay.” I start to sob uncontrollably. “I can’t watch another parent die. If you don’t wake up, the person who robbed you will be robbing me, too.”

  Cindy rubs my back and puts her arm around my shoulders. “It’s okay, sweetie. This isn’t your fault.”

  I nod, but I don’t believe her. It’s every bit my fault. We stand there for a few minutes, and then I decide to go back to Bradley. I don’t think I can stand watching him like that. No matter what he did, he’s never been dead to me. Deep down, I’ve always hoped that maybe things could have been different. This was my chance at a new life and it’s all about to be stripped away from me.

  As I turn to leave, I am compelled to turn back. I look to the nurse. “He can hear me, right?”

  “We always encourage visitors to talk normally to their loved ones, even if they are in a deep coma. Because he’s been communicating, we don’t believe he is in a deep coma. I think he can probably hear you.”

  “Okay. Thank you.” I grab his hand and squeeze it. “I forgive you. I need you to know that I forgive you.” When I try to let go, he squeezes. He squeezes! I jump and look wide-eyed to Cindy. “He just squeezed my hand!”

  The nurse smiles. “That’s a very good sign that he heard you. He has been more and more responsive.”

  I can’t leave. I want to talk to him more. I want to know if he can hear me. “Dad, squeeze twice if you can hear me. Please,” I cry. I feel a slight squeeze and then another. I can feel the eyes of Cindy and the nurse on me. I look back between the both of them. “He did it.”

  It’s been a week since the accident, and Dad’s been in and out of consciousness. The doctors say the prognosis is good. It just takes time for the swelling on the brain to go down. They said it’s hard to know how long it will take for someone to fully wake up, but usually when they are getting the response they are from him, then it’s less than four weeks.

  I’m still in the middle of my semester, so I’ve not been able to be at the hospital as much as I would like. It’s been so hard. We can’t seem to stay away from hospitals lately. They make my skin crawl, my body cringe. The difference between this hospital situation and the other is that Bradley has been by my side every chance he’s gotten. He’s been incredible to me. I couldn’t ask for better support through this. Well, I could. My sister coming around would be very helpful. It would be nice to know that my family was complete.

  I’ve only known Cindy a week. At first I thought she was being too nice, but I know now that she’s really one of the nicest people I’ve ever met. I know this partially because of the support their church has offered. There is a buffet in the waiting room nearly every night from all the food they’ve brought to feed us.

  I’ve talked to some of these people while mingling and waiting. There’s nothing else to do, but talk, pray, and eat. I haven’t met one single person who had a bad thing to say about Cindy. Furthermore, they haven’t had one single thing bad to say about my dad. He’s a deacon. It’s like he’s a totally different person than what I’ve been told all these years.

  And then there’s Evan. If he’s any reflection of the parent Dad is capable of being, then he’s a mighty fine father. Evan couldn’t be any more well-mannered and polite. He may look nothing like me, but he and I share a similar disposition. He is quiet, smart, and introverted. He makes me smile every time I see him.

  I can’t imagine what he must be going through finding out all of the sudden that you have two older sisters, all the while not knowing if your father is going to be okay. He seems to be holding up okay. He’s asked me about Sam. Every time I bring her up, it irritates me. She needs to be here.

  Everyone is busy in the waiting room. There are small groups chatting. There are a few of the elders cleaning up the dinner spread. I’ve been sitting on the couch sipping a cup of coffee while Bradley rubs my back. It is nearly enough to put me to sleep.

  I glance over to him. “I need to go call Sam.”

  “I called Sam.”

  “When did you call Sam?”

  “I called her the morning after the accident. She doesn’t want to be here.”

  I look away. She’s so damn stubborn, but dang him for calling her and not telling me. “I thought we weren’t keeping secrets anymore?”

  “We’re not keeping secrets. If it was a secret I wouldn’t have just told you I called her.”

  “But you only told me because I asked.”

  “I did it because I thought she should know and you were overwhelmed and busy.” I stand up and walk to the window in the corner and cross my arms. He walks up behind me and puts his hand on my shoulder. “You’re welcome to call her, but you need to know she’s not receptive.”

  I shake my head. “He’s fighting for his life. He’s clearly changed. I just don’t understand why she won’t give him another chance.”

  “Maybe you should try to call her, then. You might be able to get through to her.”

  I turn around into his arms. “I need her. I have to talk to her.”

  “I’ll be waiting here then. I’ll get you if anything changes.”

  I perch up on my tippy toes and give him a sweet, chaste kiss. “Thanks.”

  Things have been so strained with Gabby since Bradley found our dad. I don’t know what’s so hard for
everyone to understand about me not wanting to have anything to do with him. I’ve been very vocal in the past about him being dead to me. Bradley insists I need to give him a second chance, but it’s no one’s decision but mine to decide what I need to do.

  Gabby hasn’t been calling me like she usually does. I have sent her a few texts here and there, but I’ve been trying to just give us both some space until this hopefully blows over. I keep thinking that if I just wait it out, she’ll come to her senses and let him stay in her past. I know she’s curious, but I always say curiosity killed the cat. She needs to chill.

  I feel like Joe is the only person I can discuss any of this with. He gets what is going on because he did the background search. Ryan is so busy with his residency. I feel like we barely see each other. When we do, we’re usually too busy not being able to keep our hands off of each other to talk about this kind of stuff.

  I’ve missed having Gabby to talk to, but I’ve been thankful that Joe has stepped up to the plate. I haven’t told Ryan that we’ve gotten closer. I reassure myself that it’s okay. We’re practically family. He’s my boyfriend’s brother. There’s nothing wrong with me being friends with him. Especially since Joe and Bradley are so close. How could we not be close friends?

  Except I know the reason I feel guilty is because of what I feel when I talk to him. It’s different than anything I’ve ever felt before. I’m determined to ignore it. Talk about curiosity. There’s nothing good that could come from us being anything more than just friends.

  So why do I find myself sitting on my bed about to dial his number? Why can’t I just walk away? Why can’t I just leave well enough alone? Do I really need a friend that badly that I’d put my relationship with Ryan on the line for it? Or is it that I just want to talk to him so badly that I’m making excuses to justify it?

  Just as I’m about to throw my phone across the room, it rings. I know who I want it to be, but it’s not. It’s Gabby. I sigh as I answer, “Hello.”

  “Hey.” She sounds so down, and this is beyond awkward.

  “Hey.”

  “Bradley said he talked to you.”

  “Yep.” I don’t want to have this conversation right now.

  “Are you still coming to Atlanta tomorrow?”

  No way am I asking why she wants to know this. I already know and I’m not opening the conversation for her to hound me. “I am.”

  “Do you think you could come by and see Dad...meet Cindy and Evan?”

  “No. Not happening. Not now and not ever.”

  “Sam, he could die. We have a step-mom and a brother. We have a family,” she pleads.

  “He’s already dead to me, Gabby,” I say calmly. “How many more times do I have to tell this to you?”

  “People change, Sam. You can’t live your life holding grudges.”

  “Gabby, let’s get something straight. I remember. I remember every single thing that he did.” I take a deep breath. Do I really want to go here? You better think twice Sam before you do this. “I remember you knocking the candy jar over, and it breaking into a million tiny little pieces.” I take a deep breath. “I remember the things he said to you, to my beloved little sister. I remember the sound of his hand making contact with your delicate skin as he hit you over and over again.”

  “Sam.”

  “You don’t remember, but I do. It’s not so easy for me to just move on with life. They say you should forgive and forget. Well you don’t have to forget. You’ve already done that.”

  “That’s not fair.”

  “It’s not fair. You’re right. It’s not fair that for all these years you’ve gotten to forget all these horrid details, and I have been haunted by them.” A tear falls down my cheek. “And it’s not fair that you expect me to just be able to forget them in the snap of a finger because karma has finally caught up to him.”

  “I don’t know how you can be in school to be a doctor and say such horrible things!” she sobs.

  “I can’t save someone who I already lost,” I hiss. How dare her question my intentions or my heart like that. Who does she think she is?

  “But that’s it. You haven’t lost him. He’s inside the hospital, and you can have a second chance with him. Why are you being so stubborn?”

  “He doesn’t want us or a second chance. He could have come back at any time and gotten us, but he didn’t. What makes you think he even cares that you’re back in his life?”

  “If you’d talk to him, then you’d understand.”

  My blood pressure must be through the roof. I hate raising my voice at her, but I’m so frustrated I could scream. “That’s it, though. I don’t want to understand, Gabby.”

  “I don’t get that,” she growls back to me.

  “You don’t have to get it.” I let my body collapse on my bed. This is so exhausting. “I just wish you’d respect it.”

  “Fine. I’ll never mention it again. But you need to know that he’ll be at the wedding. So you’re going to have to come to terms with it between now and then.” She pauses. “I mean, unless you’re not going to come because he’s there.”

  “Don’t be ridiculous. I’m not going to miss your wedding. But don’t expect me to give him the time of day.”

  “Whatever. I need to go.”

  “Yeah. Me...” She hangs up before I can even finish saying goodbye. In all these years she has never hung up on me. It hurts like a knife is being stabbed right into my heart. I grab my pillow and sob into it. I hate this. I wanted to plan the wedding with her. I wanted that to be a day we both shared and for it to be so special.

  In true fashion, leave it up to Gabe Gerhart to spoil it all.

  I move backwards and when I feel the bench behind my knees, I slowly sit. Starring into the distance, I try to process everything that she just said to me. After all of these years of swearing she wouldn’t tell me what he did, she did.

  It’s frustrating to hear those things and not be able to remember them myself. I wish I could. I think for a moment and decide maybe I’m glad I can’t. Maybe it’s a blessing. Because if I remembered like Sam, maybe I wouldn’t be able to enjoy this new beginning.

  I hadn’t even told Bradley that I wanted him at the wedding. Provided he wakes up and is okay. I don’t think Bradley would mind. He’s been encouraging me to make it right with him. He keeps saying that this is clearly a chance for me to make amends. That regardless of what he did, he’s my father. You only get one. You can either disown him for his faults, or you can accept who he is, love him for who he is, and try to make the best of the time you have in the future. You can’t get back the time in the past. You can’t change it. You can only make sure to learn and move forward.

  I’ve thought a lot about it. At first I was very opposed to that. Mainly because of how that would affect Sam. But the more that I’ve gotten to know Cindy and Evan, the more I want this family. I know he’s right. It’s just hard because I want more. I want this family to include Sam. I want Sunday afternoon dinners with all of them. I want holidays with my entire family. My past was horrible. I went through so many bad things. This is my chance to turn it around. I didn’t have control over the past, but I do have control over the future. If I don’t make things right, I’ll have no one to blame for that other than myself.

  It’s just that I don’t want to feel like I’m gaining three people, but losing Sam. There’s nothing I can do about it, though. I have to decide what’s more important, and that is where the strings of my heart are playing tug-of-war. I can’t choose practical strangers over Sam. The thought of losing Gabe, Cindy, and Evan so quickly after I chose them is more than I can fathom. It’s simple. I can’t choose. I have to find a way to have them all.

  The last time I saw Gabby was at the hospital the day I finally got to meet my daughter. It’s amazing how much a little baby can change your life. It’s funny how much I thought when I first found out Veronica was pregnant that I didn’t think I wanted it-that I wasn’t ready to be a father. I cou
ldn’t have been more wrong.

  It seems like every time I think I’m getting myself together, and I'm finally on the right path, it seems like the rug is ripped right out from under me. I don’t know what I did in this life to deserve the fury of hell on earth. The karma from Gabby should have long caught up with me.

  That’s why I have to see her one more time. I have to make amends with her once and for all. Everything I said to her that day at her apartment was true. Everything I felt was true. But I had ulterior motives. I have to do it this time so selflessly.

  I had thought about getting a pass to get into Château Élan from one of my buddies who lives in there, but that just still seemed so sneaky and wrong. I know I have to show her I’ve grown up if I expect her to believe a word out of my mouth. If I’ve learned anything through this experience, it’s that it’s the way we go about situations that set us apart from the rest.

  So I called her earlier and begged for her to meet me at the clubhouse. I realize the timing isn’t great with it being the night before her wedding, but I needed a time when I knew she would be alone. I needed a time when I knew that Bradley wouldn’t be hovering over her like she’s some kind of frail porcelain doll.

  At first she didn’t want to do it, but eventually with much reassurance that I was being genuine she gave in and said she’d meet me at nine pm. So I’m parked in the parking lot, and I’m waiting. My palms are sweaty, and even with the air blasting I’m still burning up. My mouth feels like it’s filled with cotton it’s so dry.

  I see headlights. I don’t recognize the car, but when it pulls up next to me, I can see it’s her. I guess she got a new car when hers broke down. It’s really about time. That car was beyond too old and unsafe for her.

  I get out and keep my distance. “Hey, Gabs.”

  “Ian.” She nods and rests her back up against the car door. “What do you want?”

  “Thanks for agreeing to meet me.”