Pulse

by Kristine Dugger

  He muffles, “You up?”

  I somberly answer, “Yes.”

  “I appreciate you helping out tonight. It means a lot. You pretty much won my mother over with your help. Your mother’s speech was remarkable and gave me goosebumps.”

  “There is a but, though…”

  “Paige, I don’t know. Part of me wants to give this another shot, but the other part of me says no.”

  “I want to prove to you that you are what I want and need.”

  “How do I know I won’t be second best again?”

  “I’m sorry for making you feel like that. It was so wrong of me. Please know, in my heart, that I care for you more than second best. You are number one.”

  “I just don’t know. I don’t let people back in after they have burned me, especially after I told them how I feel.”

  “I understand that. Leo, I will do whatever it takes.”

  “My father said the same thing numerous times. We all know how that went.”

  “I’m not your father.”

  “But you did the same as him,” he sighs, “You are crawling back like he does and asking for forgiveness. The only reason I forgave him, is because he is my father. You are someone who I happen to enjoy fucking.”

  “Wow, really, Leo? Someone you enjoy fucking?”

  “Remember our deal in the beginning?”

  “How can I not?”

  “That is all you were until…”

  “Until what?”

  “I’m not saying it.”

  Annoyed with where this conversation is going, I push myself off of him and get up off the bed. I start to dress myself. I say, “Leo, I get it. I fucked up royally. I know it is asking a lot of you to take back someone who has hurt you. But I did it once. I regret that decision. I should’ve realized it back then. But my dumb ass was clouded by my past and the stability of that past. When we were at the cabin a few weeks ago, I knew what I am missing in my life. It is you. The one who got this oh-so-plain-Jane to come out of her shell. Because of you, I like who I am. I am comfortable with who I am. And when we are together like this, we feed off each other. I am no longer starving.”

  He interrupts, “Paige, I don’t know.”

  “Damn it, Leo, it is either you do or don’t know. This wishy-washy business is getting old.”

  “Getting old, really? You were wishy-washy the entire time we were together. One moment you were all about us and the next it was a done deal; I am moving on despite the potential that was there. You don’t get to decide when you get to come back to me. I make that decision. You chose someone else. Remember that? I suggest you leave now. I will contact you if I feel the need to get laid.”

  “Are you serious?”

  “Leave.”

  Now fully clothed, I grab my purse and walk out the door. The tears are building up in the corner of my eyes. I can’t let him see me cry. God, he is being an asshole. This is going to be beyond harder than I thought. This is worse than figuring out electrolyte balances on an acidotic patient. Well, he has no idea that I am the queen of problem-solving. Just wait, Leo, just wait. I will get you back.

  Chapter 12

  It is just another day at work. I am fortunate to be working with Britnee and Del. It makes life grand when they work with me. Del is complaining in the background that her patient pulled out his nasogastric tube.

  “Ugh, now I have to drop the NG back in,” Del whines.

  I have to laugh; not because the patient pulled out the tube, but more for the fact that this is usually a daily occurrence in the Unit. The patients hate the NG tube. I don’t blame. Who would like a small tube shoved down their nose through their throat and into their stomach? The thought of something tickling my throat gives me the quivers. Then the tube is taped to their cheek. Another quiver. I get it why they pull it out. It is a nuisance for everybody involved. Well, except me. I nerd out with deciding on what formula to put them on and what rate to calculate. Should we do continuous twenty-four-hour or nocturnal feedings? There are so many options.

  After Del is done dropping the tube, she walks over to me. “Hey, tonight we are going to Bexter’s. I need both Brit and you to be there. Karrie plans on being there. It is really important. No excuses. Be there.”

  “Well, aren’t we demanding today.”

  “Girl, you best recognize.”

  I laugh, “You’re whacked.”

  Her face stern. “Seriously, be there, okay?”

  “I will be there.” I wonder what is up her ass today. Del is rarely serious. I am not sure if I should prepare myself for the worst or the best. She is an anomaly.

  ***

  After work, we all leave at the same time. It has been a long day in the Unit. I am curious as to why Del is so insistent on us getting together. Whatever it is, I am assuming it is extremely important.

  When I arrive to Bexter’s it is a little chilly outside, but not too bad. In ways, it reminds me of the night I met Leo. Del was dead set on getting me hooked up with somebody that night. She hand-picked Leo without knowing that he had interest in me the moment he spotted me. He was charismatic and everything I wasn’t sure I wanted. We talked. We laughed. We flirted. We became one that night. What was supposed to be one night of literally the best sex I have ever had, turned into a love affair that could potentially leave two hearts broken. I hate that I screwed up what we had. Love was there. But if I chose him, would we still be together? I can’t answer that because I will never know. But one thing I know for sure is that if he gives me a second chance, I am going to love him to the fullest.

  I sit down at the table where Del, Brit, and Karrie are sitting. Del is antsy. I look at her and ask, “Are you okay?”

  Brit comments, “Yeah, you have been on edge all day. You were even short with the patients today, and you are never short with the patients. Families usually request you, but not today.”

  Del looks down and takes a deep breath. She responds, “Okay, ladies. Greg and I are eloping.”

  All three of our mouths fall to the floor. Wait. What?

  Karrie inquires, “You’re eloping? Didn’t you just reject his proposal a few weeks ago.”

  Del smiles, “Yes and yes.”

  I probe, “What about you saying you two were going to wait a couple of months?”

  Her cheeks turn rosy as she blushes. “Greg and I talked. He loves me. I love him. I honestly can’t see my life without him. So, why wait?”

  Brit asks, “What about children?”

  Del takes another deep breath. “Greg wants children. We have compromised.”

  My turn. “Compromised what?”

  Another breath taken by Del. “We are seeing a grief counselor together. At the fundraiser, hearing your mother’s speech, and seeing her regroup since losing your father, gave me hope. Seeing her look at Ricardo. She was glowing. I know I am shining with Greg. He wants children. He said when I am ready for whatever, he will be ready. He only wants to be with me. Girls, I love him so much.”

  Tears form in the corners of my eyes. My friend found her one true love. Greg is willing to do whatever it takes for Del. In return, she has opened herself to a future with him and possibly having babies together. I lean over to my friend and give her a big hug. Then, Karrie and Brit join in on the hug.

  Del cries, “I love you, ladies. Y’all are my best friends. I want you all to be a part of our wedding.”

  All of us, wiping the tears from our eyes, nod in agreement to being in the wedding. Del smiles like a child in a candy store. It was kind of scary, like she was going to eat our smiles. “Okay, ladies. In two weeks, we are going to Vegas.”

  Double whammy.

  Karrie blurts out, “Say what? Vegas in two weeks?”

  Brit requests, “How do you expect us all to manage that?”

  Another goofy-ass smile courtesy of Del. “I actually got it covered. I talked with our manager about us all getting it off. They are working on it.” She looks at me. “Paige, you think you can
swing it? It wouldn’t be the same without my matron of honor.”

  Did she really just designate me with the role of matron of honor? I am totally flabbergasted. I look at her and say, “I will make it work.”

  I am not a hundred percent sure how I am going to make it work, but I will make it work. Del is my best friend. We have been through thick and thin together. I can’t believe that in two weeks we will be in Vegas. Fuck, we have a lot of planning to do. Bachelorette party in two, in Vegas. Got it. In my opinion, about all of this, Del has lost her absolute mind, planning a wedding in two weeks. But she says she has it covered.

  Chapter 13

  It is the Wednesday before Del’s wedding. I am having dinner with my favorite older couple who have become surrogate parents to me, Danny and Helen. Over the last several months, I try to have dinner with them once a month, sometimes more. It all depends. Danny has somewhat become like a father figure to me. Don’t get me wrong, he is not my father by any means, but he is there for me like a father. I love him for that. He opened up his home and family to me. I was even invited for Thanksgiving dinner, which I had to respectfully declined. My sister would have my head if I skipped my family dinner.

  What can I say about Danny and Helen…? Have you ever experienced having a connection with someone and there is no rhyme or reason why, you just clicked? That is my Danny and Helen. Their story about falling in love with each other has always had an impact on me. I want what they have. Seeing how they act together makes me crave that same kind of love. Danny always holds Helen’s hand when we are at a restaurant to have dinner. The only time he lets it go is when they are eating. When he looks at her, there is a sense of admiration and pride. Like that is his woman. I want that. I didn’t get that with Jake. Clearly, Jake and I were not compatible with each other. For Christ’s sake, we both cheated on each other. I wonder how long he would’ve gone along with it if I didn’t confess my infidelity.

  I need to stop looking at the what if and focus on the presence. Tomorrow will be the start of a weekend of love between two people who have probably been through more than what most couples have. My best friend is marrying the brother of the man I love and can’t get out of my head. There is no mistaking that. This where Helen and Danny come into play. I need their perspective on what to do. Leo and I will practically be together all weekend long. We are even walking down the aisle together as matron of honor and best man. This is my weekend to officially get him back into my life.

  I am the first to arrive at the restaurant. Helen and Danny always choose the restaurant with fear that I am going to choose something off the wall healthy. I would never do that unless I am with like-minded nutrition nerds like myself. Helen picked an old Italian steakhouse on the south side of Omaha. This restaurant was straight up a scene from Goodfellas, straight Mafia style. Upper half mirrored walls with red suede-like walls beneath the mirrors, gold accents and numerous chandeliers throughout the establishment. There is even a dance floor with a disco ball hanging above it. Helen states they have the best steaks in town. Too bad I am not a steak eater.

  The hostess sits me down at one of the tables with four chairs. The waitress comes by to get my drink order. I order a bottle of Cabernet for the three of us. As she is pouring our wine, when in walks Danny and Helen, holding hands, of course. I stand up to greet them with a bright smile on my face. I just love them.

  Danny lets go of his wife’s hand and greets me with a big bear hug. Helen does the same. We all sit down and start to drink our wine. Danny asks, “Paige, how have you been?”

  I answer, “Doing great. I leave tomorrow for Vegas for a couple of days.”

  Helen chimes in, “Oh, how fun. Vegas will be good for someone your age. Lots to do there.”

  I grin, “Del and Greg are getting married.”

  Helen again. “Oh my, that is wonderful news.”

  “I am pretty excited and happy for her. I just can’t believe she planned a wedding in two weeks.”

  Danny looks at me and says, “Women! Y’all can do anything in a short amount of time. Determination is what you call it.”

  I have to giggle at Danny’s comment. Before we continued our conversation, the waitress comes over to get our dinner order. Danny and Helen both order the whiskey New York strip and I ordered chicken parmesan. This restaurant is so old school, you get both soup, salad, and bread before your entrée.

  I need their advice on Leo. But before I can go there, a very familiar, a little too familiar face appeared at the entrance of the restaurant. It was Leo and his father. I remember him from the one time I saw them together. Leo is the spitting image of his father, except his father has gray hair. Leo must have sensed my stare because he looks up from the hostess podium and looks directly at me. I smile at him. For the first time, he doesn’t look like he is furious to see me. He grins back. God, I love that smile of his.

  Helen notices my gaze. She asks, “Honey, who is he?”

  I answer, “Leo.”

  Danny repeats, “Who is he?”

  I reply, “The person I wanted to talk to you about.”

  Helens glances at Leo and then me. “Do tell?”

  Before I can answer, Leo and his father walk by and stop next to our table. I am a ball of nerves. He is actually stopping by the table to say hi. I start to perspire. This is what he does to me.

  Danny stands up to greet Leo and his father. He greets them, “Hello.”

  Leo reaches out his hand and says, “Hi. I’m Leo Davis and this is my father, Robert Davis.” He looks at me. “Hi, Paige.”

  “Hi, Leo,” I pause then fumble my words, “This is Danny and Helen. Friends of mine.”

  Danny looks at Leo’s father, who is just standing there quietly, minding his own business. Danny states, “I know you. You are my cardiologist’s partner.”

  Fucking great. There is a connection.

  Dr. Robert Davis accepts the small talk. “Harold or Phillip?”

  He jokes, “The one that gets a kick out of opening up my chest. Dr. Jansonkowski.”

  Leo’s father starts to laugh, “Good old Harold. He is surgery happy, isn’t he?”

  I look at Leo and he is shaking his head at his father. Leo probably gets this all the time, people knowing his father or even knowing the Davis name. Well, at least, in the medical field.

  Leo’s attention gears toward me once again. “Well, Paige, I will let you carry on with your dinner. I just figured I would come by and say hi. See you tomorrow.” He looks over at Helen and Danny. “It was a pleasure meeting you two.”

  Danny answers for both Helen and him, “Likewise.”

  As they walk away, I sigh a deep breath of relief that they are gone. Helen smirks, “All right, let us know all about him.”

  I look back at Leo to see him still looking at me. I answer, “I love him.”

  Helen’s eyes squint. “You love him but you are not with him?”

  “Nope. He won’t take me back.”

  Danny interrupts, “That is horse shit.”

  Helen raises her voice at her husband, “Danny, language.”

  Danny apologizes, “Sorry. I can’t help it. Why wouldn’t he want to be with Paige? She is a catch.”

  I shake my head at him and say, “Not really. I have made some dumb decisions that affected him and me both.”

  Helen asks, “Like what, dear?”

  Ashamed of myself, I look down. “I chose Jake over him. I realize it, now, that I made a mistake. I broke his heart. I’m trying to get him back. I have done almost everything.”

  Danny asks, “Like what?”

  “I volunteered my mother to speak at his mother’s fundraiser. Basically putting it all out there telling him I love him.”

  Helen comments, “Have you shown him?”

  I answer, “What do you mean? I believe so.”

  Helen continues, “In ways, you have. But have you shown him that your love is stronger than the word itself? Have you taken what you’ve known about him a
nd relay it in your own way? For example, Danny is my proud Navy man. One day, we were in Australia visiting my family. We were so busy. Danny had no idea his ship was at port while we were there. My father knew and told me in advance. So I planned a picnic on the beach we met at and then, later, took him to visit his boat. Danny was so excited about showing me his ship. He was so proud. Yes, we were madly in love with each other. But I wanted to show him that I wanted to be a part of his life that was very important to him. It was his service days.”

  Danny grabs Helen’s hand and whispers, “I love you.”

  I smile at both of them. I ask, “How do I show him?”

  She answers, “Paige, if you know him, then you will know exactly what to do. It has to come from an unselfish heart. And I know that heart of yours is filled with compassion and love. You just need to channel that toward Leo by acting, and not telling. You can tell him you love him until you are blue in the face. You must show him.”

  Then, dinner arrives. We are quiet for some time. It is mostly because we are chowing down on this extravagant meal we are having. But, to be honest with myself, I am really just trying to focus on what I need to do to show Leo that we are made for each other. It does sound quite cheesy and cliché, but it is the truth. He is the only man that has allowed me to be me. He unleashed that tame kitten and let her play freely. He understands the importance of my career goals because he is career-minded like me. We always made time for each other. Even if it was sneaking off to his office and getting a quickie. He loved me and cared for the hot mess that is me. I know I have done some dumb things in my life but not realizing what I had in front of me was the biggest mistake I ever made.

  I love a good challenge. Leo is more than a good challenge; he is the ultimate challenge. One I plan to conquer, in more ways than one.

  Chapter 14