Broken Lives

by Brenda Kennedy

  “Alec, I will support you no matter what you decide. If you want to wait and think about it, take all the time you need — there’s no hurry.”

  “I’ll take some time and think about it. We still have the issue about Molly stalking you, Raelynn, or us. I’m not sure what her motive is or whom she is watching.”

  “I’m not worried about her; what could she possibly do?”

  During the day we stay home and get caught up on some cleaning, laundry, and yard work. I make a roast, potatoes, and carrots for dinner and Cheryl brings over one of her homemade spice cakes for dessert. Alec tells me that he spoke with his mom, and she agreed with me about letting Raelynn have her birthday card.

  James takes a nap, and I give Alec and Rae some time alone. I go into the bedroom and start straightening the clothes in the dressers. Before I am done, Raelynn walks into the room, carrying her birthday card from her mom. I look at Rae, then Alec, and then Rae again. “What’s this?” I ask, sitting on the edge of the bed. I already know what it is, but I don’t know what else to say.

  “Look, Emma, my mommy sent me a birthday card.” She walks over to me and holds the card out for me to see.

  I smile and take the card from her. I read the card to her although I know Alec already has. “Happy Birthday to my beautiful daughter.” The outside of the card has a woman and a girl all dressed up and sitting in front of a tea set, drinking tea. I open the card and read what is on the inside. “Today is your special day. Happy Birthday and I hope you have a wonderful day. I love and miss you. Mommy.” I open and close the card before handing it back to her. “This is a very nice card.”

  “Me and mommy used to have tea parties when she was here.” I pick up Rae and set her beside me on the bed. Alec is leaning in the doorway and watching us; he looks exhausted.

  “I’m sure she misses you very much.”

  “Daddy said she’s sick,” Rae says, sadly.

  “I’m sorry, Raelynn.”

  “Do you think we could make her a get-well card?”

  Alec speaks up and says, “Rae, we don’t know where she is. How will she get the card that you make for her?”

  “Daddy, the mailman knows where she is. He brought me the birthday card from her. We’ll put it in the mailbox, and he will take it to her. It will make her feel better.”

  I look at Alec, and he smiles and shakes his head. His daughter is a genius.

  Alec walks further into the room and kneels down in front of his daughter. “Raelynn, this may not work. He is a very busy man and he may not remember where she is.”

  “We won’t know if we don’t try,” she says, looking at him with her big blue eyes.

  “We’ll try it, but I don’t want you to get your hopes up.”

  I say, “All right, let me get the arts and crafts out, and you can make her a card.”

  Raelynn hugs me, “Emma, you’re the best.”

  I hug her back and kiss the top of her head. “I love you.”

  When Raelynn is finished making the get-well card for her mother, she immediately wants to mail it. I watch as Alec walks her the short distance to the mailbox. She places it in the mailbox as he looks up and down our street. He shows her that for out-going mail you need to raise the red flag on the mailbox to alert the mailman there is mail.

  Alec showers and gets ready for his midnight shift at work. We are in the bedroom when Alec asks, “Why do you think Molly sent Rae a card now?”

  “I think she truly misses and loves her.”

  He looks at me. “But, why now? Why didn’t she reach out to her over the past year?”

  I brush his hair away from his sweet face. “I wish I could answer that. Maybe she wasn’t around then or maybe she is trying to get help now. I have no idea.”

  “I hope Raelynn doesn’t get her hopes up. I have a feeling this isn’t going to benefit Raelynn at all.”

  “The worst case is that now Raelynn knows that her mom was thinking about her on her birthday.”

  He smiles at me and says, “You’re right, she was pretty excited about that card.” He looks at his watch and says, “Walk me to the door, or I’ll be late for work.”

  I kiss and hug him goodbye and he reminds me to lock up and to call 911, if anything happens. I laugh, but I lock up before going to bed.

  “Em, Emma, wake up.”

  I blink a few times and smile. Max is lying beside me on the bed. He smiles and his clear blue eyes are beautiful. “You’re here?”

  “I am, I have missed you,” he says, leaning over to kiss the tip of my nose. He gently caresses my earlobe like he always does. “I love you so much.”

  “I love you.”

  “Where have you been? You used to visit me more often.”

  “The less you need me, the less I need to come.”

  “But I’ll always need you.” I lean over and touch Max’s scruffy face.

  “Em, I’ll always love you. I just want you to be happy. Are you happy?”

  “I am. Alec is good to me and to James. But I still love you.”

  “Good, that’s all I care about, and it’s ok to love both of us.”

  “It is?”

  “You have no reason to feel bad for that. You have been blessed to find love twice in your life. Some people never find it at all. I just want you to be happy and to love again.”

  “Thank you.”

  “Em, there is going to be a time when someone you meet will need your help.”

  “Who? I don’t understand.”

  “When the time comes, you will understand. Em, I love you, always and forever?” He smiles.

  “Forever and always,” I correct.

  I wake up and my heart hurts for Max. I think about him everyday, but when he visits me in my dreams, it makes me miss him that much more. The less you need me, the less I need to come. Soon he will stop showing up at all. A tear slides down my cheek. It’s ok to love both of us. Max is giving me permission to move on without him. He understands that I can still love him and someone else. I know that Max watches me and he knows that Alec has a daughter. Max and I once spoke of having more children. Max wants me to be a mother to Raelynn — she needs my help, the help of a mother. I pick up my phone and text Alec.

  Emma: I miss you.

  I lay my phone down, not expecting him to reply. I am surprised when my phone chirps with a text message alert.

  Alec: I miss you, too. Is everything all right?

  Emma: I’m fine, I can’t sleep.

  Alec: I can’t sleep, either.

  I giggle at his playfulness. Of course, he can’t sleep. He is working.

  Emma: Well that’s a good thing — it is hard to sleep when you’re saving lives.

  Alec: I’m no hero tonight; the most heroic thing I have done so far is toast a bagel without burning it. Go back to bed and dream of me.

  Emma: Stay awake and think of me.

  I am able to go back to sleep and I dream of Alec. I wake up before the alarm and shower before getting the kids up for school. The kids get dressed, and we eat breakfast together before leaving for work and school. I text Alec and tell him to have a good sleep, and then I drive to work after dropping the kids off at school.

  Sara, Brea, and I work well into the afternoon before stopping for a break. Angel walks in, carrying lunch for everyone.

  “I hope I’m not too late and you guys haven’t already eaten lunch,” she says, closing the door behind her.

  Sara stands up to help her in with the food. “No, we haven’t had a break yet. We didn’t expect to see you here today.”

  “I know. Mason and I wanted to do something nice for you guys.”

  Brea and I also stand and follow everyone into the break room. Angel and Sara place all the food on the table and we begin to dig in.

  “How are you feeling, Angel?” I ask, looking over at her.

  She smiles before answering. “I feel great. The morning sickness is about over and my boobs hurt. They are getting bigger. Mason says t
hat the Titty Fairy keeps visiting me. But, other than that, I feel great.”

  “When is your ultrasound scheduled?” Brea asks.

  “Tomorrow morning, we are the first appointment. We won’t find out the sex tomorrow, will we?”

  “No, not yet. It’s too soon. Your babies will still look like peanuts. Babies? I can’t believe you are having twins,” Brea says excitedly.

  Angel pats her small baby bump. “I know, every time I think about it, it’s like the first time I am hearing it. I think I am still in shock.”

  “I loved being pregnant,” I say, sadly. “Max was so loving and sweet during my pregnancy. We always said we wanted three kids. Feeling your baby kick you was just amazing.”

  I feel the tears start to build up in my eyes when Brea says, “She’s right, it’s the most amazing feeling in the world.”

  Angel sniffles and says, “Mason touches my belly every day and he talks to the babies like they can hear him. It is so sweet and caring. He will make a great dad.”

  The phone rings and reminds us we are still at work.

  “I need to get going,” Angel says as she stands up.

  We clean up, thank Angel for lunch, and say our goodbyes. Later that day, I get a text from Alec saying he’ll get the kids from school. As soon as I arrive home, I check the mail and I am excited to see that some of the platoon members have returned their RSVP for the July 4th party. I call Brooke to let her know the party will definitely be taking place.

  On June 17th, the 5th anniversary of Max’s death, I take the day off from work and do nothing. It’s been five years since his death, and it is still very painful. I am moving on with Alec, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t miss and love Max.

  When Alec comes home from his morning run, he notices my eyes are red and swollen. He comes up and kisses me.

  “I’m sorry, Baby. I know you miss him.” He holds me close to him.

  “I love you, but I do miss Max. I know that sounds like it can’t be possible, but it is.” He hugs me back, and I rest my head on my chest.

  “I know that you can love the both of us. I wish I knew what to do to help you.”

  He offers what comfort he can for me. James appears sad, too. Even though he can’t remember his dad, I know he misses him.

  “I have an idea, what was Max’s favorite meal?” Alec asks.

  “It was a clam bake, additional seafood of any kind, and strawberry cheesecake for dessert. Oh, and his mother’s homemade cornbread. Why?”

  “I think from now on, on this date, we should have Max’s favorite meal,” Alec looks from me and then to James. “On the anniversary of his death, I think we should have a clambake with additional seafood, cornbread, and strawberry cheesecake to honor him. I also think it may help with the sadness of losing him.”

  “Alec, I don’t know. I don’t have the stuff, and I’m not dressed. I’m not really up to that.”

  “Emma, we have to eat. You shower and get ready and James, Raelynn, and I will run to the store to get what we need.”

  He reaches for his car keys and cell phone from the counter and starts to walk out the door with James and Raelynn.

  “Do you need a grocery list?” I ask, looking up at him.

  “That might help,” he says, laughing.

  Alec

  On the way to the store, I make a few phone calls to Cheryl and Millie. I also call Brooke while I’m at it. Raelynn, James, and I buy everything on the list plus some. I also buy an extra stockpot to make sure we can cook everything. James and Raelynn also think we need to buy some bubbles and coloring books. Good idea, I think to myself. It beats the junk food we bought the last time we shopped together. I frequently buy extra while shopping. I once went to a store to buy milk and came back with a hundred dollars of groceries — but no milk. However, right now I have a good reason for buying extra food.

  When we get home and everything is carried in the house and put away, I take my shower and get dressed. I decide on a pair of tan cargo pants and a white linen shirt. When I walk into the kitchen, Emma is standing in front of the refrigerator with the door open.

  “Alec, I think you bought too much seafood,” she says, looking at everything in the refrigerator.

  “You can never have too much seafood.”

  “I don’t understand why you bought so much seafood! You bought twice as much as I put on the list. There is no way we’ll be able to eat everything.” She closes the refrigerator door and looks up at me. Even with her makeup on, her eyes are still red and puffy.

  “I just wanted to make sure we had enough. You never know when someone will show up to dinner.”

  Emma and I sit outside on the lanai and watch as Raelynn and James play with their bubbles, then they play on the jungle gym for awhile. Emma looks sad and doesn’t say much. I know she loves me and I also know her heart is broken over the loss of Max. I can never replace him, and I don’t want to.

  “Stay here and watch the kids and I’ll start dinner.”

  “I’m sorry, Alec. I’m just not up to cooking today.”

  “I understand, stay here and I’ll get everything ready.” I bend down and kiss her before walking away.

  I get the food all prepped while playing a Carrie Underwood CD that was already in the stereo. I look out the window, and when I see Cheryl, Millie, Gene, and Danny pull in, I yell for Emma.

  “Emma, can you help me for a minute?”

  She walks into the room with a somber look on her face and asks, “What can I do to help?”

  “Get the door for me, please.”

  She looks out the door and smiles when she sees her parents and Max’s parents walking down the sidewalk carrying containers of food. I stand behind her and watch as Gene carries a cheesecake and Danny carries a plate of cornbread. I am happy to see that Max’s parents are smiling.

  “I didn’t know you called them.”

  “I know, it’s hard to celebrate Max’s life without the people who knew him the best.”

  “Oh, Alec, this is so thoughtful of you.” She stands on her tiptoes and hugs me.

  “I don’t like seeing you so sad. There isn’t anything I won’t do for you. I hope you know that.”

  “I’m sorry, and I do know that. Thank you so much.”

  “You’re welcome; now get the door for them.”

  She smiles and walks away from me. She greets everyone with a hug as they walk into the house. They greet me warmly before going to the lanai to see the kids. When the water boils, I add the potatoes, corn on the cob, crab legs, and shrimp to the steaming water. I turn around and see Danny and Cheryl walking in from the lanai.

  Cheryl walks up to me and says, “Alec, we want to thank you for doing this. It was very thoughtful of you to do this for Emma and James and for us.”

  “No need to thank me. I don’t like seeing her so sad.”

  “It is a very hard time for all of us, but this —” she says, looking around the kitchen at the steam pots, “— this eases some of the pain. To know that we are all here celebrating our son’s life and not mourning his death.”

  “Thank you, Alec, thank you for doing this for all of us.” Cheryl reaches up and hugs me before turning to leave the room.

  Danny clears his throat and says, “We love Emma as if she is our own daughter, and we couldn’t have chosen a better man, other than Max, for her and James than you. For you to do this for them on this day says a lot about you. Thank you.” He reaches his hand out to shake mine.

  I take a step forward and shake his hand before saying, “Danny, you’re welcome. I love them and there isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for either of them.”

  “Since Max can’t be here with them, I’m glad that you are. You’re a good man, Alec.”

  “Thank you, sir. I appreciate that.”

  Brooke, Brice, and the boys show up, carrying a bowl of fresh fruit and fruit dip. Danny puts a CD in and tells everyone this was Max’s favorite band when he was in high school. Rascal Flatts st
arts playing and everyone sings their hit song “Life is a Highway.” When the food is done, we all sit outside around the picnic table, eating, and they share happy memories about Max.

  James sits there and listens intently to the stories being told about his dad.

  Brice says, “Max was so enthusiastic about the Army. In boot camp, he asked so many questions that our drill sergeant made him carry around a potted plant for an entire day so it would replace the oxygen the drill sergeant said he was wasting.”

  “That’s my son,” Danny says, proudly.

  “Brice, I didn’t know that,” Emma says, laughing. I smile at her because it’s good to see her smile.

  “He made me promise not to tell anyone.” He looks up at the sky and says, “Sorry, buddy, I had to.”

  Emma smiles at me, holds my hand under the table, and leans into me. I kiss the top of her head and rub her back with my free hand. Millie makes a pot of coffee and we have fresh strawberry cheesecake for dessert. This is another of Max’s favorites made by his mother.

  After everything is cleaned up and put away and the visit is over, Emma, James, Raelynn, and I walk everyone to the door. We say our goodbyes with smiles and laughter. When the last car pulls out of the driveway, I close the door and lock it.

  Emma stands beside me and says, “Thank you. I haven’t smiled on this day in five years.”

  I wrap my arms around her and kiss her tiny nose. “It turned out better than I expected.”

  “I’m sorry about earlier; you were trying so hard and I should have made more of an attempt.”

  “No need to apologize. I’m just glad it worked out.”

  She wraps her arm around me and hugs me.

  Once the kids are showered and in bed, I walk past the door and see that James is lying there awake. I walk into his room and see that Raelynn is already asleep. I quietly kneel down by his bed and ask, “What’s the matter, buddy?”

  “I miss my daddy.” He blinks and a tear slides down his face and lands on the pillow.

  “I’m sorry, James. I know that he misses you, more.”

  “He tells me in my dreams that he loves me ever and ever.” I touch his cheek lightly and wipe his tear away. “Alec, if I can’t have my daddy, I’m berry glad that I have you.”