Forgiven (This)

by J. B. McGee

  “Well you made a pretty convincing argument when you said you’d finally leave me the hell alone if I agreed.”

  I shrug. It’s not what I wanted. I had hoped that we could repair things and at least stay cordial, but I needed to see her one last time. “Nice car.”

  She glances back towards the hood and then smiles. “Bradley. Birthday gift. Ya know. The other car was beyond repair anyway.”

  “I figured. Your old car was beyond ancient.”

  “Cut the small talk, Ian. I don’t have a lot of time. Cut to the chase. Why did you want to see me?”

  I glance down because it’s still hard for me to talk about this. “Did you know we lost the baby?”

  I move my eyes up and look into hers. Her brows have furrowed and her smile quickly fades. “Yeah, I heard. I’m so sorry.”

  “Yeah, me too. Listen. I just wanted to say thank you.”

  She raises an eyebrow. “Thank you?”

  “Yeah, for all that you and Bradley did for Veronica...for Faith.”

  “Bradley was surprised you named her Faith.”

  “Yeah. Veronica wouldn’t budge. She said regardless of Bradley naming her that it was her name. It fit. She just wouldn’t have it any other way.”

  Gabby rolls her eys. “Yeah, that meant a lot to Bradley.”

  I swallow. “I got you something. I wanted to give it to you.”

  “You didn’t have to get me anything.”

  “I wanted to. A wedding gift. Not that you need my blessing, but to know that I am happy for you.”

  She cocks her head to the side. “Are you really?”

  “Yes. Of course, I am. I’ve only always wanted you to be happy.” I open the passenger side door and reach for the gift. “I realize I didn’t go about that in the right way, but I’ve grown up a lot.” I shut it and hand the gift to her. “I need to close this chapter of my life, Gabby. The chapter where I make impulsive, rash, usually irresponsible and hurtful decisions.”

  She smiles. “Are you officially apologizing to me with no strings attached? It’s hard for me to trust you.”

  “I have meant every apology I’ve ever said. I just need to know now that you forgive me. I need to know we’re both moving on and that the bad karma between us is resolved.”

  She laughs, and it’s infectious. Her smile, her laugh...it will always brighten my day and warm my heart. “Well, let me open this and see what’s in here and then I’ll let you know if I forgive you.”

  “Oh. That’s how this is gonna go, huh?” I’m relieved to see her being playful. This is going better than I could have ever expected. I hope it continues.

  She was always meticulous opening gifts. I cross my legs and arms as I lean back against my car and smile as I watch her open it. When she does, tears start streaking down her face.

  “Oh Ian. I...I don’t know what to say.” She swipes her tears and brushes her fingers lightly across the frame where it says, “Never lose Faith. Always have hope. Love for always.” Then in smaller writing below that it says 1 Corinthians 13.

  I know I’ve not acted like a Christian, but my parents raised me as a good ‘ole southern Baptist. I’ve heard that scripture over and over all through my life. I never fully understood or respected how special it is to find that person who you can love like that verse says. I understand it now. If Bradley does that for Gabby, then they have my blessing, not that they asked for it or need it.

  I swallow hard because I knew this was going to be a hard gift to give. “You don’t have to say anything. There’s a card. I knew there would be things I couldn’t say out loud to you, so I wrote them down.”

  “She really was beautiful, Ian. Look at all that blonde hair. There’s just something about a baby with a big flower in her hair.”

  I smile. “I know, she had me wrapped so tight around that...” I take a deep breath and fight back the tears that threaten the backs of my eyes. “She had me wrapped around that little finger the moment I saw her.”

  Gabby chuckles, “She did that to Bradley in a matter of a day, and he wasn’t even her father.”

  “I know. That’s why I have to say thank you. He didn’t have to be there for them, but he did. He’s not as bad of a guy as I thought he was.” I look up to the clear sky and back to Gabby. “And I can see he loves you. I just want you to be happy.”

  “I am happy.”

  “I loved you, Gabby, I still do. I realize now it’s just different. I am sorry I hurt you.”

  “I forgive you, Ian. I forgave you a long time ago.”

  I nod. “Then I should let you get going. I know you probably have a lot to do.”

  “Nah the girls are just coming to the house. Bradley arranged a spa party for us. So about to go get pampered. It starts at ten.”

  “Sounds nice.”

  “Yeah. You and Veronica? Are you together?”

  I shrug. I don’t know how to label us. “Something like that.”

  “You love her?” she asks.

  “With all my heart.”

  “Then fight for her. Never let her go.” She shakes her head. “Don’t keep secrets.” Then she points to the frame and the card. “Thank you for this. We’ll treasure it for the rest of our lives.”

  We both stand there awkwardly. I know Gabby is a hugger. I move my arms almost asking for permission. She nods, so I wrap my arms around her, giving her a quick squeeze. Then I let her go.

  I’m in the back of the church with Stella, Emmi, Sam, and Carmen. They are all my bridesmaids. Well, Stella is my matron of honor and Sam is my maid of honor. Everyone looks beautiful. Those dresses are all stunning. I decided to let them pick their style, but they are all the same color, a sage green. It makes the flowers really pop.

  Sam still hasn’t really come around about Dad, but we agreed to put that aside to get us through the wedding. She steers clear of him and avoids him at all costs.

  Dad is by my side holding my hand. I’m trying not to act nervous, but I am. It’s not because I have a single doubt in my mind about marrying Bradley, but because I want everything to go as I planned. I’ve watched one too many episodes of Bridezilla’s to know that a wedding going off without a hitch is a miracle in and of itself. This is a day I have dreamed about for as long as I can remember. I want it to be perfect.

  I watch Celia talking into her mouth piece as she motions for the girls to start their journey down the long aisle one-by-one. The string quartet is playing Pachabel’s Canon in D. The chords send a shiver through my body as goosebumps erupt through my exposed skin. I shift on my feet. I have never been one to wear heels. I’d much rather go barefoot. But everyone insisted that these shoes alone would be the undoing of Bradley. The thought makes those bumps quickly go away as heat envelops my body.

  “Gabby, are you okay?” Dad asks.

  “Yeah, I’m more than okay.”

  “You know if you’re having second thoughts, we can be outta here in no time flat. I can take you somewhere far away until this all blows over,” he says to me in a hushed voice.

  “No. I’m sure about this. Just want everything to go well.”

  “You sure?”

  “I promise, I’m sure.”

  “Okay. Well they say the things that don’t go well during a wedding are the things you remember and laugh about later.” He turns so he’s facing me and lifts my chin so that I am looking into his eyes. “Enjoy this day. It will go by far too fast.” He kisses my forehead over the veil that is shielding my face. “You look lovely, Gabby. Your mother would be so proud. You look just like her today.”

  The mention of my mother brings bittersweet feelings to my heart and the growing pit in my stomach. I miss her so much. All of those dreams about this day never included her not being here. It’s been an emotional day. It doesn’t help that even though Sam is here and says we’re okay, there is just a touch of tension still in the air about my forgiving our dad so easily.

  “Thank you.”

  “You’re welcome.” He
moves back to my side and continues to whisper words of encouragement and praise. His words become a blur as my eyes drift over to the door on the groom’s side, and then close as I remember the first time I ever stood in this church.

  It’s as if it’s all happening all over again, as vivid as the first time. I remember Bradley standing by that door. The smirk he had on his face. Those bright blue eyes. He has turned out to be so much more than delicious eye candy. If someone had told me a year ago that I would be standing in this position about to marry him, I would have done more than laugh hysterically. My lips curve into a smile because I’m so thankful that for once in my life ‘Gabby’ and ‘easy’ seem to go in the same sentence. I’m thankful that I am no longer broken, but rather whole. I can finally see the big picture of my life, and how everything has come full circle.

  “Gabby,” I hear Celia’s voice as Dad squeezes my hand.

  When I open my eyes from my daydream, she’s standing in front of me. The organ is playing the Bridal March and I hear the shuffling sounds of our guests as they stand in the pews. It’s time.

  The photographer had begged Gabby to let us take our photos before the ceremony. She said it would make for an easier transition to the reception, and the lighting would be better. But Gabby, being the traditionalist that she is, refused to budge on me not seeing her before the ceremony. She swore it was bad luck and promised that moving forward we would do nothing to encourage more of that.

  I’ve always liked that feisty side of her. I just watched her as she fought it out with her. I tried to hide my smile from Gabby because I knew I’d take an elbow in the ribs if she knew I was even remotely amused. It didn’t take me long through this process to learn that she translates my smirks to being unsupportive of her decisions. In reality, she is so damn cute when she’s like that, that it takes everything in me to not throw her over my shoulder and take her somewhere private.

  My groomsman have all reminded me of my bachelor days as they walked by me opening their jackets to reveal a photo of an ex-fling. I smile and nod, sometimes even laughing at their choices. Not because I like these girls or even really remember half of them.

  I laugh thanking God that none of them are the girl in the back of the church about to be my wife. I chuckle because back in those days, this was the last thing I thought I wanted, and I’m gracious that I didn’t waste more of my life being such a dick. I feel bad for treating girls the way I did, namely Veronica. But I wouldn’t change my past. Without it, I don’t think I would have found my Gabby Girl.

  My thoughts are interrupted with the announcement, “Please rise.”

  Feet are shuffling as our guests stand to the loud and abrupt organ playing the wedding march.

  I didn’t think I wanted this. I had no idea how complete another individual could make me feel. Not just any individual, her. Gabby. The doors open, and I see her. It’s the moment I have been waiting for. A moment I have yearned for a year. I knew I couldn’t lose her. The feeling of emptiness during those three months that summer were almost more than I could bear.

  What makes this even more special is to know what we’ve been through to get to this point. It’s not as if we have had it easy. I know as I watch those doors open, that if we can get through what we already have, then we can overcome anything.

  My hands are folded in front of me as I stand waiting. The seconds feel more like hours. I can’t wait to see her. The anticipation is pulling at my gut. I’m not nervous about getting married, yet I can’t ignore the overwhelming flutters being tossed about in my stomach.

  Gabby is finally in view, and she’s breathtakingly beautiful. Of course, it doesn’t take much. The dress is exquisite. She looks like Cinderella. I had a feeling she’d choose a full ball gown style dress. It’s strapless and has a lavender belt with a flower. The top is beaded, and the bottom has chiffon gathered. It fits her like a glove. Her hair is pulled back loosely into a twist. I notice that the tendril I always put behind her ear is framing her face. I can’t help but smile.

  As beautiful as she is, I can’t wait to find out what’s under that dress. I am sure that the wait until tonight will seem like eternity. It will make the waiting for the past year seem like a cinch. It will be pure torture to know that she’s mine, yet I have to wait to enjoy her.

  I hold Gabby’s hand in the crook of my arm. I glance at her as we start our walk. I take in this moment. It’s a moment that I never thought I’d get the honor of experiencing. It’s a moment that I thought had been lost on poor choices. I didn’t deserve a second chance, but none of us do. None of us deserve the good things that come our way. It’s by grace, love, and forgiveness that any of us experience joy.

  I’ve followed the girls all these years from a distance. I’ve been so proud of the women they have become. I am not going to lie. When I found out Gabby was seeing Bradley Banks, I was more than worried about her heart. I robbed myself of the opportunity to have the fatherly talk with boys. I have been pleasantly surprised by him. His love and adoration for her is more than obvious. Man to man, it’s clear that he has every intention of taking care of my daughter for the rest of his life.

  It’s abundantly clear that Bradley Banks is Gabby’s soul mate. I’m grateful that I get the opportunity to participate in this day. I couldn’t be a prouder father at this moment. There are two things that could make this day better. One is for Sam to afford me the forgiveness that Gabby has, and the other is that Grace would be here to watch this moment. I have many regrets about my past. She and what happened with the girls are by far my biggest one.

  I’ve learned we can’t live in the past, though. I’ve learned that you have to live day by day. One step at a time. One foot in front of the other. As we walk slowly to the front of this church, I know that I have done the best I can to make sure my present and my future are better. I’ve done all I can do. Sam’s willingness to forgive me is out of my hands. I refuse to dwell in the past. I refuse to spend the time I have with Gabby worrying.

  I glance over to Cindy. She’s sitting on the first pew of the bride’s side. She had always wanted a girl and now she has two. She doesn’t care that Sam doesn’t consider her a mother. She considers Sam her own. She loves the girls as if they were Evan, our son. He’s standing at the front as a groomsman. I realize in this moment that my life has come full circle.

  While I deeply regret my decisions when I was younger, without them I wouldn’t have Cindy. I wouldn’t have Evan. Now I have everything I could have ever possibly wanted, well almost, anyway.

  I am standing in between Gabby and Bradley. I just got her back, and I’m about to have to give her away. The preacher gives the call to worship and the opening prayer then asks, “Who gives this woman to this man?” I clear my throat. “Her family...” I look to Sam. “...and I do.” She doesn’t smile, but rather looks to Gabby and smiles. I know she’s not happy with me. I understand it. I’m just glad that she’s not letting it spoil Gabby’s day.

  I take Bradley’s hand and place it into Gabby’s. I turn and lift her veil slightly and give her a kiss on the cheek. “Thank you for allowing me a new beginning. Today you start your new beginning. I love you.” She kisses me back and a tear has already escaped those big hazel eyes of hers. I put my thumb up and catch it before I drop the veil back over her face.

  I walk back to the pew and sit next to Cindy, and I’m not able to hold back my own tears at this point. Cindy threads her fingers into mine and rests her head on my shoulder. My cup runneth over.

  I have vowed to not spoil her day. The sight of our father makes me feel sick. I can’t stand this tension between all of us. I’m not saying I’m never going to come around, but it’s going to take me more than five minutes to get right with him.

  Gabby hands me her bouquet. The flowers are exactly like the flowers from Cade’s and Kristen’s wedding. I thought she might want something different, but Bradley insisted the flowers be the same. This day is very similar to the day she met him. I wouldn�
��t want that personally, but it’s not my day, and no one really asked me.

  I smile as I put the bouquet in my free hand. I am facing the groomsman. Ryan and Joe are right beside each other. It’s impossible for me to look at one without seeing the other. I listen to the words to this song and realize I am so confused. I turn back to Gabby and Bradley because I need to focus on my baby sister. As frustrated as I’ve been with her, I need to be there for her.

  I am pulled into her side like we’re the strongest magnets attracting one another. I whisper, “I love that dress, I love everything. You look sensational, Miss Gerhart.”

  She beams. “You clean up nicely, too.”

  I look into Gabby’s eyes and quietly sing the lyrics of the song that Stella is singing to her. When she first played this song for me, I knew that I had to do this. It’s perfect and I love the message. “She was lost in so many different ways. Out in the darkness with no guide.”

  She has tears in her eyes. I don’t care if they are happy tears. It twists my heart in ways I didn’t know possible. I sing some more. I’ve never sang to her. “Sometimes love can come and pass you by while you’re busy making plans.”

  I have to stop because I am having trouble holding it together. When Stella is done, we both look to her and nod because she just did a fantastic job singing that song.

  The preacher starts the ceremony. Talking about love being patient. Check. Love being kind. Check. Love enduring all things. Another check. Yes, all that is applicable. There is nothing I wouldn’t do for her. And I know that there is nothing she wouldn’t do for me. She’s a rare gem, she’s my gem. I’m not worthy.

  I hardly hear half of what he’s saying. Good thing we’ve paid someone a lot of money to make a DVD. We’ll most definitely have to go back and watch this. I hear, “Bradley and Gabby. I understand you’ve written your own vows?”

  We both look up and nod our head. We agreed we’d write our own and memorize them. I worried at first about writing our own. I worried they wouldn’t be original or that I’d leave something out, but I read them to Mom and Carmen and they both agreed they were good. I hope she’ll like them. Here goes nothing.