Shalia's Diary #5

by Tracy St. John

  Sleeping eight hours straight with no nightmares does wonders for a girl. I’m upbeat and enthusiastic today. I’ve asked Candy and Katrina go through ship’s stores with me tomorrow to look for baby things. Betra made an inquiry on my behalf to the acquisitions officer, and he confirmed there are some infant clothes and paraphernalia on board. I’m excited to see what I can get my little one.

  But I was talking about Oses stopping by, wasn’t I? I wasn’t the only one who looked like last night did bountiful good. I hadn’t realized my Nobek sweetheart had been sporting deep circles under his eyes, or how strained his overall look had become until I saw him looking so much better this afternoon. I think he’s lost some weight too. At any rate, he looked more at ease and healthier than I’ve seen him in too long.

  Note to self: have Betra check on Oses to make sure he’s doing okay. I know those Nobeks don’t like to admit to weakness, but even Big, Bad, and Beastly needs someone to talk to. I think he needs to vent to another man, one who cares about him. Betra has known Oses far longer than I have. As a fellow crewmember in a sometimes hostile situation, he’s got to have insight I don’t.

  Oses seemed particularly happy to get a kiss. I felt his happiness poking me in the stomach as I clung, my arms slung around his neck. He hadn’t quite made it into my quarters; the door was still open and anyone who wandered the corridor could see us. I didn’t care.

  Neither did Oses. He returned my kiss with interest and chuckled when we broke apart. “I’m glad to see you too, pet,” he told me. “You make me wish I wasn’t on duty.”

  “So what brings you wandering past Shalia Land?” I asked, tugging him into my sitting room. The door shut behind him, and we were alone. I was a little disappointed I wouldn’t be able to crawl all over him. My hormones seemed to be cooking on high once again.

  “I’m doing a security tour of the ship. I had a message for you, so I thought I would deliver it in person rather than on the com.”

  I sighed and ran my fingers over his chest to let him know where my thoughts were. Okay, my thoughts were aimed at a part south of Oses’ chest, but I didn’t want to tease him too much. It wouldn’t be nice to send the brute back to work with a boner.

  Oses grinned, a real big lusty smile just for me. He looked so much like pre-Finiuld Oses in that moment. I can’t begin to say how happy it made me to see him like that.

  I said, “So what did you want to tell me? Get it out and then you get out, because you are entirely too delicious to have my hands on and not be allowed to enjoy.”

  He snickered, amused by my antics. “I need you to go see Dr. Feru today.”

  That cooled my jets a bit. “What for? Don’t tell me you think I’m loopy again, because I’m doing better than—”

  Oses put a finger over my mouth to silence me. “I think you’re doing perfectly fine. I want you to re-take your psychological exam so I can clear you to resume blaster training.”

  “Oh.” That made sense. I was delighted to hear Oses thought I was ready to get back into the swing of things. “That would be great! Katrina has completed her training, and Candy is pretty sure she’ll ace her final test in a few days. I’ve got a lot of catching up to do.”

  “Yes, you do. Dr. Feru expects you in his office in one hour.”

  “Okay.” I eyed Oses speculatively. “I wonder how I could pass the time until then?”

  The Nobek gave me a bland look, though his eyes gleamed with amusement. “I suggest you make it a solo activity. I have to get back to work.”

  I blew a raspberry at him. He swatted my ass and gave me a kiss before taking that fine body away.

  I took the test and passed it with flying colors. I also complained about the sedative Dr. Feru had given me.

  “Hallucinations?” he said with a frown. “I’ve never known it to cause that kind of side effect in Earthers or Kalquorians. It inhibits the part of the brain that dreams, so it shouldn’t allow anything like that.”

  “Okay, so I woke up and something big, dark, and scary was in my room with me. Something that disappeared into the shadows.” I rolled my eyes at him. “Some people are seeing ghosts on the ship. Maybe your honored dead are paying me visits.”

  Dr. Feru stared at me, no doubt thinking I was making fun of him. After a moment he shook his head and gave me a different sedative to try. He said he’d forward his clearance for me to resume blaster training, though I could tell he was second-guessing the test results.

  Doctors. Why do they think they have all the answers when we patients have the proof?

  April 4, fucking early o’clock

  What the fuck is going on???

  Now I wish I’d taken the sedative Dr. Feru gave me. But no, I had to be tough Shalia. I was sure I’d beaten the stupid nightmares. I showed them who was boss by not taking the drugs and sleeping all alone in my room despite invites from Candy, Betra, and Oses. I even turned my lights almost all the way down. Damn right I did. I left the room as close to pitch black as it could be while still giving myself just enough light to find the bathroom if I needed it. Now it’s the middle of the night and I’m wide awake, cowering in my bed. There were no nightmares, but real life is doing a number on me now.

  I think I saw the ghost.

  I saw something, damn it. It wasn’t a dream and it wasn’t a hallucination. It was in my room and it was real. I have proof. I’m staring at the evidence.

  I should com Betra. He’s on call day and night. But first I want to stop shaking. I’m tired of being fragile Shalia. I want to be my old tough pre-kidnapping self again. And if I can’t be that Shalia, I want to at least fake it. As soon as I stop shaking, I’ll com my liaison and show him that someone or something was in my quarters. Something that can disappear into thin air.

  I woke up about twenty minutes ago. I had the idea that something had touched me, brushing against my face, though I felt nothing when I swam into consciousness. My heart was hammering like it had the other night though, when the sedation had left me frozen solid in my bed. At first I tried to console myself that I was having another weird medication-inspired trip. It took a few seconds for me to remember I hadn’t taken anything. I was trying to be old Shalia. I was trying to not be damaged anymore.

  So I sat up, and that’s when I saw the dark shape again. The huge black shadow that looked like some mighty beast was there. It was blacker than the other shadows, all hunched up as if it could make itself smaller that way, as if it could escape my stare. Last time it had been near the doorway. This time, it was in the corner closest to my bed. All that stood between me and it was a bunch of shelves and the crap I had cluttered on them.

  I couldn’t scream. Hell, I couldn’t breathe for the next few seconds. Every fiber of my being was yelling twenty different things at once: Run! Attack! Call for help! Confront it!

  Meanwhile, that – thing simply stood as still as a statue, seemingly every bit as frozen as I was.

  When I could breathe again, my voice was an awful whispery thing, as terrified as a small child’s. “Who’s there?” I quavered.

  No answer. It didn’t move.

  I remember being a child afraid of the dark. Like most children, I would pull the covers over my head because nothing says Monster Protection like a market-ordered bedspread. I’m not a child anymore, but the urge to hide under the covers was almost overpowering.

  Being afraid in my own room had the bizarre effect of pissing me off. I was supposed to be safe here, so long as the transport wasn’t under attack. I was free of Finiuld’s ship, where there had been nothing but fear. I was home. Nothing had the right to make me terrified, not in this space that I had claimed until I made it to Kalquor.

  The spike of anger gave me the moment’s courage I needed to shout, “Lights up full!”

  In the bare second it took for the panels in the wall to respond with illumination, the dark shape moved. It knocked against my shelves, sending a couple of hair clips, a lipstick, and my half-drunk cup of water crashing to the
floor. I saw a hint of a blurred form streaking towards the door that led to my sitting room before the lights came up well enough to see by. Then it disappeared, a smear of black nearly seven feet high.

  I saw it. I know I saw it. But I don’t know what it was.

  My brief burst of bravery disappeared with that dark entity. I’ve been sitting in my bed for the last few minutes, listening over my own gasping breath for any sounds in the sitting room. I’ve heard nothing but me breathe and the soft rustling of me moving against my bedding. I finally grabbed my handheld to write all this down in case something happens. In case something comes for me from out of that other room.

  I am trying to convince myself to be strong and that there is nothing to be afraid of. Yes, I know I saw something strange...maybe even otherworldly. Candy and others have seen it too though, and no one has been hurt. It’s just freaky. Freaky is not dangerous. That is why I haven’t commed Betra yet.

  First I’m going to stop shaking. Then I will tell him to come see me. When I know he is on his way, I will get up out of this bed, and I will check the other room to see if my visitor is still around. I will face this head on. If what I saw is a ghost, it may be looking for help – someone to help it find peace. There is nothing to be scared of. Once I know I can com Betra and ask him to come without sounding like a hysterical child, I will prove that to myself.

  It’s hard to be calm though, when I’m staring at the hair clips, lipstick, and water spilled all over the floor. It’s hard to be brave when I have proof that something came in here, something that can appear and disappear at will. Damn it, what if the ghost isn’t just some poor lost soul? What if it is that murdered soldier Candy told me about, looking for vengeance on the living? How the hell do I fight off something like that?

  April 4, early

  Well, Betra now thinks I’m crazy. However, Candy is thrilled to have a kindred spirit (pun intended, ha-freaking-ha) when it comes to believing in ghosts.

  I got my act together soon after my last entry, and put my plan into action. I commed Betra from my bed. His sleepy, “Liaison Betra here” gave me a pang of guilt, which helped to steady my nerves so I didn’t sound like a big baby.

  “Betra, something weird just happened in my quarters. Can you come over?” I asked.

  “I’ll be right there.”

  I gave myself no time to second-guess any actions. The moment I clicked the com off, I threw back the covers and got out of bed. Calling for the sitting room’s lights, I marched boldly in.

  There was nothing to see. No moaning and wailing specter in chains awaited me. Well, I’d seen the damned thing disappear. I knew it could be there, invisible to the eye.

  I decided to act as if it was present. “If you’re still here, I want to know who you are. Maybe I can help you. Is that what you want? Are you looking for help?”

  I waited. The silent seconds spun out as I turned in a circle in the middle of the room. I saw nothing.

  Yet I felt as if I could sense something there. I freely admit that it could have been my overactive imagination. I’ve never had any evidence that I possess ESP or telepathy or can commune with the dead. Why would I start now? It was more likely I was feeling what I wanted to feel.

  I tried again. “Listen, you’re freaking people out by showing up in their rooms, walking the halls, all that stuff. You’ve given me a couple of bad scares now. It’s time to stop playing games. Tell me your name. Tell me what you want.”

  “Open the door, Shalia.”

  I jumped a mile if I jumped an inch at the disembodied voice. Then I cursed when I realized it was Betra talking through the door announcer. Sheesh.

  “Door open,” I said after filling the air with dirty words.

  Betra came in, looking ready to fight with his armored formsuit on. Maybe I had sounded more panicked than I thought when I commed. So much for my brave front.

  “What’s wrong? What happened?” he asked. He looked relieved to see me standing there in one piece. Bless that man.

  “Come look at this,” I said, grabbing him by the hand and tugging him into my bedroom to show him the stuff the ghost had knocked over.

  As he frowned at the scattered things, I told him what had happened. The crease between his brows grew deeper and deeper as I spoke.

  “There was no one else in your sitting room. It’s just us in here.” He went and peeked in my bathroom before re-joining me. “We’re alone. You did not accidentally bump into these shelves? You’re sure about that?”

  “I said so, didn’t I?”

  “Yes ,well...” Betra hesitated, looking at me with trepidation.

  “What?” I kept looking all around us, wondering if the ghost would make another appearance.

  “You’ve been known to sleepwalk these last few weeks since you got back. It’s possible you were dreaming about this threatening shadow, and that you got up and bumped into the shelves yourself. Then you woke, positive you’d seen something when in fact it was just a dream.”

  I gave him all of my attention. Betra didn’t believe me. He thought I was still suffering from the trauma.

  Speaking carefully so he’d know I wasn’t going loony again, I said, “I was wide awake. I know that for a fact, Betra.”

  His concern didn’t go away. “You’ve had hallucinations recently.”

  His continued disbelief in my powers of sanity pissed me off. “This was no figment of my imagination, damn it! I saw something in here! It was real!”

  “Okay, okay. I can see you believe something was in here. I’ll report it to Oses first thing in the morning, and he can check the corridor’s security vids to see if anyone entered your quarters.”

  I threw my hands up in the air. “I told you, it disappeared! That thing can make itself invisible. Why aren’t you getting that?”

  Betra held his hands up, trying to placate me. “I heard what you said. But on the off chance someone broke into your quarters, it needs to be checked out. You want to find evidence of some sort, don’t you? You have to admit, it’s a strange story, Shalia.”

  He didn’t believe me. Betra thought I’d been dreaming or was still taking trips into La-La Land.

  I can understand his position. After all, I’d thought Candy’s story of a ghost was pretty silly a few hours ago. Plus I had been dealing with all the trauma of my abduction, what with nightmares and hallucinations. Betra had a point.

  At the same time, I felt horribly betrayed by my lover. Betra was one of my safe harbors, a man who had given me strength and security when I needed it. The bit of me that relied so much on him was hurt to be dismissed as hysterical. I know what I saw, and I needed him to accept my account as truth.

  The hurt came out as anger. “Fine. Tell Oses to look. I’m sorry I woke you.”

  “Don’t be,” he said. “You know I’m always here for you.”

  “Sure, as long as I’m being sensible,” I spat. “Good night, Betra.”

  “Don’t be mad,” he said, moving towards me with his arms outstretched.

  I moved away. “It’s too late for that.”

  “Come on, Shalia. I’ll spend the night so you can get some decent rest. Or you can come back to my quarters if you’re uncomfortable in here.”

  I wasn’t having it. “No. Get out and leave me alone.”

  Betra gave me the kicked puppy look he does all too well. “I just want to help you.”

  “You can start by taking me seriously.”

  “I take everything to do with you very seriously.”